by Riley Ashby
I sagged against the doorframe. This was bad. I had encouraged my best friend’s little sister—his very vulnerable little sister—to have a crush on me every time I let her curl up against me in the night. Anyone could have told me that letting a high schooler lie in bed with me while her brother slept unawares on the floor wasn’t a good idea, but somehow, I convinced myself that what we were doing was innocent and friendly. I knew girls slept in the same bed all the time without anything hinky going on, so why couldn’t we do that too, as friends?
Even though a part of me hoped we were more than friends, I knew we couldn’t go on like this. It wasn’t right for her surrogate older brother to inspire these feelings. I was eighteen, she was fifteen, and she’d never had anyone to count on other than her brother. I could never be more than that to her.
I opened my computer and ordered the most popular cologne they had for delivery the next day. If I could change what she found comforting about me, maybe it would convince her to pull back. I would have to stop being so friendly and maybe avoid our occasional hugs. The hard part would be kicking her out of my bed when she needed comfort.
Didn’t everyone deserve to have someone they could go to when they were upset? She couldn’t always get it from Ellery, busy as he was with his scholarship duties and studying, so if I took myself away from her, she would have no one to go to. I knew how hard it was for her to whisper her fears in the light and how much easier it was for her to speak them into my pillow with her eyes screwed closed. Placing nothing more than a hand on her shoulder, I’d give her that contact while she poured out everything bottled inside.
It would be hurtful to her if I took that away. She was already so isolated, never seeing friends outside of school because we couldn’t risk her leaving the dorm room if anyone was in the hallway. How could I live with myself if I took away her outlet, her only friendly interaction in this world of raucous boys that were either unaware of her presence or assumed she was my girlfriend if they happened to catch sight of her?
No. She needed me, even if it felt wrong. I needed to be more careful, but we could still make this work.
When I finally laid down to go to sleep, she stood and walked over to me. Ellery was gone, and there was no body to tiptoe around. I froze as she settled into bed with me, realizing she had never woken up. She was sleepwalking.
I waited until she stilled, her head on the edge of my pillow, before I wrapped my arm around her back and pulled her a few inches closer.
Just for one night.
*
No one in New York called me Cas. No girls knew how to make me laugh when everyone around me pissed me off. No pair of moss-green eyes to give me confidence when I doubted myself.
It was exactly what I needed and the opposite. The separation allowed me to focus, but I missed her so much it hurt. I second-guessed every decision. My friends who knew about Vail asked me about her for a while, then stopped when I didn’t have any updates to give. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them why.
I sent her a text her every day, but she never replied.
“Do you need to go home?” Archer knew just how stressed out I was by her lack of response. He bore the brunt of my irritable nature each day that passed without a reply from her.
“I have to make sure he goes away.” I couldn’t go home before I’d completed that task. “She just needs some time to herself.” When I saw her again, things would go back to normal.
My colleagues had worked diligently behind the scenes while Ellery and I tracked down Chase and his web of crime. They had all the details of Chase’s business deals, even under names I hadn’t been able to uncover thanks to the bogus business deal Ellery had helped us secure with him. We couldn’t touch the accounts in the Cayman Islands, but we knew the money was coming from somewhere. After tracking it back to certain dates, we slowly uncovered the network he’d been operating across the States. Vail was nowhere near the first woman he’d taken, and unfortunately, there had been many more after her. He wasn’t responsible for each one, but he was always present at their sales, and sometimes, he took one or two for himself. We knew the bodies were somewhere, but finding them would be an entirely different venture. The lesser charges of money laundering and embezzlement paled compared to his true crimes, but when aggregated, they proved he was far too great a flight risk to let out on bail. I prepared the case down to every last detail. The prosecutor took his cues from me as I laid out everything necessary to ensure a conviction without Vail’s testimony. She was never going to see him again in any capacity. I would work myself to death to make sure that never happened.
The texts I sent to her contained nothing about the case. I told her about the people I saw at the restaurants where I ate every night and how they haggled over the cost of a fountain drink or how much I tipped a distracted waiter. I petted dogs I met on the sidewalk and thought about her each time. I didn’t get a single word in response.
I called the groundskeepers periodically and made sure they were doing the tasks I had set out for them. They took care of the things I had left behind at Ellery’s place. Without realizing it, they gave me updates on her well-being, telling me about her yoga on the lawn with Tori and walks through the garden with Sophie and the dogs. I spoke with Ellery each day but not until late at night. I asked him as much as I could without giving away my feelings, and he didn’t offer more information than I asked for. He had always been protective, and he was going to be so much worse now. Even I wasn’t allowed into that castle he had built around her.
One day, my text bounced back undelivered. She had changed her number and didn’t tell me.
Even though I could have asked Ellery for her phone number, I was too afraid. What would he say if I told him she had shut me out? He might tell me not to come back.
Maybe he was behind her number change.
I would type out paragraph-long replies explaining what we were doing and the new charges we had dug up that would keep Chase in a jail cell until his court date for the human trafficking. I told her what I ate for lunch, the funny ads I saw in Times Square, and the way it was so hot and oppressive in the city that I couldn’t wait to be back in California by her side. I had decided the moment I held her in my arms again that I wasn’t going back to Virginia for a while. Between the money I had saved, the paychecks from Ellery in addition to my FBI salary, and the paid time off I had accrued over the years, I had no obligation to go back to work until I was sure she was safe and secure.
When I was finally sure that everything was in place and I could pull myself out of the process, I called my boss and let him know I was taking an indefinite leave.
“You know, you might not have a place when you come back. FBI agents don’t get to take months-long vacations whenever they feel like it and expect to keep their jobs.”
“I understand that, boss.” It didn’t matter. “And I’ll accept that if it comes to pass. But I’m needed somewhere else.”
I had to get back.
It wasn’t because I thought that she and I could be together. I had been stupid to kiss her before I left, and that must be why she had been so silent while I was gone.
I needed to let her know the kiss was a slipup, and I had learned my lesson. She had to know I would respect her boundaries and give her the space she needed to heal. I would be there to help her in whatever way I could as long as I was there.
After boarding the earliest flight they had available, I typed messages to her on my phone during the flight. But when the wheels touched down on the tarmac, I deleted every one.
The chains held me tight against the bed—not that a bed was the right term for where I laid. It was too rigid for that, too unforgiving. I startled when a finger stroked the crease where my leg met my hip, but I could barely move.
“You’re being so good today, my dear.”
I squeezed my eyes tighter, willing myself to block out the sound of that man’s voice. It haunted my dreams and my every waking moment. I w
ould cut out my eardrums if it meant I never had to hear him again.
“I’d be happy to reward you if you can do something for me.”
Blood flooded my mouth as I bit into my tongue. I wouldn’t speak to him. I’d never speak to anyone.
“Just say my name, my dear. Say my name and you can go back to your room for the day. I’ll even have some food brought to you.”
The temptation to speak almost overwhelmed me. It had been so long since I’d eaten and even longer since I’d gone a day without him using my body for his amusement. His true seduction lay in these promises he made, the possibility that he might leave me alone to heal from my physical injuries.
But he was a liar. He’d tricked me before, and I wouldn’t be fooled again.
“Nothing to say?” His hand landed harder now, stinging my stomach that was already sore from the kicks I’d suffered in the struggle when he pulled me from my room.
“Very well, my dear. Let’s begin.”
I couldn’t wake from my nightmares fast enough.
*
My days were a haze of what the internet liked to call “self-care.” I did yoga every morning, sometimes with Sophie or Tori, on the lawn out of view of the house. On the days when Sophie didn’t feel well enough to practice, she would sit and sip her coffee while I moved through the asanas. Tori talked me through different poses that were supposed to open my heart chakra and engage in “psychic healing.” I didn’t know if that part was working, but my muscles reveled in the progress being made in my flexibility.
He sent me texts five times a day. I saved them all but never replied.
During my time away, I had taken on the habit of hunching over and hiding myself. Keeping my spine curved like that caused the muscles of my back to be tight and painful to the touch. With time, my shoulders began to loosen. My back didn’t hurt as much if I stood up straight for too long. When I walked, the muscles of my legs extended to their full length. I could reach for something on a shelf above my head without sharp pain in my shoulders. I started to feel like my body was mine again.
He continued to text every day. I would linger over the words, craving more, but remained too cowardly to reply.
Tori also made me do more tactile things like lie in the grass and let the blades tickle my skin. She left various scented body scrubs for me to experiment with. I found out which scents made me nervous (alcohol and smoke) and which made me relax (strawberry and mint). I let my fingers move over my body as I laid in bed at night, touching different parts with varying pressure. One spot on my side ached like a permanent bruise, but no mark was present when I looked. I stood in front of the mirror and pulled off my clothing piece by piece until the blood rushed too loud in my ears. Slowly, I came to bear the sight of my body again.
His texts never ended. It tore my heart to shreds to have him so close but force myself to keep away from him all the same. I wouldn’t be able to keep my secrets this way.
I threw away my phone and got a new one. I gave the number to Sophie, Ellery, and Tori only. Then there were no more texts.
Slowly, I started shedding layers. I didn’t need a cardigan over my T-shirt, certainly not in the California heat, and eventually, tank tops started to feel comfortable again. Jeans were heavy and chafed my skin when I sweat, so I preferred dresses. They allowed me to move freely and, when long enough, still kept me protected from any prying eyes. Sophie and Tori would occasionally touch my arms or shoulders as they passed me in the hallways or at dinner. Eventually, Ellery did too. He looked at me hesitantly the first time, but I couldn’t stop my smile. It felt good to touch him again—my brother, my companion since birth.
In a lot of ways, nothing had changed. We sat at the table at dinner and ate as a family. We laughed at jokes. Ellery spent most days at home, but sometimes, he went into the office, and Sophie usually went with him. I hadn’t even thought about trying to get my old job back or doing anything that would require me to leave home. I walked around the house, touching familiar trinkets and staring at the paintings on the walls. I found one place in my bedroom where the carpet had always been a bit rough after I spilled ice cream on it. It felt the same underneath my feet.
At night, I moved furniture in front of my door, the secret door, and any window potentially accessible by a grappling hook. Then I’d climb into bed and curl around a pillow buried under a mountain of blankets. The first night I had a nightmare, Ellery threw himself against my door until the dresser tipped over and crashed against the floor. After that, I agreed to leave enough room for Tori to slip through.
Before I went to sleep each night, I’d type out long text messages to Castel, pages of my thoughts and feelings and what I dreamed about. Explanations of the chemical reactions taking place in my brain that made me see shadows in a bright room or movement where there was none. The medication I took to encourage serotonin reuptake and keep me from eating a bottle of aspirin when my heart wanted to swell and burst from the pain that wrecked my nights. I wrote through the nights when I couldn’t bring myself to sleep even with Tori on the floor next to my bed or every light in my room illuminated.
In the mornings, I’d delete every word.
It was all a pipe dream.
Even if we didn’t have the complication of my brother standing between us, too much had happened for Castel and me to come together now. Those nights we had spent curled toward each other with a few impassable inches of mattress between us were the closest we had come in years, and now, they were the closest we would ever come.
He would never know the truth.
That way, I could truly stay safe for the rest of my life.
*
I was twenty-five the day I decided I hated him.
It had been six weeks without a word between us. I never texted him once. There were no calls. I didn’t ask Ellery for any updates, and he was more than happy to keep me out of the mud. I spent a month and a half pretending that Castel Austen didn’t exist outside my memories.
But it wasn’t until he walked back in the door, acting as if he hadn’t been gone a day, that I decided I never wanted to speak with him again. I hovered near the foyer as he chatted with Ellery. The lightness with which he asked about me nearly broke my heart. As if he didn’t care whether he got to speak with me. How could he pretend he didn’t care whether I was here when he had spent so much time texting me while he was away?
Why do you care? It’s what you wanted. That was why I hadn’t returned his messages, after all. It was the real reason I changed my phone number—not the cock-and-bull story I told Ellery about wanting to be untraceable to anyone who might know me.
I couldn’t listen without wanting to go to him. Ignoring the lance through my heart, I took off down the hallway as quietly as I could.
“Vail.” Despite the distance, his soft voice reached me. I stood still, daring myself not to turn around, but I couldn’t help speaking.
“Welcome back.”
I heard his footsteps on the rug behind me. He halted not three feet from me, giving me space but still standing inside my bubble. He could touch me if he wanted. If he wanted.
“I missed you.”
I turned slowly, keeping my eyes down.
“I texted you, too.”
I shifted in place. “I got a new phone.”
“I figured.” He hesitated, giving me an opening, waiting for an explanation as to why I would change my number and not immediately tell him the new one.
I had to change tactics and get him off my back. I looked up and met his gaze. His gray eyes were stormy today, a sea beset by tidal waves. He had the beginnings of a beard, and he looked almost as tired as I had after I was rescued. I resisted the urge to ruffle his tawny hair. “How was your vacation?” I couldn’t stop the bite in my voice.
He flushed, his mouth twisting into a grimace at my words. “You know why I had to go. We had to discuss the case. We needed to find a way to keep Chase in custody without being granted bail. I thought you
understood that.”
“And why didn’t anyone want to talk to me? An actual victim of the situation?”
His grimace deepened. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“Why not? It’s what you think of me. I’m too fragile to involve, too broken to touch. And I’ve always been like that. Not just now. That’s why it was so easy for you to walk away from me. Again.”
This was going off the rails. I wasn’t supposed to make him think I had missed him or remind him of the pain I still harbored toward him, pain that existed long before this ordeal.
He stepped forward and reached out, almost as if he was going to touch me, and my heart skipped a beat. His fingers fell at the last second. I scoffed.
“I won’t cut you.”
“That’s not what it’s like, Vail.”
“Then I guess I’ll never know what it’s like, Cas. Because if you can’t be bothered to stick around for six weeks during the hardest time of my life, then I don’t want to see you.”
I waited for half a heartbeat longer than I should have to see if he’d fight. To see if he’d redeem himself, repent, apologize.
Please apologize. Please say you’re sorry. Please drop to your knees and beg me to tell you everything.
“I don’t see why you have to be like this,” he said quietly.
I reacted as if he’d struck me.
“You can’t be serious right now. You take off to perfect your disappearing act, and you’re the wounded one?”
He managed to look sheepish. “I had to go back to New York. I had to make sure that the asshole went to jail for the rest of his life.” He gestured at me. “I did it for you.”
Something inside me snapped. Whatever had been holding me together while he left me here alone completely crumbled under the insult of his explanation. That he would abandon me at the hardest time of my life for my own good. As if he knew what I needed.
