• We find others more attractive at those times when we feel less confident about ourselves. Approaching her when she feels self-conscious will make you appear more attractive.
• Once she already likes you, deepen the attraction by letting her know that you are attracted to her.
• Review the techniques in Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time. Then once the relationship gets going make sure you follow the techniques in Chapter 5, Get Anyone to See You as Pure Gold, to keep the passion strong. But, before you do, don’t forget if you haven’t already met you’re going to want to make the best first impression possible. So let’s go to Chapter 3, How to Make a Fantastic First Impression, which gives you even more psychological techniques to round out your overall strategy.
3
How to Make a Fantastic First Impression
You never have to worry again about how you’re going to come across, because when you apply these psychological secrets, you’ll be able to make the very best first impression, every time. Whether in personal or professional situations, these secrets will give you the winning edge over your competition. Remember that these techniques and Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time, work in complementary fashion; review both in order to have all of your psychological weapons in line so you can carefully devise your strategy.
The number-one tactic for generating a favorable first impression is the easiest to do: Smile! Smiling accomplishes four powerful things: It conveys confidence, happiness, and enthusiasm, and most important, it shows acceptance. People who smile are perceived as confident because when we are nervous or unsure about ourselves or our surroundings we tend not to smile. Smiling, of course, conveys happiness and we are drawn to happy people: We simply view them more favorably. Enthusiasm is essential to making a good impression because it’s contagious. Your smile shows that you are pleased to be where you are and to meet this person and he in turn becomes more interested in meeting you. Finally, smiling conveys acceptance and lets the other person know that you unconditionally accept who he or she is. Have you ever wondered why dogs are so lovable? Because they greet us with complete acceptance. If you have a tail, then wag it. If you don’t, then smile. Of course there’s more to ensuring a good first impression, so let’s continue.
Regarding first impressions, there is something called the primacy effect: the process whereby our first impression of another person causes us to interpret his or her subsequent behavior in a manner consistent with the first impression. In English, this means that our first impression of someone is so crucial because everything we see and hear afterward gets filtered through our initial opinion. In effect you create an image of the person right when you meet him and you see his subsequent behaviors through this image. So if his first impression of you is favorable then he will tend to be kinder in his future evaluations of you.
The importance of primacy is so significant that even the order of information that we receive about somebody alters our impression of him. Take a look at these two lists of words.
A. Cold person, industrious, critical, practical, and determined
B. Warm person, industrious, critical, practical, and determined
In this study by Harold Kelley (1950), students who read the description of an upcoming guest lecturer on list A had a harsher perception of him than those who read from list B. As you can see, the words are identical, except for the first one. Once we read the first word all of the other qualities are filtered through our initial perception of this person: that he is either warm or cold.
Make that initial moment the very best and the rest of your conversation will be filtered through it, thereby creating a highly favorable impression. Again, that is why smiling is so important. You can do it right away and it says so much about you—and all positive.
Another factor that can dramatically influence how we are initially perceived is that of accessibility and priming. Simply, it’s been clearly demonstrated that the ease with which we can recall certain thoughts and ideas colors our perception.
In a study showing just this (Higgins, Rholes, and Jones, 1977), those who had memorized the words reckless, conceited, aloof, and stubborn later formed negative impressions of a fictitious person. They viewed him as arrogant and as a person who needlessly took dangerous chances. However, people who first memorized the words adventurous, self-confident, independent, and persistent later formed positive impressions. Again, this is because these words and their corresponding ideas—what they represent—were in the front of their minds. And this colored their perception of a person whom they were “introduced” to for the very first time. Even though these words had nothing to do with the person, these qualities were “easily accessible” in the people’s minds and they hence unconsciously ascribed those traits to somebody whom they then met.
So if you want to make a favorable impression on someone, it would benefit you if that person were to be recently exposed to positive words. If you’re a job applicant your résumé should be peppered with positive adjectives (e.g., assertive, energetic, decisive, passionate, resourceful). Instead of just saying who you are and what you are capable of, use strong, specific, and positive language to convey precisely your talents and capabilities. Then when the interviewer meets you, shortly after reading through your résumé, these traits are already “primed” for association with you. (For another interesting application of the power of language see Chapter 26, The Best Way to Break Bad News.)
One of the biggest mistakes criminal defense attorneys make is to put their client on the stand when the details of the crime are still “fresh” and easily accessible in the minds of jurors. The better tactic is to put a witness or expert on the stand who uses positive and trusting language immediately prior to putting their client on the stand.
In personal as well as business situations you also want to lay the unconscious groundwork before you’re introduced. Having a sales associate or your assistant tell your prospect about a recent vacation or a story that uses positive, uplifting language can be quite effective prior to your introduction. For instance, she might incorporate phrases such as, “beautiful view of this majestic scene...felt completely at peace and such a sense of calm...and security.” This puts these themes directly in the mind of your prospect.
Personal situations offer more of a challenge, as introducing a third party isn’t always practical. One way to circumvent this is to introduce these words directly yourself in the beginning of the conversation. Even though you don’t get the benefit of the primacy effect, you’ll recall from Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time, the powerful influencing factor of association. These words will “rub off” onto you and will be unconsciously associated with you.
Strategy Review
• Smile! Smiling accomplishes four powerful things: It conveys confidence, happiness, and enthusiasm, and most important, it shows acceptance.
• Engage the primacy effect and make that initial moment (and the first five minutes or so) the very best and the rest of your conversation will be filtered through it, thereby creating a highly favorable impression.
• The psychological phenomenon of accessibility and priming can dramatically influence how we are initially perceived. Lay the unconscious groundwork prior to your meeting.
•
4
Get the Instant Advantage in Every Relationship:
The Four Biggest Mistakes and How to Avoid Them
You hate playing games, I know. But you’re playing them anyway, so you might as well win. Whether it’s business or personal the rules are the same to gain the upper hand in any relationship.
When dating, have you wondered why it seems it’s the ones that you don’t really like whom you can’t seem to get rid of and the ones you do like who never seem to stick around? The reason is simple. It’s not the person but the way you behave toward him or her.
What determines interest in another human being is a fascinating thing. Most people are actu
ally on the fence at the start of most relationships. This means that almost every time someone can be swayed toward either liking or disliking you. And he is moved in either direction—either closer or farther—depending on how you relate to him.
This is because as human beings we are forever guided and governed by human nature. The bottom line is that it’s not the person you’re dating, it’s the things you are doing that determine his or her level of interest. Otherwise it would be a startling coincidence if not a statistical improbability that everyone you liked just happened to “not want a commitment” and everyone you weren’t that interested in wanted to marry you. So if it’s not you—defined as your looks, personality, background, and so on—it must be your behavior toward this person that determines the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of the relationship.
This very powerful, yet simple psychological strategy can be summed up in one sentence: You need to behave with the person you don’t like the way you’ve been behaving with the person you do like, and vice versa. While there are many little aspects of one’s behavior, there are four main factors, which are discussed below.
Availability
People want what they can’t have. By constantly making yourself available, you’re actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human behavior. Attraction is not a fixed value. This means that what someone thinks about you is determined to a large extent by what you do, not by just who you are or what you look like. The law of scarcity is prevalent and relevant in every area of our lives, especially here. That which is plentiful is often underappreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable. When you are dating someone whom you are not that interested in, you tend to make yourself available when it’s convenient for you. And when you’re dating someone who you really like you’re consistently available. Do the reverse!
This means when you’re dating someone you don’t like too much, if you’re not baking cookies for him, calling him twice a day, asking where the relationship is going, and so on, then don’t do it with the person you like. And by the way, when you do this with the ones you don’t like, they’ll be scared off soon enough, so you’ve eliminated this problem as well.
But wait! In Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time, we said that if you want someone to like you, you want to make yourself available, because this increases liking. If this is so, doesn’t it contradict the law of scarcity? Here’s what is often misunderstood. If you want someone to like you, then you do indeed want to be in their company fairly often. This is true, but remember that liking is the foundation for every relationship. That means that once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, you then want to limit your availability.
Here’s a question. Don’t we often see good-looking people with attractive partners and vice versa? If attraction has little to do with appearance then why is this so? It’s because we are often most comfortable with those of similar levels of attractiveness. (This coincides with studies that show that people are generally friends with those of similar levels of attractiveness.) A good-looking person can sometimes make a less attractive person feel uncomfortable. So this less attractive person tends to lose perspective and act differently—meaning that she puts the person on a pedestal and does the four things outlined in this chapter that she shouldn’t be doing. But it’s the things that she’s doing—not her—the physical person—that make the difference. This is validated by the fact that sometimes attractive people are with less attractive people. In these relationships it’s likely that the less attractive person feels confident about the relationship and hence behaves differently than their less attractive counterparts. (This “confidence” is replicated here when we apply the four factors to gaining leverage in the relationship.)
• Perspective
In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasize its value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn’t become your whole world. It’s important to feel fulfilled in other areas of your life so you’re able to maintain a sensible perspective and not rely on someone else’s affections as your sole source of satisfaction and happiness. When you’re dating someone you’re not too interested in, you have plenty of perspective because you’re not thinking, “This is the only person for me; if I don’t have him my world is over.” You’re thinking, “All right, let’s see what happens; maybe he’ll grow on me, and maybe he won’t.” And it’s precisely that mentality that translates into the best attitude. And it’s this attitude and your corresponding behavior that actually make you more attractive.
• Passion
Here’s the crux of how and why relationships work or fail. Simply, you can’t appreciate what you take for granted. This is essentially why people, in general, become unhappy in their own lives. They always want more but are never grateful for what they have. And if you are not grateful for what you have, you will begin to take it for granted. And when you do this, you no longer appreciate it. And when you don’t appreciate something it holds no enjoyment for you.
The same holds true for relationships. If someone takes you for granted he or she will not appreciate you and will begin to look for someone else. Similarly, if you went to the doctor and were told that you might lose your hearing, you would probably develop a renewed appreciation for sound.
Our gratitude lies in being reminded that we should not take these things for granted. And you don’t take for granted what you believe can be taken away from you at any time. Similarly, if the object of your affections is a bit insecure with the relationship—meaning there is an element of doubt—then his or her lack of confidence will not lead to arrogance and ingratitude. You must create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship.
Again, without some doubt there is the feeling that “you will always be there.” Then he no longer sees how great you are and loses appreciation for you. He begins to take you for granted and the passion dies. But you, in your relationship, can within a second reignite the passion and turn the relationship around by introducing an element of doubt. Passion is extinguished when there is no doubt because when there’s no doubt you will be taken for granted. Just as in the previous example of going to the doctor: You never gave your hearing a second thought until you thought that it might not be there. When doubt is introduced into the equation it changes your perspective! I cannot stress this enough: You will be taken for granted and not appreciated and the passion will go out of the relationship if all elements of doubt are removed.
Unfortunately, when we are insecure about a relationship we harm it further by being clingier because we need reassurance. But in doing so you reinforce that you are forever his and remove in his mind any doubt that you might not always be there. And then passion is extinguished. It is a fact of human nature. But now that you understand you can use it to your advantage.
Remember that this and the other factors in this chapter are not ideas or tricks that work sometimes. These are laws that dictate human behavior. If you use them and operate within these parameters you can succeed at gaining complete leverage in any relationship. But finally, make sure that you don’t make the mistake that most do when it comes to...how you make them feel.
Why can’t I have an open, honest, and trusting relationship? You can, of course, but you have to wait until you are in love with each other—and here’s why. The above three tactics are ego-based and are designed to get you to this point, but should be discontinued so that you can move on to a mature and lasting relationship. Briefly, love is the absence of ego or the “I.” And once love takes root, the dynamics of the relationship change so that the more the person is available, and the more he does for you, the more you love him. As far as passion goes, you need only introduce some unce
rtainty should you feel that you are being taken for granted.
• How You Make Them Feel
A person likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. This doesn’t contradict the above. You should still maintain the above behavior—regarding your attitude and availability—but you do want to treat the person well. It is bad advice, though often given, that you don’t want to build up someone’s confidence, and be overly flattering and complimentary, because then she will “know that you like her” and back off. To a degree, we know this can be true, because when someone likes us, while we are flattered, we can find ourselves less interested in that person. This reaction comes courtesy of the rule that says, We want what we can’t have and want more of that which we have to work for. Simply, if it falls in our laps we tend to have less appreciation for it.
But herein lies the crucial difference between being attentive and kind versus telling her that she is your entire world and the only person for you. (Because, as we talked about, this removes doubt and begins to erode the passion.) The former is more objective and has to do primarily with her. The latter involves your relationship and invokes the rule of scarcity. Notice the crucial difference between saying how much you like this person—which makes you lose leverage—and telling her that she is a likable and great person. Merely stating that somebody is terrific makes her feel great and makes you look great. It’s a winning combination because it’s only the confident person who tells another how wonderful and terrific she is. And we like confident and secure people! The distinction is often blurred and we end up trying to “play it cool” and not wanting to “show our hand.” This accomplishes little and creates a cold and uncomfortable atmosphere. But lavishing this person with “objective” praise shows you in the best and most confident light and makes her feel great! Again, you want to let her know that you think she’s great but not that she is your whole world and that you can’t live without her.
Get Anyone to Do Anything Page 3
