by K. A. Last
“You could’ve said thank you,” Mum says.
“No,” Karen says.
“Nope,” Daniel agrees. “He deserves everything he gets.”
“What’s going on?” Mum folds her arms. “Dad told me you and Levi are fighting. Is it so bad between you two that you’ve lost your manners?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say.
Mum purses her lips. “Well, just don’t forget who you are.”
“Okay ...” Karen says. “I think it’s time for birthday activities, part B.”
“There’s a part B?” I stare at her.
“You, me, hot chocolate.” Karen grabs my wrist. “Come on.”
She plucks my birthday presents from my hands and gives them to Mum, then shoves my tote bag at me and pulls me out the door.
“Have fun,” Mum calls after us.
Levi is still outside, and I concentrate on getting to the car so I’m not tempted to look at him. I don’t care what Mum said about me being rude. When I reach the car parked at the kerb I yank the door open and climb in, slamming it closed once I’m in the seat.
“Easy,” Karen says from the driver’s seat. “The car never did anything to you.”
“Just ... drive,” I say.
We pull onto the road and head towards the highway. Karen chatters non-stop on the way to the shops. I stare out the window and try not to think about how everything has become so messed up.
“Are you excited?” Karen asks.
I roll my head across the headrest and stare at her. “About what?”
Karen grips the steering wheel. “Oh my God, Katie. Schoolies!”
I smile. “Oh, that. Yeah. We’ll have a blast.”
“Are you kidding? It’s going to rock.”
“Are Jess and Stacey coming?”
Karen grins. “Of course. They have a room booked at our hotel, too.”
We pull into the car park. Karen stops at the boom gate to take her ticket, then we circle the car park looking for a space. We eventually find one. My phone buzzes in my bag as I get out of the car. I glance at the screen but don’t recognise the number, so I ignore it.
Karen and I walk through the busy shops and outside to the mall, passing the clock fountain on our way to the chocolate café. I remember stopping there with Levi and making a wish that we’d become something special. Seems like that’s not going to come true.
At the café I order my usual white hot chocolate, and Karen gets a dark. We sit in the back corner and sip our drinks.
“So ... how does it feel to join the eighteen club?” Karen asks.
I raise my eyebrows. “I don’t feel any different.”
“Come on.” She sets her hot chocolate down. “You’re practically a free agent now. We can go anywhere and do anything we like.”
“Not quite.” I laugh and take a sip of my drink. It warms my insides.
Karen smiles. “What do you want to do after this?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m not in the greatest mood, sorry. I’ve been a bit of a bitch, haven’t I?”
“I still love you.” Karen squeezes my hand. “But seriously, you’re eighteen today. We could hit the RSL.”
“In the middle of the day?” I sit back in my chair.
“Don’t you want your first alcoholic drink as an adult?”
“I don’t want any drink, other than this delicious hot chocolate.” I take another sip from my mug. “And I can have a drink at schoolies.”
“Now we’re talking,” Karen says.
“But I’m not getting drunk. I might be eighteen today, but I’m not stupid.”
“It’s your birthday?” someone asks.
I look up, and Veronica is standing a few metres away from our table.
“Oh ... hey.” What is she doing here? I force a smile. “Yeah. I’m officially an adult.”
“Katie hates her birthday,” Karen says. “It’s the only day of the year when she’s truly unhappy.”
Veronica laughs, but it seems forced. “Can I sit?”
I take my tote off the seat beside me. “Um ... sure. How did you know we’d be here?”
Karen stares at Veronica. I adjust my position on my chair, because the way they’re looking at each other is making me uncomfortable.
Veronica slides into the seat. “Levi gave me your numbers. I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer. Then I called your house. Your mum said you were here.”
I’m not sure what to make of any of this. I open my mouth, but then I close it again. Levi gave her my number?
Karen leans on the table. “What’s making you slum it today?”
Veronica leans forward to match Karen’s pose. “I wanted to make sure Katie was okay.”
“If this is another one of your stupid games, you can leave now.”
“It’s not.” Veronica clenches her teeth.
“I’m fine,” I say. “To be honest, I’m more worried about you. Have you reported him yet?”
Veronica rolls her eyes. “Katie, I’m okay. He didn’t do anything.”
“But you told him to stop, and he didn’t.”
Karen wrinkles her nose. “Geoff is a dick.”
“You haven’t told anyone, have you?” Veronica looks down at the table.
Karen sighs. “We said we wouldn’t.”
I let out a breath, glad that the bitchy tone has left my best friend’s voice.
Veronica looks from me to Karen then back again. “For the record, I think Levi and his mates are all dicks, too.”
I press my lips together. “But you’re a part of this whole dare thing.”
“Yes, but after ... maybe it was a bit too mean ...”
Karen raises her eyebrows. “Are you trying to apologise?”
Veronica scowls. “You should hear Levi out,” she says, ignoring Karen.
“What did he say to you?” I ask.
Veronica shrugs. “Just that you won’t let him explain.”
“That idiot asked her to the formal on a dare,” Karen says. “Katie doesn’t need an explanation.”
Veronica gets to her feet and adjusts the strap of her purse. “There’s more to the story.”
“There always is,” I mumble.
“Did he send you here to do his dirty work?” Karen stands, too.
“He loves you, Katie.” Veronica looks down at me, and there’s something in her eyes that makes me believe what she’s saying.
Or maybe I just want to believe it.
“He has a funny way of showing it.” I look away, and stare into my mug of hot chocolate.
Veronica shrugs again. “Suit yourself. See you at exams.”
I stare at her back as she walks out of the café. Karen sits again and sips her drink.
“You don’t believe her, do you?” she asks.
I take a deep breath. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
And I don’t, because I’ve been burnt too often.
I’m not sure if I should give him a second chance.
With You
HSC EXAMS STARTED IN the second week of term, and for the past four weeks I’ve been alternating between studying and taking exams. I’m confident I did well on most of them. Pretty much the only time I’ve left the house has been to go to school, and I’ve lain low enough to stay away from Levi. We only have a few subjects together anyway, so our time tables haven’t crossed paths much.
I finish reading over my essay then stare at the clock on the hall wall, thinking about schoolies coming up in a couple of weeks. Jessica and Stacey are flying up, but because Karen and I are driving, we’ll be leaving a day earlier and spending a night in Coffs Harbour along the way.
“Pens down,” the exam supervisor says. “Please close your exam booklets and leave them on your desks. The row on my right may leave first, followed by the next, and so on.”
Papers rustle, and students stand to put pens and pencil cases back in their bags. I wait until it’s my row’s turn, and then
I file out of the hall and into the afternoon sunshine.
Jessica is waiting for me. “I have to run. Josie sent me a message. She’s picking me up.”
“No probs,” I say. “I can train it.”
She smiles and runs off towards the main entrance to the school. I make my way from the hall towards the back gate to catch the train home. Art was my last exam. Relief washes over me, and I turn my face to the sky to feel the sun’s warmth.
No more exams. No more school. I can finally relax for a while.
“How do you think you went?” Veronica asks, falling into step beside me.
I shrug. “However I went.”
“Have you spoken to Levi yet?”
I stop and face her. “No. What’s he said now?”
“I’m getting a lift home with him. Why don’t you come ask him yourself?”
I tilt my head to the side and stare at Veronica. I still can’t work her out. Since the formal she’s been really nice, and the last time someone was nice to me unexpectedly it turned out to be a dare. Veronica acting like this makes me uncomfortable. I’m not used to it. It’s like wearing a really scratchy sweater.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to him.”
“Katie, it’s been ages.” Veronica sounds like a whiny child. “If I have to listen to him anymore, I think I’ll kill him.”
“I’m okay to catch the train,” I say.
“Come on.” She shakes her head and grabs my arm, pulling me away from the direction of the train station and across the street.
Levi’s BMW is parked up the road. Veronica shoves me at the front passenger side then gets into the back seat.
Great.
I pull the door open and get in, looking anywhere but at Levi.
“Katie,” he says.
I turn to him. “Don’t ...”
He takes a deep breath and starts the car, pulling away from the kerb. I wind my window down a bit and let the air blow on my face.
Levi didn’t have an exam today because none of his subjects were scheduled, and I wonder what the hell he’s doing here. Surely Veronica didn’t ask him to pick her up. But then I think that’s exactly the sort of thing Veronica would do.
“You didn’t have an exam today,” I say.
“Ronnie wanted a lift.”
“And you’re her personal chauffeur?”
Veronica snickers from the back seat. “Now you don’t have to study, what’re you doing tonight, Katie?”
“Sleeping,” I say.
“You should come celebrate with us.”
I turn in my seat so I can look into the back at her. “Let me guess: you’re having a party.”
“You should come.” She smirks.
“Yeah, because the last time I did that it went so well.”
“If it helps, I’ll promise not to talk to you.” Levi stares straight ahead.
What he should be promising is not to take any dares involving me, or not to play the stupid game in the first place.
“I think schoolies will be a good enough party for me,” I say.
Levi doesn’t respond. He just drives, gripping the steering wheel with one hand and resting the other on the gear stick.
“I’m not taking no for an answer,” Veronica says.
I pretend I’m thinking about it. Then I actually think about it. Maybe a party would be fun. Maybe getting out of the house I’ve been cooped up in would be good for me.
Who am I kidding? Going to Veronica’s is the worst idea ever. I’ll be opening myself up for more torture and ridicule.
“If I come, can I bring Karen?” I ask, and then I regret it because there’s no way I’m going to this party.
“Yes,” Veronica and Levi say at the same time.
“You promised not to talk to me.” I glare at Levi.
His lips curl a little, as if he’s about to smile, then he stops and presses them together.
I want to look away from him, but I can’t. It’s been so long since I’ve had the opportunity to look at Levi, and I miss him. I miss his smile, and his voice, and having him climb in my window.
I miss being around him.
But I haven’t only missed him for the past couple of months. I’ve been missing him for years.
A lump rises in my throat, and I finally turn away, staring out the side window and watching the houses go past as we turn into Veronica’s street. Levi pulls over.
“I’ll see you two tonight,” Veronica says, getting out of the car.
We sit and watch her go inside before Levi pulls back onto the street again.
I can’t look at him.
I can’t let my emotions take over.
Suddenly, I feel trapped inside the car. Unable to get away from him so I don’t have to face what I’m feeling. I’m stuck with nowhere to go.
My breaths come short and fast, and I squeeze my eyes closed to try and get some kind of control.
“Katie, are you okay?” Levi asks.
Am I okay?
I want to scream, no! But instead, I laugh. The sound is bitter. Then it starts to hurt, and a sob rises into my chest, forcing its way out of my mouth with so much force I feel like my ribs will crack. With that sob comes a cry, and my laughter turns to tears.
I put my face in my hands and cry. Really cry.
“Katie—?”
“No, Levi!” I yell. “I am not okay.”
My chest rises and falls as I heave breaths in and out of my mouth. I want out of the car, but we’re travelling at one hundred and ten kilometres an hour on the motorway. There’s nowhere to pull over. And where would I run to anyway? I grip the door handle. We’ll be home soon.
Levi moves across to the left lane and takes the next exit. It’s not our exit. It’s too early. At the top of the ramp he turns left then right into the first side street, and pulls over, killing the engine and tugging the handbrake on.
I want out.
I need to get out of the car.
My fingers grapple with the handle, and I cry harder because I can’t get it to work. Then the door opens and I spill onto the grass. I stumble to my feet and run, but I don’t get far before I trip and collapse on the ground—a blubbery, snotty mess. I draw my knees to my chest and put my head on them, sucking in deep breaths.
Levi sits beside me. He doesn’t say anything. He just sits there. I concentrate on slowing my breathing, because what else can I do? I can’t get up and walk home, and it’s obvious Levi isn’t going anywhere.
“Katie,” he finally says.
I squeeze my eyes closed. “What?”
“Let’s get you home.”
I nod, and he helps me to my feet. I should be embarrassed at having a complete breakdown in front of the one person I’ve loved my entire life. The person who caused the breakdown to begin with. But I’m not embarrassed. I’ve known Levi for so long, and I’m glad he’s had the chance to finally see what his actions have done to me.
He reaches out and puts his arms around me. Instead of fighting him, I fall into his embrace and press my face into his neck. It brings back the memory of how we were dancing before our first real kiss. That memory makes my heart smile when smiling is the last thing I feel like doing.
“I want to explain everything to you,” Levi says.
I pull away. “I’m not sure an explanation will make any difference.”
Levi rubs my back in circles, and for a moment I let him, then I step away. I’m not going to allow him to do this now. Not while I’m weak and emotional, and not thinking straight. I take another step back, and he drops his hand to his side.
“Let’s go home.” He walks to the car and I follow.
We don’t speak for the rest of the drive. I turn the radio on to drown out my thoughts, but it’s not that effective. I wish I could go home and not have Levi there, right next door, in my face all the time. Maybe if we had some distance everything would work out in its own time. Right now, I feel smothered, with nowhere to run.
Levi
pulls into his driveway, and I get out of the car as soon as he kills the engine. I shoulder my bag, and cross over to my yard.
“Will I see you tonight?” Levi asks.
I turn and face him. “Maybe.”
He nods and I go inside. No one is home yet. I’m grateful, because I can go straight to my room and get rid of any of the breakdown episode evidence. I dump my stuff and go to the bathroom, washing my face and taking my contacts out.
I stare at my reflection and push my glasses onto my nose. There was a time when they were a big part of me. Now, they’re only a side thought. Nothing important. Like I was a side thought to Levi. Not important enough for him to consider my feelings instead of his reputation.
Another tear slips down my cheek and I swipe at it, turning away from the mirror.
I’m not going to this party.
All I want to do is curl up in bed with my headphones in and write in my journal.
Back in my room my phone rings. I fumble around in the bottom of my tote bag, pulling it out. Karen’s name flashes on the screen and I swipe it to answer.
“Hey.” I flop onto my bed.
“How’d you go?”
“Fine. It was fine. Can we not talk about exams ever again?”
Karen laughs. “Done. Did you talk to Jess?”
“She had to go meet her mum after, so not really. Why?”
Karen pauses and I listen to her breathing.
“There’s a party tonight,” she finally says.
I roll onto my side and put my phone between my ear and my pillow, then grab my bunny and play with its ears.
“I know.”
“At Veronica’s,” Karen says.
“Yep.”
“We should go.”
I sigh. “You should go. I should stay home.”
“Come on, Katie. Jess is going. We’ll have safety in numbers. Everything is different now. School is over. Exams are finished. We need to celebrate. And those bitches don’t rule us anymore. This is our chance to show them that nothing from the past matters from today onwards.” Karen goes quiet again.
I take my glasses off, close my eyes, and hug my bunny to my chest. Nothing from the past matters? Everything from my past matters. It’s shaped me to be the person I am, and my past is what has put me in the position I’m in. “If it weren’t for my past, I wouldn’t be—”
