“Yeah, of course, they’re people who cook eggs.”
“No, not poached eggs, I’m talking about the poachers of animals. They take animals from the wild, illegally.”
“Like the way you take fingerprints illegally?”
Uncle Ernie pointed at me. “Ah, that one was definitely sarcasm. Anyway, on one expedition, I was on the hunt for a tiger poacher. He had been trapping and stealing tigers for years. No one had ever caught him. But I did. Do you know how I did it?”
“With your fingerprinting phone?”
“No, come on, think. If someone is catching tigers, how do you protect the tigers? What do you do with the tigers?”
“I don’t know. You hide them? You take them away?”
Uncle Ernie wagged his finger at me. “No, you do the opposite. You add tigers. You put more tigers in the forest. You tempt the guy into the forest more often. His greed will always be his downfall. And that’s what we did. We took some tigers from the Royal Zoo and released them into a confined space in the forest, watching them the whole time. Eventually, the hunter got too greedy. He tried to steal one of our tigers and we caught him.”
I was still mad at Uncle Ernie, but he always told interesting stories. “How did you catch him? Did you shoot him? Did you use your taekwondo? Or your super fast hand-to-hand combat?”
“Of course not. I’m a handyman,” Uncle Ernie said, winking at me. “But that’s what you have to do with this Agatha.”
My eyes lit up. Finally, Uncle Ernie was making sense.
“Yes, that’s a great idea,” I said. “But where would I get a tiger?”
“What?”
“I’ll set a tiger on her, right? With his sharp claws, he would tear her head off and—”
“No, no, no,” Uncle Ernie interrupted. “You could lure her into a trap by appealing to her greed. Leave money and purses around the school. Follow her every move. Greed always catches a thief in the end.”
I wasn’t really sure if that was a good idea. As much as Agatha was awful, it didn’t feel right setting a trap. That would make me as sneaky as she was. I wasn’t a sneaky person. I certainly couldn’t be a sneaky princess.
But then, a light blub exploded in my head. Maybe I could turn Uncle Ernie’s trap inside out. I mean, think about that tiger thief. He was caught because there were too many tigers. But what would have happened if all the tigers had suddenly disappeared?
I knew my idea wouldn’t make much sense to Uncle Ernie, so I didn’t bother telling him. But I knew what I had to do to catch Awful Agatha once and for all. I didn’t need to throw money all over the school. I just needed the help of someone who was kind, someone who was caring and someone who was a bit of a weedy coward.
I needed my friend Charles.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Charles loves a crisis. He worries all the time. He frowns so much that he looks like someone has drawn lines on his forehead. He would be rubbish in a real emergency, but he was perfect for my plan. I couldn’t actually tell him my plan because he would panic and mess it up. I had to make my plan sound like it was his plan and convince him that his secret celebrity friend was in danger.
“This thief is a real pain,” I muttered to him in the school canteen.
I had already given Charles my leftover macaroni and cheese, which he was gulping down. So he was in a good mood.
“I know. My mother has told me to hide my lunch money in my sock. Look!”
Charles reached down and pulled out some coins from his sweaty sock. He waved them in my face.
“Ah, put them away. They smell like a bad fart,” I said, pinching my nose.
“Yeah, I know. I need some new shoes. But we haven’t got much money at home at the moment,” he said softly.
He kept staring at his shoes. They were falling apart.
“Anyway, the Cannibal thinks it’s me.”
“She knows it’s not really you. Everybody knows it was Agatha playing a trick.”
“Whatever. But the suspicion is no good for me, all this attention.”
“Because you’re a secret YouTube star!”
“Maybe.”
Charles’ eyes sparkled. He still couldn’t believe that an international YouTube superstar wanted to hang out with him. The way he grinned at me made me feel bad. I convinced myself that this particular white lie wasn’t my fault. He had come up with the whole YouTube thing. I just hadn’t corrected him. But I still felt guilty. Part of me wanted to tell him the truth. Yet the rest of me knew that if my real secret ever came out I’d have to leave the school and the town.
And I’d have to leave Charles.
He was soppy, too small for a boy and liked detective maths puzzles far too much, but I sort of enjoyed hanging out with him. I didn’t like the idea of leaving him. I’ve already left enough people behind.
“So what can we do?” he asked.
“I don’t know. But I’m not sure that the school is doing enough to catch the thief,” I said.
“What else can they do?”
“I don’t know, if there were more checks maybe, or if the teachers could somehow watch us more in the playground, watch our belongings for us. But that’s tough. I mean, they don’t have X-ray vision, right?”
“They could do bag checks!” Charles exclaimed.
“Wow, that’s an awesome idea. Why didn’t I think of that?”
He was so easy.
“But who’s going to do them? Students can’t do them,” I said. “They could plant things on each other. Look what happened to me. Students can’t do it.”
We watched the teachers on lunchtime duty, patrolling the playground.
“Yeah, students definitely can’t do it,” I said again.
Charles was being even more dim than usual.
“The teachers could search the bags,” he said finally. “Every lunchtime, that’s when the thief does all the stealing, right?”
“That’s what Miss Cannington said,” I pointed out. “It would be really good for me if this stealing stopped once and for all because of my … secret.”
I winked at Charles. His face turned into a blob of ketchup. He shoved a final spoonful of macaroni and cheese into his mouth.
“I know what to do, Sabrina. Leave this to me.”
“You’ve got cheese sauce on your chin.”
“Oh, right, thanks.”
Charles wiped away the yellow gloop on his face. “My plan is epic,” he declared. “I don’t know how I come up with these great ideas.”
He took off like a rocket, flying towards the headmistress’ office. And the plan really was epic, too. Charles convinced Miss Cannington that the school was in serious trouble. Like an overexcited dwarf, he must have jumped up and down in her office. He begged her to introduce bag checks before and after lunchtimes and play times. He pleaded with Miss Shufflebottom to monitor the students closely at the canteen tables. He told the canteen cooks to watch the other kids in the queue. He even asked the class prefects to spread his mother’s advice. By the next day, everyone was stuffing their cash into their socks. The money stank at lunchtime, especially if there was outdoor P.E. in the morning. The coins weren’t so bad, but the notes were soggy and smelled like unwashed armpits.
But the stealing stopped. Just like that.
Charles had never looked happier. After a couple days, he started walking around the playground with a clipboard. He had written a checklist and asked random students loads of questions.
Have you had your bag checked today?
Have you hidden your lunch money?
Is the money in your sock?
Have you finished your mac and cheese?
He asked the last one just to eat any leftovers. He had a huge appetite for a little runt. But the younger kids in school answered all his questions and ticked his boxes. Some of the older boys told him to mind his own business when he asked about their socks though. In fact, Liam, who was a year older and really good at football, threatened to pun
ch Charles in the nose if he went anywhere near Liam’s socks.
Apart from that, Charles loved his security project. Whenever he passed me in the playground, he’d wave his clipboard in the air. Sometimes, he tapped his nose, too, which was a little embarrassing. But I was glad he was enjoying himself. It kept him busy while I concentrated on phase two of my project. I was looking for anyone who was acting differently. I was looking for the thief.
Uncle Ernie had added more tigers to find his thief. But I had removed all the tigers to find mine. All right, I had taken away all the purses and wallets. But it was the same idea, right? With nothing to steal, the thief would have to behave in a different way now.
But nothing changed, not at first. Everyone still did the usual, boring stuff. We listened to Miss Shufflebottom talk about history and geography and maths in class. We went to the field for P.E. and watched Charles fall over a lot. And we went to the canteen and bought lunch. Our daily routines continued. Everything and everyone was normal.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe Uncle Ernie was right.
Maybe the only way to catch a thief is to set a trap with money everywhere.
And then, something did change. Something small at first.
Awful Agatha started to wander off at lunchtime. I took no notice in the beginning. She always wandered off. She wandered out of class whenever she couldn’t understand the work, which was almost every day. She wandered out of P.E. whenever she’d forgotten to bring a clean kit, which was almost every day. And she wandered off whenever it was time for a shower after P.E, shouting that we were all disgusting and she’d shower when she got home.
But she had never wandered off at lunchtime.
She usually took over one of the canteen tables with her rotten pack of laughing hyenas. They loved lunchtimes. They were like wild animals let out of their classroom cages. They were free to abuse smaller boys and girls and throw food at them.
So I didn’t pay much attention at first. It was just Agatha being Agatha. But then she kept vanishing at weird times. She was there in class right up until the bell rang, being her usual, nasty self. And then she’d be in the playground, messing up games and kicking the other kids’ balls away. But she’d slip away in the canteen and pop up again in class after the bell. And in the afternoons, she’d be even angrier, arguing with everyone, even Miss Shufflebottom.
So after a few days, I went looking for her. I checked the playground, the field, the classrooms and even the girls’ toilets. But she really had vanished.
I was about to give up when I heard a strange, whimpering sound, like a kitten calling for its mother.
The sound was coming from the teacher’s private toilets. I tiptoed inside and there she was: Awful Agatha was sitting in the corner, all crouched up and clutching her knees.
She looked like she was … no. She couldn’t be, could she? Girls like Awful Agatha didn’t do that, did they?
She wiped her eyes quickly so I wasn’t sure. But I was sure of one thing. Agatha hadn’t been stealing because she was awful.
She had been stealing because she was starving.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
I had pictured this moment millions of times. I could be sitting in class, in the canteen or even on the toilet and I always ended up with the same image stuck in my brain. It was the greatest image of all time. It was just me and her and no one else. We were alone in a room. The door was closed. No one could disturb us. No one could see us. No one could see what I was going to do to her. It would be the easiest fight of my life. Princess Sabrina, the taekwondo expert with awesome roundhouse kicks, versus the girl who slides in pigswill. It was no contest, was it?
But I didn’t care.
In my imagination, I squashed her head like a chocolate cupcake. I had so many taekwondo moves. The roundhouse kick was my speciality. But my eagle strike could catch her in the mouth when she least expected it. That’d stop her saying cruel things about me.
But it didn’t really matter what punch or kick I used, my daydreaming always had the same ending. Awful Agatha was a heap on the floor, a girly-whirly, weepy mess. And I looked down and laughed at the blubbing bully.
But I couldn’t do it now.
I just couldn’t.
It wasn’t even the secret princess thing or the thought of being caught by the old Cannibal. It was Agatha’s face. She didn’t look so awful. In fact, she didn’t really look like Agatha at all. She looked fragile, like one of those dolls that babies play with.
“What do you want? Get lost,” she said.
She also swore at me. It was Awful Agatha language. But her swearing didn’t make her sound awful this time. She sounded a bit pathetic.
“No, I’m not going to get lost,” I said, really slowly, because I was still nervous.
“Then you’re even more stupid than you look.”
“Yeah, I probably am.”
“Yeah, you are.”
We didn’t know what else to say so we stopped talking for a while.
“So you’re not going then?” she finally said, sniffing quietly.
She wiped her eyes really quickly. We both knew that I’d seen her wipe her eyes, but we both pretended that I hadn’t.
It was weird.
“No, I’m going to stay, if that’s all right?”
“Free country,” she grumbled.
“Are you sure?”
“Do what you want. I don’t care.”
I took a few steps towards her. “Thanks. I’ll stay for a while.”
“Why aren’t you playing with your midget?”
“My midget?”
“Charlie.”
“You mean Charles?”
“Yeah, the midget.”
“He’s not a midget.”
“He looks like a midget.”
“He’s just a bit short. And anyway, midget is not a nice word.”
“Whatever. He’s still a shorty. Why aren’t you with him?”
“He’s outside, checking everyone’s got their lunch money.”
“Idiot.”
I started to sit down beside Agatha. She looked terrified. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Sitting next to you.”
“No one sits next to me. I decide when I want people to sit next to me, right?”
“Yeah, all right. I’ll sit here. Is that all right?”
I pointed at the tiled wall, a little further away from Agatha. She checked the distance between us. “Yeah, but no closer,” she said.
I took a deep breath. I knew what I was going to say. But I didn’t particularly want to say it.
“Are you …” I began feebly.
“Am I what?” Agatha snapped. Her eyes were like two brown drills digging through my head.
“Are you hungry?”
“What sort of stupid question is that?” she shouted, but her voice wasn’t intimidating this time. So I tried again.
“Are you hungry? Have you had lunch?”
“Of course I have, moron. No wonder you hang out with a midget. You and him should be in the circus. The midget and the moron.”
Her insults didn’t bother me anymore. They weren’t working; they were just words. They used to feel like bullets that went straight through my heart. But now, they were like those soft, foam bullets in toy guns that bounced right off me.
“I watched you at lunchtime,” I said, getting more confident. “You didn’t line up with the rest of us in the canteen. You didn’t buy any food. You didn’t bring a packed lunch either. You just disappeared.”
“Are you spying on me? You need to get a life. You shouldn’t be following me around the school, you know. I could tell the Cannibal.”
Her voice was getting louder and higher so I tried to stay calm.
“So you haven’t eaten, then?” I said quietly.
“No, I haven’t. I’ve got a stomachache. That’s why I’m in here. Satisfied now? … Good! … Shut your gob and get out.”
Agat
ha pointed at the door and then shoved her head between her legs.
“Agatha?”
“I said get out.”
She refused to look at me. I stood up and thought about leaving. I was trying to help, but she wasn’t interested. What else could I do?
“But you didn’t eat yesterday, either,” I said finally.
Agatha looked up at me. Her eyes were red and scary. “What?” she growled.
“You, er, didn’t eat yesterday, or the day before. I watched you. I’ve been watching you all week.”
Agatha started to move. She was suddenly jittery and fidgety. “So you were spying on me?”
“No. I was worried about you. You haven’t eaten all week.”
“I told you. I wasn’t hungry!” she shouted. She swore, too. In fact, almost everything she said had a swear word in there somewhere. The teachers’ toilets had never heard so much bad language.
Now she was rocking from side to side. Her body movements were strange. It was scary, in a different way. She didn’t seem to be in control of herself.
“But you used to eat more than anybody else in the class. You’d steal leftovers from the rest of us,” I said.
“So what?”
“But you stopped eating when the stealing stopped,” I continued.
Suddenly, Agatha was on her feet.
“Are you calling me a thief?”
“No, no, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re calling me a thief!”
She was hysterical now. In fact, she was screaming almost as much as she was swearing.
“I don’t think you’re a thief,” I said. “I just think you’re hungry.”
“SHUT YOUR FACE, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.”
The next thing I knew, I was flying through the air. Even my taekwondo training didn’t see it coming. Agatha had pushed me hard in the chest. I flew backwards and smacked my head against the tiled wall. The whole room was spinning around me. Agatha was a blur as she ran towards the door.
“I hate this place,” she cried.
She stopped at the door and unzipped her bag, taking out a geography textbook, the really big and boring one. She threw it at the mirror above the sink, shattering the glass into hundreds of pieces. Without thinking, I threw an arm in front of my face to protect my eyes.
Princess Incognito: a Royal Pain in the Class Page 11
