by P. D. Clover
Once I was out the gates and back on the road, I pointed my impromptu semi-truck at the I-40 onramp. I kept in the left lane so I could easily make the onramp to merge onto the interstate. I knew I was still about twentyish minutes out from Sam’s club. My plan had been to hit both Sam’s and Costco, but looking at the time that had already past and considering the amount of time it would take to get to Sam’s Club (which was the further of the two stores), I decided to head straight to Sam’s Club. This would also keep me in closer range to Dee as she ran her errands at Duluth Trading Company and the 5.11 store.
Once I merged onto I-40, I noticed an exceptionally light amount of traffic, for which I was thankful! The 29-foot camper trailer turned my already large vehicle into a comical sight. As I cruised toward my destination, I decided to try and reach everyone once again. So, I hit the voice command button on the steering wheel started trying to call my group members who still hadn’t responded.
Nearly 30 minutes later, I still had not reached anyone else. By now, I remembered that while pulling the camper, I go much slower. I had forgot about that in my rush. Good news, however, was that I was finally exiting I-40 and just two traffic lights away from Sam’s Club. I had just over an hour before they closed. Hooking up the camper took more time than I realized. Still, I had an hour and available credit, so it was time to do some damage.
As I pulled into the giant parking lot the Sam’s Club shared with an adjacent Walmart, I was thankful the parking lot was mostly empty. However, I still didn’t want to draw too much attention by parking out front, so pulled the rig around back of the store and parked by the loading docks. Before I killed the engine and running lights, I looked in all my mirrors and camper rearview. Lo and behold, my arrival seemed to have roused the curiosity of an older homeless guy. Perhaps he was just one of the many walking dead (more commonly known as drug addicts) that seem to meander through the night in and around most cities. I immediately thought how these walking dead would act when the world began to break down. How long would it be before their lives were impacted directly? If I really thought about it, most homeless people were better equipped to adapt to what was coming than the average suburban family. I had to reign my thoughts back in, these were musings for another time. I have things to do, and I’m on the clock.
I reached into my go-bag and grabbed the cash we kept there. It was five thousand dollars in 100-dollar bills. We kept an envelope in each bag, even the kid’s bags. You just never knew when you may need a big wad of cash to make things go a little easier. After all, cash is king! It’s always good to have the king on your side. I pulled the cash out of the envelope, stripped off 3 bills and put it in my left pocket. I then folded up the rest into a wad I put it in my right pocket. I turned the engine off and killed the running lights, then stepped out into the night.
After I shut the door to my SUV, I hit the lock button on the key fob twice. Just like I hoped, the loud “BEEP” made the old homeless guy jump back and into my line of sight.
“HEY OLDTIMER” I shouted. The bum looked at me and we locked eyes. I could see the fear and apprehension written on his face, plain as day. I had spent years learning how to read and transmit body language. His face said, “Oh shit, this guy is gonna hurt me!”, which was good, because I made sure my stance and heavy breathing said, “I am indeed gonna hurt you.”
Before the bum could fast walk away, I said, “Come here old timer, I’m not gonna hurt you.”
“Oh yeah, well uh, how am I supposed to know that?” he responded with the vocabulary and cadence of someone who has spent a long hard life on the streets.
“I’m not gonna hurt you. I have job for you if you want it.” I said as I pulled out one of the hundred-dollar bills from my left pocket.
“Look sir, I ain’t gay or nuffin. I…”
I cut him off before he could finish. “Shit no, I’m not trying to fuck you old timer. What the hell is going on around here? Why is that the first thing you jump to?”
He did not respond, he just stared at the money.
“I want you to look after my vehicle, make sure no one messes with it. Do a good job and I will give you two more Benjamins when I get back…How does that sound?”
His eyes snapped to meet my own, searching my face and eyes to see if what I was saying was the truth or a lie. He looked around trying to spot an ambush or something out of place that would indicate danger. He had some finely tuned instincts for an old homeless addict.
“I just watch your truck and camper…and you give me 3 Benjamins?”
“Yep,” I answered plainly, letting go of my aggressive stance.
“Okay,” he said as he walked toward me with slight limp on his left side.
I handed him the first bill and said, “Make sure no one fucks with the rig, understood?” He nodded in understanding. “If it’s someone or something you can’t handle just shake the truck hard and the alarm will go off, then I’ll come out here and kill whoever it is. Do you understand that?”
He looked me in the eye and nodded.
“Do you believe me?” I asked, as I stared him right in the eye, I let the friendliness go and thought about the only time I had to fight for my life. The only time I had to end another’s existence with my bare hands. It was a dark night, in an alley with three would-be robbers/rapists…and my wife was screaming…
He flinched and looked away, “Yessa, Sir, I do.”
“Good. Thanks for watching the rig Ole’timer,” I said as I walked off.
I knew he would be good to his word, not out of fear of me, but in anticipation of more money. His greed would keep him on task, and his fear of me would keep him out of the rig. That was all I could ask for at the best of times.
I walked around to the front of the building showed my membership card, then strolled in and up to the first associate I saw. He just happened to be in the electronics department. As I walked toward the young man who appeared to be in his early twenties, I said, “Excuse me young man. I was wondering if you could help me. I was wondering if you would be willing to go get your store manager for me? I need to ask him a favor.” Before the kid could tell me to go sift sand, I pulled a hundred-dollar bill out of my left pocket and showed it to him. “I would be willing to pay a premium, that is, if you can make this happen fast… I’m on a bit of a time crunch.”
The kids face lit up as he reached for the cash.
I shook my head and said, “Manager first.”
The kid frowned, let out a sigh and went off like a blood hound on a bunny trail. While I waited, I looked around and from the electronics section I had a clear view of the cash registers and the small lines that formed behind them. I noticed something, a couple that were clearly together and nervous looking. The husband looked at his smart watch every 5 seconds. They were both pushing large flat hand carts, the kind used to load flats of drinks for business owners. Except these two had a mountain of food, batteries, and several propane tanks stacked so high, it seems that as little as a stray thought would knock over their crudely constructed towers of what to me was clearly long-term supplies.
If they were just now shopping, that must mean everyone found out at roughly the same time. I started to walk towards them. I was planning on getting some answers. But as I did the 20-something kid walked up with the store manager. I wanted to know more about those people. I wanted details. But for now, I needed to get what I could…while I could. That was the priority.
“Hello sir, Walt here said you needed to speak with me and that it was an emergency?” the manager asked. The managers name read “Chris” on his name tag.
I looked over at Walt and handed him a hundred-dollar bill. “Good job Walt.” Walt just smiled, nodded and went back to stocking the electronics section.
“Hi Chris!” I said cheerily as I shook his hand. Chris was now giving the evil eye to Walt. Chris must have been busy. Time to turn on the charm. And by charm, I mean the King – cash money. “Chris, I have a little situation, and y
ou are the man who can help me. I understand that you are busy and getting ready to close soon. I get that, I do. But I have some time sensitive shopping to do, and there is no way I can do it before you close. So, I will need some help…Now I see you want to interject; but please Chris, just let me finish. Then if you don’t like my proposal, no harm, no foul... we part as friends. What do you say?” As I said this, I pulled the wad of cash out of my right pocket. This got Chris’s attention. He looked from the cash, to me and back to the money.
Chris smiled wide, “I always have a time for a member, especially if there is a problem that I can help to alleviate…So what can I do for you this evening, Sir?”
“Awesome to hear Chris! Do you mind if we walk over to the tire center for a moment?”
“Not at all Sir.”
We strolled over to the counter, and as I spoke, I started laying down bills. My plan was to stop at fifteen bills.
“Chris, I have some serious shopping to do and I need help. In fact, I need about ten helpers. I need people to put items I need in shopping carts, and then I need them to load it into my trailer I have parked around back by the loading docks. I will be paying for everything; I have no intention of stealing. This is nothing illegal. I need labor, and I will pay every person who helps me a hundred dollars. Now since you’re the manager and you will obviously be the most inconvenienced since I need your work force…I was thinking I would pay you 500 dollars and I will leave the thousand with you as well…to hand out later. How does this plan sound to you?”
Chris’s mouth was open, and he was staring at the pile of cash I had counted out.
“You are paying for the items and you are paying cash for help to scan, move, and load the items? That’s it?” Chris said, never taking his eyes off the pile of money.
I nodded.
“Well then Sir, it would be my pleasure to help a member in a time of need, but I would ask that you keep how much the associates will be getting paid between us. I wouldn’t want them to slack off…you know how people can be.” He said with a large smile, still staring at the money.
I nodded “Yes I do… I will be in the back of the store by the toilet paper, please have them meet me back there… Oh, I almost forgot, please make sure you send someone with a scanner... I have no intentions of going through the normal check out. Thank you, Chris.” I handed him the money, walked to the back of the store, found the toilet paper, and waited for my crew.
Cash is king, all hail the king!
Chapter 7
After about five minutes, my little shopping team had arrived; nine young men and one young lady with a scanner. Chris was true to his word, ten employees ready to go… well, mostly ready to go. I could detect a slight air of “More bullshit, great”, floating around the crew. I decided to lead with my folkish charm, maybe it would win some hearts and minds. “Hi, my name is Henry. I appreciate y’all volunteering to give me a hand and to show my thanks, I am going to pay each of you a hundred dollars for helping me… cash.” I let that hang there a moment, helping to push away the disgruntled energy in the air. “Chris was nice enough to let me do this and I really appreciate his help, but I know he has a lot to do and so do we. I don’t want to take any more of your time than necessary. With any luck we will have this done in under an hour and you will have a couple of extra bucks in your pocket.”
Again, I let that hang in the air for a moment.
“Now, does that sound like a solid plan?” I asked.
“What about our closing work?” A twenty-ish young man with red hair asked.
Before Chris could speak, I answered, “Chris said he would take care of it.” I could see a puzzled look run across his face. So, before he could stop me, I made sure to toss his own greed in his face as it was pretty clear that these kids didn’t know anything about the extra money until I brought up the fact that I was willing to pay them.
“Just like I’m paying you, I already paid Chris. Money makes the world go round after all. So, what do y’all say we get started? Time, she is a wasting.” I walked away from Chris. The group of young people fell in behind me like I was their mother goose. Chris showed some real intelligence and didn’t say a word. I suppose there was no point in correcting me and risk having to keep to his word and pay the band of labors out of his own little pile of money. That is exactly what I was counting on. The managers absence gave me the implied authority I needed to give orders and move swiftly.
“Okay gang, I need to get this shipping door open. We will also need a tow motor and some empty pallets or large flat rolling hand carts of some kind. We will be scanning as we go, loading up pallets or hand carts and whoever is outside will be on loading and stacking everything in the camper. Everyone understand?” They all nodded like college freshmen on the first day of orientation.
“So, who here can drive a tow motor? I would but because I’m already paying for everything, I feel like my role in this is pretty clear and I don’t need to do anything extra.”
The redheaded, twenty-ish question-asker from earlier raised his hand.
“Awesome, you and another please go get a tow-motor and make sure you know where some empty pallets are in case we get ahead of the loading crew. I also need five guys to follow me.” They all just kind of looked at each other, so I stepped in to help.
“You five, follow me. Tow-motor crew, go find what you need. And you last three, just wait here. I will be back in a moment.”
As I walked away quickly, the five young men followed. Before I came to the roll-up shipping door, one of the young men jogged up ahead and hit the green up button on the wall next to the door. I took note of that, “What’s your name?” I asked the young go getter.
“Bruce” he responded simply.
“Okay Bruce, you’re in charge out here, this is what I need you to organize and do…pallets and carts will be coming out here soon, I need you and your coworkers here to take the items off the pallets and carts and stack them neatly in this camper. Do you understand?”
He replied dryly, “Take the stuff that comes out here and put it in there” he pointed at the camper.
I smiled broadly, “Good to know you’re a brain surgeon!”
Bruce grinned at that and said, “Actually I’m a wanna-be rocket surgeon.”
I asked him “Hahaha… Okay then, are you familiar with campers?”
Bruce answered, “Yeah, my folks have one.”
“So, you are familiar with loading and weight distribution?” I asked him. Bruce simply nodded.
“Good enough for me Bruce. Make sure it’s packed right and there is a bonus in it for you!”
Bruce grinned back and said, “No worries Boss!”
I instantly liked the kid. Before I walked back inside, I said, “Oh, there is an old hobo out here that should be watching my stuff, if he comes around asking about the rest of his money, tell him he is still on the clock and will get paid when the job is done.”
One of the guys asked, “You mean old Joe?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t bother to get his name.”
Bruce spoke up, “Joe is good people, if we see him, we will tell him.”
Another boy spoke up, “What if Diablo comes around?”
I asked. “What the fuck is a Diablo, other than the obvious answer?” As I said the last part, Bruce closed his mouth. I just knew he was about to answer with the Spanish definition, I just knew it.
Another kid answers, “He is a really aggressive homeless guy that comes around. He has beaten Ole Joe’s ass out here a couple of times.”
Suddenly, my exchange with Ole Joe made more sense, “If you see him, come get me. I will handle it. Everyone got that?”
They all nodded, and I unlocked the camper and pulled out the folding stairs. Walking back in, I passed by Bruce and said, “Remember light in the back, …”
He cut me off, “and heavy over the axels. No worries Boss Man. I got it!”
The kid was starting to grow on me. As I walked ba
ck to where I left my little crew, I took notice that there was no inventory or back stock room of any kind. I had always heard that and intellectually I knew it was true. That said, I had never been in the back of any kind of supermarket before, just in time delivery really does rule the day… Wow.
I walked back to where my rented crew was and saw the ginger standing next to the tow motor, “Hey Ginger, where’s your buddy Boots?”, I asked with an enormous grin on my face.
The ginger just stared at me and said, “Getting the Ostrich ready, allegedly.”
I laughed,” Hahaha, I bet you get that a lot… Could you and Boots go get a pallet of TP and take it outside to the packing guys?”
The ginger just stared at me for a moment and said, “A whole pallet of toilet paper? Seriously?”
“Yeah, you’re right. Better make it two pallets then. Please bring an empty pallet back so we can fill it up… Thanks man.” I said and then turned away to go to my scanner girl.
“Hey Blondie, I need you to go ahead and scan in two pallets of toilet paper to start.”
She looked at me blankly, then shrugged and entered it into her little scanner-gun thing.
“Okay, the tow motor crew will be occupied for a few minutes, so let’s grab a couple hand carts. You there, big fella, you push the carts, and you there, smaller fella… please load them with what I ask you to. Once the tow motor brings an empty pallet everyone will start loading that and we will ditch the hand carts. Everything clear?” I asked. They all just shrugged and nodded. “Okie-dokie! Let go shopping!”
We started at the back of the store by the drinks, I waked over to the Mexican Cokes, “20 cases please.”
Without hesitation the fellas grabbed and stacked the drinks and scanner girl, got to scanning. This was a head spinning experience…cases upon cases of canned goods of every variety, cases of jars of peaches, pallets of rice and beans, pasta, pasta sauce, spices, salt and pepper, ketchup, mustard, honey, and snacks for days! I had them grab everything I could think of. They loaded an entire display of batteries and 25 propane tanks for the gas grill. They loaded flashlights, small propane heaters, socks, blankets, pillows, toiletries, candy, nothing frozen or that needed refrigeration, pots and pans, kitchen knives along with a bunch of paper plates. The shopping spree lasted for 20 minutes past closing time.
