by David Horne
I had my first real girlfriend when I was fourteen. Her name was Eliza. She was this tall, skinny thing with blonde hair and blue eyes. She was popular with the boys, but she’d liked me. She was older than me, but she didn’t mind. I was tall for my age and I was handsome.
We’d been dating for a year when she began hinting at her girlfriends having sex with their boyfriends. I knew what she wanted but the thought of having sex with her, hadn’t much appealed to me. Sure, I thought she was attractive, but my dick hadn’t reacted to her the way my other friends had talked about. She’d let me touch her boobs once and I’d felt nothing.
It wasn’t until the end of sophomore year did, I start to question things. My best friend at the time, Christian, had come over for a guy’s night. We’d been getting ready to call it a night after hours of gaming and he’d taken off his shirt. I remembered staring at his chest and thinking about touching it, running my hands across it just to see how it felt. I’d gotten hard, harder than I’d ever been before. I’d never had that reaction with Eliza, not even a twitch in my pants and there I was with a full hard-on. I’d jerked off in the shower the next morning to thoughts of Christian.
Of course, I’d been in denial. Most fifteen-year-old boys would be. So, I tried to force myself to be straight. I’d had sex with Eliza but the only way I could keep it up was by imagining she was Christian. It had been a really confusing time in my life.
Then one day Chris and I were in the den, watching a game and he brought up a rumor about this kid in school being gay. I knew of the guy; he was cute and quiet. I’d ignored the rumor because it pissed me off. It was nobody’s business to spread something like that. Chris had called the kid some derogatory names that had me quickly questioning our friendship.
Then I’d run into the kid after a football game. His name was Jimmy and he was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. He was much shorter than me and he’d blush whenever I spoke to him. He’d fascinated me. I wanted to know more about him, so I found reasons to be around him, to randomly bump into him. And the way he blushed every time really did things to me.
One day I invited him over when my parents were out. That was the first time I’d kissed a boy. It had felt like every piece of my puzzle had fallen into place. I’d kissed Jimmy a lot more times after that. Things only got as far as mutual hand jobs but by then I was a hundred percent sure I was gay.
I’d been terrified of telling my parents. We’d never really discussed homosexuality. They were overly religious people, but we did go to church on Sundays… sometimes. But I had no clue how they would feel about having a gay son. I’d wracked my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to say.
I eventually sat them down and said, “Mom, Dad, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” And after that, I let my soul out. They’d listened intently, never interrupting. When I was done, Dad looked sad for all of two seconds before he nodded and pulled me into hug.
“I sort of figured,” she said, and I’d stared at her with wide eyes. “Jimmy. He always leaves here with his lips puffier and pinker than when he came. I figured he was either making out with the vacuum cleaner or you two were sucking face.”
And that had been that.
So no, I wasn’t surprised that she was trying to pin me and Logan together. She is always on the lookout for available gay men in hopes that one of them will be the one to make me settle down. Logan was sexy as fuck and I’d definitely be down for letting him fuck me again but that’s all it would be. Just sex. I’d done the love thing before; it hadn’t ended well, and I wasn’t going to go down that path again.
There was also the fact that Logan has a thing for Carter. Yeah, I’d have recognized that kicked puppy expression on anyone. Unrequited love could be a bitch. I felt for Logan. I truly did. But his thing for my brother, really complicated things even more. Not that Logan stood a chance. If I thought for a second that my brother was even the tiniest bit bi, then I’d tell Logan to have it. But Carter was a heterosexual man and he was deeply in love with Kimberly. I was sure Logan realized that which was why he looked like someone had shoved knives in his chest.
“Poor guy,” I mumbled to myself as I made my way downstairs. Logan and Carter were sitting on the couch with their laptops opened as Mom rattled off all the things they needed to order and to make sure they chose express shipping.
I peeked over Logan’s shoulder to check out his cart. He had good taste in clothes, and I couldn’t help my dick from twitching at the thought of seeing him a pair of swim trunks and not much else. He was sexy. It really was a shame I’d have to keep my hands to myself. Not only was he my little brother’s best friend but I definitely didn’t want Logan looking at me and imagining Carter. No, thank you.
“Sawyer, are you done?” Mom asked. Logan stiffened and his fingers froze over the trackpad. I could have laughed. The poor guy was coming out of his skin. What did he think I was going to do? Announce to the entire family that he had a dick that men could only dream of having and that he worked it like a champ? Nah, I’d save that information just for me.
“Yep. And I express shipped,” I replied, as Mom smiled.
“Cheeky boy.” But she looked at ease. It was clear just how happy she was to have us all home. Logan included. I’d heard a good bit about him from my brother over the past few years, but I’d been too busy to look him up. If I had then I would have recognized him in the bar and that night never would have happened. Is that what I wanted? For that night to never have happened.
I thought on that for half a second before I shook my head. Even if Logan had been imagining Carter that night, he’d rocked my world. There was no way I’d ever regret having the best sex of my life. Too bad it would never happen again.
Carter’s phone rang and the ring tone could only indicate it was one person. I glanced at Logan whose eyes slid closed as Carter answered the phone. If he didn’t get his emotions in check, this was going to be a miserable vacation for him and as a doctor it was my natural instinct to fix things that are broken. And I’ll be fucked if poor Logan wasn’t at least a bit cracked.
“Logan, come help me with me lunch? I figure we can talk med school, and I can dish out some advice.”
“That’s an amazing idea,” Mom said before taking the laptop from Logan’s lap. “Go on. I’ll finish this up for you.” Logan looked like he was going to protest but then Carter started talking about how happy he was Kimberly was going to be joining us. He got moving pretty quickly after that.
When we were in the kitchen, I peeked out in the hall to make sure Dad hadn’t made his way over. When the coast was clear, I turned to face Logan.
“We need to talk,” I said, and his shoulders slumped as if that was the worst news in the world.
“Do we really have too?” he asked before closing the fridge and turning to face me. “We could just pretend nothing happened.”
I pressed my lips together in a thin line and shook my head. “No can do. I doubt I’d ever pretend I don’t know what your cock feels like in my ass. Especially since it still aches.”
His face lit up brighter than the Christmas tree in the living room. “Could you not… say shit like that. Someone could hear you.”
“Someone or Carter?” I knew this was going to be a bit of a touchy subject, but he needed to get over his crush and fast. “Was it him you thought about when we were together? Because I have to tell you man, that’s a little bit creepy.”
Logan stood stock still as he whispered, “What?”
I sighed and decided it was best to just rip the band-aid off. “Look, I don’t think he knows. I don’t think anyone knows but I’m an observant guy. You hide it pretty well but there’s no hiding the fact you clinch your fist whenever they say Kimmy’s name. Or the fact you close your eyes like you’re trying to shut out the thought of them together.”
Logan blinked at me with wide eyes. He looked like deer caught in the headlights and I felt bad for him. But one of the things I learned about
working in the medical field is that sometimes, you have to hear things that you may not like. It’s an unfortunate part of life.
“Listen, Logan. I get the appeal. My brother is a great guy, and anyone would be lucky to have him. And someone does. Kimmy. Because he’s straight. I don’t know how deep your feelings go but I can guess and I’m telling you now, kid, that will only lead to further heartbreak. I know shutting your heart off isn’t something that can be done in a few seconds but dude, you need to let that go.”
He didn’t speak. He didn’t even move and for a moment, I thought I broke him. but then he blinked, and life returned to his eyes again. I wished they hadn’t because when he looked at me, he looked as if I’d just ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it.
“You know,” he said, his voice rough. “They all speak so highly of you. Sawyer is so great. Sawyer is so talented. Everyone loves Sawyer. They’ve built you up so damn much that I couldn’t help but believe them. Why shouldn’t I? I mean, your parents are great, and your brother is the best friend that I’ve ever had. So why wouldn’t you be as great as they are?” He shook his head and let out a harsh chuckle. “I’m aware that my feelings are dumb. I’m aware that I need to let it go and trust me, it’s something I’ve been trying to do every damn day for the past four fucking years. So, I don’t need you standing there on your high horse, telling me how pathetic I am. Trust me. I already know.”
He looked so defeated that I felt horrible for the way I just spoke to him. I just thought he’d needed a wakeup call.
“Fuck this,” he said with a long sigh. “This was a mistake; I should have declined the tickets to begin with. I’ll just make up some reason for why I can’t go. But I just can’t fucking deal with this shit.”
He brushes past me before I can say anything else. “Shit.” I muttered under my breath. I’d just made things a lot worse.
Chapter Five
Logan
I hated Sawyer Dallas. As if I weren’t already feeling like shit, he had to go and make it worse by calling me out. I hadn’t even stuck around to ask him how he’d known. It didn’t matter. I needed to get the fuck out of there. I could only hope the ticket was refundable.
Carter was off the phone and smiling with his mom. They all looked so fucking happy. Why couldn’t I be happy? Why couldn’t I get over this stupid fucking crush and find someone who could make me happy.
Sawyer glanced up at me and the smile slipped from his face. “Logan? What’s wrong?” he asked before looking over my shoulder. “What did you say to him Sawyer?”
Sawyer’s hand fell on my shoulder before he gave it a quick squeezed and dropped it. There wasn’t much he could say. Not that I would let him. Me coming here was stupid, me saying yes to this little family vacation was stupid. They weren’t my family. I had no family and maybe that was for the best. Maybe I should start distancing myself now. It’s not like Carter is going to really be thinking about me once he moves home and he and Kimberly are together again. No one is going to call in and check on me to make sure I’m all right. So why not cut ties now. We only had five months left until graduation, I could make myself scarce. I could pick up shifts that no one wanted if it meant being out of the house. Sounded like a solid plan.
“Look, about the trip,” I said before Sawyer began coughing loudly. He’d moved to stand beside me, and I glared at him as I tried again. “Like I was saying, I think I’m just going to head,”
“To Target!” Sawyer shouted and I let out a long sigh. Carter’s brows furrowed as he looked between the two of us. It was anybody’s guess what was going through his head. I knew what was going through mine and that was wanting to punch Sawyer in his fat mouth. Apparently sucking dick was the only thing it was good for. And then I fought back a groan because of the thought of my dick in his mouth.
“Why do you need to go to Target?” Carter asked.
“I don-” I began but was again interrupted by Sawyer.
“Surprise. It’s a surprise that he can’t tell you about otherwise it will ruin the surprise.” And this man, ladies and gentlemen, saves lives on a regular basis.
“Christ,” I grumbled as I pinched the bridge of my nose. Sawyer was a pain in the ass and for whatever reason, he wasn’t letting me back out of this trip.
“Come on, grab your coat. I have some last-minute stuff to get too.”
I glared at him and went to tell him to shove it but then Sheila piped in from the couch. I didn’t have to look at her to know she was smiling, I could hear in her voice when she said, “That sounds like a great idea. Let’s give them some alone time to chat.”
Carter rolled his eyes while I tried not to do the same. I loved Sheila but it was clear she was trying to push Sawyer and I together. It would have been a good plan if her son hadn’t shown he was a dick. I was still smarting from the altercation in the kitchen, I wasn’t in the mood to go anywhere with him. I didn’t know what much else could be said. He’d made his opinions pretty damn clear and I wasn’t in any mood to hear him tell me more about how pathetic I was.
“Sawyer…” I said and his face turned soft as he shot me a pleading look. I sighed because, fuck me, even though he was older than me, I was a sucker for a good puppy dog face and Sawyer had it down to a science.
“Fine,” I grumbled before turning back to face Carter who was still looking confused.
“Whatever,” he finally said and glanced at his brother. “I don’t know what you said to him but this better be you trying to fix it.” He then gave me one last soft look before he walked back over to the couch.
I didn’t speak to Sawyer or even look at him as I grabbed my coat and walked outside.
“We’ll take my truck,” he said, and I didn’t argue. I just walked over to the black truck and waited for him to unlock the door before I climbed in. I remained silent as he turned on the car and we backed out of the parking lot.
Sawyer remained silent for the first half of the ride before he sighed and turned down the radio. “I’m guessing you’re pretty good at the silent treatment, huh?” he asked and again, I said nothing. “Look, Logan,” he began after letting out a long sigh. “I’m sorry. I was insensitive of your feelings and that was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have approached you that way and I can admit it was a bit cold of me. I just… I know what it’s like to love someone who will never love you back and it never ends well. If I can help you avoid that heartbreak, then I will.”
I glanced over at him and frowned as I took in his profile. His brows were furrowed together in concentration as he navigated us through traffic. I didn’t know him well enough to ask what he meant, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know at all. Ant story that ends in heartbreak can’t be a pleasant story to tell. Even though I was upset with the way he’d basically poked at my already bruised heart, I didn’t want to do the same to him.
“I know what I’m doing,” I grumbled. “I’ve known for years that nothing would ever come of Carter and me. He’s still my best friend and as long as he never knows how I feel then we’ll be okay. Besides, I’m leaving for medical school after graduation and he’ll be back with Kimberly. I’m sure I won’ t even be an afterthought.”
Sawyer scoffed and I glanced at him again to find him grinning. “You’re mental if you believe that’s true. Logan, Carter may not look at you romantically but you’re his best friend. He loves you the same way he loves me. It doesn’t matter where you go, he isn’t going to just let you be forgotten. Add in the fact that my mother adores you, she isn’t going to let you just disappear. If your plans were to ghost them, think again man.”
I tried to ignore the happy feeling bubbling in my chest. After years of being in foster care and bonding with families, believing they’d be the family to finally adopt me and take me in, only to send me back, it took its toll on me. I’d conditioned myself to believe that I was alone in the world and that it would always be that way. Even though I know the Dallas family cared for me, I never allowed myself to believ
e they would keep me. Especially if Carter ever learned about my feelings for him.
“I don’t think it’s as deep as you’re making it. I’m nobody,” I finally said.
Sawyer didn’t say anything for a while, and I figured he was finally taking my word for what it was and letting it go but I should have known better.
“When we were growing up, Carter wasn’t the type to get attached to other kids. Sure, he had friends. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but he doesn’t get close to many people.”
Now that he’d said it, it made me think back on the four years that I’d known Carter. He hung out with a lot of people but there wasn’t anyone he seemed particularly close with. No one other than me.
“Without family having money, we had people wanting to be our friends just because they wanted to see what they could get out of us. It was hard to distinguish between our real friend and the ones who were just trying to use us. It… it hurt to realize people were only hanging out with you to use you. And it was worse for Carter because he had people wanting to be his friend to get close to me. Girls, guys… it was hard on him.
Then he goes off to school, where no one knows him. No one cares about his family’s fortune or who is big brother is and he meets this kid. He meets this kid who becomes his friend. The first friend he’s had where he doesn’t have to question their intentions. He meets you, Logan. And you become important to him. You become a part of his life because he wants you there. So, no. You going off to med school isn’t going to change that. He isn’t going to just let you go.”
My eyes slid closed as his words washed over me and I let out a heavy sigh. Carter and I didn’t talk much about high school and I was starting to see why. It couldn’t be easy having to look back on that time and reflect on the douche bag people that had been around you.
