“I killed her,” I cried, feeling my insides twist into a million knots.
Panic flitted across Grandmama’s face.
A sob tore from my chest.
“I killed her. ”
Hysteria took hold.
My eyes met Heidi’s when she stepped forward and signed, “Killed who?”
Knowing full well I was likely about to lose my family, but unable to keep the guilt at bay any longer, I closed my eyes and let the acidic truth roll off my tongue. “Mama,” I said, tears clogging my throat. “I killed her.”
The ability to breathe vanished.
I clawed at my throat as I tried—and failed—to suck in a single breath.
Vision tunneling, I leaned back against Kyle.
My legs shook; my heart pounded faster.
Beads of sweat broke out along my skin.
I started to fall.
My last thought before everything went black? It’s all my fault…
* * *
Kyle held me in his arms.
Sitting in the center of Grandmama’s couch, he cradled me like one would a baby, rocking me back and forth. A panicked Daddy and tearful Heidi stood at the end of the sofa, their eyes locked on me. I couldn’t see where Grandmama was, but I could hear her pacing.
And Dottie—
Oh God… she’d witnessed it all.
My eyes slid closed as tear after tear slipped down my cheeks, laying my shame out for everyone in that room to see. “I’m sorry, Daddy,” I whispered. “I—”
“Carissa Ann,” he started. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on in that head of yours, but you didn’t do nothin’ to your Mama. Cancer stole her from us. Not you, baby.”
“You don’t understand…”
Kyle, who hadn’t said a word before that point, growled, “Don’t you dare.”
My eyes opened. “What?”
“All this time,” he said, shaking his head. “All this time you were so busy fixing everyone else that you couldn’t fix yourself.” Dropping his head forward, he pressed his forehead to mine. “That ends now, Beautiful Girl.”
“Kyle—”
“Don’t you Kyle me, Princess. I don’t give a shit if your daddy is standing five feet away, I will turn you over my goddamn knee.”
I remained silent.
“It’ll hurt,” he continued, “but you have to confess every fucked-up feeling inhabiting that pretty little head of yours.” I shook my head, but he removed the arm that was tucked beneath my legs and grasped my chin, stopping all movement. “And once you’ve done that, you will let it go. Every bit of anger, sadness guilt… you have to let it go, baby.”
It wasn’t that easy.
“Then we’re going to work through this. Me and you. Together.”
His words were filled with such raw determination that it made me feel hopeful.
Can I get past this?
“You ready?”
I hesitated for a moment before nodding. “I’m ready.”
A smile tipped his lips up at one corner. “Good fucking girl.”
I fought to keep it together as Kyle helped me sit up and slide down onto the cushion next to him. Draping an arm over my shoulders, he kept a tight hold on me while still giving me room to breathe.
Wanting to hide and needing to protect myself from the stares boring into me, I grabbed a throw pillow from the end of the couch and held it against my belly and chest, using it as a shield against the venom and hatred I was convinced were about to spewed on me.
I took a breath.
Then, I started to talk. “It was the night before Mama’s terminal diagnosis.” A lump formed in my throat, but I pushed myself to keep speaking. “The day that proceeded that night had been bad. Real bad. Mama was so sick from her latest round of chemo she’d been unable to get out of bed. She was wearing a diaper because she couldn’t make it to the bathroom on time. I’d been changing it all day because she was to ashamed to let Daddy do it and the home health nurse we had was too rough with her.”
Just like it did all those years ago, my heart began to hurt as it filled with agonizing sorrow.
“I didn’t mind doing it, not one bit, but Mama hated it and would cry through the whole thing. Being stripped of her dignity was the worst part of her diagnosis.” The ache in my chest intensified, slowing branching out into my belly. “That was the night she told me she wished Daddy would take her out back and shoot her like one would a dying dog.” My chin wobbled, but I kept fighting, kept demanding my body and mind both hold it together.
Just a little longer…
“After I got her cleaned up for the final time and put a clean nightgown on her, I tucked her into bed. The nurse had gone outside to smoke so I was helping Mama take the medicine she’d counted out for her.” My eyes met Daddy’s. “You know it took her a while to swallow all the pills since they were so big, and her throat stayed dry.”
Daddy nodded, remembering all too well, I’m sure.
“When I was giving them to her, she begged me—”
Grief grabbed ahold of my heart, squeezing tight.
Focusing on my breathing, I inhaled, dragging much-needed air into my lungs.
Then, determined to keep going, I continued. “When I was giving her the pills, she begged me to get the pain pills out of the bathroom.” And here comes the real pain… “In her moment of weakness, which I don’t blame her for, she was more than prepared to swallow the whole bottle. That night she wanted to end it all, but I wouldn’t let her.”
It was the only smart decision I’d made.
“After I got her tucked in, I kissed her on the head and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me back, but she also told me how tired she was. Heart-tired, soul-tired, bone-tired—she’d been all three.”
Despite fighting to hang on for us, she’d been ready to go.
“When she fell asleep I walked down the hall. The first thing I heard was Heidi vomiting in the bathroom. Like Mama, she was sick, though in a different way. Being eaten up by stress, she was losing weight, her skin was paler than normal, and she was barely passing any of her classes at school.”
I should’ve taken better care of her…
“After helping her get cleaned up and into bed, I went downstairs to get a glass of water and overheard Daddy on the phone,” I told everyone. “He was asking his boss for a small loan because after he’d finished paying for Mama’s medicine, he had no money. I heard him tell his boss he’d maxed out all the credit cards, was upside down on the mortgage, and that he didn’t have enough money to feed Heidi and me for the week.”
Daddy’s eyes slid closed in shame.
Heartbreak slid across his face.
I hated it.
“Hearing that was the final straw,” I said. “I headed back upstairs without getting any water, walked into my bedroom, and dropped to my knees next to the bed. Then I prayed.”
Something I wish I hadn’t done.
“I begged God to make it all end. I prayed for him to give Mama relief, I prayed for him to heal Heidi, I prayed for him to guide Daddy to a financial solution, and I prayed for him to hold me together while I was busy trying to keep everyone and everything else from falling apart.”
Shame followed by self-loathing bloomed in my chest.
“The next day we found out Mama had no options left and that she was going to die. Though not the way I intended, God had answered, giving me what I asked for.”
My entire body shook, as I looked Daddy in the eyes. “Don’t you see, Daddy? If I hadn’t been so weak, if I hadn’t been so selfish, if I hadn’t prayed for him to relieve her of the cancer eating away at her body, she may not have died. It was all my fault.”
Kyle’s fingers dug into my shoulder; his arm trembled against me.
“The guilt is eating me alive. From the moment I saw you and Heidi fall apart at her funeral, I knew I’d ruined everyone’s lives; all because I’d been selfish, and couldn’t handle the pain and stress anymore.�
��
Eyes still focused on his I tilted my head to the side, letting the tears that spilled from my eyes slide down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” I looked at Heidi. “I swear I am, Bug. Please don’t hate me. If I could take back—”
Before I could finish, Heidi moved.
Rushing toward me, she clamped her hands down on my tear-sodden cheeks and forced me to look up at her. Unchecked fury bled into her pupils and for a moment I feared she’d slap me.
She didn’t.
Instead, she whispered the words that I needed to hear as badly as I needed my next breath. “There is nothing you could do to make me hate you,” she said, using her voice. “Not a single thing.” Her eyes bored into mine, demanding that I listen to each word she spoke. “It is not your fault, and I won’t listen to you say it is a second longer. The only thing at fault for Mama’s death is cancer.” Her face twisted as she mentioned the C word that we avoided talking about like it was the plague. “Not you. Never you.”
“You’re not angry at me?”
She shook her head. “Carissa, you changed Mama’s diapers, you fed her, you bathed her, and you did everything I couldn’t. It was because of you that Mama was able to stay at home as long as she did before spending her last four months in and out of the hospital. And it was because of you that she fell asleep clean and in a warm bed every night. Not me, not Daddy, you.”
“Heidi, I would have done that for anyone. I—”
“I know you would have,” she interrupted. “And that’s what makes you the most beautiful person I’ve ever met; inside and out.” Dipping her face, she pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Now ask, Daddy. Ask him if he hates you, so I can sit back and watch him throw a dying duck fit.”
Beside me, Kyle chuckled.
The sound snaked through me, warming my insides.
I leaned closer to him, hoping he’d hold me tighter.
He did.
“Hate her?” Daddy asked, having overheard Heidi. “You’ve gotta be shittin’ me!” he hollered, gearing up for what would be the hissy fit to end all hissy fits I’m sure. “I ain’t never hated one of my girls and I ain’t about to start now.”
His deep Georgia accent grew thicker with each word he spoke.
“Carissa Ann, you listen right now or else I’m gettin’ a hickory switch.”
“I’ll let you borrow my flyswatter,” Grandmama added, her voice lined with tears.
Daddy ignored her and kept hollering. “Heidi move over so I can see your sister’s face. I need to make sure the words I’m speakin’ are settlin’ into that thick skull of hers.”
Isn’t that exactly what I said about Kyle?
Heidi moved, giving me a clear view of my father. “You”—he pointed at me with a shaky finger—“if I ever hear you blame yourself for your Mama’s death again, me and you will have a problem.”
“Daddy—”
“No,” he snapped, his tone demanding obedience. “I’m not done, and you will sit there and listen to every word I have to say without interruptin’ me.”
I remained silent.
“It doesn’t matter if you prayed to God askin’ or not, what happened to your Mama was not in your hands, baby.”
Pausing, he dropped his head back and took a deep breath. When he righted his head and met my eyes again, my back stiffened. Though I didn’t know what he was about to say, I knew his words would change everything.
I was right.
“A week before your Mama’s terminal diagnosis, she’d already planned to stop fighting.”
Wait. What?
“Like you said, baby, she was tired. After years of surgeries—some unsuccessful, some not—and multiple rounds of radiation and chemo, she was done, Carissa Ann… and I mean done.”
That didn’t make a lick of sense.
“Then why did she hold on?” I asked, extracting myself from Kyle’s hold and standing. “After she’d been admitted to the hospital for the final time, why did she keep holding on if dying was a choice she’d already made?”
I’d had to ensure Mama that I would take care of what remained of our family once she was gone before she let go. If she was planning on letting go anyway, why would she fight to stay?
I didn’t understand.
“The answer is guilt, Carissa,” Grandmama added, speaking to me for the first time since my episode in the kitchen. “It’s why she hung on so long to begin with. My opinion, she should’ve let go and found peace a lot earlier, instead of suffering so long.”
“She should’ve,” Daddy added, tears streaming down his cheeks.
I looked from Daddy to Heidi. “You really don’t hate me?”
Both shook their heads.
“No,” Heidi replied, speaking. “Though I’d like to shove my foot up your behind for thinking I would.”
“Listen here, hussy,” Grandmama said, placing her fisted hands on her hips. “If anybody is shoving a foot up somebodies caboose, it’ll be me.”
“Course it will,” Kyle added.
“You feel better now, Princess?”
I did.
I felt lighter too, less weighed down.
“I do.”
“Good, baby, because me and you have a lot of work to do. Starting now.”
He pressed a kiss to my cloth-covered shoulder, and I sinked against him, nearly melting in his arms.
“Well,” Grandmama said, “after that, I need a slice of Dottie’s fresh-baked apple pie and a shot of Shine or two.”
“I hope you plan on sharing the Shine,” Daddy said. “I sure as shit need it after that.”
Heidi chuckled. “I’ll just take a second slice of pie. My butt has to maintain its size somehow.”
She’s starting to sound like Clara…
Grandmama moved toward the kitchen, her sandal-covered feet taping against the floor as she went. “Come on, y’all.”
Daddy and Heidi followed her.
Kyle and I followed them.
When we stepped out into the hall, Dottie was waiting for us.
Without saying a word, she closed the space between her and I, and wrapped her arms around me. She rocked me from side to side, calming my frazzled nerves and warming my soul.
Blowing out a breath, she closed her eyes and rested her cheek against mine.
Then, she said the one thing I needed to hear.
“You and my son are going to make each other so happy.”
More tears fell from my eyes as I smiled and admitted a truth I felt bone deep.
That truth? That’s for dang sure.
Thirty-Seven
Carissa
Four Weeks Later
It was getting close to midnight.
After a twelve-hour shift at the shelter, and then spending three more hours helping Heidi clean two condos over in Garrison county, I was bone-tired. Being dead on my feet didn’t stop me from stopping by the fire station on my way back to Kyle’s apartment though.
Well, I guess it was our apartment now.
I hadn’t left Kyle’s bed since the first night I slept in it.
Daddy wasn’t too happy about it, but he didn’t kick up much of a fuss either. Knowing he was fighting a losing battle, he kept his huffing and puffing to a minimum; most of the time anyway. He still liked to toss a handful of threats Kyle’s way occasionally, and Lord knows a day didn’t pass in which he didn’t call or text me asking if he needed to dig a hole yet.
The man was almost as nutty as Grandmama.
And that was saying something.
As for Heidi, she’d moved in with Anthony and Shelby so she wouldn’t be home alone with Daddy was gone. Despite her telling me it wasn’t the case, I still felt bad for abandoning her. Seeing how close she and Ashley had become tickled me pink though, and it lessened the sting of our separation.
Both girls had lived hard lives.
They deserved nothing less than pure bliss; something they found within one another.
Speaking of people finding bliss
within one another—Kyle and Dottie had become quite the pair. Both were seeing a therapist twice a week, and both had grown by leaps and bounds. Though each of them still had a long ways to go, things were looking up.
Dottie came out of her shell more and more each day and Kyle had punched no one—or anything—since he started therapy so that was definite progress. Then again, Carson was no longer around to piss him off on a regular basis either.
Shortly after their altercation, Carson had been relieved of his duties. Permanently. Kyle may have thrown the first punch—which he was disciplined for—but Carson was still on probation and deemed not a good fit for the station by Pop.
Which, according to Hendrix, meant no one liked him.
He was shady, he said. Untrustworthy.
I couldn’t have agreed more.
One other major change with Kyle was that he smiled more now, something I loved with every fiber of my being. He even joked around with Hendrix and Ty on a somewhat regular basis.
The first time Hendrix saw Kyle toss his head back and laugh at something Grandmama said, I thought he would faint. He and Ty both were seeing their mutual best friend in a new light, and from what I could tell, they both liked the new Kyle a whole lot better than the old one.
As for me, I loved both.
Yeah, Kyle had his dark moments, as I suspected he always would, but I loved that about him. Being in love with someone meant you loved every piece of them, even the ugly, tattered parts. You didn’t get to pick which parts you wanted to care about and which you didn’t.
It was a package deal.
Yawning, I flicked on my turn signal and made a right into the station’s parking lot. After driving around back and parking near Kyle’s truck—which had been fixed—I shifted into park and climbed out.
Not bothering with locking the door behind me, I hoofed it across the dark parking lot, my feet working double-time. Every single time I crossed the lot, I always felt like someone was staring at me.
The feeling was worse at night.
It was so stupid, but because dense trees surrounded the station, I got creeped out anytime I was outside alone. Heidi had once joked that gorillas lived in the woods and though I knew she was full of crap, it traumatized me. Now all I could think about was being chased by a harem of silverbacks intent on ripping me to pieces.
Every Time We Touch: A Redeeming Love Novel (Book 5) Page 29
