Mama beams. “Absolutely, sweetheart. That’s a perfect amount of people. We can talk about what foods y’all want when it gets closer to time.”
Reaching for my shoulders, she pulls me to her and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I couldn’t be happier for you, darlin’.”
I hear the creak of the pipes from the bathroom, then the running water subsides. The knob on the door twists, and Pierce stands in the entrance in all his rugged glory. His chest is bare, displaying his chiseled abs. His pants hang low on his hips, dipping to reveal the V carved out of his abdominal muscles causing a faint blush to glow from my cheeks. Holy cow, he’s sexy.
Trying to keep my mouth from falling wide open, praying that my face isn’t red as a beet, I clear my throat. “Ut-um. Do you feel better now that you’re all nice and clean?”
“Like a dog with two tails. I have all of my other clothes in the loft. Care if I head over there so I can change out of my dirty ones?” he asks with a broad smile, revealing his pearly whites.
“Sure, I’ll go with you. We can bring our dirty things over here tomorrow or another day soon and wash them.” Springing up from the couch, I hug mama one more time. Then Pierce and I head over to the barn.
Pierce tangles his fingers with mine as we walk. “What did you and your mom talk about?”
I can’t keep from smiling as I answer, “Oh, you know, the ceremony, my dress, where we’d like to have it, who all is invited, and about my wild cat vision escapade.”
His lips curl up at the sides. “Well, what did you decide about all of that?”
“I gave mama very detailed descriptions of the dress I want. She said she can have it made in six weeks. I told her I’d love to have the ceremony down by the lake, with just a handful of friends and family. We decided we’d all come back to the house to eat afterward. She didn’t freak out about my visions, merely told me to embrace it. God, I love that woman.” Startling, I yank his hand, realizing that I had not discussed the timing of it all with him. “Oh God, are you okay with six weeks?”
Laughing, he affirms, “Yeah, she is kinda great. Now I know where you get it from. As for the Vows… absolutely, six weeks sounds perfect.”
Beaming with joy, I’m pretty sure I’m crushing his hand from squeezing it so hard. Using his free hand, he slides open the barn doors and we stride inside, locking them behind us.
Ascending the stairs, Pierce struts over to his giant duffel bag. As he bends down to retrieve his sleeping attire, he asks, “Do you mind us going over to my family’s house tomorrow? I want to introduce you to them and tell them the wonderful news.”
I settle onto one of the comforters, taking in the scene. “Um, not gonna lie, I don’t think they’ll be as receptive as mama was. I mean, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks. I’ve never met them, and we’re just going to up and tell them, ‘Hey, so, we love each other, and we’re exchanging vows in six weeks, you okay with that?’ Honestly, I’m not sure they’ll even like me.”
Dropping his pants and replacing them with shorts, he pads over to me, palming both of my cheeks. “What’s not to like? One look at you, and they’ll fall in love just like I did.”
Unable to reciprocate his joy, I tilt my head down but lift my eyes to his. “They don’t know me. They may think this is a horrible idea, that I’m not good enough for you, and change your mind.”
Not withdrawing his hands, his eyes pierce mine as he states, “They’ll get to know you. They’ll never think you’re not good enough for me, and they damn sure won’t change my mind. Just give them a chance, you’ll see.”
Breaking his stare, I confess, “Pierce, I…I just don’t know. Honestly, if you knew everything about me, even you might think I’m not good enough for you. If you knew everything… I mean everything, you may, in fact, see that I’m right, and realize that you don’t love me at all, that you’re just in love with the idea of being in love.”
“Try me.” He sits on the comforter and faces me.
Deciding to say what I need to say before I can chicken out, I close my eyes, take in a deep breath, and bite the bullet. “You know, it’s only fair that you know what kind of person you’re agreeing to spend the rest of your life with. As painful as it is for me to admit my past, you need to know. If you change your mind and want your ring back, I totally understand.”
I peek my eyes open and realize that I have his undivided attention. I push on, refusing to meet his stare, “There’s no easy way to say this…so I’m just going to tell you. I’m not sugar-coating it.”
I begin to tremble, but I pause, take a deep breath in and close my eyes again because I can’t see the rejection I’m preparing myself for. As tears burn in the back of my eyes, I continue, “I’m going to tell you, but I’m afraid my emotions will get the better of me and show my weakness, so please bear with me.”
My eyes are still closed tight as tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. Taking another deep breath, I grip my hands in my lap until my knuckles blanch white. I let the past rear its ugly head as I tell Pierce through a shaky voice, “As a child I was viciously abused for many years, physically and sexually, by my father, Cladec.” My voice begins to crack but I don’t stop talking, “Used and abused, that’s what I am. No matter how many showers I take, I can never be clean enough. No matter how many tears I cry, I can never take back what was done to me. No matter how many sleepless nights I fight off, how many demons taunt me at night, or skeletons I bury deep in my closet, nothing will ever undo or change the fact that I’m trash, filthy, and not worthy of you.”
Waiting for him to say or do anything, my trembling becomes violent shaking, and tears pour as I sob, covering my face with both hands. I can’t look at him. I won’t. I can’t handle it when he walks away. I take my shaking right fingers to my left hand, feeling for my left ring finger about to slip off the ring when I’m suddenly engulfed in the warmest, tightest embrace. I still can’t pry my eyes open. Not yet. I need to know this touch is real.
22
Pierce
I can’t stop myself. I immediately scoop Tova into my lap, careful not to singe her as my palms are searing right now from my raging anger. “Baby, open your eyes. Look at me.”
Struggling to make a sound, she rasps, “Pierce. I can’t.”
“Babe, first of all, you are not trash. The furthest thing from it.” Taking the pad of my thumb, I stroke her face, wiping away tears from her wet cheek. “And this... these tears... They’re not your weakness. They show how strong you are and how strong you’ve had to be. One day, when you look back, you’ll know you have been tough enough to overcome what’s been done to you and mark my word, you’ll fight off those demons that torment you every night.”
Looking up at me with tears filling her already swollen eyes, she asks, “But why? Why would you love me?”
I tighten my grip, pulling her more snugly into my embrace and reaffirm, “I’m not going anywhere. What that piece of shit did you has no reflection on you, your worth, or how I feel about you. I love you for who you are, your kind spirit, your witty ways, your love and devotion to your family and friends, and mostly for how you love me.”
Taking my index finger, I graze her trembling bottom lip. “I know that must have been the most difficult conversation you’ve ever had. I promise you this; if the opportunity presents itself, I’ll make sure he pays for what he did to you. Mark my words, come hell or high water, that man will pay.”
Her sobbing finally ceases, and the violent shaking has now eased to a mild quiver. With a hoarse voice, she admits, “He’s banished now. For all I know, he could be dead. Please don’t go looking for him on my account. I’ve made it this far in life; I’ll keep trudging on. I just need you to be honest with yourself and me. Can you seriously be with me now, knowing my entire past? Don’t feel like you owe me. Don’t do me any favors. Don’t feel sorry for me. But, be completely honest with me, please? I beg you. I’ll be fine. Tell me now so I can start to get over you, i
f that’s even possible.”
“Damn it, babe. I said I’m not leaving. When I said I want you forever, I meant every damn word. Stop thinking you’re less than anything. You’re everything I could ever want. You’re compassionate, kind-hearted, considerate, humble, caring, determined, stubborn, and a spitfire full of sass. I can’t think of a better companion for me.” I pepper her face with soft kisses as I speak, trying everything I know how to make her hear and understand me. To believe me.
Tova glances at me through blood-shot swollen eyes, wiping her nose with her shirt and sniffling. “All of those things may be true, but there are a lot of drawbacks making me a lot to handle. I’m fluent in sarcasm. I tend to shut down, and harbor hurt feelings, not wanting to discuss them. Mama always says if life hands you lemons, just mix them in your tea. I’ll have to work on that because I’m far from perfect. But if you’re sure that you still want me, then I’m yours forever.”
Grinning mischievously at her, I try to lighten the situation. “Considering you hate tea, I’d suggest when life hands you lemons… throw them at people.” Pressing my lips to her wet, puffy lips, stroking her back, I continue, “I’m so grateful you haven’t pushed me away and out of your life. I hate that you went through hell growing up. But I swear I’ll make sure the rest of your life is anything but anguish, suffering, torment or torture.”
“Thank you, mama seems to think I suffer from pistanthrophobia.”
“Um… piss ant, what?” I ask, holding back a startled chuckle at the strange word.
Managing a small laugh, she corrects, “No, not piss ant silly, pistanthrophobia. The fear of being in a romantic relationship because of past trauma. It can also be an overwhelming fear of trusting others, thinking that eventually, betrayal will surface.”
“Babe, you may, in fact, have a bit of piss-ant whatever, but I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that not every male is a douche,” I assure her with a smile.
Resting her scared face on my chest, she breathes, “You’re my peace, you know that?”
I give her a tight squeeze, yawning. “Glad to hear it. We’ve had an exhausting night; want to get some shut-eye?”
Shuffling around to get under the covers, she mutters, “That sounds fantastic. I love you, Pierce, good night.”
I kiss her tenderly, then whisper, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
Damn, waking up to her tight ass pressed into my crotch every morning for the next six weeks is going to be atrocious, but I’m not going there until we seal our vows. I have self-control, but her being so eager, not to mention how attractive she is, will make restraint much more difficult. I pray to God when I tell her my intentions; she doesn’t see it as rejection. I know in my gut that it’s the honorable thing to do.
Holding her closely, in the same position we drifted off to sleep in, I’m careful not to wake her as I turn my head, taking in the surrounding loft. Taking stock, I plan out how to make this a living space while building the lake house. I may ask the boys for help with the house because this space is small and smells ripe at the best of times. I don’t know that I want to cook or even eat a meal here in the heat of a hot July day. If those stalls have shit in them, then that’s all I’ll be picturing as I’m eating. The simmering heat sends the asinine aroma to an entirely new realm of putrid. Okay, I have to stop thinking about that; I can feel the bile rising in my throat.
Tova stirs against me, and I massage her shoulders, pulling a soft moan from her sleepy lips. For the love of God, those moans have me hard in an instant. I shift my hips away from her as I roll to a sitting position.
I tug her feet. “Morning, lovely.”
Stretching her arms out and every which way, she yawns, one soft hand flying to her mouth to stifle it. “Morning.”
“You ready to get this day started?” I shake her leg.
Raising onto her elbows, she bellyaches, “Um, no, Mr. Over-eager, not really, but I guess I’ll comply just for you.”
“Well, it’s a good little trek. You’re on the southernmost side of the territory, and my folks live on the far east end. Want to tack up some horses or just walk?”
Raising to a sitting position, she grins. “I’ll use any reason to take my horses on an outing.”
“That’s what I thought you’d say. After breakfast, we’ll tack up and head out. Sound like a plan?” I clap my hands together with a smile.
Tossing the covers aside, she hisses, “Whatever you say, babe.”
I swoop over to kiss her soft lips. “Awe, did you just call me babe?”
“Staaap, you do it all the time.” Grunting, she elbows me in the chest.
I kiss the top of her head, pulling her in closer to me. “Yeah, but this is the first time you’ve crossed that proverbial boundary and said it back.”
“Get used to it because, with you, there’s going to be a lot of ‘firsts.’” Tova nuzzles my neck.
Swallowing hard, I breathe heavily. “Yea, about that…”
Lifting her head and quirking an eyebrow upward, she eyes me skeptically. “Um, what do you mean, ‘Yea, about that?’”
“I want to have a serious conversation with you without you thinking the worst or getting mad at me. I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about this for a few days, way before I knew everything you told me last night.” I loosen my grip.
Backing out of my embrace, she tilts her head to one side. “Okay, you’re starting to scare me. So, I’m really going to overthink this now.”
I scooch up closer to her, wrapping my arms around her middle. “Have you ever wanted something so bad you can taste it, and the thought of you actually devouring it makes your entire body shudder?”
Seeming despondent, she shrugs her shoulders. “Um, I guess. What’s this about?”
She meets my gaze, and I thumb her bottom lip. “It’s about you and me. Being together…two becoming one.”
“What about that?”
Breathing audibly and brushing her baby-soft cheek, I run my nose against hers and say, “You know I want you. I’ve wanted to consume you, to devour every cell of your being, and bind our souls so completely they can never be separated.”
Closing her eyes, she presses her forehead into mine. “Uh-huh, and you keep saying ‘when the time is right,’ so...?”
“I want to wait until the night of our vows. Will you do that for me?”
Snapping her eyes open, Tova’s face abruptly recedes from mine, going from soft to peeved, her eyebrows pull together. “Are you kidding me?”
Great! Just great! She thinks I’m rejecting her; I knew this would happen. “Ahh, is that a rhetorical question?”
Seething, she snaps, “No, are you freaking kidding me?”
“Um, no, I'm serious as a heart attack.” I won’t back down from my decision.
“You honestly think I would be mad at you for wanting to wait?” she bites cantankerously. Her entire demeanor changes from hard to soft with a sigh, “I admire that about you. All the other guys I went out with couldn’t wait to get into my pants; I never let them. You'll definitely be my first. But my God, I would never think any less of you for wanting to wait. Yes, I’m incredibly attracted to you. It’s going to take tons of self-control. Still, I want our first time to be the most exquisite intimate experience possible, and what better way for that to happen than on the night of our ceremony.”
I exhale in relief and collapse onto my back. “Thank God that piss-ant crap didn’t rear its ugly head. I was terrified of how you’d react.”
Belly laughing until tears roll down her face, Tova says, “Bwahahahaha. You crack me up.” She stands, whacking me on the stomach. “Let’s go eat breakfast with mama.”
Grasping at my chest, I smile after her, “You know a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’m right behind you.”
23
Tova
Trekking over the trail to the east side of Iron Mountain, me on Lightning, Pierce on Sundance, my mind wa
nders to the worst possible thoughts. What if his family detests me? Will they ever think anyone is good enough for Pierce? Holy crap, what if they find out what Cladec did to me? Will they go off the deep end when they find out my eyes freaking turn into cat eyes? What will they think of my scarred face and back?
Getting myself worked up, I reflexively grip the reins until my knuckles turn white. Oh my lord, I’m about to have an anxiety attack. Breathing rapidly, the sound of blood rushes to my ears and my vision tunnels.
Crap! Crap! CRAP! This cannot be happening right now.
“Tova, babe, you okay?” Pierce asks, quickly recognizing my current predicament. I force myself to glance in his direction for a brief second, then back to the path in front of me. “Breathe, baby, just breathe. Right now, I want you to challenge your thoughts. Don’t be afraid of what you’re seeing. Nod if you hear me.”
It’s hard to focus on what he’s saying and what I’m looking at. Heaven knows I don’t want to fall off Lightning and reinjure my shoulder or break a bone. So, instead of looking at him, I bob my head up and down.
In a soft voice, I hear, “Babe, can you tell me what you see?”
Loosening the grip on my reins, I utter, “Looking at Lightning's mane is like seeing an assemblage of a billion straws of hay.”
Hearing Pierce’s horse clomp beside me, he replies, “That’s impressive. Now what about the path, what can you make out of it?”
“I can see the individual specks of dust right in front of us. I’m pretty sure if I wanted to jump off Lightning's back, I could calculate the distance from his saddle to the ground and land perfectly. And that says a lot coming from my clumsy self.”
“Tova, let’s try it. Let’s see if your vision can assist with your landing. You up for it?” he challenges.
“Um, I guess.” Pulling Lightning to a stop, I slowly let go of the reins and toddle up to a crouch in the saddle.
Protecting Tova (Iron Mountain Book 1) Page 12
