by M. C. Cerny
The smart-ass in me shrugged and ignored his direct stare. “I had a little trouble getting a ride back,” I grumbled.
That was definitely an understatement if a mob looking dude and his henchmen chasing me was trouble. My brother could be a gruff son of a bitch, but he loved as hard as he disciplined. It was an uncomfortable role between us, sprung from parents who abandoned us and a system intent on tearing us apart.
“I’ll say. Let’s get you cleaned up, kiddo.” Eddie kneeled and unapologetically peeled the sock off my foot, ripping skin with it.
I hissed with pain, but he kept going, knowing that to acknowledge it would only make it worse. I let my focus harden on the wall behind him, the peeling wallpaper that was yellowed with age and pollution. I imagined tearing it down as he peeled off the second sock. My foot didn’t look pretty, and even Eddie grimaced at the gore.
“Hey, guys, what’s up?” We panicked but relaxed as we recognized Fiona’s voice, and she shut the door behind her.
“Holy shit, Liz!” Fi dropped the bag of groceries she carried and squatted down, taking my injured foot into her cool, practiced hands.
“How bad is it?” Eddie leaned back on his haunches, holding a wad of gauze from our cheap first-aid kit. He looked ready to mummify my feet, but Fi took the gauze from his hand, managing the situation.
“I’m not gonna lie, this looks bad, guys. Deep and filled with junk. What did you do, Lizzie, lose a bet and run through a parking lot barefoot?”
“Not exactly, Fi.” I winced when she pinched the wound and felt fire licking up my leg. “Damn, that hurts.”
Tears leaked from my eyes.
“I think we need to take you to the hospital so they can properly clean it. This foot definitely needs stitches.”
“No!” Eddie and I both yelled, but for different reasons.
He didn’t want to alert the pain in the ass social worker, and I didn’t want to be removed. Eddie was shy of turning eighteen, and I was only fourteen. We lived alone without parents, which was against the rules. They could separate us, and the only thing we had going for us was a backed-up system that couldn’t handle every case. We were nearly aged out, or at least Eddie would be in a few months if we could hold on to that.
I didn’t want that creepy suit with deep eyes finding me. Nor did I want to explain attempting to steal a car to my brother and his girlfriend.
“Look, I’m just a first-year nursing student, and I’m afraid this is too deep and dirty for me to patch up without the right cleaning supplies, antibiotics, and a tetanus shot.”
Eddie and I exchanged a look that said we were in this together.
“But you can do it, right?” I pleaded with Fi, hoping she would do it and let the matter drop. She was super smart and one of the youngest in her nursing program. I trusted her with my life. “Fiona, I trust you. Please. I hate hospitals, especially after Mom’s overdose.”
I milked the sympathy card for all it was worth.
Eddie eyed me harshly but nodded. He knew as well as I did that the hospital would make our lives a living hell. Forget about the charity care or the bills; they’d make one call and tear our family apart.
No fucking way.
“I’ll get hot water, and we’ll wash it out really good.” He moved toward the sink and grabbed a pot. Twisting the stove knob, he started the boiling water because god only knew what was in city water.
Fiona didn’t look happy, scrunching her face like a lemon, but she loved my brother. I trusted her, and I would do anything to keep it that way.
“But the stitches?” She bit her lip and picked up items from the first-aid kit.
I’d rather she didn’t take a needle and thread to me, but I’d do it to get the smirking expression of that guy from the rooftop out of my head, even if she made me look like Frankenstein.
“B-butterfly b-bandages.” I choked on the words.
That weird place of pain and numbness from fear took over. I would do anything to avoid the hospital. Eddie reached into the cabinet and pulled them out, handing them to Fi. We might not have canned soup on the shelves, but we had more than enough bandages for my scrapes.
She paused, looking at Eddie and then me. “Okay, I’ll be gentle, but it’s gonna hurt.”
Gritting my teeth, I braced myself.
“I’m not afraid of the pain,” I said.
Our eyes met over Fi’s ducked head as she worked on my foot. We were all that we had besides Fi being a part of our little family. I knew he’d badger me later, but we focused on getting me cleaned up first. He was the best big brother when our parents were nothing but shit. Dad was out banging anything with legs. Mom was six feet under at St. Mary’s with nothing but a shrub of dried up roses to mark her grave. We were nothing but an inconvenience to them, and the pain of that knowledge had long ago numbed into naught but air in the passing breeze.
The next hour followed with sweat, tears, and grunts getting through the pain of cleaning out my foot. I considered asking Eddie to cut it off. He held me down in the rickety chair by my shoulders. I bit down on his leather belt that held numerous impressions from past incidents of injury and stupidity. My teeth found a familiar groove, and I hissed through the motions.
“You did this to yourself, so now you’re gonna have to take it,” Eddie grumbled, squeezing my shoulders. My foot felt like jelly mashed in a grinder. Chunky flesh manipulated beyond its worth.
“Almost done, Lizzie. Maybe you’ll tell me what stupid thing you did before people come looking for you.” Fi’s brow etched in concentration. She’d make a good doctor if she wasn’t so hell-bent on being a nurse.
Laughing was hard, but I managed between the slices of pain. “Nah, better to have you two guessing.”
“Lizzie, you really need to get a tetanus shot. You haven’t had the final booster.” I probably hadn’t had the first several boosters. It was a miracle we hadn’t died of something like measles, but she didn’t need to hear that right now.
I rolled my eyes, adding, “Alright, Nurse Fi, I’ll make sure to hobble down to the clinic on the corner tomorrow.”
Grimacing would be a permanent expression for me.
“What about pain killers? I can ask Jessie for some Roxies,” Fiona offered.
Given our mother’s addiction issues, I hesitated.
“You think your cousin has some?” Eddie squeezed my shoulder while Fi shrugged, leaving me out of the conversation completely. I was too tired to argue. Eddie would give me what I needed, force-feeding them down my throat.
“What doesn’t that hooker have?” Fiona spat while patting my knee, her eyes kind.
“Sweet, Fi, but I’ll pass.” A fearful part of me had a niggling feeling I would need my wits about me instead of stolen pain killers coursing through my body. If Fi’s cousin found out, I’d owe Jessie big time. It was the code of the street, and I had ninety-nine problems already.
“Sure?” Eddie whispered in my ear.
Yawning, I leaned back against my brother. He was my rock, and I deflated from the shame. “I’m so fucking tired, I barely feel it,” I said.
I lied, tired of fighting. Tired of surviving.
“You should be. Anything else I need to clean out besides your mouth?” Fi smiled, cleaning up the mess my foot left on the cracked floor and the supplies we used.
“No, I’ll give you guys a break.” These were the few and far between moments that made life bearable. I couldn’t be one of those kids who planned into the future because so much of it was unknown, but this, this made it worth it. Eddie was calm for a change, and Fi was mothering us both.
Dysfunctional, but it was family.
Our family.
“Great,” she mused, taking the trash out and leaving Eddie with me.
“Seriously, Lizzie, I don’t want us to get separated because you do something so stupid I can’t get you out of it.” He lifted my left arm over his shoulder and helped me hop to my bedroom where he set me on the edge of my bed.
“Can you manage the rest, kiddo?” Eddie leaned against my doorframe. His arms crossed, he looked as drained as I felt.
“I’m good. Go hang with Fi, and tell her I’m sorry. Maybe take her to the bodega on the corner and get some ice cream. I’ve got money in my jar.”
I nodded to a cracked pink ceramic castle on my shelf as fear rippled through me in a not so subtle flutter. So much for the happily ever after… I worried about monsters coming in the night.
Sighing, my brother took the castle and shook the loose change inside. “This is probably my change from the couch cushions,” he said, a wry expression on his face. He chuckled and dumped out enough for two ice cream treats and put the rest back.
“Dad’s actually, but who’s counting?” Neither of us had laid eyes on that asshole in months, and I hoped it stayed that way. I had a roll of hundreds jammed into the wall behind him from the last car I hot-wired. My dirty little secret. Emergency money. Almost enough to get us out of here.
Both of us made non-committal grunts, and Eddie paused, looking at the coins in his palm. The quiet stretched between us with the constant battle to survive. Street noise, police sirens, and the train tooting interrupted the emptiness. Huffing, he nodded from a heritage neither of us could escape. Dark Irish parentage mixed with a wild Brazilian mother made us stand out like exotic sore thumbs, all dark hair and electric blue eyes. To her last breath our mother cursed us, and here we were about to face another test.
“Try to rest, Lizzie, and stay out of trouble.”
I pointed at my foot, smiling. “Will do.”
Eddie flipped the switch, and I leaned back on my bed. Sleep didn’t come, but the nightmares that guy promised plagued me. My stomach knotted with worry. I wondered if I should leave, saving Eddie and Fi from whatever it was that I knew loomed in my not too distant future. It sure as hell wasn’t clairvoyance, but a certainty this guy was going to find me. There was a helplessness knowing my life ticked away one minute at a time.
I drifted in and out listening for Eddie and Fi to return, hoping they’d watch a movie, something funny to drown out my dark thoughts. I would feel safer knowing they were back behind our flimsy, but locked door. My own sleep remained elusive. My foot felt hot to the touch as the rest of my body flushed with fever. Whatever covers I had on, I kicked off in a tangle, slick from sweat. The glow of the television pulsated into my room with bluish light. Eddie and Fi argued in the living room, soft hisses and snarls going back and forth.
“Eddie, I think we should’ve taken her to the hospital,” Fiona said. Worry laced her tone, and my stomach turned with acid.
“She didn’t want to go, and I had to agree with her,” Eddie replied.
“Her foot could get infected. It will get infected at this point. Did she tell you what happened?” Fiona asked.
“Fi, you know as well as I do that Lizzie runs with a bunch of punks, and I’m trying to get us out of here. I’ve got a few weeks until I turn eighteen and can file as her legal guardian. We can go anywhere after that,” Eddie said.
“What happened when your mom died last year?” Fi could be relentless when she wanted to be.
I imagined his easy shrug in the darkness.
“I lied about Dad being in the picture. What was I supposed to do?” Eddie said.
A thump and then Fi spoke, “How did you make rent?”
The quiet pregnant pause filled the apartment followed by another thump. Fi probably punched him in the arm.
“We’ve got the housing voucher, and I borrowed money I’m working off. The guys at the shipyard know my dad and gave me some odd jobs.” Eddie sounded agitated through the thin walls. I didn’t want to be this burden to anyone.
“How did you convince the social worker to leave it alone?” Fiona’s tone grew accusatory. I winced knowing this was going nowhere good when she hissed, “You fucked her, didn’t you?”
“Damn it. Fi, we talked about this,” he growled.
In my addled brain, I wondered how he got the nosey social worker to go away. Some pesky agency intern working on her graduate degree at a nearby university. My brother and I shared a pretty face. The girls went gaga over his good looks and lean muscles those odd dockyard jobs honed, since puberty hit him hard and fast.
“You cheated,” her broken voice whispered sadly.
“Baby, I apologized a million times. I’m not perfect. I did what I had to do. We weren’t even together then. It was a tit for tat kind of thing,” Eddie pleaded.
Fiona snorted, “We still call that prostitution in or out of the lower ward.”
“Drop it!” Eddie exploded, but I couldn’t blame Fi who sniffled disappointed tears. He didn’t technically cheat, but still–I owed it to my brother to do better and be better.
I vowed right then I would do anything he asked of me. I’d stay away from those kids who hot-wired cars for fun and pickpocketed for the thrill of it. I’d give up the mind-numbing alcohol and pot I stole from friends. Never again would I break another law, making him worry if we would be torn apart when he was working so hard to keep us together.
My faith was nonexistent, but I prayed to God that I’d be good if he just got us through this. I’d go to church. I’d make communion. I’d fucking confess to things I hadn’t done if it meant the pain in my leg subsided, and I’d never lose what little family I had left.
Please, please, please, God, don’t take Eddie from me.
I chanted in my head, not realizing how loud I must have been sitting on the floor of my room as I rocked back and forth.
“Lizzie?” In my haze, I saw both of them crouched low on the floor next to me.
Fi grabbed my hand and put her cold one on my face. It felt so good until she started speaking. “Eddie, she’s hot to the touch.” Hands prodded me everywhere, and I tried to push them away.
“Jesus Christ,” he said.
“Arrg. I’m fine. I prayed; we’re all good. I swear it. Mary wouldn’t let me down.” Fever licked my bones and coated my body in sweat that did nothing to cool the crazy my mind kept turning.
Glaring light flipped on, blinding me.
“She’s delirious.” Fi gasped out loud and pulled my ripped jeans off, taking a scab of skin with it. I hadn’t changed my clothes, and the wound had bonded to cotton denim.
“Her leg, Eddie, it’s infected. Look at that red streak going up her leg. It’s an infection.” Infection was a word that usually meant death in the ward. A cool hand caressed my face, and I turned to the motherly touch I craved. “She’s burning up with fever.”
Squinting, I gritted my teeth against the movement of them pulling at my clothes and turning my leg over. “No. I’m okay. I promise. I’ll never do it again.”
“Shit, Liz, we gotta take you,” Fiona said.
“Noooo … no hospital, no ambulance,” I argued. “He’ll find me.” I clutched Eddie’s shirt as I tried to get him to see reason, to understand why I couldn’t go to a hospital. He would hurt me, that man with the crazy smile and creepy eyes. Visions of his face laughing maniacally, his head thrown back and breathing fire.
“Fi, call your mom and see if we can borrow her car. I don’t want an ambulance if she’s this upset,” Eddie said from behind my back.
“Okay,” Fiona agreed, her cool hands leaving my face.
Eddie tapped my cheek to get my attention. “Honey, Fi is calling her mom. It’s gonna be okay. I’m not going to lose you.”
He meant how we lost Mom to drugs and Dad to the pain of this shitty life. We weren’t enough for him. We weren’t enough for either of them.
I passed in and out as Eddie put me in the car, and Fi drove like a maniac through the neighborhood to Newark Beth Israel Hospital. There was never traffic here this time of night, except for the one moment you needed to get somewhere.
My brother carried me, shouting for a doctor. He was the closest thing I had to a knight; too bad we couldn’t afford him some shiny armor for the coming battle. Fi left the car
at the curb, doors open, riding our asses inside.
“Here, lay her down.” The bed beneath me hurt my back. The pillow softly cradled me, muffling the noise around me as it sucked my head down and covered my ears.
“She cut her foot. We cleaned it out as best we could,” Eddie explained to the white coat hovering over me.
“Alright, son, we’ll take it from here. You’ll need to wait out in the waiting room,” the doctor said.
“No!” I cried pathetic tears, forcing myself to sit up despite the fire licking up my leg.
“She’s my sister. I can’t leave her,” Eddie pleaded. Tears spilled from my cheeks through the pain. He always protected me.
“Come on. We won’t go anywhere but the waiting room.” Fi ushered Eddie out and left me with my torturers. The doctor didn’t ask me any questions as they cut the bandages off and cleaned out the wounds. I kept my eyes closed and prayed for oblivion of some kind. I needed to save my strength to get out of here when they were done. I had to find Eddie and Fi, before he found me.
“Sliced the bottom pretty bad, young lady,” the doctor stated.
“It’s okay. Just stitch it up. I don’t need your stupid forty-dollar pain killer.” I didn’t think I could clench my fists any tighter. Nails bit into the skin of my hand as the doctor manipulated my foot, looking it over and pressing out fluid and infection.
“I’m having the orthopedic surgeon on call come down because this is not looking good. Cut yourself right into a patch of muscle. So I’m going to give you that stupid forty-dollar pain killer and antibiotics, while we wait for him to examine this hot mess.” His clinical assessment did nothing to make me feel better.
I shook my head, attempting to get up. I needed to get out of here; anything that knocked me out left me vulnerable. I didn’t want to risk that. The doctor seemed nervous as he glanced over his shoulder to someone in the hallway I couldn’t see. I knew I was screwed before I wiggled myself off the table.
“Keep her still,” a voice said to the orderlies who flanked the doctor.
“No!” They held me down, and the sharp sting of the needle pierced through the pain until blissful numbness filled my body in drowning quicksand. The darkness felt good for a change, and I was helpless to stop any of it.
