by Alice Castle
‘What on earth did happen here? You never really explained,’ Beth asked.
‘Oh, do I have to? It was so awful,’ said Katie.
‘It can’t have been that bad, surely? This is Dulwich Park, Katie. No-one’s going to be really nasty.’
‘You haven’t seen the owner of an ancient Dachshund who’s being enthusiastically buggered by a puppy,’ wailed Katie.
Beth couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing. ‘Probably did it no end of good,’ she said bracingly.
‘I’m not sure about that. It could hardly walk afterwards. Teddy was madly in love.’
‘I thought it was a pug he went for?’
‘It turned out that was just the warm-up act. It’s Dachshunds he’s really got the hots for. They can’t run as fast as him, and their bits… you know, are really close to the ground. On his level.’
Beth shut her eyes to banish an unwelcome vision. ‘Oh Teddy, Teddy. You look such an innocent boy. No-one would think you’re Dulwich’s answer to Casanova,’ she said, reaching under the table and petting Teddy’s black silky coat. He immediately rolled onto his back, paws in the air, oblivious to the chill, and blind to everything except delicious sensation, accidentally revealing the surprisingly large cause of all the trouble. ‘You’re incorrigible, aren’t you? So, you’re telling me there’s a bit of a #MeToo movement building up in the park against young Teddy here?’
Beth’s shoulders shook as Katie nodded sadly. ‘Look, I know it probably seems ridiculous to you, Beth, but I’m not used to this sort of treatment. I’m not saying you are,’ she rushed to add. ‘But I don’t think you’re that bothered if people don’t like you. You’re so independent, you just shrug it off. But for me, well, it’s a bit of a shock. I’m not used to people whispering about me and basically running off when they see me and Teddy coming.’
Katie looked so miserable, Beth’s heart really went out to her. She could have said she didn’t love it when people didn’t warm to her, either – frankly, who did? She’d just had to get used to it over the years, whether she liked it or not, as she’d never had Katie’s happy knack of being popular, charming, and lovely. But perhaps now wasn’t the moment. And she could see that from Katie’s previous position on a sort of golden pedestal of niceness, her current status as delinquent dog-owning pariah was pretty grim.
‘I’m sorry you’re having all this hassle, Katie. You – and Teddy – don’t deserve it.’
‘Well, he definitely deserves it, no doubt about that,’ said Katie crossly, jerking his lead again.
‘I can see you’ve got your work cut out with him, the naughty boy. But I don’t understand why you were acting so oddly when Rebecca Grey was here just now,’ said Beth.
Katie looked at her bleakly. ‘The trouble is, I think the Dachshund’s owner was a friend of Rebecca’s. I knew I recognised her from somewhere, and then I realised it was during that whole, well, um, unfortunate… session. God, that woman was beside herself. And Rebecca Grey was just standing there, looking judgemental, with her bloody poodles. Needless to say, they were impeccably behaved.’
‘I wondered why you were treating her like a plague carrier. You’d turned so far away from us I thought you were going to fall off the bench.’
‘I didn’t want her to recognise me. People are really precious about their pets, you know,’ said Katie in righteous tones. Beth just nodded. Magpie might shred her soft furnishings with determined regularity, but she’d defend to the death her moggy’s right to dump hairs on any visitors to the house. And she knew that, whatever Katie’s current levels of disappointment in Teddy’s morals, she’d still stick up for her dog against all-comers.
And that gave Beth pause for thought. Could this whole thing on the Rye be about the dog, not the owner? And if so, did that mean Beth already had the key to the puzzle on a long lead? She looked down at Colin and he placidly returned her gaze, thumping the ground with his tail. If only he could speak, she thought. And if only he’d been a better guard dog. Then none of them would be here now.
That was another point, Beth realised. So much for a dog being man’s best friend. Colin’s human had been done to death, while he apparently looked on with his usual doggy half-smile on his face. What kind of chum did that make him? Hardly a bestie, Beth thought. Shouldn’t he have protected his master? Barked, at least? Well, he might have done that, Beth realised, as she had stumbled on the scene sometime after the murder. But he couldn’t have barked loudly enough to have attracted much attention, or the frenzied knife attack would have been interrupted before his owner died. What was the point of having a dog, if it didn’t see off all-comers?
All right, no-one would buy a Labrador expecting an attack dog, unless it was sandwiches they wanted mauling. But you’d expect an ‘excuse me, would you mind not stabbing my human?’ wouldn’t you, in return for all that Pedigree Chum? Not to mention the endless walkies and poop-scooping over the years.
Wait a minute. Maybe Colin had a reason for holding off. Maybe his size, inertia, and general good-natured approach to life concealed a secret loathing of his late master. Had he allowed the attack to happen because he wanted Mark dead? No, Beth shook her head. That was ridiculous. From all she’d seen, dogs seemed pre-programmed to give slavish devotion to their families. She couldn’t remember a single instance when a dog had really been a dog in the manger. So, why on earth would Colin stand – or sit – by and let someone kill his best friend? Wouldn’t he protect Mark?
Unless, thought Beth suddenly – a glimmer of an idea breaking upon her – unless he knew the person who was approaching. And then didn’t act until it was too late. And was then simply scared away by the flashing of the knife. That was quite possible. Had Colin known Mark’s killer?
Then Beth had another brainwave. ‘Wait a minute. If Rebecca knew Colin and instantly recognised him, and she usually walks here in the park, then that means that lots of other people might spot him and we’ll be able to find out all about this Mark, his owner. If he always took his “post-prandial walk” here, or whatever.’
Beth personally thought that sounded a bit pretentious, but any clue to the dead man’s personality was going to be vital. She couldn’t believe this had been a random killing by a lose maniac who’d just happened across the victim and his dog by chance. And if she was right, there had to be a good reason why the man was dead. Or, in light of her recent experiences, perhaps she should amend that to say a reason that made sense to the person on the other end of the knife. If she’d learned anything recently, it was that murder was rarely rational.
Katie gave Beth a withering look. ‘Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve been saying? I’m persona non grata in this place nowadays. And Teddy is definitely dog non grata. The sooner I leave the better.’ With that, she swigged down the last of her cooling coffee and prepared to haul Teddy home.
‘Oh, Katie, no! You’re not going to let yourself be beaten, are you? Probably half the dog owners here have had, um, unfortunate incidents with their dogs back when they were puppies. It’s all part of a dog’s transition to adulthood, isn’t it? Just youthful exuberance?’ Beth glanced at Teddy, only to see that he was now enthusiastically humping the table leg. He clearly had a lot to get out of his system. In all ways.
‘Look, however full of, um, beans he is, we’re here now and he’s going to be a lot better behaved at home if we’ve had a good walk around. You can’t argue with that,’ said Beth. ‘Perhaps you might want to think about getting him, erm, done? I’m not sure what age they need to be to have the op, but that would definitely sort out his hormones, I should think. Even a Dachshund isn’t going to look that irresistible if you’ve had your danglers cut off, I dare say.’
‘I’d take him tomorrow, if I could,’ admitted Katie. ‘The trouble is, Michael is completely against it. Says it’s an outrage, emasculating him in his prime, it’s barbaric… honestly, you’d have thought I was trying to give him the snip, he was so incensed.’
‘Well, I do sort of agree that it’s a bit medieval, if you think about how we used to do it to all those poor castratos, just for their voices. But in Teddy’s case, to save your blushes, I’d definitely make an exception. I suppose Michael’s at a delicate age – maybe he’s worried about his own manhood,’ said Beth, slanting a glance at Katie, who gave her friend a good-natured shove.
‘No worries on that score, thank you very much. Just because Harry’s that little bit younger.’
‘Ten years,’ said Beth, a little smugly. ‘But then, that makes you a child bride, doesn’t it? Whereas Harry’s two years younger than me, so I’ll end up looking like his granny. Assuming we ever get to that stage. But back to Teddy. I do think Michael is being a bit unfair. He doesn’t have to take Teddy round Dulwich Park with all these saucy little Dachshunds asking for a seeing-to, does he? Maybe you should get him to take Teddy for loads of walks at weekends, see how he likes being in charge of a serial rapist?’
‘I did ask him at the weekend, but then he took Charlie along and I ended up going, too. I couldn’t bear to think of how it might all end up, and I knew Michael wouldn’t be able to cope if it all really kicked off. The absolute worst of the lot are the pro dog-walkers. They tend to have a smaller dog or two and then a couple of really big ones, all on a bunch of leads. Teddy will just plunge in after a nice juicy little Westie. It’s a total nightmare. You can imagine the tangle. The leads are completely knotted, all the dogs are going nuts, and Teddy’s loving it and getting more and more excited by the second.
‘He’s absolutely fearless, too. You’d think he’d be terrified of the great big dogs, but no. There’s a teenage girl who walks four dogs every afternoon – I think she’s at the College School and making a bit of extra pocket money – and Teddy just made a habit of going straight for the cockapoo in her bunch every time. I’ve had to stop talking him for a walk with Charlie after getting back from school, it’s just too embarrassing. And then what’s the point of having him? The whole idea was that Charlie would have lots of lovely healthy exercise and get away from the screens for an extra hour after school. But I don’t want to shove him in the car and take him to the Rye at pick-up time; it’s bumper to bumper then, and would completely defeat the object. So, I’m ending up getting two extra solo walks a day myself, which means I’ve had to cut down on my yoga classes and get shunned by every dog owner in Dulwich, while Charlie doesn’t walk him at all. Honestly, I’m so fed up.’
Beth looked at Katie’s miserable face and couldn’t help cursing young Teddy. All right, he was an adorable scamp who was currently snuggled up with Colin and looking like a poster boy for well-behaved puppies. But anyone who upset her friend like this had Beth to reckon with.
‘What about dog training classes? They must have them here somewhere,’ she suggested gently.
‘Michael’s totally against those as well. He had dogs as a boy and he’s convinced he knows exactly what to do.’ Katie sighed as Teddy, from looking as though he was about to have a snooze, suddenly leapt up on all four paws, ears pricked, and gazed off into the far distance. Without any warning, he was off, like an athlete who’d heard the starting pistol. And unfortunately, Katie – on the other end of his lead – was dragged along, too.
‘Teddy! Teddy,’ she wailed. ‘See you in a minute, Beth,’ she called over her shoulder.
Colin, disturbed for a moment by Teddy’s abrupt departure, looked up sleepily, sniffed the air, panted wisely, and subsided again onto soft paws. Beth patted his head gratefully. Perhaps there was quite a lot to be said for a tired old dog, after all. He was certainly beautifully trained, and even if he was hardly fool-proof protection against homicidal maniacs, he was still quite a reassuring presence. Beth was a bit worried that she might get too attached to him. After all, someone was bound to claim him, weren’t they? The man on the Rye was probably married or had a family, and they’d definitely want his dog.
Meanwhile, there were certain advantages to dog ownership, even on a temporary basis. Beth had already noticed that she was getting some polite acknowledgements from fellow dog-walkers. She’d been trotting round Dulwich Park since she was a girl, and never remembered collecting quite such a bouquet of smiles before. Maybe some of these people actually knew Colin, but even if they didn’t, they all seemed to approve of his docile ways and, by extension, of Beth herself. She rather liked her new incarnation as a respectable dog-owning type, even though it was entirely on false pretences.
While Katie was getting the blame for having a sex-mad delinquent on her hands, Colin’s staid ways were earning Beth entirely unjustified Brownie points. She’d had nothing at all to do with fostering his good behaviour. She was just, temporarily, on the other end of his lead. Still, it made her think.
Loosely attaching him to the leg of the table in case he made a totally out of character bid for freedom, Beth scampered off the bench and marched purposefully back to the café doors. She could get a refill of coffee for them both while poor Katie was being dragged to the far end of the park and back again. She might also be able to get some useful information.
Once inside the swish new space, Beth realised again how cold it was becoming outside. She peered through the window at Colin, but apart from seeming to arch an eyebrow at her – could dogs even do that? – he seemed pretty much oblivious to her absence. She turned to the blackboards, scanning quickly through all sorts of tempting snacks that she really shouldn’t be succumbing to… But what harm could a couple of blackberry muffins do? They probably counted as one of her five a day, didn’t they? And Katie really needed cheering up.
She was glad to see that the trays were still quite practical, despite the faux-farmhouse style of the café, and she slid a brace of muffins on one and waited patiently. After a few moments, she realised someone was trying to get her attention. She’d assumed they just had a frog in their throat, but no, the elderly lady in front of her in the queue had turned round and was coughing and valiantly endeavouring to catch her eye.
‘Hi there,’ said Beth expectantly.
‘Colin’s going to need his water, isn’t he?’ the lady prompted her.
‘You know him?’ Beth was astonished. This seemed too good to be true. Was there anyone in Dulwich, apart from her, who wasn’t a long-standing friend of the elderly Lab?
‘We all know lovely Col,’ smiled the lady, who wore white hair in a tidy longish bob, which brushed the shoulders of her navy zip-up fleece. Her sensible jeans, too, screamed dog-walker, but on her feet were bright red shiny Doc Marten boots, giving the lie to her suburban look. Beth was intrigued. Instinctively, she lowered her voice.
‘I don’t suppose you’ve heard what’s happened to his owner?’
‘Mark? What do you mean? Has something happened?’ The woman was instantly alarmed.
Her friend, ahead of her in the queue, swung round. ‘What’s all this, Miriam?’
The fleece lady looked from Beth to her friend in consternation. ‘Something’s happened to Mark. Did you know?’
Just then, the assistant at the counter cut in. While they’d been busy, the queue had melted away, and now the two elderly ladies were first in line. Both now, though, were thoroughly flustered. Beth stepped forward decisively. ‘I’ll have two cappuccinos and these muffins and two…?’ she asked the women. ‘Two more cappuccinos; four altogether. Then we’ll go outside and have an, erm, chat,’ she said. ‘Or maybe you could go out now and stay with Colin?’
The ladies wandered outside and collected their own dog – a rather cute little terrier with a raffish bedhead look to his salt and pepper coat.
Beth loaded up the tray, wincing a bit at the price of four of Dulwich’s finest hot beverages, plus the muffins, and elbowed her way out into the cold again. She set the tray down carefully on the bench, noting that Katie wasn’t back yet from her forced march with Teddy.
She slid a brimming cup over to each of the ladies, who’d sat down on either side of Colin, and took her own seat on the other si
de of the bench. She felt almost as though she was interviewing the women, positioned opposite them, and she took a steadying sip of the cappuccino to give herself a bit more thinking time, then opened her mouth to speak. But the older of the two women, wearing a shapeless purple coat, burst in first.
‘Look here, I don’t mean to be rude, but how come you’ve got Colin here? And where on earth is Mark?’
Beth took a breath. ‘Well, that’s the thing, you see. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.’
Just as she was about to launch into her sorry tale, there was a commotion, and a moving ball of black fur erupted onto the terrace, making straight for Colin and jumping on his back. Katie then appeared, huffing crossly.
‘Honestly, that dog is going to be the death of me. Teddy, get off Colin! Now! This minute!’
Teddy, laughingly oblivious to his mistress’s distress, continued to bound around the prone Colin, until, with great gravity, Colin lifted one paw and socked Teddy right on the nose. The little dog backed off, yelping piteously.
‘I’m sorry, Teddy, but you had that coming,’ said Beth, who’d been peering anxiously at the mêlée, while the two elderly ladies nodded sagely. Their own dog was sitting to attention, bristling and growling gently, but wisely holding back from entering the fray.
‘Teddy,’ sighed Katie, scooping up the wriggling puppy and trying her best to contain him on her lap while she took a steadying sip of her coffee. ‘Christ, what a day. And dog ownership is supposed to be so good for your health,’ she said, with heavy irony.
As the dogs calmed down, even Teddy consenting to lie on Katie’s lap in an uncomfortable-looking heap, Beth realised some introductions were in order. ‘I’m sorry, I’m Beth, and this is my friend, Katie. We’re, well, we’re looking after Colin for a bit,’ she said.
