by M. F. Lorson
“I’m not mad at you,” I said, biting my lip to keep tears of frustration from squeezing out without my permission. I was great at shooting off my mouth. Saying things like, you just want to get out of Delinki. I was not so great at the apology bit. Maybe I should have just let the tears flow. Crying always got me out of trouble at home. Like, Oh, Addy you’ve written your name on the wall in permanent marker? That’s okay, don’t cry. No one wants to see you cry! Somehow, I didn’t think Gray would be as easy to manipulate.
“I’m sorry,” I said, letting the words burst out before I could think better of it. “Today is maybe the most important day of your life, and you were right. I was ruining everyone’s chances, mostly yours. And I didn’t mean to hold you back, it’s just...I just found you, you know? I wasn’t ready to accept it’s all short term.”
Something softened in Gray’s face. He hadn’t come over here looking mean, but his jaw had been set in that all-business expression he usually reserved for Coach Griffith.
“I never wanted us to be short term, Addy. I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I don’t love Minnesota, but meeting you has made it bearable.”
“Bearable,” I mumbled, trying not to meet his eyes.
Gray shook his head. “That was a bad way of putting it.” He let go of my elbow but stayed a step too close to be considered just teammates. “What I mean is, swimming was my everything—but then I met you.” He took my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him. “I don’t know what is going to happen with us, but I didn’t spend the last two months teaching a novice to swim so she could sit out the most important meet of the season.”
“You’re not afraid my swimming is going to drag the team down? Draw the attention away from you?” I asked, scanning the stands for anything resembling a scout. In the movies they always had a clipboard, but I guess that wasn’t real life.
Gray laughed. “Addy, it’s my responsibility to show the scout I can swim. Nothing you do or don’t do is going to affect that. Except that...”
“Except what?” I didn’t like the mischievous look that replaced the concern on Gray’s face.
“Except that, according to Griff, training you was half the reason the scout was impressed by me. So if you don’t swim, I’m not swimming either,” he said, taking a step back and folding his arms over his chest.
“You can’t be serious.”
“Dead serious.”
“What about the book, the goals, all the stupid stuff I said and did?”
“All the stupid stuff we said and did,” corrected Gray. “And we’ll talk about that later. Right now, you need to warm up.”
I let out a big exasperated breath. “This feels like a bad idea.”
“Maybe,” laughed Gray. “But we won’t know till it’s over, anyway.”
I shook my head, trying to keep my face neutral but failing miserably. “If you’ll excuse me...”
“Where are you going?” he asked, one eyebrow raised as if he were about to give me a stern lecture.
I quickly shoved my phone in my swim bag.“I’ve got to go make Willow cry,” I declared before pushing past him.
Gray doubled over with laughter. “That's my girl.”
I made my way across the pool to where Willow and the rest of the medley team stood waiting. I didn’t really know if I was still his girl, but I planned to do everything in my power to earn back the privilege, starting with dominating this race.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Gray
I stood next to Griffith and cheered along with the rest of the team as Addy’s relay team came in third: the best Delinki High’s girls team has ever placed in that event at regionals. Regardless of the daggers Willow was shooting toward me at the start of the heat, I still cheered for Addy, although I doubted she could hear me over the screaming girls in the stands.
When the scores were announced, Griffith didn’t say anything to me. He just laid a heavy hand on my shoulder and nodded his head with a smile. His words from two months ago came echoing back. We’re just out here to swim, and if you want a team that puts trophies over teammates, then you should find a different team.
Now look at us. Getting trophies without sparing teammates.
I threw a towel at Addy as she walked over to me. “Good job, loser.”
“I’m so glad that’s over.” She looked like she might collapse, so I put my arm around her back and pulled her in for a hug. No matter what happened to us as a couple, I was so incredibly proud of her.
When I glanced up in the stands to see my mom, I half-expected her to be sitting alone, a blank space where my dad used to be. Now, she was surrounded by two girls, a blonde on one side and a brunette on the other. They handed her a sign to hold for Addy, and they seemed to be laughing along with Addy’s parents sitting close by.
Then a gold polo shirt from two rows below caught my eye. The scout from UCB was sitting in a small group with other scouts, probably from University of Minnesota or other nearby colleges.
The rest of the girls’ team had their events before the boys. Addy and I killed the time between her heat and mine by either cheering on our teammates or sitting awkwardly silent together on the bench. Every once in a while, she would crack a joke and make me smile.
“Keep talking to me,” I said, with my elbows on my knees and my head hanging forward. One of the guys swimming the individual medley just got disqualified for a false start, and my stomach started to turn.
“Don’t be so nervous!” She grabbed my shoulders and tried to loosen me up. “Just swim like you always swim, and he’ll be blown away.”
“What if I screw it up?” I looked up at her, hoping for some sort of infinite wisdom to get me through this.
“Then, you’ll be stuck in Delinki forever.”
I let out a long groan which only made her laugh more.
Then, she seemed to be rifling through her bag for a moment before putting her phone in front of me. My own picture on the laptop screen staring back at me.
“What were you thinking in that moment?” she asked.
“You took a picture of my laptop?”
“That’s irrelevant. Answer the question.”
I chuckled as I thought back to that day. All I could remember was that I had a point to prove, that all I needed to do in that moment was exactly what I had trained and worked so hard for. I didn’t tell Addy that, but I did look at her with a subtle nod and a smile.
“Did you save that photo for this moment?” I asked, giving her a sideways smile.
“Why else would I keep it?” she asked, looking down at the photo with a scowl of disgust before pocketing her phone.
“Not because you think I look hot?” Nudging her in the ribs, I let out a laugh.
“Barf, Gray. You know, there are way more important things than being hot.”
Once again, I found myself feeling much more relaxed after talking with her than I would had I been closing myself off to the rest of the team. Which was good because a moment later, they called the men’s 100 Butterfly to the starting block.
“Go murder that PR,” she said as I stood up and walked over to my lane.
The next five minutes were a blur. I remembered waving to my mom, gripping the edge of the block, and staring into the crystal blue abyss of the water while waiting for the buzzer.
It was like one long moment stretched into slow motion. There was the beep, the crowd cheering, then nothing as I slipped under the water. Addy asked what I was thinking when I broke my last PR, and just like last time, I emptied my thoughts except for everything I had trained and practiced to swim this heat at the best of my ability. Our long practices, endless drills, the lake, the relays.
And after two full laps, I touched the pad at the end and popped up to the sound of deafening screams. Addy’s face was the first one in view before I turned to see the scoreboard. I beat it by three-tenths of a second.
Addy
My team got third place. Which, according to Am
y, was like the best they had ever done. I contemplated showing Willow the exact spot on my butt she could adhere her lips, but I refrained. I was still trying to show Gray I took things seriously, all the things, not just swimming.
When Gray took our usual seat on the bus, I didn’t know what I should do in response. Sit next to him like usual? Or keep moving to an empty spot in the back. What were you supposed to do when you didn’t know if you were dating or just friends? Fortunately, I didn’t have to overthink it because Gray patted the seat beside him, looking up at me expectantly.
“Are you sure you want to sit by me?” I asked, squishing in next to him. “Now that you’re a big shot, PR-breaking regional champion?”
Gray pretended to contemplate the question, stroking an invisible beard. “I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe you should go sit next to the other third placers.”
“Too late,” I chirped. “I’m here, I’m pooped, and I have no intention of using my arms or legs for the next forty-five minutes.”
Gray smiled. “I can relate to that.”
We swam very different times, but we had both given every last ounce of effort we had in that pool. I was pretty sure we would both be falling asleep to the sweet, sweet minty smell of Icy Hot tonight.
“Should I be concerned that my mother spent the entire meet in a Nora-Lucy sandwich?” asked Gray, peeking at me through the corner of his eye. I giggled, remembering the two of them forcing Ms. Turner to hold another classic homemade sign.
“I feel like she had a good time,” I said, wadding my sweatshirt into a makeshift pillow to stick behind my head.
“They let her keep the ‘please don’t lose honey’ sign. Which was mortifying, by the way.” The grin on his face told me he wasn’t as embarrassed as he was pretending to be. “Thank God they were sitting behind the scout. I don’t know what the selection policy is for UC Berkeley, but I like to imagine they don’t purposely recruit mama’s boys.”
I gave a half smile. Bantering back and forth with Gray felt good. It was almost enough to make me forget the past week of avoiding one another in the halls. But when he mentioned Berkeley, my heart sank. Even if we worked through all of the squad goals stuff, he would still be half a country away this time next year. We had only just met, but it already felt wrong not being around him. It was going to feel twice as bad if we went to separate colleges.
“You think you got the scholarship?” I asked, knowing full well the answer.
Gray looked down at his hands, “I beat my PR, and my PR was already pretty good. And he came all the way out here to see me so...I don’t know what else I could do to prove to him that I’m Berkeley material.”
I didn’t want to spend the whole bus ride making him feel bad about leaving Delinki. We’d done great in the meet, but we weren’t moving on to state as a team which meant this was the last time we would sit shoulder to shoulder like this. Since I didn’t know where we stood relationship-wise, it felt like I should absorb every minute I could with him, so instead of saying what I was really feeling, I did my best to be positive.
“Plus, you turned a nobody into a third place regional medley champion. That must get you like 45 get-into-college-free brownie points.”
Gray grabbed my sweatshirt and placed it on his shoulder so I could rest my head on the long drive, the way he had a half-dozen times before. “At least 45,” he said. “Probably more because she was real bad to begin with.”
I wanted to punch him in the shoulder for that remark, but I wanted to wrap my hand in his a lot more. Too bad his hands were clasped together in his lap and not lying open, waiting for mine the way they used to be on long bus rides. Not knowing what we were was torture. I laid my head on his shoulder and inhaled his familiar mixture of chlorine and cologne. Maybe I could make this bus ride go on indefinitely, if not the bus then maybe the school year. Suddenly, the passage of time felt like death by paper cut.
“Ahem,” coughed Freddy standing at the front of the bus. “Willow and I would like to invite you all to the end-of-season team party.”
“And for once we have a real reason to party!” cried Willow, her face was still rosy with exertion and the excitement of placing second in the women’s freestyle. I wanted to go on hating her. She sure hadn’t made this season easy for me, but seeing her up there, all smiles, her eyes positively glowing with joy, it was hard not to latch onto her enthusiasm.
“You want to go to another dumb party?” I asked, remembering how the last one we had been to ended with our first kiss.
“That depends,” said Gray, leaning his head on top of mine. “Can I catch a ride?”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gray
My mom was giving me one of those sentimental mom looks over our tiny dinner table.
“What?” I asked through a mouthful of pizza. She had our new favorite place delivered before I had to leave for the party at the lake.
“I’m just so proud of you,” she said with a smile, clearly holding back tears. “I know this year has been hard on you, and you weren’t happy about this move. But...I’m starting to think it was all for the best.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I couldn’t exactly argue with her. It was only the first semester, and already it was pretty eye-opening. But thinking about the next semester was strictly off-limits. Without swim practice and our extra little sessions, I didn’t know if Addy and I would be seeing each other at all, except for math class. And no matter where our current relationship was, I wasn’t sure if I was okay with that.
It would be a very boring semester. That was for sure.
“So, Addy is picking you up?” she said, probably noticing the way I got lost in thought, staring at my pizza like it was the biggest decision of my life.
I nodded without too much enthusiasm. My mom would, without a doubt, try to get involved if I gave her so much as a hint that I wanted her to.
“That’s good,” she said, clearing her plate, letting her words linger.
“We’re still friends.” I kept my tone neutral, not giving away any sense of emotion or lack thereof. Mom’s could sniff out those opportunities to talk like some kind of hound.
“You know…” she called from the kitchen. Here we go, I thought. I never should have filled her in on the whole book and goals thing, but in my defense, I expected her to take my side. “Whatever Addy wrote in that book had nothing to do with you.”
I nearly spun out of my seat. “You saw it, Mom. She called me arm candy. She didn’t take the swim team seriously.”
“Neither did you when you started.”
“I was seven!”
Her all-knowing mom face didn’t even falter. “Things change, Gray.”
Then she leveled that mom look on me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. I had a feeling I knew where this talk was going.
“She may have called you that at the beginning of the year, but I think I remember how you felt about her back then too. And if you think things between the two of you haven’t changed, then I’m telling you now…I’ve seen you two together.” She walked over and kissed the top of my head. “Things change.”
She walked away, leaving me at the dining room table as she disappeared down the hallway. Before closing the door of her room, she called out. “Have fun and be home by eleven!”
It left me with a lot to think about, but not a lot of time. A second later, the doorbell rang, and I opened it to find Addy there in her oversized sweatshirt and leggings.
“Let’s go, loser.”
For the entire ride over to Willow’s I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom said. Things had changed...a lot. I remembered those first days when my goal was to get Addy off the team as fast as possible. And no matter what her goal was, that was a pretty crummy thing to do to a new teammate. But it didn’t take long before I wanted something completely different, and if my goal changed...then maybe hers did too.
“So, how long before you find out the scout from California was obsessed with you and
wants to give you all the money?” she joked when we pulled onto the highway toward Willow’s property.
“I don’t know,” I answered. I was excited to hear back from the scout, but at the same time, I wasn’t in any hurry. I wasn’t afflicted with the same sense of anxiety and desperation I was two months ago. “What about you? Where are you going next year?”
“Probably just the closest Minnesota state campus. My parents can afford that much...it’s not like I have to save anything in the college fund for Max.”
“They have a pretty good swim team there, you know,” I said.
“What are you talking about?” she answered with a laugh.
“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not gonna quit now.”
“Gray, I’m not swimming in college. It’s even more competitive there. And I won’t have you around to torture me into being a better swimmer.”
“Awww...thanks,” I teased with big fake smile. “You tortured me too.”
She gave me that typical Addy sarcasm-scowl as we pulled off the highway and up to Willow’s house. “I’m being serious, Addy. You need to keep swimming. You’ve come too far to quit now.”
“Don’t get all sappy on me, Turner.” She pulled the keys out and looked over at me, but it wasn’t long before her smile melted off her face.
The tension in the car grew serious as we both probably remembered all the kissing we used to do in this exact spot whenever we pulled the car up to my house late at night. But I just kept my eyes on her as she started to fidget with my attention on her. I wasn’t going to move until she agreed with me.
“Okay, okay.” she finally said with a high-pitched whine. “I’ll think about it.”
A laugh escaped my lips as we both got out of the car and walked up to the party together.
Addy
I felt like I was returning to the scene of the crime. Before Willow’s lake party, Gray and I hadn’t crossed any lines. We were friends. I thought he was hot. He thought I was dragging the team down and was willing to do whatever it took to turn me into a competitor.
