I hadn’t thought about continuing to exist after dying, though I had heard Maureen say that we are souls living in a body. But it was just a saying. I didn’t take it seriously. So all this talk about consciousness was getting really, really, spooky. But, if one thought about it, we were all spooks. And that was as funny as Salvador thought not being able to get killed again was.
Suddenly, Salvador asked a question, directed right at me. I was so startled, I didn’t really hear it at first. He had to repeat it to get my attention. “Do you want to be with Ray, again?” he asked.
“How could I do that?” I asked.
“Well, he’s still alive, right? And so is your sister and that friend you mentioned.”
“That doesn’t mean I could be in his life again. I can’t be Cassy again, as I understand it.”
“But couldn’t you be someone he’s going to know?” Salvador insisted. “We both could, couldn’t we?”
“Wait a minute. Who says I want to get back to Earth with you?” It was a notion that didn’t appeal at all. I wasn’t ready to make Salvador an Earth companion that I actually had to live with. That was too much. I would wait a thousand years, too, if that was anybody’s thought.
Counselor smiled at us. “Maybe we need to discuss what some of the possibilities are,” she said. “You don’t have to return all at the same time. You don’t have to be in the same family. Perhaps you don’t want to meet each other until you are adults.”
“Do I have to meet him at all?” I asked, realizing that meeting as adults could mean the same problems as last time. “I don’t want you hassling me in any way,” I said emphatically. “I don’t want your attention. I don’t want you in my life!”
“Hey, what if I’m not like I was. What if I’m a girl! Maybe we could meet in that farm place, that cooperative community,” he said.
“Interesting that you should suggest that,” Ruth offered. “ I think that’s where Ray and Louise see each other these days. And Maureen, too.” She went still, waiting to be asked how she knew.
It had to be the viewing window. And it got me curious. Could I take a look through that window? Could it be that my little sister had taken an interest in Ray? And Maureen? What were they into? It made me feel that I was really missing something. And I hadn’t intended that! I was so determined to be my own person. Course, what that was, I still hadn’t figured out. It got me to thinking. What if I could come into their lives again? What would it be like?
“I don’t like the idea of having to be a baby all over again,” I blurted out. “That doesn’t seem fair.”
Counselor laughed. “Look at it as a fresh start. All will be so interesting as you try out your new body. What will it do? Look at those hands, how the fingers curl and touch and pat each other. Look at those feet that you can pull up to your mouth. Look how this body can be turned and twisted. Look at those eyes watching, the human behind them making those warm, googly noises that are trying so hard to please you.” Counselor’s aura became like a brilliant rainbow with variegated colors around her center that then extended out to the rest of us like we were the mythical pots of gold at its ends.
“But that’s only if you get a good mother,” Salvador reminded us. “What chance do we have of that?”
“Your choice,” Counselor said. “There are wombs available right now. Or you can wait a while. But the sooner you choose one, the sooner you will be with those still living. And what I see around the ones you mentioned, there is a young girl who is going to give in to a young boy hanging around her, and give someone a chance to be born.”
“You make it sound like a take-it-or-leave-it type of choice,” I complained. “I don’t know that I’m ready to go back so soon.” In fact, I hadn’t really gotten used to not being in a body. I was still wanting to explore this existence that was so different. It had a lot of interesting places, if that’s what they were, and maybe classes.”
“Just remember, there is no time here. It’s not like Earth when you have to plan everything in a matter of 24 hours a day, and make all those appointments months in advance, and sometimes years in advance. So don’t panic. You’ve got all the time in the cosmos.” Counselor gave us a tender, motherly look.
“But you can see the future down there?” Salvador asked.
“We can see the possibilities,” Counselor clarified.
“Well, give me an experienced mother. Not one of those child mothers who get themselves into trouble. Nor one that does drugs and alcohol. Or is crazy. I don’t want that again.” He laid out his requirements as if ordering a new motorcycle.
“Do we have to have a mother?” David asked. His aura was darkening again, as if he’d lost hope of anything that he wanted coming to him.
“There have been cases of two men raising a child from infancy,” Ruth noted. “That way, you wouldn’t have a female mother. Men can be nurturing when they want to be,” she said. As usual, she seemed to see into the possibilities better than the rest of us.
“I’d have to be a boy again?” he asked. After a slight pause, he said, “If Salvador can be a girl, why can’t I?”
“You want two men to raise you as a girl?” Salvador asked, looking at him in astonishment.
We all became silent again, as if the numerous possibilities before us could actually be real. As if a life plan was the most common thing in the world. As if it were expected and was the next step in our evolution. As if evolution was the purpose of life. Life after life. All those stories I’d heard from Maureen that I had shoved out of my consciousness, even ridiculed. Maureen and I had been best friends in high school and read these raunchy novels that made sex out to be a necessary exploration, that without it, one simply hadn’t lived. Or even worse, was a detestable prude. So, sex became the break from parental rules, the secret, behind-their-back activity that went against all warnings and lectures but made one acceptable.
Talking about sex in whispers so little Louise couldn’t hear, but would be curious about was, for a time, the fun event when we got together. But then, after going through those teen years, sex became something more serious. To be honest, it was something I never understood in a relationship. Why couldn’t men be friends without making as if women were the fault of all their troubles? I started thinking back about some of the men I knew. Matt, for example. He and I were paired in a biology class. We worked side-by-side looking into the microscope at ameba and other little things swimming about in a drop of water. Then dissecting a frog. It was done in a manner of joint exploration, a simple, sexless adventure. Then there was the ski instructor whose name I can’t remember. A night class, and we were all beginners, or almost all. The guy was so impatient. Critical. If one took him seriously, you’d think you were incapable of ever finding your balance on the skis. He made me mad enough to prove him wrong. And he thought he was such a good teacher! The thing is, I could never find a man that was as good as my father. He was my standard. But of course, there was no sex involved to complicate things.
Then Ray came along. He had a kind of swagger in his walk, a sort of cocky little smile at the corner of his mouth, that for some reason intrigued me, because it was more like a come-on, a mask over something more interesting. And Ray liked the outdoors. He liked camping out. He appreciated the sky, looking at stars and naming them. He seemed to feel at home in the great outdoors, and I did, too. The only thing was, he kept saying he didn’t like hiking. Or climbing. He loved to ride the motorcycle. He had to have that fast mode of travel, and the wind in his hair. He wore a helmet because he’d seen some pretty gruesome accidents. But he didn’t like them.
Ray was a free spirit. And I thought I was, too. But when I saw Ray with his cycle buddies, I felt left out. They wore their black outfits, heavy chaps, vest, gloves, like a knight in shining armor. Kind of like they were out to conquer an enemy. Except they didn’t really have any. They had contests, though. Those geo-cache things, where they hid a cache, then challenged others to find out where it was. They mad
e it into a really big deal. And that, to me, seemed so stupid. What was the point? Why not hike a trail and find what Nature had to offer? There were lots of things that a camera could capture. Which reminds me. I had a camera with me on the final hike. I wonder if anyone ever found it. I probably should have told someone besides Ray what I was planning to do—hike over the Divide, take notes along the way, pictures, do some thinking. I didn’t intend to get sick, fall and hit my head. I didn’t intend to end that life. But maybe, because it wasn’t going anywhere, there was an unconscious wish? to find a way to start over? Not really expecting one. But now, here it is! I could even go back and see Ray again. That possibility was pretty interesting.
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Exploring Cassy Page 8
