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The Best Way to Break Bad News
How to Get Anyone to Take Bad News as Well as Possible
Life can sometimes deliver to us the unkindest of blows. When you are in a situation where you are to be the bearer of bad news, this strategy will benefit you greatly. You are about to see that you can dramatically alter how a person responds to any situation by changing the way you deliver the information.
Language has a powerful impact on how we perceive and consequently feel about what we hear. This is often why good salespeople know they shouldn’t say, “Sign the contract.” Instead they suggest that you, “Okay the paperwork.” Even though you’re doing the same thing, you don’t feel as comfortable signing the contract because it’s been imbedded into us ever since we were little not to sign anything and to have a lawyer look at any contracts. But okaying the paperwork, that’s something you can do without worrying.
Cult leaders know the powerful impact of language. In 1997, thirty-nine members of the Heaven’s Gate cult took their own lives in a mass suicide. In reviewing videotapes the members made before their deaths, we repeatedly heard the cultists refer to their bodies as a container. It is much easier to destroy a “container” than it is your body. Over time they gradually began to accept the idea that their bodies were merely a container, and therefore of little importance or value. This is why it became so easy for them to “dispose” of the container and kill themselves.
Politicians understand well the power of words to influence attitude and behavior. People are more comfortable hearing about a military action than a war even though they mean the same thing. We would rather hear of collateral damage than be told that civilian property was accidentally destroyed; and we are not as disturbed hearing of friendly fire as we would be to hear what it really means—our soldiers shot at our own forces. And, of course, watching the morning news we are less moved being told of casualties, than we would be if the reporter said what that meant: deaths. Most of know what these words “really mean” but, again, that doesn’t matter. It’s how we digest the information, and language is essential to that process.
Language alters our perception of reality because we see the world through words. Language is the basis of thought and thought is the extension of emotion. Therefore, you can substantially decrease a person’s reaction to a situation by choosing the right words. So what are the “right” words?
You want to avoid harsh language. Don’t use words that have a strong negative connotation. Doing so avoids an automatic reaction—like we often have to signing contracts—and helps the information to be processed and internalized more slowly. In much the same way that a body goes into shock if there is an overload of pain, the mind is similarly shocked. However, if we receive the information in smaller intervals (using softer language) the “shock” is diluted and that helps to severely lessen the impact of the news. We say “time is the great healer” because it is the suddenness of negative information that amplifies the pain. The passage of time allows us to put things into proper perspective. When something first happens we have no perspective because it is in the present. It is all-consuming.
Let’s say that you just found out that your nine-year-old son took the family car for a joy ride and was brought back by the police. You might be understandably upset. However, instead, what if you just found out that your nineteen-year-old son took the car ten years ago? In both scenarios you just found out the news but your reaction is entirely different. Why? Because of a perceived passing of time. Time is a powerful psychological tool that can dramatically shift our perspective.
Language also alters our perception of how we remember things. Research by Loftus (1979) in eyewitness testimony shows us that how the question is phrased can substantially impact on how we remember the details. For instance, regarding a traffic accident, those who are asked how fast the car was going when it smashed into another car give higher “estimates” than those who are asked how fast the car was going when it hit the other car.
How we deal with information is also influenced by our belief system. Whatever beliefs we hold about a particular situation dictate how we will respond to it. For instance, some cultures believe that a birth is a joyous event, so they celebrate it. And they believe that death is not good and so at funerals they are sad. But some cultures believe that death is a glorious transformation, an event to be celebrated, and they are joyous at funerals. Notice it is not the event, but our beliefs regarding it, that determine how we feel. All information—specifically sad and bad news—is a function of a specific set of beliefs.
When a person becomes upset about an event in her life, it’s because of one or more of three cognitive beliefs: (1) she feels that the situation is permanent; (2) she feels that it is critical, meaning that it’s more significant than it really is; and (3) she feels that it is all-consuming, that it will invade and pervade other areas of her life.
When any or all of these beliefs are present it dramatically increases our anxiety and despondency. Conversely, when we think of a problem as temporary, isolated, and insignificant, it doesn’t concern us at all. By artificially deflating these factors, you can instantly alter a person’s attitude and make it more positive. Certainly the type of news will dictate how this can best be used, but if you can address at least one of these you will be effective in diminishing the unpleasant reaction.
It’s also so important to keep in mind that when information is at all ambiguous or has vague implications we often don’t know how to respond. We take our cue from others. For example, if you’re in a crowded movie theater and somebody yells “fire,” how might you respond? Research tells us that if the rest of the audience sat in their seats, you would likely remain seated as well. But if there were a mad rush for the exit, it’s likely that you too would begin to leave.
When we are unsure of what something means, we look to our world to provide us with information on how “upset” we should be. The more relaxed and assured you are in relating the news, the calmer she will be.
Another psychological technique, which is part of your overall strategy, is based on the law of contrast. This law states that we don’t think and see something as it is, by itself, but in relation to other things. In essence we contrast and compare. (This phenomenon is discussed in more depth in Section I.) By contrasting the situation with something worse it’s perceived in a new light and in a better perspective. For example, if you bring your car to the mechanic and he tells you that you need new brakes, you might be appropriately displeased. However, if he were to first tell you that you might need a new engine, a new transmission, and a new exhaust system, only to inform you an hour later that you just need front brakes, your thinking may be, “Whew, I got away lucky this time.” It’s not the information itself that is so crucial, but rather the context of it and how it relates to everything else.
Let’s take an example that incorporates some of the above tactics. Although it depends entirely on the situation, the following strategy will greatly reduce the psychological impact and pain. In this scenario a physician determines that his patient has diabetes. Look at the difference in the approach, and decide if you were the patient, which doctor would you rather hear the news from?
Dr. A
Mr. Doe, I’m sorry to have to tell you this news, but you have diabetes. My laboratory tests confirmed this just now. And as you may or may not know it can be life threatening and you can face severe complications like amputation and blindness. Everything in your life has got to be changed from this second forward—what you eat, how you exercise, and so on. I’m truly very sorry.
Dr. B
Okay, you’re in good health except for a variance in your blood sugar levels. I’m pleased with these results and that you came in when you did because it could have turned into something much worse. You’re in good company, too, there are millions of other folks who have diabetes; that’s the technical name for it. And the best news is that it’s completely controll
able and when properly cared for you won’t even be aware of it. As a matter of fact, I think you’ve had this for quite some time and you’ll see with an improved diet and exercise program you’ll have a lot more energy and vitality.
As you saw, both doctors delivered essentially the same information, but Doctor B gave the news in smaller increments which allows for the person to begin to accept the idea, mentally digesting the situation and hence, significantly lessening the impact. He used softer language and conveyed that there were positives to the situation such as improved overall health. His entire tone was positive and he said phrases such as “I’m pleased we caught this...” instead of “I’m sorry...” Of course the patient will need to be informed of other details, but in time. And once the newness is digested more information can be taken in without the usual shock and accompanying depression.
Strategy Review
• Avoid words that have a harsh, negative connotation or stigma. Language is the basis of thought and thought is the extension of emotion. Therefore, you can substantially decrease a person’s reaction to a situation by choosing the right words.
• Present the situation when possible (or aspects of it) as temporary, isolated, and insignificant.
• Use the law of contrast and comparison by illustrating how it could have been worse than it actually turned out.
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Get Back Anything You’ve Loaned Fast, and Without an Argument
Many of us have had the experience of loaning something out, whether it’s money, a chain saw, or whatever, only to feel uncomfortable when asking for it back. Of course the obligation shouldn’t fall on you to get it back; the person you’ve loaned it to should return it without your having to ask. But when he doesn’t, here’s how to get back anything quickly and easily. (By the way, if you have trouble saying no when asked for things, read the next chapter and never feel guilty again!)
The first stage of this technique is simply to ask for it. Sometimes the direct approach works best. And be sure to include a valid reason as to why you need it back now. For instance, “Sam, that two hundred fifty dollars I loaned you last week I need back because I have to pay off a bill that comes due tomorrow.” Simple, direct, and to the point. And if we lived in a perfect world this would be enough, but we don’t, so often it isn’t.
If this doesn’t work then you need to create more leverage. Since someone has what you want you need to up the ante and appeal to his ego. This can be done several ways. The following strategies can be used in order and until you meet with success. As you will see if you meet with resistance the tactics increase in severity.
1. Tell the individual that you know her to be the kind of person who does the right thing. In fact, that’s something you admire most about her. This statement brings her self-worth and belief system into the equation (we’ve covered this in detail in previous chapters). Now by not giving you back what she borrowed she risks having to reevaluate her self-concept and how she sees herself. You might say something such as, “You know, Samantha, what I’ve always liked about you is that you try to do what’s right and fair.” Then in a few hours simply ask for your money and she’s going to be unconsciously motivated to do what is “right and fair.”
2. With this technique you appeal to her sense of dignity. Tell her that a few people you both know (in shipping/on the block/at the salon—you need not mention names) told you that you would never get it back. You might say, “I don’t want them to be right about this; it’ll make us both look foolish.” This makes her feel as if everybody is talking about her and she’s going to want to institute damage control—and that means giving you what she owes you.
3. If this doesn’t work then you need to use more severe measures. You do this by saying that you’re going to have to tell others about this so they won’t lose money to her as you did. Most people will do anything to protect their public image, especially something as simple and easy as giving back something that they’ve borrowed.
Strategy Review:
• Simply ask for it, being sure to include a reason as to why you need it back now.
• Tell her that you think of her as the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing.
• Appeal to her sense of dignity. Tell her that a few people you both know told you that you would never get it back.
• Tell her that you’re going to have to tell others so they won’t lose anything to her as you did.
• Remember too that people do favors for those they like. And yes, some consider giving you back what’s owed to you as a favor. If the above don’t get you anywhere see Chapter 1, Get Anyone to Like You...Every Time, to ensure your success.
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Say No Without Hurt Feelings or Guilt
“No” is a complete sentence—so say it. But if you think that by saying no you’re headed for an argument, use the following technique. It is one of the very best psychological tools and will save you much grief and aggravation.
There’s a rule of persuasion called reciprocity that basically says, when someone does a favor for us we often feel the need to reciprocate. We’ve mentioned this before, but briefly; it’s the same reason why religious groups offer a flower or some other gift in the airport. They know that most people will feel compelled to give them a small donation. We know we don’t have to, but we can become uncomfortable, even though we didn’t ask for the gift in the first place. When someone gives us something (i.e., time, information, a gift, etc.) we often feel indebted to him. This is also why so many of us have a hard time not buying something in a store after the salesperson “spent all that time” with you. It just makes us more comfortable to reciprocate in some way—in this case by buying something. Most salespeople are well aware that if they invest a lot of time with you, showing you a product, demonstrating how it works, you will feel somewhat obligated to buy it, even if you’re not sure that you really want it.
Well, this law of reciprocity can be applied in the reverse. The technique works like this. When you turn down the favor (that’s being asked of you) ask for a favor from that person right after you say no to his request. By asking a favor of him, which he most likely won’t or doesn’t oblige, you’ve in effect canceled your debt as soon as he declines your request. In much the same way that buying a shirt balances out the salesperson’s investment of time with you, there is an unconscious feeling that balance is restored. You say no, he says no, and because of this, almost magically, he feels okay about it.
For example, a friend calls you and asks if he can borrow your car. You respond with “Oh no, I can’t because I’ve got to use it, but I’m glad you called. Is there any way you can walk my dog while I’m out of town next week?” Now he has to apologize to you and offer an excuse as to why he can’t do this favor for you. This works great even on those people who try to “guilt” you into things. They will have a hard time arguing with you after just denying you a request. It will make him feel extremely awkward and usually too uncomfortable to press you on his favor. Note: Make sure that the favor you ask him for is something that he can’t come through on. Although, you could ask for something really outrageous that you would like him to do for you, in which case if he does agree to it, then you might not mind doing the favor that he’s asking of you.
Here’s another fascinating and effective addition to this technique. Notice the use of the word “because” in the above example—it’s there for a reason. A study done by Langer, Blank, and Chanowitz (1978) found that the word “because” holds an astonishing power.
Asking to cut in front of people using the copying machine, Langer’s collaborator said, “Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine?” to which a little over half of the people agreed. The fascinating thing is that Langer found she could get almost everyone to comply when they changed the phrasing of the request to: “Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?” The reason was nonsensical. Of course you need a copying machine in order to make copies. So w
hy does it work so effectively? Because the word because triggers an unconscious acceptance that a valid explanation will follow. We hear something and we have almost a Pavlovian response to accept it. Whether the sentence makes sense or not, we assume it does and, therefore, we don’t bother to process the explanation.
So when you want to say no, simply say it, use the word because, and ask for a favor afterward. The conversation will end with no hard feelings and with you feeling great.
If you’re not sure if you can help out, don’t say that you’re not sure or that you’ll think about it. The smartest thing to do when initially asked is to give a resounding, “Yes!” If you can follow through that’s great, but if you can’t, the other person at least knows that you tried because you initially agreed with such enthusiasm. Therefore, the reason you can’t come through is not because you didn’t want to but because you were just no longer able to. It starts at the beginning when you are first asked. If someone asks you for a favor say, “No problem,” right away. That way if it turns out you can’t oblige it won’t seem as if you’re looking for an excuse.
Strategy Review
• When you turn down the favor (that’s being asked of you) ask for a favor from that person right after you say no to his request. By asking a favor of him that he can’t come through on, you’ve in effect canceled your debt as soon as he declines your request.
• When you turn down his request, and before you ask him to do something for you, use the word because in your excuse. The word because triggers an unconscious acceptance that a valid explanation will follow.
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How to Turn a Rude and Obnoxious Person into Your Best Friend
Get Anyone to Do Anything Page 12
