by Lucy Monroe
Drake stood and cupped the back of his wife’s neck. "You should know, my love."
His sister’s cheeks turned a delicate shade of pink. Jared had never seen Thea blush before. She was bloody self-possessed for a woman.
"Pierson is right. I was terrified of marriage and him in particular," she admitted.
"You were afraid of Drake?" Irisa asked, sounding every bit as fascinated as Jared felt.
Thea nodded. "I had promised Mama not to marry a man like Langley."
"But Drake is nothing like Papa," Irisa exclaimed.
"I know that now, but I feared his strength. Gentlemen have a lot of power in marriage and a woman has so little. Because of Langley’s cruel jealousy, Mama was forced to flee with me to the West Indies and she died before she got to see Jared again. I was afraid of putting myself under the same type of authority."
"You were afraid to marry because of our father’s base actions?" Jared asked, trying to put everything straight in his mind.
"Yes."
How much more would Calantha fear marriage after being wed to a monster like the duke? "You really think the Angel is more afraid of marriage than she is of me?"
Thea shook her head. "No. I think she’s terrified of you because she’s tempted. She looked devastated when Irisa started talking about you finding a wife. Now that I’m not so mad and thinking more clearly, it’s obvious to me that she’s more than enthralled. I think she loves you."
Jared discounted the last as romantic fantasy on his sister’s part, but he considered the rest of what she’d said. If Calantha really did fear marriage, then perhaps she did not fear him. How had she put it in the meadow when they were talking? She had learned to fear a man’s strength and his anger. She had judged him by his emotion, not his character.
Bloody hell. Even he could see that implied she thought his character was sound, not something to be feared.
He assumed her husband had taught her the other fear. Would it be any surprise that he had taught her to fear marriage as well? Thea was right. Women had very little power in marriage and even less protection when married to a monster.
"Isn’t it all the same thing?" he asked. "If she doesn’t trust me enough not to hurt her, then it’s fear of me she’s facing, not just marriage."
Thea reached out and touched him. "Perhaps it is a little. Maybe she’s afraid to trust you."
Jared looked at his sisters and considered what both his brothers by marriage had gone through to woo them. It sounded like Drake had had every bit of a bad time of it as Ashton. Yet, they hadn’t given up and he wouldn’t either. He had more to lose. He wanted Calantha, but he loved Hannah like his own daughter and his honor wouldn’t allow him to keep her if Calantha insisted on raising her.
He had to keep his promise to Mary.
***
"Your grace, Lord Ravenswood requests the pleasure of your company in the drawing room."
Calantha didn’t look up from sweet basil she was repotting. Evenings were usually reserved for study, but she could not face the empty parlor or her books. Not after Jared’s announcement that afternoon.
She didn’t think twice before saying, "Please tell the viscount that I am not at home."
She could not see him. She would have to apologize for her bad-mannered behavior, but not now. She didn’t have the strength to face him now.
Tears burned her eyes, but she blinked them away. She’d been a watering pot for the last hour or more and she couldn’t stand it. She had to shore up her defenses, bring back the wall of ice that protected her from the pain now shredding her heart.
Thomas did not reply, but she could sense that he had not left either. "Your grace?"
"Yes, Thomas?"
"Are you certain you wish me to send the viscount away?"
No, her heart screamed. Yes, her mind demanded.
"I am quite certain," she replied.
"But, your grace..."
Calantha finally looked up from her efforts and beheld her perfectly correct butler dithering. His eyes were filled with concern and he clearly did not want to tell Jared she was not at home. He had been there when she tore from the house, demanding her mount after news of Hannah’s disappearance reached her.
Thomas had also been there when she returned, her eyes awash with tears he had never seen her shed.
"Please, Thomas. I am not up to company this evening."
"But your grace, perhaps the viscount..." he let his voice trail off, obviously not certain how to proceed and maintain his dignity as a butler of the household. Proper servants did not meddle in the affairs of their employers.
"Thank you for your concern, but I must insist that you send the viscount on his way."
Thomas finally nodded and turned to go.
She almost called him back, but she bit down on the impulse with ruthless effort.
She turned back to the sweet basil, trying to focus on its aromatic scent and the cool dirt beneath her fingers. She did not want to think of Jared or the prospect of him marrying. She knew what had prompted him this afternoon. Pity. He knew she’d come to love Hannah and in his typical heroic fashion, he’d offered her the chance to raise the little girl. She couldn’t take it. Her fear of marriage was too great.
Besides, Jared deserved a wife worthy of him, a wife who did not have her black past. He would find one too. He wanted a mother for Hannah and he had a duty to his line to produce heirs. Heirs. Another woman bearing his child, his children. Calantha’s hands clenched and before she’d realized what she’d done, she had crushed several healthy leaves on the basil plant.
"Much more treatment like that and your plant’s a goner."
She whirled around to face him. "Jared."
"Were you expecting someone else?"
"No, but I told Thomas that I was not at home." Why she had expected Jared to tamely accept the socially acceptable dismissal, she could not fathom. He did what he wanted and right now, he clearly wanted to see her.
"Yes. I know, but puttering in your conservatory hardly constitutes being away from home."
She frowned at him. He knew what the phrase meant. "I am not up to company this evening, Jared."
Particularly not his.
"Not even if it’s the man you’re going to marry?"
"I’m not going to marry you," she blurted out with no more finesse than she had used earlier.
"On the contrary, Cali, you are going to be my wife and the mother of my children."
He could have no idea how appealing both roles were to her, but not appealing enough to compensate for her fear.
"Don’t call me Cali," she said, because it was a simpler problem to address than his insistence that they would marry.
"Hannah does."
"Hannah is a child."
"And I’m a man."
"Yes." An incredible man. Even now, as upset as she was, she longed to throw herself against him, to experience the wonder of his lips once again.
He came closer and she could see the brown depths of his eyes. Their warmth seared her. "You want to be Hannah’s mother."
"Yes." There was no use denying it, besides she’d promised never to lie to him.
"Then the only problem remaining is that of you being my wife."
"Yes."
"Am I really so horrible a prospect that you can’t stand the thought of being married to me, Cali?"
He’d been steadily coming closer and now stood less than a foot away. His body’s heat reached out to wrap around her, touching her feminine desire and heart all at once.
"No." The word came out a whisper, but he heard it.
"Then why won’t you marry me?"
She tried to rally her defenses, but his nearness overwhelmed her. Finally, in desperation, she said, "You think I’m a marble statue."
He shook his head and reached out to grab both her arms. He wore no gloves and she felt the warm strength of his fingers against the bare skin of her upper arms. She almost stopped breathing at the plea
sure of it. Such a simple touch and yet for her, who had been touched more by Jared in the preceding days than everyone in her life combined for the preceding six years, the sensation was almost unbearable.
"You’re wrong."
His words filtered through the sensual haze beginning to surround her. "Please, don’t lie to me. I know. I heard your sister talking about it with her husband. You told her you didn’t want to marry a marble statue."
"I don’t. I want to marry you."
She stood completely still in his grasp and knew she had to tell him everything. If she didn’t, he would not give up this unthinkable idea of marriage.
"Clairborne called me a marble statue. He said I was empty and useless, that my beauty was all I had to redeem me, but it wasn’t enough."
Jared’s eyes narrowed in anger. "The man was a fool."
She shook her head. "He was cruel, but he was right. I am empty. I’m not heroic like you Jared. I let cowardice prompt me to push Mary away. When she needed me, she did not come to me because she’d learned the truth, too. I failed her."
"She loved Hannah with all her heart."
Calantha did not doubt the truth of that statement. "Yes."
"She wanted you to raise her daughter. She wanted me to promise to bring Hannah to you. Does that sound like a woman who thought you were empty or worthless?"
A small spark of warmth unfurled deep inside of her. "I thought she wanted you to tell me about Hannah."
"That’s all I would promise to do, but she wanted me to bring Hannah to you. She believed you were worthy to raise her daughter."
Calantha felt a heady sense of pleasure at the knowledge, but it could not make up for the rest. "I’m glad, but she didn’t know everything. If she had, she would not have made such a generous gesture toward me."
She pulled away from Jared’s grip and he let her go. She turned and fingered a small yellow rosebud. She did not want to see Jared’s expression change to one of disgust as he learned her secret. "My cowardice caused the death of a young maid."
Taking a deep, fortifying breath, she went on. "It was winter, almost Christmas. Clairborne had insisted on throwing a lavish house party even though my parents had been dead for less than a year. We’d invited several important members of the ton and of course family. We had an upstairs maid, a sweet girl named Amy. One night we threw a ball and Amy was up very late helping ladies prepare for bed after the ball. She was summoned early the next morning by an elderly marchioness, a dragon of a woman. I’m not certain exactly what happened, but the end result was that Amy tore one of the marchioness’s silk petticoats."
She wrapped her arms around her waist, trying to hold back the cold. "It was hardly important. A woman of that position has dozens of such things, but the marchioness was angry and she told me. I apologized and offered to replace the garment. The dragon wasn’t happy, but I thought that was the end of it. I was wrong. She told Deveril what had happened and he instructed the housekeeper to dismiss the maid. He turned her out in the freezing cold. He wouldn’t even allow her a ride to the village."
Lost in the horrifying memories, she didn’t hear Jared’s approach, but suddenly his hands were there on her shoulders.
He pressed his thumbs against her neck. "Shh, it’s over."
"But it’s not. Not in my mind. I can still see her pale cheeks. It was awful. I was afraid to argue with Deveril in front of the servants. I knew he would become furious if I did and I feared my own punishment. I was such a coward. I did not approach him until later, but he would not listen. God forgive me, but I waited until my duties as hostess gave me an opportunity and then I took the carriage out. We found Amy a mile from the house, nearly frozen. I tried to save her, but I couldn’t. I nursed her through the night, but she died."
The cold came, but Jared’s hands on her shoulders stopped it from drowning her. "It wasn’t your fault, Cali."
"I didn’t even have as much power as the housekeeper in my own home, Jared. I let my fear of Deveril stop me from going after Amy in time to do any good. I killed her with my cowardice."
Jared spun her around to face him and he shook her. "You aren’t responsible. You tried to protect the maid, but that damn marchioness and your devil of a husband wouldn’t let you."
He didn’t understand. "I should have gone after her sooner."
"And then what? Faced your husband’s wrath and had him put her out again?"
She hadn’t considered that. "I could have hidden her."
"Were your other servants as afraid of him as you were?"
"Yes."
"Then, they would have told. Face it, Cali, you did what you could."
"It wasn’t enough."
"Sometimes it’s not. You have to accept that. I tried to save Mary, but she just got more and more sick."
"But it wasn’t your fault she was sick in the first place."
He shrugged. "I still felt responsible."
He would. "You’re so strong, Jared. Can’t you understand? I’d make you a terrible wife. I’m too weak."
"If you don’t marry me, I lose Hannah."
"No." He couldn’t let the little girl go. She was just like his own daughter. It would be too cruel.
"I have no choice. It’s what Mary wanted."
"But she was wrong."
"No, she wasn’t, Cali. You’ll make a fine mother."
Calantha could not stand the look of vulnerability on Jared’s face. She would not take his child away from him. "I won’t do it. I refuse."
"You can’t. You’re as bound by your honor as I am by mine."
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right, but he spoke the truth. She would not deny Mary’s last request any more than Jared would. Was there no way out of this tangle?
"I can’t marry again, Jared. The risk is too great."
"You think I would treat you like he did?"
"No. I don’t believe it, but I’m afraid," she admitted.
"Then he wins again. He’s made you afraid of marriage and I lose Hannah because of it."
"No," she whispered, but she knew Jared spoke the truth.
If she refused to marry him, he would insist on following through on Mary’s last wishes and leave Hannah with Calantha. And Hannah would lose the only father she’d ever known - a man superior in every way to the one who had sired her. Calantha would not let her cowardice result in another grave sin. She could not. No matter what her personal risk, she wasn’t going to live under the shadow of fear and continue to hurt those she cared about. Not Hannah. Not Jared.
"I’ll marry you, if you’re sure you want me."
"Oh, I want you all right, Cali."
He was talking about the marriage bed. She’d have to tell him the truth about that too and when she did, would he change his mind?
"Deveril said I didn’t know how to be a duchess and he was right. I learned though. He made sure of it, but I don’t know how to be a woman. He couldn’t teach me that, Jared. I’m not sure anyone can."
She admitted her greatest fear, that she had lost her humanity married to a monster, but Jared only smiled. "You’re all the woman I need."
If only she could believe that, but Clairborne had made sure she knew how very lacking she truly was. "I’m not responsive, Jared. Deveril said I was frigid."
"You were so bloody responsive when I kissed you in the garden that I almost stripped you naked and took you right there. I want you, Cali and I can make you want me."
She didn’t doubt it. She wanted him right now, but it was the doing that frightened her. "What if I can’t satisfy you?"
"It’s my job to make sure you do and I will, baby, I will."
She shivered and he felt it since his hands still held her by the arms.
He smiled, his eyes glinting with a wicked gleam. "Come here, mon enfant ange."
Then she was flat against his chest, his mouth soft and hard against hers at the same time. It felt so good. So overwhelming. Did he have any idea the power he wielded with his li
ps? She wanted to stay that way for the rest of her life, with her mouth being hotly devoured by his.
She moaned as her legs lost their ability to hold her up and she sagged against him.
He released her arms to clasp her waist and lifted her until her slipper shod feet dangled several inches above the floor. He moved his hand to a most intimate hold on her bottom, molding her body against his in a scandalous fashion.
She should protest. They were not married. Not yet, but it was so delicious, this feeling of her softness pressed against the muscular ridges of his flesh.
She buried her hands in his hair, thrilled that she had left her gloves off to plant the basil. She could feel the silky texture of his hair and the warmth of his head. She let her hungry fingers explore the feel of him. His head was big, like the rest of him, his forehead hard. She brushed his eyebrows over and over, loving the contrast of his hair against smooth skin. Then she moved to his cheeks. He stilled, pulling his mouth away as her hand contacted the jagged lines on one side of his face. She delicately followed each line evidencing the old wound and his bravery on his sister’s behalf.
"You’re beautiful," she couldn’t help whispering.
His eyes closed and he swallowed.
Unable to stop herself, she leaned her head forward and traced the paths of raised flesh first with her lips and then when he did not rebuke her, with the very tip of her tongue.
He shuddered and she gently kissed his jaw just below the scars. "You are so good, Jared. Every time I see these marks, I want to touch you to see if you are real, if a man like you truly exists."
"I’m real all right." He shifted their positions and rubbed the juncture of her thighs intimately against his hardened ridge.
She gasped. "Please, do that again."
He groaned and did as she asked, this time thrusting his hips against her while slamming his mouth onto hers with so much power she felt bruised and elated at the same time. He wanted her. He truly wanted her.
When he pressed against the seam of her lips with his tongue, she opened them without thought. Oh, yes. It felt so good. She sucked on his tongue, like he’d taught her and he swayed. He lowered them to the conservatory floor without breaking the connection of their mouths, lying on his back, her body on top of his.
