But now God, a Higher Power, the Buddha, Ganesh, Archangel Michael, Moses, or someone else up in heaven had smiled down upon her and finally cut her a break.
“That’s lovely,” Annie said to Thinnest. “Where do we start?”
“I’ll give you the tour.” Thinnest walked out from behind the front counter.
Ten feet from the counter stood a solid woman with a beckoning smile, warm inviting eyes, dressed in a long white lab coat. She set her sights on Annie. “Yo, girl. Can you even see over those eye circles?”
Annie turned and saw a portable reclining facial chair close to the retail section of the spa’s lobby. Next to the chair was a tray filled with every kind of cream and elixir imaginable. This beautiful, older, African-American woman gestured at her. “Special free mini-facials today at Inhale Spa.”
Annie stood, frozen. She heard, “free mini-facials…free mini-facials…free mini-facials…” It was mesmerizing. Perhaps addictive. Step aside, Kettle-Chips.
“Good lord, honey, you look to be under heaps of stress. We’re promoting a new line of the most amazing facial products you’ll ever find, called STARZ. You come here first, let Ms. Caroline work on you, and visit those healing waters after.”
Annie looked at Thinnest. “What do you think?”
Thinnest gave her the once-over. “You gotta do something for those eye circles. I’m off now. Someone could give you the tour later. But it’s pretty self-explanatory and you can figure it out yourself.”
Ms. Caroline took a liking to Annie. Instead of a mere twenty-minute mini-facial, an hour later Annie still lay on her back on the portable facial table. A long strip of cotton ran over her forehead and protected her hair from the STARZ moisturizing mask on her face, neck and upper chest. Cucumber slices covered her eyelids, and a magic, tangerine colored elixir potion saturated her under eye circles. Annie spilled her guts to Ms. Caroline about her travails, and in return Caroline shared a few of her own.
“When I went through my first divorce, I thought I was gonna die,” Caroline said. “Herbert took everything. I went on welfare.” She washed off the moisturizing mask from Annie’s face with a little sponge that she dipped repetitively in a tray of STARZ’ Vitamin water. “My second divorce was from Icy Riot.”
“No way!” Annie said. “You were married to that rapper dude with the crazy bling?”
“Five long tortuous years. I negotiated for Riot to put me through cosmetology school. I am now a licensed and professional cosmetologist.”
“You rock!”
The Observer entered the Spa and recognized Annie despite the salad on her face. She also identified Tawny, who walked out of the entrance/exit from the women’s side of the spa.
Tawny wore a scarf over her head and huge black sunglasses. The miniscule part of her face still visible was bright red, like carpaccio. She leaned over the front desk. A male waif clerk leaned forward to help her. “Reverend Sunshine Fuller?”
Tawny whispered through puffy lips. “I did a little more than I planned. Did the reporter show?”
The Male Waif pointed at Annie reclined in the facial chair with the cucumbers on her eyelids.
Tawny glanced and nodded. “Tell her I had to leave early and attend to my flock. We’ll reschedule in a few days. Put a little twenty dollar giftie for her on my account. I still want the magazine piece. I mean, world peace. Peace for the children of the world, all over this land.”
“Yes, Reverend Fuller. I’ll handle it.”
“Blessings!” Tawny turned and scurried out Inhale Spa’s front door.
The Observer thought that after all this time, things were finally falling into place. She walked to the front desk, signed in and strolled through the open doorway next to the “Women Only” sign.
Ms. Caroline wiped off the tangerine goo from under Annie’s eyes. She handed her a mirror. Annie looked at her reflection and almost fell off the chair. No dark eye circles, no puffiness. She looked ten years younger. “You’re a miracle worker. Thank you! How can I repay you? What is this stuff?”
“It’s the new STARZ completely cruelty-free, harvested, Caviar Eye Gel. The fish are lightly sedated and their eggs are gently removed. They live long productive lives and have many more eggs later.”
“If only I were so lucky,” Annie said.
“The caviar is then mixed with trace elements, amino acids and mineral in a completely natural top-secret formula. There’s nothing remotely like it on the market.”
Annie smiled. “That’s amazing. Sold! I must have it.”
Ms. Caroline handed her a business card. “It’s three hundred dollars for a three month supply.”
Annie frowned. “That’s, that’s…” That’s way out of her price range. Annie couldn’t afford that for soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, eggs benedict at lunch, or an omelette for dinner, every day of the week. It was bittersweet, because when she gazed in that mirror, she looked like her old self, before all the stress.
The Male Waif walked up to her with a big fat smile on his scrawny pasty face. Since when were cool trendy spa employees allowed to smile? She surmised his smile was false. Something had gone wrong with her Tawny interrogation. She eyed Ms. Caroline, who got it. Annie braced for the bad news.
“Oh, you look fabulous!” the Male Waif said to Annie.
“Cut the crap. What’s wrong?”
“A member of Reverend Fuller’s congregation called her away. She needs to reschedule,” the Male Waif said.
“She wants to reschedule?” Ms. Caroline said. “Ms. Annie is—”
“Ms. Crystal Light from Towering Cathedral Magazine,” Annie said.
“Ms. Crystal Light is a hot young journalist, and no one wastes her time!” Ms. Caroline said. “Honey, don’t you have a relative of Reverend Graham lined up for your magazine cover? Or was that Doctor Schuller’s cousin?”
Annie broke into a sweat. She was so close to figuring out this mystery; this show could not be over. She had to nail the killer, who had to be Tawny. She could not spend one more day, one more hour, one extra second with Derrick or she’d pull out all her hair and tattoo 666 on her scalp.
Of course, then he materialized. She saw his three quartered naked behind in his silver thong as he rifled through the New Arrivals section in the Yoga Wear area.
“You look good, Cupcake. I think we’re close to discovering who killed me. In fact, I hear the voice of my mother calling to me from the other side. She’s saying, ‘Derrick. Derrick. Only in the privacy of your own room, not in the middle of a grocery store, I beg you.’ I think that’s a common phenomena right before people pass over.”
The Male Waif played his ace. “Reverend Fuller wanted to assure Ms. Light that her time is valuable. She instructed me to give Ms. Light a spa gift to show her good faith.”
Derrick eyed Annie. “The eye cream,” he said.
Ms. Caroline declared, “She wants STARZ’s new completely cruelty-free harvested Caviar Eye Gel.”
The Male Waif blinked. “That item’s sold out. Sorry.”
Ms. Caroline pointed to boxes of the STARZ Eye Gel lined up on the product counter. “What are these?”
Derrick said, “The eye cream or no magazine cover.” He swiveled his hips, eyed the Male Waif and licked his lips.
The Male Waif regarded Annie. His eyes narrowed and he countered, “A paraben free wax hand treatment.”
Annie looked at Derrick. He winked at her. She stared down Male Waif and said, “The STARZ’s new completely cruelty-free harvested Caviar Eye Gel.”
“A paraben free wax hand treatment and a naturally lemon scented potpourri for your car.”
“The Eye Gel.” Annie stood up, put her hands on her hips and swiveled them.
“A paraben free wax hand treatment, a naturally lemon scented potpourri, and…” the Male Waif paused for a second. “The organic Bee-Beautiful lip balm.”
“Lip balm?” Derrick exclaimed. “Does this guy think you’re some bimbo beach bunny who forgot he
r sunscreen as well as her brain? God, I miss those girls.”
“The Eye Gel,” Annie replied. “Or no magazine cover for the Reverend Fuller. Do you really want to lose a celebrity client who not only spends big bucks, but drops your name when she’s interviewed by In-Style Magazine?”
Derrick and Ms. Caroline applauded.
Male waif eyed Annie, then Caroline, and blinked. “Yes. The STARZ Caviar Eye Gel it is. You can pick it up after your visit to our Healing Waters, or…”
“Oh, I’ll pick it up right now,” Annie said.
“That’s perfect, Ms. Light. You should know that Inhale Spa closes early tonight for a special event. I don’t believe you’re on the guest list.” The Male Waif smiled, smug.
“Whatever, Bucko.”
The healing waters section at the Inhale Spa was perfect. Annie snuggled into her cuddly, long, extra thread count robe. Pulled the sash tight. She was in the locker room, a tiny meticulous area with floor-to-ceiling lockers. Unlike high school gym class, where everything smelled like B.O., this place smelled like eucalyptus. She patted her purse in the locker. It appeared swollen because it was stuffed with samples of STARZ products that Ms. Caroline had given her, as well as the eye gel. Around her a few women pulled their clothes on or off as they prepared to leave or relax. Annie closed the locker’s door, set the secret code on the lock and spun it shut.
Since Tawny cancelled, Annie wouldn’t be late. Since the spa was closing early, she also couldn’t dally. She walked from the impeccable changing area past chairs occupied by several women who sat in front of the countertops filled with jars of Q-tips, cotton balls, sterilized hairbrushes, and body lotions. They applied their makeup, and styled their hair. Maybe they were going to the special event tonight.
New Age music played through invisible speakers in the pristine bathroom area where the sinks, floors and showers were covered in Italian granite. Scales lined up next to the sinks. No way in hell she was going to step on a scale. She walked past the steam and sauna rooms and stared at the pools.
Oh God, they were beautiful. The pool on the left was long, thin, like a lap pool. It had crystal clear rushing water for resistance and calorie burning. According to signs posted on the walls over them, the two smaller pools on the right were: 1. A Dead Sea salt mineral infused hot tub designed to relax every tight muscle in one’s body, and 2. A cold Icelandic water dipping pool. Between the pools were baskets of apples, oranges and organic trail mix samples. A stand on the adjacent wall featured herbal teas and filtered drinking water. Holy guacamole, maybe she should get divorced and haunted more frequently.
Derrick followed Annie. “I was thinking that since Tawny canceled perhaps we could…”
“No,” Annie said. “I tried to interview Tawny. She split. I am relaxing. I have lovely eyes and am one with the universe. While I appreciate your negotiation skills, I will talk to you later.”
She walked away from him. Where to start? She’d open her pores first in the eucalyptus steam room. Relax in the hot tub, maybe find the best jets (boy, was she overdue in that department) and take a dip in the cold pool. She’d check out the trail mix before she headed home and called Brother Madison again, to reschedule with Tawny. Annie pushed open the heavy door to the steam room and headed inside.
The Observer lay on a chaise lounge chair next to the hot tub and sipped some tea. She watched Annie walk into the steam room and frowned. She was through with stalking and shocking. The last time she felt this angry she almost killed someone. The killing thing seemed to be turning into a habit. The Observer got up off her chair and walked toward the steam room.
Thick clouds of steam puffed from ceiling and wall jets in spurts and hisses. The steam saturated the small tiled room. The hot fog almost obscured two tiers of tiled benches. Annie found her way to the first bench in the steam room’s corner and plopped down. She closed her eyes. The eucalyptus smelled cleansing and felt refreshing. Steam away, she thought. Steam away the hurt, the pain, the tobacco lungs and the stress. Help me open my heart and breathe in new life.
The door to the steam room opened and closed. Annie squinted and watched a woman wearing a robe, with the hood pulled over her head, enter the room. She took a seat on a bench adjacent to Annie, dropped her hooded head in her hands and sighed. Yet another overly stressed soul. It was like an epidemic in Los Angeles.
Annie reflected on the most recent events. Was Tawny flakey and sweet? Or simply a calculating killer? Who else stood to gain from the old will? Yes, the percentages had changed on who got what. Was there anything else to bequeath besides the money?
Yes. She thought of eggs. Not the fish eggs that eliminated her under eye circles, but fertile, baby-making eggs. Probably two-thirds of women in the world at some point, wanted to be in an intimate committed relationship and have a kid. Then there was…
Derrick’s frozen but still viable sperm was listed in his will. He’d offered her a baby from a vial of his man seed popsicles that resided in a tiny cold vault at St. Cecelia’s Sperm Bank, but he’d also promised his swimmers to someone else. “Derrick!” she said in her head. “Whom else did you promise sperm? Who in your life really wanted to be a mom?”
Derrick examined his eyebrows in the immaculate bathroom mirrors just feet from the steam room. He read somewhere that one’s hair continued growing after death. Apparently this was true, as spare, longish, hairs littered his formerly groomed brows. He thought he heard someone call his name. Sounded like Annie. She could sit for a while and stew. How many times could a guy apologize?
Dammit, the healing waters would have to wait. Annie had to call Detective Rafe with her new insight. She got up from the steam room bench and headed toward the door.
The hooded woman got up at the same time and stood in front of her. “Excuse me,” Annie he tried to walk around the woman, who took a step in the same direction and blocked her way. Obviously this poor dear was not only stressed but also hearing impaired. “I’m sorry,” Annie said loudly and slowly. “I hate to interrupt your cleansing pore therapy, but I must leave. Now.” She touched the arm of this exhausted, possibly deaf woman and tried to step around her.
Annie reeled backwards. She flew like a cheesy cable news guy getting Tasered for better ratings. She landed hard on the steam room’s floor in a heap, seething with anger like some wannabe who’d been cruelly voted off a reality show. But this wasn’t her anger. Yeah there... this reaction was definitely an empathic hit.
The hooded woman really didn’t like her. The woman wanted to kill her.
Annie heard a distinctive click; the sound of a gun cocking. Thank you, brother Carson, his gun-nutty friends and a thousand episodes of Law & Order.
The woman pointed a gun at Annie. “No-go, Dimwit. Thanks to you, my sperm, my future child will be destroyed tomorrow,” the woman said. “I have a window and you’ve been messing with it for weeks. But you will not close my window. Because I am slamming yours shut, forever.” The woman shoved the gun in Annie’s ribs.
Annie gasped. “Derrick!” she screamed. Between the thick steam and her attacker’s hood she couldn’t see the woman’s face. “Derrick—help!”
“Derrick’s dead, you idiot,” The woman poked Annie in her ribs with the gun again. “You will be too, soon. Thanks to fertility drugs and my twenty-four hour admittance pass to St. Cecelia’s, I have access to his sperm.”
Annie knew this was her only moment.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed as she whip turned and stared over her shoulder. “Over in the corner—is that Angelina? Should she be in the steam if she’s pregnant again?” In the millisecond that the hooded woman turned to look, Annie grabbed the gun and wrestled its barrel away from her stomach.
“Derrick!” Annie screamed.
Derrick watched Bootsy Bauerfeld meander into the spa’s bathroom area. She wore the spa’s signature sashed robe and eyed the scales. Bootsy looked in the mirror and pulled in her tummy. Had she lost weight? The scales would tell the truth.
/>
Out of nowhere, Annie screamed his name. This time it wasn’t in his head. Even Bootsy heard it and glanced around, curious. The stitch on Derrick’s dead butt cheek itched for the first time since he was alive. He had a strange feeling that Annie found his killer.
Annie and the woman fought for control of the weapon. Annie located a major steam vent when she leaned against it and burnt her arm. It hurt like a mother, but gave her a great idea. She kicked the woman repetitively in her shin and shoved her backwards—right over the steam vent. The steam released and hissed loudly. Right on the back of the hooded woman’s head. Score!
“I estimate these robes have a two hundred percent plus thread count,” the woman said. “Nice try. That won’t even pop a blister.”
“Derrick! Help! Not kidding!” Annie hollered.
Derrick surmised this was his moment to pass to the After-Life. He looked in the mirror. He was reasonably coiffed. He licked his finger and tried to tame his errant eyebrow hairs. If it was his time, he had to be presentable and prepared. Checklist: Franco, his son, was safe and taken care of. His new will had been read. He, Dr. Derrick Fuller was still fabulous. Anything else before he transitioned? Oh right, the identity of his killer. And the well being of Annie Rose Graceland. He promised. He turned from the mirror and strode through the door that led into the steam room.
Derrick saw Annie wrestling for a gun with a person wearing a hooded robe.
“For the love of God, Derrick. What are you waiting for? The Labor Day Sale at Macy’s?”
1 Cupcakes, Lies, and Dead Guys Page 26
