by Neil Gaiman
Dex rose to one elbow. “I’ll kill him,” he said.
“Too late,” said Adeline. “He reached into his pants and pulled out this big hypodermic needle with green juice in it. He said, ‘You see the tip at the end of that needle? Think of that as the period at the end of your interminable story. Do you want out?’ I just wanted to get rid of him, so I nodded. He handed me a gun and told me Mondrian was in Sizzle Parlor number four.”
A long time passed in silence.
“But, in the end, you decided to off Mondrian?” said Dex.
“I guess so,” said Adeline. “What else is there to do when we come to the Ice Garden but fall in with Killheffer’s scheme? Mondrian might as well be made of papier-mâché and that’s the long and short of it. He’s polite, but, sure, I’d clip him for the possibility of a ticket out.”
“I’d miss you,” said Dex.
“I wouldn’t leave you here alone,” she said. “I was getting the needle for you.”
“You didn’t think of using it yourself? Baby, I’m touched.”
“Well, maybe once when I realized that if it worked, you wouldn’t come for me anymore and I’d spend each go-round in that crappy apartment building back in dragsville watching the plaster crack.”
“I was ready to blow Mondrian’s brains out for you too,” he said. “I can see how stale it’s getting for you.”
“You never thought of yourself?” she asked.
Dex sat up and pointed into the distance at a pair of headlights. “Let’s get the guns,” he said. He stood and helped her up. She found her underwear a few feet away and slipped them back on.
“Who do you think it is?” she asked, joining him at the car.
He handed her a pistol. “Ice Garden thugs,” he said.
When the approaching car came to a halt a few feet from the blanket, Dex reached over the side of the Belvedere and hit the lights, to reveal a very old black car, more like a covered carriage with a steering wheel and no horse. The door opened and out stepped Mondrian. He carried an open umbrella and a small box. Taking three furtive steps forward, he called out, “Mr. Dexter.”
“Expecting rain, Mondrian?” said Dex.
“Stars, sir. Stars.”
Adeline laughed from where she was crouched behind the Belvedere.
“A package for the lady and gentleman,” said Mondrian.
“Set it down at your feet, right there, and then you can go,” said Dex.
Mondrian set the package on the sand, but remained standing at attention over it.
“What are you waiting for?” asked Dex.
Mondrian was silent, but Adeline whispered, “He wants a tip.”
Dex fired two shots into the umbrella. “Keep the change,” he called.
Mondrian bowed, said, “Most generous, sir,” and then got back in the car. As the maitre d’ pulled away, Adeline retrieved the package. Dex met her back on the blanket where she sat with the box, an eight-inch cube wrapped in silver paper and a red bow, like a birthday present, on her lap.
“It could be a bomb,” he said.
She hesitated for an instant, and said, “Oh, well,” and tore the wrapping off. Digging her nails into the seam between the cardboard flaps, she pulled back on both sides, ripping the top away. She reached in and retrieved Killheffer’s hypodermic needle. She put her hand back into the box and felt around.
“There’s only one,” she said.
“Now you know what his game is,” said Dex.
She held it up in the moonlight, and the green liquid inside its glass syringe glowed. “It’s beautiful,” she said with a sigh.
“Do it,” said Dex.
“No, you,” she said and handed it to him.
He reached for it, but then stopped, his fingers grazing the metal plunger. “No,” he said and shook his head. “It was your shot.”
“It probably won’t even work,” she said and laid it carefully on the blanket between them, petting it twice before withdrawing her hand.
“We’ll shoot dice,” said Dex, running his pinky finger the length of the needle. “The winner takes it.”
Adeline said nothing for a time, and then she nodded in agreement. “But first a last dance in case it works.”
Dex got up and went to the car to turn the radio up. “We’re in luck,” he said, and the first notes of “Polka Dots and Moonbeams” drifted out into the desert. He slowly swayed his way back to her. She smoothed her dress, adjusted her girdle, and put her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder. He held her around the waist and they turned slowly, wearily, to the music.
“So, we’ll shoot craps?” she whispered.
“That’s right,” he said.
Three slow turns later, Adeline said, “Don’t think I don’t remember you’ve got that set of loaded dice.”
Dex put his head back and laughed, and, as if in response, at that very moment, the stars began to fall, streaking down through the night, trailing bright streamers. First a handful and then a hundred and then more let go of their hold on the firmament and leaped. Way off to the west, the first ones hit with a distant rumble and firework geysers of flame. More followed, far and near, and Dex and Adeline kissed amid the conflagration.
“Pick me up at seven,” she said, her bottom lip on his earlobe, and held him more tightly.
“I’ll be there, baby,” he promised, “I’ll be there.”
With the accuracy of a bullet between the eyes, one of the million heavenly messengers screeched down upon them, a fireball the size of the Ice Garden. The explosion flipped the Belvedere into the air like a silver dollar and turned everything to dust.
LOSER
Chuck Palahniuk
THE SHOW STILL LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE when you were sick with a really high fever and you stayed home to watch TV all day. It’s not Let’s Make a Deal. It’s not Wheel of Fortune. It’s not Monty Hall, or Pat Sajak. It’s that other show where the big, loud voice calls your name in the audience, says to “Come on down, you’re the next contestant,” and if you guess the cost of Rice-A-Roni, then you fly round-trip to live for a week in Paris.
It’s that show. The prize is never anything useful, like okay clothes or music or beer. The prize is always some vacuum cleaner or a washing machine, something you might maybe get excited to win if you were, like, somebody’s maid.
It’s Rush Week, and the tradition is everybody pledging Zeta Delt all take this big chartered school bus and need to go to some TV studio and watch them tape this game show. Rules say, all the Zeta Delts wear the same red T-shirt with, printed on it, the Greek Zeta Delta Omega deals, silk-screened in black. First, you need to take a little stamp of Hello Kitty, maybe half a stamp, and wait for the flash. It’s like this little paper stamp printed with Hello Kitty you suck on and swallow, except it’s really blotter acid.
All you do is, the Zeta Delts sit together to make this red patch in the middle of the studio audience and scream and yell to get on TV. These are not the Gamma Grab’a Thighs. They’re not the Lambda Rape’a Dates. The Zeta Delts, they’re who everybody wants to be.
How the acid will affect you—if you’re going to freak out and kill yourself or eat somebody alive—they don’t even tell you.
It’s traditional.
Ever since you were a little kid with a fever, the contestants they call down to play this game show, the big voice always calls for one guy who’s a United States Marine wearing some band uniform with brass buttons. There’s always somebody’s old grandma wearing a sweatshirt. There’s an immigrant from some place where you can’t understand half of what he says. There’s always some rocket scientist with a big belly and his shirt pocket stuck full of pens.
It’s just how you remember it, growing up, only now—all the Zeta Delts start yelling at you. Yelling so hard it scrunches their eyes shut. Everybody’s just these red shirts and big, open mouths. All their hands are pushing you out from your seat, shoving you into the aisle. The big voice is saying your name, telling you to
come on down. You’re the next contestant.
In your mouth, the Hello Kitty tastes like pink bubblegum. It’s the Hello Kitty, the popular kind, not the strawberry flavor or the chocolate flavor somebody’s brother cooks at night in the General Sciences Building where he works as a janitor. The paper stamp feels caught partway down your throat, except you don’t want to gag on TV, not on recorded video with strangers watching, forever.
All the studio audience is turned around to see you stumble down the aisle in your red T-shirt. All the TV cameras zoomed in. Everybody clapping exactly the way you remember it. Those Las Vegas lights, flashing, outlining everything onstage. It’s something new, but you’ve watched it a million-zillion times before, and just on automatic you take the empty desk next to where the United States Marine is standing.
The game show host, who’s not Alex Trebek, he waves one arm, and a whole part of the stage starts to move. It’s not an earthquake, but one whole wall rolls on invisible wheels, all the lights everywhere flashing on and off, only fast, just blink, blink, blink, except faster than a human mouth could say. This whole big back wall of the stage slides to one side, and from behind it steps out a giant fashion model blazing with about a million-billion sparkles on her tight dress, waving one long, skinny arm to show you a table with eight chairs like you’d see in somebody’s dining room on Thanksgiving with a big cooked turkey and yams and everything. Her fashion-model waist, about as big around as somebody’s neck. Each of her tits, the size of your head. Those flashing Las Vegas kind of lights blinking all around. The big voice saying who made this table, out of what kind of wood. Saying the suggested retail price it’s worth.
To win, the host lifts up this little box. Like a magician, he shows everybody what’s underneath—just this whole thing of bread in its naturally occurring state, the way bread comes before it’s made into anything you can eat like a sandwich or French toast. Just this bread, the whole way your mom might find it at the farm or wherever bread grows.
The table and chairs are totally, easily yours, except you have to guess the price of this big bread.
Behind you, all the Zeta Delts crowd really close together in their T-shirts, making what looks like one giant, red pucker in the middle of the studio audience. Not even looking at you, all their haircuts are just huddled up, making a big, hairy center. It’s like forever later when your phone rings, and a Zeta Delt voice says what to bid.
That bread just sitting there the whole time. Covered in a brown crust. The big voice says it’s loaded with ten essential vitamins and minerals.
The old game show host, he’s looking at you like maybe he’s never, ever seen a telephone before. He goes, “And what do you bid?”
And you go, “Eight bucks?”
From the look on the old grandma’s face, it’s like maybe they should call some paramedics for her heart attack. Dangling out of one sweatshirt cuff, this crumpled scrap of Kleenex looks like leaked-out stuffing, flapping white, like she’s some trashed teddy bear somebody loved too hard.
To cut you off using some brilliant strategy, the United States Marine, the bastard, he says, “Nine dollars.”
Then to cut him off, the rocket science guy says, “Ten. Ten dollars.”
It must be some trick question, because the old grandma says, “One dollar and ninety-nine cents,” and all the music starts, loud, and the lights flash on and off. The host hauls the granny up onto the stage, and she’s crying and plays a game where she throws a tennis ball to win a sofa and a pool table. Her grandma face looks just as smashed and wrinkled as that Kleenex she pulls out from her sweatshirt cuff. The big voice calls another granny to take her place, and everything keeps rushing forward.
The next round, you need to guess the price of some potatoes, but like a whole big thing of real, alive potatoes, from before they become food, the way they come from the miners or whoever that dig potatoes in Ireland or Idaho or some other place starting with an I. Not even made into potato chips or French fries.
If you guess right, you get some big clock inside a wood box like a Dracula coffin standing on one end, except with these church bells inside the box that ding-ding whatever time it is. Over your phone, your mom calls it a grandfather clock. You show it to her on video, and she says it looks cheap.
You’re onstage with the TV cameras and lights, all the Zeta Delts call-waiting you, and you cup your phone to your chest and go, “My mom wants to know, do you have anything nicer I could maybe win?”
You show your mom those potatoes on video, and she asks: Did the old host guy buy them at the A&P or the Safeway?
You speed-dial your dad, and he asks about the income-tax liability.
Probably it’s the Hello Kitty, but the face of this big Dracula clock just scowls at you. It’s like the secret, hidden eyes; the eyelids open up, and the teeth start to show, and you can hear about a million-billion giant, alive cockroaches crawling around inside the wood box of it. The skin of all the supermodels goes all waxy, smiling with their faces not looking at anything.
You say the price your mom tells you. The United States Marine says one dollar more. The rocket science guy says a dollar higher than him. Only, this round—you win.
All those potatoes open their little eyes.
Except now, you need to guess the price of a whole cow full of milk in a box, the way milk comes in the kitchen fridge. You have to guess the cost of a whole thing of breakfast cereal like you’d find in the kitchen cabinet. After that, a giant deal of pure salt the way it comes from the ocean only in a round box, but more salt than anybody could eat in an entire lifetime. Enough salt, you could rim approximately a million-billion margaritas.
All the Zeta Delts start texting you like crazy. Your in-box is piling up.
Next come these eggs like you’d find at Easter, only plain white and lined up inside some special kind of cardboard case. A whole, complete set of twelve. These really minimalist eggs, pure white…so white you could just look at them forever, only right away you need to guess at a big bottle like a yellow shampoo, except it’s something gross called cooking oil, you don’t know what for, and the next thing is you need to choose the right price of something frozen.
You cup one hand over your eyes to see past the footlights, except all the Zeta Delts are lost in the glare. All you can hear is their screaming different prices of money. Fifty thousand dollars. A million. Ten thousand. Just loony people yelling just numbers.
Like the TV studio is just some dark jungle, and people are just some monkeys just screeching their monkey sounds.
The molars inside your mouth, they’re grinding together so hard you can taste the hot metal of your fillings, that silver melting in your back teeth. Meantime, the sweat stains creep down from your armpit to your elbow, all black-red down both sides of your Zeta Delt T-shirt. The flavor of melted silver and pink bubblegum. It’s sleep apnea only in the day, and you need to remind yourself to take the next breath…take another breath…while the supermodels walking on sparkly high heels try pimping the audience a microwave oven, pimping a treadmill while you keep staring to decide if they’re really good-looking. They make you spin this doohickey so it rolls around. You have to match a bunch of different pictures so they go together perfect. Like you’re some white rat in Principles of Behavioral Psychology 201, they make you guess what can of baked beans costs more than another. All that fuss to win something you sit on to mow your lawn.
Thanks to your mom telling you prices, you win a thing like you’d put in a room covered in easy-care, wipe-clean, stain-resistant vinyl. You win one of those deals people might ride on vacation for a lifetime of wholesome fun and family excitement. You win something hand painted with the Old World charm inspired by the recent release of a blockbuster epic motion picture.
It’s the same as when you felt sick with a high fever and your little-kid heart would pound and you couldn’t catch your breath, just from the idea that somebody might take home an electric organ. No matter how sick you felt,
you’d watch this show until your fever broke. All the flashing lights and patio furniture, it seemed to make you feel better. To heal you or to cure you in some way.
It’s like forever later, but you win all the way to the Showcase Round.
There, it’s just you and the old granny wearing the sweatshirt from before, just somebody’s regular grandma, but she’s lived through world wars and nuclear bombs, probably she saw all the Kennedys get shot and Abraham Lincoln, and now she’s bobbing up and down on her tennis-shoe toes, clapping her granny hands and crowded by supermodels and flashing lights while the big voice makes her the promise of a sports utility vehicle, a wide-screen television, a floor-length fur coat.
And probably it’s the acid, but it’s like nothing seems to add up.
It’s like, if you live a boring-enough life, knowing the price of Rice-A-Roni and hot dog wieners, your big reward is you get to live for a week in some hotel in London? You get to ride on some airplane to Rome. Rome, like, in Italy. You fill your head full of enough ordinary junk, and your pay-off is giant supermodels giving you a snowmobile?
If this game show wants to see how smart you really are, they need to ask you how many calories in a regular onion–cheddar cheese bagel. Go ahead, ask you the price of your cell phone minutes any hour of the day. Ask you about the cost of a ticket for going thirty miles over the speed limit. Ask the round-trip fare to Cabo for spring break. Down to the penny, you can tell them the price of decent seats for the Panic at the Disco reunion tour.
They should ask you the price of a Long Island iced tea. The price of Marcia Sanders’s abortion. Ask about your expensive herpes medication you have to take but don’t want your folks to know you need. Ask the price of your History of European Art textbook, which cost three hundred bucks—fuck you very much.
Ask what that stamp of Hello Kitty set you back.
The sweatshirt granny bids some regular amount of money for her showcase. Just like always, the numbers of her bid appear in tiny lights, glowing on the front of her contestant desk where she stands.
