I knew from my time as Reuben, Theo’s best friend, that Rav spent most of his spare time at the restaurant, mainly in order to escape his mother. He’d clean, prepare meals, and do maintenance, because no matter how hard the work was, it wasn’t as hard work as his mother. I entered through a vent and moved through to the main restaurant area where Rav was wiping down tables and straightening menus. He was singing along to Kylie Minogue’s 'Better the devil you know'. No doubt Theo had lent him the CD. If I’d have been able to, I would have laughed at the irony. Instead, I took over Rav’s body. This time I had more of a fight on my hands given that Rav was a demon. He fought to try to expel me from his body, but given my past as Satan I was stronger. I pushed him down, so his thoughts and protests could no longer be heard and then I transported myself straight to hell.
“Honey’s, I’m home.”
My replacement was nowhere to be seen. Instead, all around were bikini wearing young temptresses, all long hair and blow job mouths, with whips in their hands. Hell had become a cliché in my absence.
I walked up to one of the living blowup dolls. “Where is the main guy, doll? I have an appointment with him.”
She turned to me, looking me up and down. “He’s downstairs in the sauna. Would you like me to bleep him for you, Rav?”
“No, I’ll find him, thank you.”
“Okay. I didn’t know you were on shift today. Do you fancy getting a drink later?”
Huh. I’d never scored a date in all the time I’d been here. Then again, I’d only employed the most troll-like looking people because then when they made goo-goo eyes at those stuck here, it added another layer to their punishments. Shelley reckoned she was awesome at running a dating agency, but I’d like to see her find the perfect date for Satan himself.
“Maybe later? Right now I have some other hot stuff to deal with.” That was if Rav survived my trip to Hell because once I encountered the current Satan, all bets were off.
“Okay, well hope to catch you later.” Blowup said with a taloned-nail wave.
I made my way down to the next level where the sauna was. Although the heat was punishment for anyone who ended up here through dreadful deeds, the staff here were employees and as such could make the most of the benefits of the heat. To that end, on this floor there were saunas, swimming pools, and steam rooms. We also had a hair salon that employees could use after they finished their shift so they could enjoy a conditioning treatment especially for heat damaged hair free of charge. See, I wasn’t all bad. Actually, that was a total lie. I quite often replaced the contents of the conditioning treatment bottles with hair removal cream and blamed the intense heat for their hair falling out.
I didn’t want to call the new guy Satan because as far as I was concerned he was an impostor and I was the real deal. Therefore, I decided to call him Bub, short for Beelzebub. I opened the door to the sauna, and stepped inside.
“Hey, Dickwad.” Okay, I’d changed my mind about his new name.
“Who is it?” Dickwad sat up from his reclined position on the lowest wooden bench and leaning forward scrunched up his eyes trying to make out who had entered the sauna. Was this guy for real? If anyone had dared to interrupt my break time in the sauna, I would have smote them where they stood. Things had got too easy around here. Now I was back and things were going to change. You would have thought it would be a lot harder to take over the body of Satan-or as we called him now Dickwad-than just leaving the body of Rav and popping straight down the current Satan’s throat. But sure enough that’s all I had to do because my successor had been so confident that he was evil incarnate that he’d failed to assume there could be anyone else more evil in his domain. He should have been right, for there was no one more evil than Satan—except of course for another Satan. My atoms and molecules fought his valiantly. If you’d ever had terrible acid reflux you would have a clue of what it would have felt like. Imagine you’d consumed curry, whiskey, chocolate, coffee, and lemon juice and then gone straight to bed to lie down and you’d have some idea of the pain of our fight for supremacy. Of course I won, completely shutting down any aspect of Dickwad. His body was in its mid-30s, fit and toned, and a welcome change from Mark Linley’s. Now I just needed to work out what to do with Rav. He currently lay exhausted on the floor of the sauna. I debated putting him in there, jamming the door from the outside and dealing with him later. Then I remembered the offer he’d just received from Miss blowup doll. Picking him up and lying him on one of the loungers outside the sauna, I returned to the level above and found the woman again. Of course this time she was faced with Satan, her boss, not Rav. She straightened up, fear widening her eyes. I’d forgotten how good it felt to have people completely terrified to be in my presence and I felt myself getting hard. Luckily Dickwad liked tighty-whiteys which held my dick down my trouser leg and didn’t advertise to anyone that I could knock someone the fuck out with the contents of my briefs.
“Sir, can I be of assistance?” She asked, clearly hoping I said no.
“Actually, you can.” I replied. She looked so nauseous that I wondered what Dickwad had been making her do while he was here. “Rav is downstairs on a lounger. He wasn’t due to work today, and came into the sauna spouting some nonsense about having been possessed, and then collapsed. He appears to be extremely exhausted. Could you keep him company until he wakes and then offer him a massage, drink, and anything else he desires until he feels better? Please insist, and reassure him that when he arrived, he had a temperature and was delusional. Suggest that he relaxes fully before returning home.”
“Yes, sir.” Blowup doll looked highly relieved. “I will get on that straight away.”
With any luck that’s exactly what she would do, see an opportunity and get on Rav without delay. Unless things had changed significantly, Rav wasn’t used to many offers from the opposite sex, or any sex for that matter, and would quickly accept the explanation given by the beautiful woman in front of him who was offering him his every desire.
“Sorry, I can’t recall your name?” I asked blowup.
“Frida, Sir.”
“Ah yes, that’s right.” I lied as if I’d known it. “Frida. Look after Rav in any way he needs, take him for a drink if you like. Take the rest of your shift off. In fact, if Rav needs it you can both have the entire weekend off, okay? Just make sure you keep him in your sights until he seems to have fully recovered.”
“I’ll see if he wants to come and stay at my apartment.” She said, her face lighting up.
“What a splendid idea, Frida. Insist on it.” I told her. That would give me time to create hell before Rav could potentially give his stupid friends a clue I was back. Frida left and I smiled widely, looking around at the familiar environment. I was back in Hell. My staff were my playthings. I was the puppetmaster who held all the strings and I intended to dangle them until they strangled Shelley and her pathetic family and friends.
It was good to be me. I now ruled Hell once more and it wouldn’t be long before I ruled Withernsea again too.
Chapter Fourteen
Shelley
When I got home from work, I found my daughter asleep on the sofa. I wasn’t sure if she was tired from her constant travelling to under the sea, or if she was bored and falling asleep because reruns of Jeremy Kyle were no longer of interest.
I nudged her gently so as not to startle her, knowing from experience that you didn’t make a supernatural jump unless you wanted things to end badly. Strange groaning noises came from my daughter’s mouth while her eyes opened and she oriented herself with her surroundings.
“Hey, Mum. Is it teatime already?”
“Not quite, hun. I finished early and left Lucy to it. There’s something we need to discuss. The war might have started.”
This made my daughter wake up quickly. She shot up. “What do you mean the war might have started? What happened? Has someone threatened you?”
I perched at the side of her. “No, not me. It’s Samara. She got
in a falling out with another Cupid representative. Today they sent her fourteen sausage rolls. Each one had a letter on it and the letters spelled ‘this is war bitch’. Apparently this woman is going to write an article for a magazine and assemble a protest march against dating agencies. Mine in particular, as she thinks Samara is benefiting unfairly from it.”
“Well it certainly has the sausage roll component, but Ebony also mentioned heat, so maybe this is nothing.”
“They fell out in a spa. They’d just come out of the sauna when Samara decided to draw attention to the fact that the woman hadn’t shaved her private area correctly.”
“Oh my god, she didn’t?”
“It’s Samara. Of course she did. Anyway, it would appear that this rivalry has been building for some time and that this brought things to a head.”
“But how does this lead to a war? Even if people protest against the dating agency, surely it’s just a storm in a teacup?”
“Not if enough Cupid representatives take offence at dating agencies. If Rebecca gets enough support behind her and Cupid representatives begin to feel threatened that their jobs are on the line, then potentially someone could try to cause us harm, try to take us out of the equation. It wouldn’t be the first time the dating agency has been attacked, although funnily enough I employed the woman who damaged it last time. Maybe I just need to offer this Rebecca a different job?”
“It’s just not what I was expecting from a prophecy about war. I thought it would be interspecies fighting, humans versus supernatural, and me being a combination of Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, and the woman from the Matrix films. I imagined I’d have to become close to death before rising in one last final attempt at destroying the main villain and then everyone rushing to my side congratulating me on my feats of strength and endurance.”
“Charlie, this is not a Marvel or DC film. I’m going to stop the Netflix subscription if you’re not careful. Let me guess you are already picturing Kai playing Aquaman in this vision of yours?”
Charlie gave me a guilty shifty look.
“I know what you mean though. I myself thought there would be much more to the main battle of Withernsea than a fight amongst Cupid reps. However, everything Ebony said she saw in her visions has come true.”
“Perhaps I should ring Ebony and get her opinion on what is happening with the Cupid reps? In the meantime, I guess I should make the first steps towards calming this woman down and stopping potential war.”
I handed my daughter a piece of paper containing Rebecca’s details. “If you need any more information, don’t forget your father is an expert at intel.”
“Yes, I bet there’s a full report upstairs on a certain Kai Oceanson.” She raised a brow.
“How’s everything going anyway? Are you two getting on well?”
My daughter’s face lit up. She was most definitely falling in love.“ He’s amazing. Kind, funny, and a rival for any superhero any day of the week.”
“Oh, Charlie, I am so happy for you. I was worried in case he turned out to not be who you felt he was.”
“I know it’s strange, Mum, that I knew he was the one even when I was in baby form. But it’s just like something chemical within us responds to the other. It's a bit like Twilight with the imprinting.”
“Yes, and I thought that was really weird when I watched the film. Didn’t think I’d have my own fast-growing child.”
“What do you think my own children will be like, Mum? If I am made up of all of the different species, how on earth am I supposed to know what my babies will be like? I mean will I have hybrids? Maybe they’ll have a dragon head and a werewolf body.”
I could see Charlie was on the verge of hysteria. “Whatever your children look like, you will love them anyway, Charlie. But I’m glad you’ve raised the subject. I don’t want to pry in your, let’s call them 'private shenanigans', but how far have things moved along? I know you know the facts of life and where the clinic is to get contraception, but if you need me to explain things to you in greater detail, I am here for you.”
“Ew, Mum. Change the subject immediately. We're not at that stage yet, and when we get to it, neither you nor dad will know anything about it.”
I laughed at the expression on her face. “Okay, I’ll not mention it again. But you must understand, I had to raise the subject because I’m a mum and that’s what we do.”
It was then we heard an immense amount of groaning coming from my bedroom. “Well, I think your dad might be awake, and experiencing the morning after the night before, or in his case the twilight after the night before.”
“Oh, Mum. Please say we can go and torment Dad. Please, please, please.”
Well of course I wasn’t going to refuse my daughter when we could have heaps of fun in the process. We made our way upstairs, being as loud as possible. I walked into our bedroom and threw myself down on the bed at the side of my husband.
“Theo, Theo, are you awake? We have an emergency. Charlie is pregnant and the babies are growing at an accelerated rate. We reckon we have about 30 minutes before she starts to deliver.”
Theo leaped out of bed so fast that he hit the ceiling, the wall, then bounced on the floor, before leaping up and yelling “Whaaaaaaaaaattt? I’ll kill him. Where is he? I’m going to kill the bastard. How dare he? Did I not make it clear enough to him that I would drain his blood drop by drop, making him a merman pin-cushion or an extremely slow dripping shower head? That his body would get weaker and weaker, and that I would find parasitic demons to feast on every slow drop causing him the worst pain he could ever imagine.”
My normally pale-faced vampire husband was currently puce. His eyes were ruby red, his fangs descended, and his sentences punctuated by hissing.
“Joking.” I said loudly in a singsong voice.
Theo stood stock still and he turned his head towards me in infinitesimally small moves. The hairs on the back of my neck rose because his movements and the look on his face chilled me to the bone. I had never seen my husband look like the vampire predator he was before. He’d always been the gentleman vampire, polite at every turn. I wondered what I’d done. As I turned to look at Charlie, I saw she'd stilled and was no longer finding the situation amusing. She looked at me, eyes wide.
Theo made a hissing sound that made me and Charlie scream and dive under the covers at the same time. I don’t know what we thought the bedcovers were going to offer in terms of protection, but that’s what instinct made us do. Theo had taken me so much by surprise that it was like my powers had frozen. Anyway, how could I hurt the one I loved when I had caused this situation in the first place?
I peeked my head out from under the covers. He was standing at the end of the bed, his fangs bared. “Theo, darling. I’m so sorry. We thought it would be funny with you having a hangover. I realise now it was ill judged. I can promise you that Charlie is not even having sex, never mind pregnant. Look, she’s here at the side of me. Charlie, lift up your T-shirt and show your dad there is no bump.”
Theo began to move towards us with the same agonisingly slow, predatory movements. We backed up against the headboard. What was I going to do? I needed to get my husband back fast. He flew above us so that he hovered just inches above where we laid. His body faced down and his face took on the most evil grimace I had ever seen. Then his face relaxed, and he burst out laughing.
“Joking!”
“Excuse my language, Charlie, but, Theo, you utter fucking bastard. I almost crapped my pants. I genuinely thought I'd turned you into an evil vampire and was just debating whether if it came to the crunch I could kill you in order to save myself and our daughter. It’s a good job you didn't take this much further, or we might have found out the answer and you could be a pile of dust right now.”
But I’m not sure he heard me, for he had dropped to the floor at the side of the bed where he currently lay in a heap of giggles while he clutched his stomach. I turned to Charlie, “Well, I think we can safely say your dad’
s hangover has worn off and that our wind-up went spectacularly wrong. I think we’ll just concentrate on saving Withernsea from war.”
Theo stopped laughing, sat up, and stared in our direction, his expression turning serious. “Let this be a lesson to you. That while you both have supernatural powers, you are dealing with other species of paranormal beings and some are more evil than you could ever imagine. Don’t underestimate anybody, either supernatural or human.”
Huh. Not only had we not had any fun, we had also had our arses handed back to us by Theo. I didn’t know about my daughter, but I knew I now felt rather stupid and completely ill-prepared for a future war.
“I think this weekend, Charlie, it might be worth you getting in touch with Frankie and having some lessons in all of the supernatural species, learning their strengths and weaknesses. Because while we think the war might be centred around the current situation with the cupids, as your father says, right now we can’t underestimate anybody. Because what if we are wrong? So talk to Ebony, contact Rebecca, and go to see Frankie. Then if you have spare time by all means go to see Kai. But right now your priorities have to be with training yourself so you are the most badass Queen Withernsea has ever seen, armed with as much information as you can be. I think you also need to arrange sessions with the leaders of each species to learn their combat. I’m sure Alyssa will help you with Were skills. You need to do all this as soon as possible, Charlie.”
“Well, Mum, to say we came upstairs to have a laugh at Dad's expense, I appear to have lost my whole sense of humour right now.”
I knew how she felt. We had come to torment a hungover vampire, but we had ended up with the sobering lesson.
Chapter Fifteen
Charlie
Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6) Page 71
