by Paul Zindel
BooksbyPulitzerPrizeWinner
PAULZINDEL
YOUNGADULTCLASSICNOVELS
ThePigman
ThePigman’sLegacy
PardonMe,You’reSteppingonMyEyeball!
ABegoniaforMissApplebaum
TheUndertaker’sGoneBananas
MyDarling,MyHamburger
HarryandHortenseatHormoneHigh
ThePigman&Me
TheAmazingandDeath-DefyingDiaryofEugeneDingman
INeverLovedYourMind
ConfessionsofaTeenageBaboon
DavidandDella
TheGirlWhoWantedaBoy
TheEffectofGammaRaysonMan-in-the-MoonMarigolds
(WinnerofthePulitzerPrize)
AStarfortheLatecomer(withBonnieZindel)
ToTakeaDare(withCrescentDragonwagon)
THEZONEUNKNOWN
Loch
TheDoomStone
Raptor
Rats
ReefofDeath
NightoftheBat
OTHERTITLES
TheGadget
ABEGONIA
FOR
MISS
APPLEBAUM
PAULZINDEL
TOANYKIDWHOREADSTHIS:
Something terrible has happened. There are no lies in this book and nothing phony.Wearewritingitduringourcomputerclassathighschoolwhilemostof
theotherkidsareplayingDonkeyKongandDemonAttack.Wehavetotellthe
wholestorybecausewethoughtwhatweweredoingwasright.Well,maybeit
wasn’t. Maybe we were very wrong. We still don’t know. Maybe you will
understand, and be able to help us. Please don’t think we meant to hurt Miss Applebaum.Pleasedon’tthinkthatatall.
Contents
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SneakPeak
AbouttheAuthor
1
Well,youmightaswellknowallabout me andthenyou’llunderstandhow Zelda and I got involved in what happened to Miss Applebaum. You
probably never knew Miss Applebaum, but she was our 62-year-old biology
teacher last year at Andrew Jackson High. Our nickname for Miss Applebaum was“TheShocker”becauseshelovedtosurpriseherclasses.Infact,theexact
daywestartedtocallMissApplebaum“TheShocker”waswhenshebroughtin
a Bloomingdale’s gift box and opened it to reveal a dead cat. The cat was a weird-looking one with white-tipped paws and a black body. It wasn’t that she hadjustscoopeditupoff59thStreetafterataxihadhitit,oranythinglikethat.
Itwasalreadyembalmedandsealedinplastic.MissApplebaumsaiddissecting
adeadcatwasn’therideaofagoodtime,butitwaspartoftheNewYorkCity
BoardofEducationsyllabus.Shetoldussheputitinagiftboxsoallthekidsin the class would know this cat had given a present of its life in order for us to learn about cat anatomy. She also believed the cat deserved the dignity of a name. We voted to call it Louis. She didn’t allow smiling either when she demonstratedwhythetabbywasproperlycalledLouisandnotLouisa.Actually,
there are thousands of things Zelda and I have to tell you about Miss Applebaum, but you’d better know a few things about us first or you won’t believewhathappened.FirstI’llwriteaboutme,andthenZeldacanwriteabout
herself.
My full name is Henry Maximilian Ledniz. My parents gave me that name
when I was born because they must have been odd even then. All the kids at school call me Henry and it’s only when I come home to our apartment at 30
Lincoln Plaza that my berserk mother and father call me Henry Maximilian.
Zelda lives a block away at 40 Lincoln Plaza with her parents, who are very differentfrommine,thoughshe’lltellyouaboutthemwhenshefeelslikeit.The main thing I need you to know now is that I’m very good-looking like Luke Skywalker, but in an alien sort of way. I’m just being truthful. People tell me howhandsomeIam.Mymotherkeptmeinababycarriageforthreeextrayears
so I could be rolled in and out of Zabar’s Delicatessen and the Nevada Meat Markettoreceivepraisefromothershoppers.Ofcourse,Idohaveafewflaws.
Myfirstflawismyhair.Itismousebrownwithacowlickthatgrowsstraightup
outofmyskullandneedsapoundofmoussetosubdueit.Myhairissothick thatwhenIgotoPepe’sHaircutSalon,whereallthekidsfrommyschoolgo,
Pepehastouseathinningscissorslikeahedgetrimmer.Heclipssomuchhair
offmyheadthatwhenitfallstothefloor,itlookslikeadecapitatedhead.My
eyesalsopopoutalittleifyoulookclosely,andthere’satinyscartotherightof myupperlipfromwhenIwastenyearsoldandranthroughaglassdooratthe
MagicWokCafeonColumbusAvenue.Ishouldletyouknowthatthemiddle-
agedladywhoworksinSedutto’sicecreamparlorinthebottomofmybuilding
alwaysflirtswithmewhenIgointhereforafixofcookies’n’cream.Shesays
I’m going to be a real heartbreaker like Casanova when I grow up, but I’m fifteen already. Zelda, who is reading over my shoulder, just yelled at me for braggingaboutmylooks,butI’vegottobetruthful.Shesaysit’dbemuchbetter if I just told you things I did and then you’d know as much about me as you couldstand.
SeventhingsIdidlastweekare:
1) Iboughtacopyofthe StarGazette andread“WhyAlexthebeer-serving doghasbecomethesurprisingnewstarofTV’stop10commercials.”
2) Iwatchedrerunsof JawsI,NightmareonElmStreetII,and Police
AcademyIII.
3) IwenttotheedgeofCentralParktowatchratssunbatheonarock.
4) ItookZeldatotheCosmicSodaShoppeforafrozenhotchocolateanda macadamianutcookie.
5) IhadadreamIwasflyinginsideabig,bright-redroomthathada bambootablewithacandleburningonit.Ithinkitwasasacrifice
chamber.
6) IgaveadollartoabumwhowasscreamingforGodandaskingifGod’s realnamewas“Buddy.”
7) IorderedfreshflowersforMissApplebaum’sgrave.
Zelda says I shouldn’t tell the following because it’s irrelevant, but I often leavemycallingcardinphonebooths.Ifyoueverseethefollowing,thenyou’ll
knowHenryLednizwasthere:
Zeldalooksverycrankynow,soI’vegottolethergetatthewordprocessor.
2
MynameisZeldaEinnobandI am crankyaboutalotofthethingsHenry wrote in the first chapter. There is simply no way I can make you
understandwhathappenedtousconcerningMissApplebaum’sdeathunlessyou
know more accurate things about us than Henry told you. He always thinks of thecraziestwaytodoanythingbecausehehasahardtimefacinguptoanything
that remotely resembles true emotion. That is Henry’s main flaw, not his cowlick. Deep
down, he is one of the most compassionate, loving boys in the world,buthe’dbethelasttoshowyou.IhaveknownhimallmylifeandwhenI
look back on our growing up together, I am filled with a great warmth and a strange,mysticalbeliefthatGodreallydoesexist.WithoutHenry,Idon’tthinkI could have survived all the frantic and nerve-wracking events that have
happened.
Henry is veryhandsome.Ashetoldyou,everyoneknowsthat,especiallyhim.
For myself, I always wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor, Vivien Leigh, or Princess Di. I don’t. I am just normal-looking except for my black hair, which reachesdowntomyshoulderblades.ThereasonIgrewitthatlongwasbecause
I used to be in the children’s chorus at the Metropolitan Opera, which is right acrossthestreetfrommyfamily’sapartment.I’mnotinthechorusnowbecause
I grew too big for the children’s costumes, but the opera I loved being in the most was Puccini’s Turandot. The head diva in that opera wears a long black wig in the second act, after a stranger correctly answers three riddles she asks him.Thestoryof Turandot isthatifthisstrangerdoesn’tknowtheanswersto theriddles,hewillhavetofaceadistastefulfate.WhenIsawhowbeautifuland distinctivethedivalooked,IimmediatelystartedlettingmyhairgrowandIalso startedusingabitofEnglishLavenderpowder,crimsonMaxFactorlipstick,and
Maybelline mascara. Henry doesn’t need anything like makeup, but I need all thehelpIcanget.IhavetakenalotofsinginganddancinglessonsandIintend to go into a theatrical profession or be a psychiatrist. For a few examples of things I have done that would help you know me better, I am referring to my teachers’ reports from last term because I feel they will present the most objectivepointofview.
1) WHATMYENGLISHTEACHERMRS.LARNERSAIDABOUTME:
“Zelda’sassignmentsforEnglisharealwaysapleasuretoreceiveand
brimmingwithinsight.HerballadonMarilynMonroe’sexploitationwas
aknockout.”
2) LIBRARYSCIENCEWITHMR.WARWICK:“Zeldacouldrefertoa
dictionarywithmoreregularity.”
3) MATHWITHMISSGOLDBERG:“MissEinnobworkedwellwiththe
conceptof3-digitdivisorsandsheperformedwellonhypotenuses.”
4) FRENCHWITHMR.ALFIERI:“Sheeffectivelyperceivesthe
differencesbetweenlivinganddeadlanguages.”
5) HIGHSCHOOLCHORUSWITHMISSVROOMBA:“Zeldaisnow
singingwithaverywiderange(almostthreeoctavesinwarm-ups),and
islisteningtoothersandtryingtoblendbetterwithhersopranosection.
Herhairmakesheraparticularlyimpressivesoloist.”
6) ARTWITHMR.LAHR:“Zelda’scollageofaclaygirlsittinginan aluminumtreeworksbeautifully.”
YoualsoneedtoknowafewwaysthatHenryandIareespeciallydifferent.
Firstofall,Ihaveregular-sizeblueeyesandhehasgiantgreeneyeslikeahawk.
Whenwewalkdownthestreet,IlookupatthebuildingsandtreetopsbecauseI
lovehowbeautifultheyare,butHenrycheckstheguttersforlostmoney.Also,
he doesn’t remember his dreams, but I remember mine and keep a record of theminajournal.Lastnight,IdreamedIwaswalkingdownBroadwayandsaw
a mysterious girl with mushrooms growing out of her head. It was really very frightening.Iremembertryingtorunawayfromher,butshechasedme.When
shegotclose,mushroomsstartedgrowingoutof my head. I started pulling the mushroomsoutofmyskull,butthefasterIdid,thefastertheygrew!Iwokeup
screaming,andwhenItoldHenryaboutthedream,allhedidwasburp.Again,it
was his way of avoiding emotion and not wanting to face up to anything connected to what happened to Miss Applebaum; I’m afraid that just won’t do anymore.
ItallstartedlastSeptember9tharound8:30inthemorning.Thatwasthefirst
dayafterthesummervacation.HenryandIwentinthe82ndStreetentranceof
Andrew Jackson along with about two thousand other noisy kids who were
tryingtogettheirprogramsandsayhellotofriendstheyhadn’tseenallsummer.
HenryandIjustwentstraightuptothethird-floorsciencelaboratorybecausewe wanted to sign up immediately to be two of Miss Applebaum’s lab assistants
again, which is what we had been during the year before. We practically explodedthroughthedoorcallingout,“Hi,MissApplebaum!”
ButtherewasnoMissApplebaum.
There was only a man we’d never seen before, in a white lab coat, and he lookedslightlynervous.
“Miss Applebaum isn’t here,” he muttered, and continued setting up some
kindofpulleysystem.“I’mherreplacement,”headded,“Mr.Greenfield.”
“Isshegivingupthelab?”Henryasked.
“No,”Mr.Greenfieldsaid,lookingusoversuspiciously.
“Thenwhereisshe?”Iwantedtoknow.
“MissApplebaum retired.”
There was something about the tone of this Mr. Greenfield’s voice that was veryneurotic,andthewayhecouldn’tlookusintheeyemademefeelasifhe
knewsomesortofsecret.Someterriblesecret.
Ican’twriteanymoreatthismoment.I’msorry.
3
Zeldaiscrying.Shecriesveryeasilybecauseshe’stoosensitiveforherown
good.Ihavetotellyouthosethingsaboutherbecauseshewon’t.She’stoo
polite.Likewhenshetoldyouabouttheyoungstrangerintheopera.Shesaidif
he didn’t know the answers to Turandot’s riddles, he would have to face “a distastefulfate.”Sheshouldhavejusttoldyouthattheywouldhavechoppedhis
headoff.Infact,allthroughtheopera,mostofthestageisdecoratedwithyoung men’sheadsthathavebeenchoppedoffandstuckonbamboosticksforPeking
massestobehold.
Anyway,bothZeldaandIfeltverystrangewhenthisnewlabteachertoldus
MissApplebaumhadretired.Weweren’texpectingitatall.Mostkidsmightnot
feel whacked out about a teacher retiring, but Zelda and I think the loss of a devoted schoolteacher is an important event. We think a lot more of
schoolteachers than they could ever imagine. We even like teachers we hate because we think of ways to drive them nuts. Teachers have always been powerfulforcesinZelda’slifeandmine.Whenwewereverylittleatelementary
school, we thought teachers lived their whole lives inside of school buildings.
Wethoughtthereweresecretstaircasesthatlowereddownatnight,andafterthe
teachers got rid of the students for the day, they would go through mysterious passagestohiddencondounitsontheroofortopuptentsintheboilerroom.I
rememberthetimeZeldaandIfirstsawateacheroutsideofschool.Itwasour
principal, Miss McGillicuthey. She was walking down Fifth Avenue in the St.
Patrick’s Day parade, and we thought she had illegally escaped the school building.
But Miss Applebaum was the most special teacher we had ever met in our entiredecadeofacademicpursuits.Herlabperiodswereinthemorning,during
which she was in charge of supplying all the equipment, chemicals, and
parameciathateveryscienceteacherwouldneed.Shewastheonlyteacherwho
had the experience and training for such a vast job. After her lab preparations, she
wouldteachonlytwoclasses.Fromthefirstday,ZeldaandIhadknownwe
wantedtoworkwithMissApplebaumbeforeschoolandduringourfreeperiods
in order to be around her and all the fascinating gizmos in the science lab. Of
course,wealsoearnedextraservicecredits,butwewouldhavehelpedcleantest
tubesandadjustBunsenburnersfornothing.ThereisnowayIcantellyouall
theincrediblethingsMissApplebaumdidtoexciteZeldaandmeandallthekids
inherclasses.Butthethingsshedidwhenitwasjusther,Zelda,andmeinthe
labwerespectacular.Afewgeneralhighlightsare:
a)MissApplebaumoncebroughtinoverseventycocoonsfromthepark
andhungthembythreadsfromthewindows.Amonthlater,wecameto
classandthereweresevenmillioninfantgrasshoppersleapingallover
thedesksandcausingariot.
b)Anothertime,MissApplebaumexplainedinscientificdetailhowdoctors
forceatapewormoutofapatientbygivingmassivedosesoflaxatives
andthensearchingthroughbucketsuntiltheyfindtheworm’shead.
c)LastJanuary,sheletmedemonstratestaticelectricitybypermittingme
tochargeupZeldaonaVandeGraaffgenerator.Agoodtimewashad
byall,exceptZelda:
See? That’s how provocative she was just in class, not to mention all the adventuresshegaveussearchingforamoebasandusingmicroscopestospyon
flies’legsandhumancheekcells.
Zeldahasstoppedcryingnowandwantsmetotellyouafewthingsaboutthe
more artistic sides of Miss Applebaum. Well, I can’t lie. She was extremely creative,butsomeofthethingsshedidonlyexplainedwhyacertainfactionof
the faculty and kids thought she was eccentric. Basically, she baked bohemian ceramicearringsinthelaboratoryincubatorduringhersparetimeandsoldthem
to other teachers who wanted bargain birthday, Xmas, and Chanukah gifts.
Secondly, you might as well know that Miss Applebaum sometimes wore a
blackhomburghatondayswhenshewantedtofeel“special.”Also,itshouldbe
