by Rita Hestand
She went in and stared out the window. Her body trembled from her lack of knowledge about these things.
There was a balcony and she'd never been on a balcony before, so she went and opened the two glass doors that led out to it. She stood there, feeling the light breeze on her hot face. The very thought of making love sent a flush to her face. She thought she'd be more mature about it, but she wasn't.
Joe was right, she did need to grow up.
In her mind, she'd only contemplated the wedding, no further. How could she, no one went through with it but Joe.
It was a beautiful April night, the stars were out twinkling, the moon was bright. Summer hadn't arrived yet and it was such a pleasant night. It looked romantic, staring out at the streetlights. She saw a couple standing under one, kissing and envied them. There was a time, the summer when Joe left, that Anna had longed for Joe to confess his love for her and sweep her off her feet, but her parents had convinced her not long after that it would never happen, he was simply too old for her, and he finally realized it!
It closed a chapter in her life that she wasn't ready for. But he wasn't too old for her now, and she knew it. Yet love didn't seem to be a part of this night.
Her nerves were stretched, and she felt the least little thing could send her into tears.
Everything Joe had said was the truth. It had hurt too. And he'd been so blunt about it that she had to see it for herself. No one had ever talked that way to her before. Her father merely grumbled when he was angry with her. Her mother never got angry. She'd been spoiled since she grew up, with all kinds of callers at her door. She'd been courted by many but never had she really taken any of them seriously. What a fool she'd been. None of them loved her, and she wasn't in love with them. It also dawned on her that what those others wanted was sex, not love. The one thing she knew, she'd never had sex out of wedlock. Never!
How could it all come so clearly now?
If she could love any man, Joe was the only one she knew that she could lose herself with. At fourteen she'd been star-stuck with him. But he left and broke her heart. And she'd finally concluded that everyone else was right, he was simply too old for her, and he didn't love her.
But this was a serious problem. Her best and longest friend in the world was angry with her and rightfully so. She'd been thoughtless, acting immaturely about her embarrassment, without even a thought to the men who jilted her and why, nor to Joe for what he sacrificed. It hadn't dawned on her that maybe no other girl would have him now that he had married.
Had she ruined his life? No wonder he was angry.
Still, one couldn't change overnight either.
And how could she possibly right the wrong to him?
This might ruin Joe's life forever. She hadn't given his life a consideration when she asked him to marry. It was a selfish request for a selfish reason.
Now she faced going to bed with a man she had married and was angry with her. Would he take her, or never touch her? She wasn't sure how she felt about that either.
His amorous kisses shocked her. At fourteen she would have given him anything for a real kiss. But now, everything had changed. Even the men that asked her to marry hadn't kissed her like Joe had. What was the difference? Perhaps Joe was merely trying to shock her. Well, he succeeded with that.
She knew it was an unwritten rule, you didn't kiss your best friend. Not like he'd kissed her. But he had, and it was an experience she wouldn’t be forgetting.
Why had he broken his own rule?
She went back inside; he came out of the room in what looked like homemade pajama bottoms. He was shirtless and that shocked her even more. She'd never seen him shirtless since he'd grown into a man, and she couldn’t take her eyes from him. He was so built, with wide shoulders that tapered to a slim waist. His chest was hairless, and she wondered about that. She thought all men had hair on their chest. Little did she know about men.
She went inside the room and changed into a gown; it was a lovely white cotton gown with a square neckline that was sewn with lace. Her mother made it special for her wedding night.
Would this be her wedding night? Something deep inside her told her she didn’t deserve a wedding night, even if she might want it. And a strange part of her knew she did.
What got to her was that for once she wanted the normal things in life. To love a man, have a family, was that so wrong of her?
She came out and he was staring out the window.
She slipped into bed quietly and laid her head on the pillow.
He saw her and came around the other side.
She raised up on an elbow and stared at him.
"Y-you can't sleep with me." She told him softly, raising up to stare at him.
"Can't I?" he stared with a frown. "Hide and watch, darlin'." He told her as he slipped in on the opposite side. He rolled away from her and sighed.
She gasped.
She was so nervous she was afraid the bed might shake. She rolled away from him, tears falling softly on her pillow. She didn't even know why she was crying. Had she hoped he would take her? My God, she had!
She waited.
Nothing.
Finally, she heard his soft snore. A mixture of regret and relief filled her. She felt so mixed up, so tense. She shivered for the longest, not because it was cold, but because she lay there with such a strange feeling. She didn't understand him, and she couldn't ask him. Sometime later she closed her eyes and went to sleep.
The next morning, Joe was gone when she woke up. She looked at his side of the bed, and he'd been there most of the night, it looked like, but his clothes were gone, and she wondered if he run off and left her. After all, that was the story of her life. Men leaving her.
The feeling of abandonment had been all too familiar for Anna. Maybe he was so disgusted with her that he went home. If he had what would she do?
She swallowed hard.
If he went home without her, it would be utter humiliation for her. How could she ever hold her head up in that town again? They weren't fools, they'd know why she married Joe and they wouldn't like her any longer. She knew she couldn't come up with a story good enough to please her friends that knew her so well.
All kinds of crazy things went through her head. She needed some coffee. She needed to get her head on straight and figure out what to do.
Maybe she could stay here, get a job and forget about her life back in Wayward.
But she loved her folks, they had always been so good to her. She'd miss them. Funny thing was, she missed Joe already. And a little voice deep down inside her told her she might have missed the best thing in life, being truly loved by a man, not just any man, but Joe.
Knowing she owed him an apology, and that she'd been so wrong about her life the last few years she wondered how she could correct such a thing? How did one change. And how could she possibly know whether to stay in this marriage if he was going to be angry all the time.
But the biggest problem was he didn't want her physically. He proved that last night.
He wanted her to grow up, basically. That was something she hadn't done yet. As the baby of her own family she'd been pampered and spoiled most of her adult life.
Her sister Mary had been married three years and had one child and another on the way. She had to face facts; she was the crazy one of the family.
She went on the balcony and stared up at the heavens, "How do I change, God." She cried. "How do I make it all come right?"
"You have some coffee first," Joe told her as he heard her and came to hand her a steaming hot cup of coffee.
"Oh my God, you brought me coffee?" she asked. She stared up into his beautiful eyes and words failed her. That same feeling of being fourteen and knowing she was losing him hit her. It hurt.
"You've loved coffee in the mornings ever since I've known you." He chuckled. "Even when you were a kid. Your parents wouldn't let you have any, and when I was there, I'd give you half of mine. I saw your mouth watering e
very time your Mother made it."
"I remember very well." She sipped the coffee, closing her eyes and savoring the rich flavor. "Thanks, I really needed that." She told him and moved to go inside. "I guess I don't make much sense until I have a cup of coffee."
"I remembered that, too." He chuckled.
He glanced around at the people on the street and came inside, closing the doors.
"Well, I think we need to have some breakfast, get a few clothes and then we can see a few of the sights." He told her.
"Clothes?"
"Well, it didn't look like you had many in that small valise of yours."
"Oh, no, I guess I wasn't prepared. I guess I was too embarrassed to ask my mother what to prepare for on a honeymoon. I didn't want her to think I was totally stupid, but I am."
"We should eat now and pick up the clothes we will need. I want to go to a horse auction this afternoon, and before that, I'm taking you to a real pretty place I found. You'll love it, we can take a picnic basket and eat while we enjoy it."
"Sounds nice," she told him. "I didn't expect you to entertain me or treat me so nicely."
"Have I ever treated you badly?"
She swallowed, but last night he'd been rather brutal with her.
He stared into her worried face then smiled, "A vacation is much better with someone along with you. Sharing good memories is never bad."
"I didn't expect you to be so pleasant this morning. I mean, I know you were angry with me last night."
He frowned, "Have I ever mistreated you?"
"No, you haven't," she admitted heading to the changing room. "But I wouldn’t have blamed you."
"Let's just enjoy this trip. Now, are you hungry?"
"I love breakfast." She told him.
"Me too, and you'll love the pancakes here."
"Oh, I'll get fat as a pig eating out so much. Last night was such a treat."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's one of your best qualities, you really enjoy what is given you."
"I certainly never expected any of this. You're quite well known here, aren't you?" she asked.
"Only because I've been here a few times."
She thought about her dress she wore last night; it wasn't appropriate for daytime. She bowed her head. "I really didn't think ahead."
He looked strangely at her. "What do you mean?"
"I only have my wedding dress and that dress I wore last night."
He glanced at the floor as though considering her words.
"Come here." His voice soft, and thoughtful.
She slowly walked up to him.
He put his hand around her, under her arms.
"What are you doing?" she asked, perplexed by his actions. She wondered if he'd kiss her again, but that didn't happen either.
"Trying to see what might fit you."
Then his hands went around her hips. The closeness it threw them in had her tensing once more. But he didn't make a move toward her, just measuring with his arms. "I'll run down to the shop across the street and get you something to wear. Drink your coffee and relax."
She stared, her mouth hanging open. "You don't have to do all this for me!"
"Well darlin' the wedding dress is too beautiful to wear to breakfast, the other is too daring. I'll be right back, don't fret so much." He tipped her chin up and stared into her eyes.
He started to leave then thought of something. "Did I tell you how beautiful you looked last night? I meant to."
Again, her mouth fell open. She hadn't expected his compliment.
"I'm sorry," he said and bent to kiss her sweet lips. The kiss lingered and she was helpless not to respond. He raised his head with a satisfied smile. "Good mornin' darlin'." His voice lowered.
"G-good morning," she murmured.
He left and while she cleaned herself with the pitcher of water, she stood at the window in her gown staring after him walking across the street.
The kiss shocked her, but even more how she responded to it. This was like some wild dream. A wonderful honeymoon for any woman. Despite the fact that he was perfect gentlemen last night, she couldn't remember having this good a time in her entire life. She'd been to local dances, she'd been on hayrides, she done many picnics, but this was so different, so adult. And the biggest shock was how much she enjoyed his company. He could talk about anything, and he knew so much about this city, it astounded her.
It wasn't long before he returned and had her a nice decent dress to wear anywhere in town. It was a lovely two-piece dress in light gray. She couldn't wait to try it on and was delighted when it fit her just right.
When she came out, he whistled. "I like it. It suits you."
"It's very stylish, I can't believe you picked it out and it fit so perfectly."
"Actually, I cheated."
"What do you mean?" she asked staring at the full skirt.
"I measured the mannequin and she was the same size."
Anna Lee burst into laughter. It broke the tension between them, and she began to relax.
He led the way to the restaurant, and they ordered pancakes and bacon with coffee. He watched and smiled as she complimented the waitress on the food.
"We're glad you enjoyed it." The waitress told her. "Most people never tell me how they feel about it."
"They should," she smiled.
"You have a good appetite for a girl who is as thin as you are."
She chuckled. "My daddy used to say it made me thin to carry it all."
He laughed.
She glanced around and saw a lot of men gathered, and a few couples. Some of the women dressed elegantly. "You know it's kind of strange how you live so close to something and yet you never go visit. Only thirty miles from home and I've never been here."
"You did go out of state once to see your cousin, didn't you?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, back a few years ago, she had gone to college to be an accountant and when she graduated, she invited me and Mary to come. But Oklahoma isn't much different than Texas, maybe a little flatter in places." She was surprised he even knew about it. She was just fifteen and had never been out of Texas before.
She glanced at him once more. That wasn't long after he left, how did he know about it?
"That's true. I guess if you wanted to see something different you should go to the west or up north."
"I never thought much about traveling before, but now I see I've missed a lot."
"Do you still like horses as much as you used to?"
"Oh yeah, when I lost Buttercup, I swore I'd never get another one, but maybe someday I will. I love to ride." She told him. "I was almost as good as you when I was a kid."
"That's true. I remember that." He smiled at her. "We raced each other all the time."
"I guess I seem kind of dull compared to the people here though." She said in a whisper.
"Dull? No, that isn't a word I use around you."
She laughed aloud, then held her hand over her mouth. "I pushed you in the water that day because I knew those bees that were after us, and they wouldn't sting you in the water."
"So that's why you pushed me, I didn't even hear them."
"You were too busy fishing," She chuckled.
"Yes, and I lost my pole when you pushed me in."
"How's your brother Sid?" she asked out of the blue.
"Haven't seen him in three years. He married and moved to the north country. He writes every now and then. He hated it here after Mom and Dad died."
"I remember that. It was hard on him he was only twelve." Anna reflected. "I liked Sid, but he thought I was too crazy to be around. And way too young for you to be around. He mentioned it to me all the time. Said it didn't look right. I asked him what he meant but he never answered. He kept telling me I should leave you alone."
"I never knew he spoke to you like that," heis frown seemed to linger a moment. "Sid was way too serious. He married a half breed woman you know."
"Really, I never thought he'd do something s
o bold." She smiled.
"Yeah, me either. He moved up there with her people too."
"Wow, he must have changed a lot."
"He never wanted to work the ranch?" She asked.
"No, I bought him out. He was more than happy to leave, too. We didn't get along so well."
"Well, maybe he's happy up there then."
"I guess."
"You ever get lonesome?" she asked staring at him over her cup.
"Don't usually have the time."
When they finished, he took her to some shops to find some more clothes. He told her to buy a nice dress to wear to a dance, and a riding outfit and a couple of everyday dresses.
"That might cost a bit," she suggested. "Did you rob a bank or something."
The lady clerk stared at them now.
"Don't worry, I have enough to pay for them,"
"I don't feel right about it," she whispered.
He leaned, kissed her on the lips quickly then smiled. "I'm your husband, indulge me a little will ya? I want my wife dressed nicely."
She found a skirt and blouse, a riding outfit and then they went to another shop and she found the most beautiful blue silk dress. "That's the one." He stared at the dress, then glanced at her.
"No, did you see the price?"
"I can afford it, Anna Lee, now get it."
She sent him a strange glance, and he paid for the dress.
She felt bad about him paying for the dress, but rather than make a scene she was quiet.
He had her wear the riding outfit, and they rented some horses and rode out of town. "Where are we going?"
"A place I found, it's lovely, I wanted you to see it."
She was puzzled but kept quiet.
When they got there though she lost her breath at the site. It was a running creek, with a bridge and it was full of ducks and geese, and there was a small waterfall up the hill that made it so beautiful it took her breath away. She listened to the running water, and the sounds of the birds that enjoyed the water so much. It was like music.
"My God, how did you find this place?" she asked staring out over the water.
"I stumbled onto it. I like the countryside here. I kind of fell for this place."
"It's like a little paradise." She sighed.
