It was Tuesday and since the church was open for prayer, Allen decided to drop by after work to sit in the house of God and be alone with Him. Allen had fasted and prayed a whole week. He read the scriptures that Davis had suggested and concentrated on all the loving mercies that God had bestowed on his life. When he thought about it, God had done more than enough for him. There were a lot of things he had taken for granted. Especially when he thought about how God was sustaining him now, even through Tim’s illness. Allen faced his anger toward God. Allen had to admit to himself that he was still angry that God had not allowed him to find that dream job. He was angry about losing some of his friends, and he was angry about what was happening to Tim. But now Allen had come to an understanding that had caused him to put away his anger.
Originally, Allen believed that God might have been punishing him. But now he was beginning to see that maybe Tamiko was right all along. Maybe God did not allow him to go into the field he wanted because he was protecting him from something. Most likely it was Allen’s own arrogance. Thinking back on everything, Allen could now see that when it came to finance he knew a lot less than he thought he did. Recently he’d been checking the stocks that he had planned to invest on Davis’ behalf. He thought they were prime deals that would weather the tumultuous twists and turns of the stock market. He had been wrong. They all had dropped sharply over the past few weeks. Had Allen invested the money as he had originally planned, he would have lost all of it, destroying his friend’s trust in him, the reputation of the church, and any chance of helping Davis at all. “What if I had made a big mistake like that working for one of the big consulting firms?” Allen wondered. His career would have been over before it even started; his reputation destroyed. Allen thought he knew too much. He would have relied more on himself and his own knowledge instead of allowing God to lead him, which inevitably would have meant disaster.
As for his friends, Allen could now see that he was removing people from his life that would have just brought him down. Callie and Jim would only hinder him in his relationship with God, planting seeds of doubt. As much as Allen loved both of them, he knew they each had their own issues that only God could help them with. Just as he had done with Davis, he had to let go of them for now and pray that God open their eyes and reveal Himself to them.
Allen also realized that God, in His loving mercy, was protecting Allen, not just from physical or material harm, but also spiritual harm. God led Allen to take his eyes off himself and focus on God. Allen now thought more about God, talked more with God, and read his Bible more than he had done in his entire life, or ever thought he would. Allen’s inability to get a job made Allen realize that he needed a relationship with God. The people that were left in his life helped to direct and guide him to God. In this way, God had saved Allen from something much more dangerous. What if the job he desired changed him in such a way as that he lost his faith in God? Allen had to admit that he had felt that he was beginning to lean in that direction. But, fortunately, God worked through Allen’s friends and family to bring him back from the edge. Allen was humbled when he thought about these things. He just wished that God would speak to him. Then as he thought on this he realized something else.
Allen began to realize that he had indeed heard from God. God had spoken to Allen’s spirit on more than one occasion. Allen remembered the time he was coming from the shower and he heard someone speaking to him, telling him he had to stop thinking about what he could do, and think about what God could do. Then there was the time at the Election Night party. God had also spoken through Allen’s friends to keep him from the disastrous “ghetto ponzi scheme”, as Tim called it. God spoke to Allen that Sunday afternoon, and told him to go to the Brotherhood Bible study, where he got that awesome realization about how he needed to love God. God had even helped Allen figure out where Tim was hiding after he had gotten that disturbing prognosis from the doctor. The problem was that God spoke to Allen in a way that was different from what he had expected, so he didn’t value it. He was like Naaman the Syrian who scoffed when Elisha told him to go bathe in the Jordan seven times to cure himself of leprosy.1 Naaman, too, was expecting something really grand, and because of this, almost missed out on his blessing to be healed. Allen was indeed in the process of forming a relationship with God. Allen just needed to trust Him.
This is why Allen found himself in the church now. Allen was no longer bitter toward God, however he was still reticent to trust Him. Now Allen knew that God heard his prayers. But Allen couldn’t help thinking about the fact that he had been out of school almost a year and he still had no direction for his life. Then he thought about what was happening to Tim. Allen was terrified about what he might witness with his friend’s condition over the next few years. It made him think about what happened with Momma Merta. Allen remembered all of the times he, his mother, his father, Jim, Tamiko, the Pastor, Mother Rose, and Mrs. Hardy had all but sequestered themselves in the upper room praying for her. Momma Merta believed that she could be healed, and so did everyone else, but yet they all watched as her condition went from bad to worse. It didn’t seem like God was answering their prayers at all. Then one day, three years into her struggle, she was admitted to the hospital and that night she was gone. Everyone seemed to have no choice but to be consoled by the fact that Mother Merta was now in the arms of God, in a place where she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Pastor Bynum even suggested that maybe her time down here was over and she had done all that the Lord had called her to do. Allen knew that Momma Merta would have to die, but he didn’t understand why God hadn’t healed her before she did. Jim didn’t understand it either, and when Jim abandoned the faith, Allen couldn’t think of anything to say in God’s defense.
So now, as Allen sat in the church pew, he was afraid that the same thing would happen to Tim. Davis wanted to get as many people as possible to go with them on Thursday to pray for Tim and tarry for him.
The way Davis and Tamiko talked about it, they were sure that Tim would be healed. But Allen wasn’t as certain. It wasn’t that Allen didn’t believe in the power of God. He knew that God could do anything He wanted. Allen wanted to know if God would heal Tim. If this is what He wanted.
“Heavenly father I come before you this evening to ask you what is your will for my friend Tim’s life? Help me to understand what you are doing and for what purpose is this disease. Lord, you know I want you to heal Tim, and I know you can heal him, but I also know it’s not that simple. You said that if we asked anything according to Your will, it would be granted. Lord, please tell me what is Your will for my friend and help me to accept it, whatever it may be. Is the purpose of this disease to bring glory and honor to Your name? Has Tim’s time run it’s course and has he accomplished what you wanted for his life on this earth? Have you brought him to Yourself at this time in his life so that he may come and dwell in Your house forever? In Jesus name, please reveal this to me. Amen.”
The minute that Allen finished his prayer, the burden that had been on his soul when he came into the church had been lifted, and all of a sudden he felt as if he was at peace. Allen was glad for it, even though it didn’t provide any insight into the answers he wanted. Then he thought back to what his friend Davis said the other night: No matter what happens, He’s still God.
Seventy-Two
Commencement Page 93
