One. Two. Three. Four. Five… breathe, Shelley, breathe. Do not put a spell on him!
Charlie remained asleep. Ebony returned. “Your coca cola and a straw as requested.”
“Well don’t give it to me, girl. Give it to him.” He pointed to one of his crew. “What are you waiting for, Bryan? Christmas?” The pixie leapt forward for the glass and held it to Tristan’s mouth while he took a drink.
“Mikkel. Come forward with the gift now please. Place it in front of the crib.”
Mikkel did as asked.
Tristan cleared his throat.
“Charlene Kimberly Landry. I, Tristan, Leader of the Withernsea Pixies, hereby declare our support to you where it be needed. In war or,” he coughed, “in matters of love.”
Oh my God was he seriously suggesting he’d shag my daughter if she needed it? Please mean he’d help her find a suitor.
He turned to me. “If she needs to further the line, I would be honoured.”
Nope, he meant shag her.
“Thank you for your kind offer, Tristan. As I stated to Duke Brishon yesterday, Charlie will choose her own suitor when able.”
“Duke Brishon? What was that toe-rag proposing? He’s a billion years old.”
“Not him, his son Lord Drake.” Ebony informed him. She obviously had a death wish.
“Lord Drake?” Tristan’s face went puce. “And what did you say to this?” He glared at me. “Because if he gets first refusal I shall take you to court for diversity. The little people shall not be ignored.” He swung his arm in the air.
“Tristan. I told Duke Brishon the same as I am telling you. Charlie will choose her own suitor. And speaking of diversity, no one knows if her intended is even male, or supernatural for that matter.”
“Do you know about my legendary manhood? She would be very satisfied. What would she do with a woman?”
I wasn’t getting into this.
“Were you not in the middle of your speech?”
He paused. “Oh yes.” He turned back to the crib.
“From the date of your birth until the date of my death, I give you the freedom of the realm of the Pixies.” He opened the box at his feet and removed a key and handed it to me.
“I never knew you had a realm, Tristan. Thank you. On behalf of Charlene, I thank you for your generous offering.”
“It’s the key to Withernsea Waffles on the seafront.”
“Sorry?”
“Withernsea Waffles. We keep it on the down low, but that is our kingdom. It is not confined to waffles of course, but sugared doughnuts and burgers do not begin with a w.”
“You own the unit on the seafront?”
“I am pleased to say I do. So should you ever want a coffee and a sugared doughnut please visit.”
“That’s very kind, Tristan.”
“It’ll be £2.99 to you, usual price. Of course Charlene can have whatever she wishes for free although obviously it’s a business not a charity so don’t go mad. A moment on the lips, hey Charlene. Can’t fulfil the prophesy if you’re a heifer who can hardly move.”
“I’m just going to change Charlene’s nappy and then I’d be very honoured if you would hold her.”
“Yes, that would be most fitting. As Pixie Leader, I need to have held the newborn.”
I left the room with Charlie who didn’t need her nappy changing at all, but I didn’t know how to clear up dead pixie body and anyway what if he then haunted the place like Mary and I was stuck with him forever? I shuddered. Charlene just made baby gurgling noises. “Well you’re no help, little lady today.” Then I had a thought. “Though you could be…”
On my return I passed the baby to Tristan and he sat awkwardly on the sofa.
There were footsteps on the stairs and then Henry popped his head around. “I’ve run out of white emulsion. Thought I’d have enough to finish this room, but it needs an extra coat.” He looked at everyone. “Oh, hello. What’s going on here? I saw you guys in the Panto at Christmas didn’t I?”
Tristan went puce in the face again. “It is dwarves who do Panto. I am the leader of the Pixies. How very dare you?” He looked at my daughter as if deciding where he could put her while he launched at Henry.
My daughter made a puce face of her own and then an almighty godawful smell came from her.
I’m so sorry, Charlie. Please forgive me, but… thank you. I promise I’ll give you a bath and a baby massage after.
I lifted my daughter from his lap. “Oh no. I forgot to put her a new nappy on. Seriously, I have complete baby brain. I’ve lost my mind.” I whipped her away from Tristan who looked down to see he was covered in a yellowy-green foul-smelling shit sludge.
“Aaarrrrrrgggghhhh. Get it off me. Get it off me.” He launched off the sofa, shaking at his clothes. Then he looked at Henry, who unfortunately had started to laugh. Tristan launched, knocking Henry to the floor and coating him in my daughters poop.
“Could you please deal with your leader?” I asked Bryan and the others. “And remove him from my home.” I turned to Tristan on the floor. “Tristan, I thank you for your gift but if you could kindly leave now, I have further guests due shortly.”
I looked at Ebony who was shrieking with laughter at the shit-wrestling happening right in front of her. She looked at my daughter.
“Oh, Charlie. I adore you. A class act.”
“I’m going to get her cleaned up. Could you please tell Henry he can use the shower again when Tristan finally leaves?”
“Sure thing.” Ebony said, then she sat back on the sofa. Didn’t look like she was in any rush for the fun to end.
On my way out, Bryan pulled on my arm. “I apologise on behalf of my people.” He lowered his voice. “And also I do indeed star in panto every Christmas, but don’t tell Tristan I moonlight. Free entry for your family anytime.”
I thanked him and left the room.
Chapter Twelve
Ebony
I really tried my hardest not to laugh, but a pixie was on the floor wrestling with a six-foot-something man mountain and I’d have to say things were pretty much even. Tristan was small but mighty, which I guess was a pre-requisite for the leader. Every time they rolled around, more of Charlene’s poop transferred itself to Henry. She’d not communicated a word to me this morning, but she’d certainly communicated her opinion of Tristan.
The rest of the pixies lifted Tristan away from Henry. Stepping back, Tristan put his head back and held his nose high in the air. “Thank you for the drink, Ebony. I shall be on my way.”
My vision went dark, and I saw something that in a strange way made a lot of sense. A vision about his future. It wasn’t for a while yet as the love of his life looked different in my vision to how she did now, but she was coming.
Tristan had paused in front of me. “Ebony. What did you see?”
I smiled at him. “Tristan. It’s not imminent, but you’re ‘one’ is coming. You will be very happy together. She’s lovely.”
Despite the fact he was coated in poop, he beamed at me and dropped to a bow.
“Ebony, you have made my day. Thank you, kind lady.” He looked at the others. “We shall show ourselves out.”
They left, leaving me in the room with Henry who stood glowering.
“If you want to get showered, I’ll run your clothes through the machine.”
I could tell by his expression he didn’t want me anywhere near him. However he stank to high heaven so he had no choice but to follow me up the stairs. “You can use the guest bathroom that I use. Oh and I use unperfumed shower gel so you won’t smell girly.” I pushed open the door and he followed me in. I didn’t realise how small the bathroom was until we were sharing the same space.
“Okay, thanks. You can go now.” He dismissed me.
I glared at him. “Karma came to you. You deal shit out, you get it back.” I made sure to emphasise the word ‘shit’ that he was so fond of.
What I didn’t expect was for him to flick his t-shirt at
me, coating me in Charlie’s finest.
“Oh my God. You so did not just do that. Ugh.” I pulled a face and shivered.
Then without thinking, I stripped my top straight off. It was one thing to have to endure the sight and smell on someone else. Quite another for it to be on me and directly under my nose.
I realised Henry was staring at me.
“I’m going in the shower first now. You’ll have to wait.” I told him and I drew back the curtain, stepped into the bath then closed the curtain in his face. I threw the rest of my clothes over the top of the curtain and then noted I’d not got myself a towel. Oh my God, I was stuck naked in the bath. Sighing I flipped the shower on. Then the curtain moved slightly and a naked Henry got in at the side of me.
My jaw hit the floor.
“Henry, get out. You can’t be in this shower with me. That’s totally an invasion of my personal space to a degree so high I can’t even count that far.”
“Move over, you don’t even have any shit on you. It was only a tiny bit on your top. I got covered in it.”
“How do you know it didn’t seep through? It was very watery.”
“Move.” He went to move me but accidentally grabbed my breast.
There we stood. Him frozen in mortification while he awkwardly remained standing there with my breast in his hand. Then he dropped it and turned ready to get out of the shower. He looked back at me.
“I’m sorry. You just make me feel lots of confusing feelings all at once. I don’t know whether to hate you or kiss you.”
I sighed. “So kiss me, you idiot.”
“But last night…”
“Last night I got a vision of you getting your penis stuck in your zipper. I was trying to warn you.”
His eyes searched mine. “You mean, you weren’t turning me down?”
“No. I was totally going to embrace some alfresco sex and live a little.”
He groaned. “I had blue balls for no reason.”
“Well, if I hadn’t intervened you’d have had a black and blue todger.”
He smirked. “Ebony, for fuck’s sake, call it my cock.”
I sighed and reached out, stroking him.
“I’d like your cock inside my pussy please, Henry.”
A serious groan escaped his mouth. “Jesus, I came already. Tell me more.”
“Yeah, when you’re clean.” I handed him a sponge and the shower gel.
As soon as that hot as hell body was clean, I found myself backed against the tiled wall, the cold hitting my skin and making my nipples harden further. They were soon warmed by Henry’s mouth as one by one he sucked on them.
His fingers slid between my thighs, teasing at my core until the pressure built and I exploded over his digits. My breath came in short gasps. I reached for him again and stroked his length in my hand. Gently I ran my manicured nails up and down him.
“I can’t wait any longer.”
He pushed inside me, the feeling exquisite, and my back continued to be pushed against the wall as he kissed me fervently. Our tongues tangled until we had to part to be able to catch our breath. With a final thrust he took us both over the edge, and then we stood resting against the wall, his forehead against mine as we tried to get our breathing back under control and in my case try to stop my legs from bowing out beneath me.
“That was incredible.” He whispered in my ear.
“EBONYYYYYY. Where are you? The next visitors are here.”
“Oh shoot.” I yelled. Shelley needs me. I’d better get dressed and towel my hair quickly. I looked at him. “Henry, I still need to wash your clothes.”
Henry shook his head. “I always have spare overalls with me. You get ready and I’ll do the same.”
I toweled off my hair and body, quickly dressed, and headed downstairs back to the living room.
Charlie was in the hands of a tall man with long red hair. He wore green-blue satin trousers that looked like fish scales, and no shirt. My whole opinion of his outfit must have shone through on my face.
“This is Kai. He is the leader of the Mermen.” Shelley introduced me. “His merman legs turn into these funky trousers. Groovy aren’t they?” Shelley’s face was sending clear signals that this was not the time for me to dish out fashion advice.
He’s fucking hot, isn’t he, Auntie Ebony? And his hands are so smooth and warm.
Completely inappropriate baby talk, Charlene Landry.
Charlie let out an audible sigh.
“Oh listen to that. You have the magic touch. She looks so contented in your arms.”
“I’ll say.” I added.
Kai smiled a huge beam at me and then turned to Shelley, nodding in my direction. “It is very pleasing that your subject came to me damp.”
“Excuse me?” How did he know my panties were a little wet from thinking about what I’d just done with Henry?
“Your skin. It is damp, yes, and your hair?”
“Ohhh. Yes.”
“It is custom, not for the Queen,” he nodded towards Shelley, “but for others to present themselves wet or damp to me as leader of the Mermen. It is very polite.”
When I’ve grown up I’ll present myself to him w-
“Charlie!” I didn’t realise I’d shouted out loud.
Shelley looked at me worriedly. “Is she in danger?”
Kai looked disgusted. Oh God I was causing chaos.
I held a hand to my chest. “Sorry, I thought she might have broken wind and she had an accident on a guest earlier. My apologies, Sir, for alarming you, and you too, Queen Shelley.” If he thought I was a subject, I’d better go the whole hog.
“She’s fine and has a nappy on anyway.” Shelley said, but Kai passed her back to Shelley all the same.
Now look what you did.
You caused it!
“If you shall hold Charlene for me, I will make my speech and present my gift.”
Kai bowed at Shelley and Charlene’s feet. I didn’t mind because from here I could see his tight butt in those strange pants. I shook my head. What was wrong with me? Had Henry made me a sex-crazed monster?
“Charlene Kimberly Landry. It is the honour of myself and the mermen of Withernsea to serve you and protect you.” He opened the jeweled box at his feet and held it open to Shelley. “Inside here is a golden bejewelled whistle. Should you or Charlene need me, or my men, you blow on this whistle and we shall be here as fast as our fins and land legs can carry us.” He stood again.
“Kai. This is a truly wonderful gift and your speech was beautiful. We also will help you if needed in any way that we can.”
Kai bowed and then leaning over kissed the top of Charlie’s forehead.
I just fainted, Auntie Ebony. Fan me.
“I shall be on my way. Until we meet again, ladies.”
I escorted him to the door where he bid me farewell.
When I turned Henry was behind me.
“I saw you checking out his butt.”
I smiled. “It’s not as nice as yours.”
“Come out with me tonight, Ebs.”
He called me Ebs!
“I’m quite a good cook. How about you come to mine and I’ll make us dinner? It’s been ages since I entertained. Usually a vision comes and I end up in bed with a migraine, cutting the evening short.”
“I foresee you’ll end up in bed again, but not with a migraine.”
“Ahem.”
We both shot around to face Shelley.
“Well, well. Looks like we don’t need a house meeting any more, Charlie. Unless they both have damp hair because they had a nasty water fight? Hmmmm. No, I don’t think so either.”
“Is the… is the baby… talking to you?” I said.
Shelley rolled her eyes. “Ebony, honestly. Don’t be silly. I think it’s a good idea you get out tonight. You need a break from all these visitors and being cooped up in here, it’s addling your brain.”
As if a baby can talk, Auntie Ebs. Honestly!
Be quiet y
ou or I’ll put that nursery rhyme CD on repeat in your room.
I noticed both Henry and Shelley were staring at me. “Hot drink anyone?” I said and dashed to the kitchen.
Chapter Thirteen
Shelley
I put Charlie in her crib, walked into the bathroom and turned on the tap. I needed some me-time. In one morning I’d endured a wailing orgasmic ghost, a miserable seer, an asshole pixie, as well as also being visited by weres and a merman. Then I find while I’m not getting any, everyone else seems to be. It was making me extra grumpy, so a nice soak in the tub it was.
A knock came to the outside door and huffing I opened it to find Ebony on the other side.
“There’s a merman at the door. He says Kai forgot something.”
“Couldn’t he just give it to you?”
“Apparently not.”
I did my best not to stomp downstairs although it was difficult, and I stood in the doorway looking at the man in front of me. Long blonde hair was flicked off his face. The guy looked like a merman Fabio.
He stood with a box in his hand.
“My leader forgot to bestow upon you one of his gifts.” He said. Then he promptly proceeded to throw sea water at me again.
“Good day, Queen.” He said, walking away with the box as I spluttered a piece of seaweed out of my mouth.
I held a finger up to Ebony, who took my cue not to say a damn word. Instead she passed me a hand towel from the kitchen. I quickly ran it over my face and hair.
“My bath awaits. Unless Charlie disturbs, I shall be unavailable. Even if Withernsea itself is in peril. I shall Not. Be. Disturbed.”
“Got it. Go chill.” Ebony said.
I nodded at her and made my way back upstairs.
An hour later I felt different again. The warm water had soothed my tense muscles. I no longer smelled of the sea, and I’d done a quick defuzz everywhere and covered myself in a nice scented body lotion.
Slipping between the sheets next to my still sleeping husband I decided I’d laze around for a while.
I woke to find Theo looking down at me. Charlie in his lap.
Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6) Page 47
