Dedication
This book is for Derek and Luisa, as always,
because they’re my people.
But it’s also for our friends, because without them,
we would be lost.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
One
THE MOTHER CAN SEE THE HEART BEATING.
The ultrasound technician points it out to her and the father. Taps the screen with her long, red fingernail. “Here,” she says. “Look.”
After eight weeks and all the anticipation, the baby is only a small, white blob in a big, black hole. It doesn’t look like a person yet.
The father takes a breath and leans closer to the pulsing light and dark. “Hello,” he says.
The mother looks away and shakes her head, hard. “No.”
The technician and the father turn to frown at her with faces painted in blue and grey. Their expressions say, Why are you so rudely interrupting our quiet moment of wonder?
“That’s not why we came here,” says the mother. “Something’s wrong and you’re supposed to tell us why.”
“Actually,” says the technician, “I’m not supposed to tell you anything.” She sets down her wand and clicks across the examining-room floor on her precarious heels. They are white and glossy, and their height makes her unsteady until she wobbles to a stop at her desk. The mother had initially seen those shoes and thought, Really?
The technician consults the mother’s chart. “Oh.” She glances back at the screen, which is empty now.
The mother feels tears starting but she will not let them come. Because she is angry. She says, “Look.”
Now the technician and the father see what she’s showing them.
The long, plastic wand on the table with its giant condom stretched tight, slick with blood. Fresh and bright red in some spots and dark brown and clumped in others. Which the technician must have already seen, because she’s the one who put it in and pulled it out.
The mother thinks that right now, in here, wand is a ridiculous word. It calls to mind a sparkly fairy flitting around, bestowing happiness. Working magic.
Before they got started, the mother had asked the technician if she could please have the over-the-belly ultrasound instead of the up-the-vagina kind, but the technician shook her head. “It’s too early,” she said. “We won’t be able to see anything that way.”
That way would have been so much better, the mother thinks now.
The father says, “But the heart is beating. I saw it, right here.” His finger caresses the screen. “That’s got to be a good sign, right?”
The technician makes some notes and closes the mother’s file. “Not necessarily, no.”
His arm falls. “But you showed us.”
“I’m sorry.”
The mother is lying on her back on the examining table and she feels the trickle between her legs beginning to flow faster. “I need something.”
The father is still staring at the screen like he’s trying to solve a puzzle.
“Something absorbent. You need to help me with the mess, I’m bleeding more.”
“Yes,” says the technician. “Just a minute.”
While the mother waits, she tries to pretend she’s somewhere better, like a beach. The fluorescent sun is beating down and she’s lying on the silly towel the father gave her after she giddily unveiled the positive pregnancy test. The towel is bright yellow with red lobsters all over it, and they’re wearing T-shirts. And she’s soaking it through.
The technician grabs a wad of exam-table paper and thrusts it at the mother. The paper is stiff and scratches her bare skin, but it does the job.
The husband is crying now, very softly.
The wife stares at the ceiling tiles and imagines rising in the air with enormous, leathery wings, being made all-powerful by her hatred for this insensitive, thoughtless person who is supposed to be professional and who is not supposed to show them the heartbeat of the baby that the wife is now in the process of losing.
She will rain down punishment on her for this unforgivable thing, for putting the image of that tiny, useless heart in both of their brains forever.
Two
HERE SHE IS, ALONE BY THE WATER WITH HER ONLY child. It’s the middle of the day and the sun is very bright.
Her daughter is lying on her towel on the sand beside her. If she wants to, she can reach out and grab a small, smooth foot, skim her fingers across the slippery material of the pink-and-purple bathing suit with the cartoon pony on the front.
She could do that and reassure herself that her little girl is okay, she’s right here. She’s where she is supposed to be.
But what happens when she takes her hand away and closes her eyes? Her child disappears. It’s that easy. One minute her daughter is there, smiling on the beach on a beautiful summer day. And then she’s gone.
Sweat rolls down Ruth’s back, and Fern asks her, “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
“Nothing’s wrong, honey.” Ruth squints at the diamonds of sunlight spiking off the lake. “We’re just waiting for our friends.”
Far above them at the top of a steep set of uneven wooden steps, the enormous A-frame cottage is locked, and Ruth doesn’t have a key.
When they arrived over an hour ago, she parked their little hatchback in the driveway next to Stef and Sammy’s shiny SUV, got out and freed Fern from her car seat, and then the two of them knocked on the front door, but there was no answer.
It was hot and muggy and Fern wanted to put on her bathing suit immediately. She started to take off her clothes in the front yard but Ruth made her change in the car. She stood guard while Fern shed her top and bottom and wrestled into her suit, her dimpled elbows pinwheeling behind the bird-shit-streaked windows.
The heat was oppressive and Ruth had thought, It’s hotter here than at home. Isn’t it supposed to be a few degrees cooler up north? She fidgeted and wiped her brow.
The cottage loomed over them, surrounded by forest so dense it was dark even in the daytime. The trees huddled together around the property, jagged branches pointing accusations at the expensive piece of land that somebody had hacked out in the centre of them.
The eerie quiet was punctuated here and there by the busy, shuffling sounds Fern was making inside the car as she finished changing. The occasional bird call or random rustling noise was muted, as if the woods had swallowed up every living thing.
There was no sign of any neighbours on either side. Ruth tried to think if she’d seen any other cottages on the long, winding dirt road she’d taken here from the highway. She was pretty sure she hadn’t.
Now she sits on the little beach by the dock, perspiring in her tank top and jeans and squinting in the sun because she forgot her sunglasses at home.
She tells her impatient daughter that it’s not time for swimming yet.
They can swim when their friends get here.
Although she doesn’t know when that will be because Stef isn’t answering her phone. She must be somewhere out of range.
But why isn’t she here?
Ruth has had to pee for about half an hour now. Her bladder aches.
Maybe she got the address wrong. Maybe Stef and Sammy and the girls are waiting somewhere else, wondering what’s keeping them.
Their car is in the driveway, though. So where are they?
And then he appears.
A tall man with broad shoulders and black hair, gliding toward Ruth and Fern in nothing but a pair of sunglasses and palm-tree-patterned surf shorts. His paddleboard is nearly invisible beneath the sparkling waves, so it almost looks like he’s walking on water. Almost.
He lifts his oar in greeting and calls out, “Ahoy!”
“Ahoy!” Fern calls back, even though she has no idea who the man is.
How many times has Ruth told her to never talk to strangers? Not enough, apparently.
He floats closer and grows larger, cutting through the lake until he reaches the shore. Then he hops off his board and walks right over to them.
“My name’s Marvin,” he says. “You look lost.”
Like they’d washed up on a deserted island with no hope of rescue. Which is actually sort of true. No, it’s not. They’re fine. They’re on vacation!
Ruth shields her eyes, peering at her tiny reflection in the man’s mirrored aviators. A halo of sun glows around his silhouette.
“I’m Fern,” says Fern.
Ruth sighs and waits for her daughter to ask him for some candy next.
Marvin bows. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Fern.”
Ruth stands up and steps in front of her child’s delicate limbs—so much of her soft body exposed to the air. Sticks out her hand, which is shaking but just a little. “I’m Ruth. We’re visiting my friend Stef. But this is our first time here so I’m not sure we’re in the right place.”
“You surely are.” His hand is warm when he grasps hers. “Stef’s in the lake.”
“I’m sorry?” She tries to pull away but he holds on, and she imagines long strands of blonde hair like seaweed, drifting.
“They went for a boat ride. I passed them on my way over here.” He releases her.
“Oh.” Her arm drops and dangles by her side. “Maybe she forgot we were coming.”
“No, she knows. She said to tell you to sit tight and they’ll be here soon. How long have you been waiting?”
Fern crosses her arms and frowns. “A million years!”
Marvin’s rumbling laugh bounces between the three of them.
Ruth shushes Fern. “Not too long.”
“I told Stef she was being a bad host,” he says. “If you were visiting my cottage, my wife would’ve served you twelve different types of pie already.”
“Pie is squishy inside,” says Fern. “Daddy likes it but I hate it.”
“Me too.” He winks at Fern over his glasses. “Where’s your daddy now?”
“He’ll be here soon,” Ruth says, too quickly.
“He’s at our big, new house!” Fern jumps up and down. “We were in a little house before but Auntie Stef gave Daddy lots of money to buy a new house and now she’s our neighbour!”
“She’s my neighbour too. Look how much we have in common,” says Marvin. “She never gave me any money, though.” He puts on an exaggerated pout.
Fern chortles at that, and Ruth tells her, “Auntie Stef didn’t give Daddy the money, sweetie. Daddy earned it because he works for Auntie Stef. You know that.”
Marvin gives Fern a fake-serious look. “And I’ll bet he works very, very hard.”
There’s a splash by the dock, and Ruth turns just in time to see the flash of silver and brown. A big fish, bigger than she’d expect to see so close to shore, leaping up to catch a dragonfly. She even thinks she can hear the jaws snap, but that must be her imagination.
“Your wife sounds like a nice person,” she says. “With the pie.”
“Yeah,” says Marvin. “She’s all right.”
“Mommy has to go pee!” Fern shouts.
“Shh, Fern.” Ruth’s face reddens. “No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do!” Her daughter jabs a tiny finger at her. “You told me you did!”
“I can keep an eye on your little one if you want to scamper into the woods,” he says. “I’d let you into the cottage if I could, but I don’t have a key. Stef and Sammy trust us with their children, apparently, but not their valuables.”
She measures the pain in her bladder against the short distance to the trees and the time it would take to find a secluded spot, pull down her pants, relieve herself, pull them up again and run back.
Marvin smiles at Fern again and hunkers down next to her, compacting his bulk into a boulder shape.
There is no way, Ruth thinks, and grits her teeth as she allows a few drops of urine to escape. She’s wearing a pantyliner and it’s one of the more absorbent ones, so hopefully that will help. As long as she only goes a little bit.
The lake glitters at them, hiding everything underneath. There are other docks, Ruth sees now, but they are spaced very far apart. Ensuring privacy. And there is a fast-moving dot in the distance, coming closer.
Fern yells, “Look!” She jumps up and races to the edge of the shore as the roar of an outboard motor obliterates all other sounds.
LESS THAN TEN minutes later, after Stef and Sammy docked their boat and piled out with the twins to greet Ruth and Fern, and Marvin told Stef to hurry up and let Ruth into the cottage already because she needed to use the facilities, and Sammy said he’d stay at the beach with the kids as long as Stef brought him down some beef jerky—“The spicy one! Not the regular one because it tastes like a dead rat.” And all three girls collapsed together in a heap, helpless with laughter: “He said dead rat! He said dead rat!”—Ruth sits on the toilet, relieved at last, and looks down between her pale legs.
The bowl is bright with ribbons of blood. And here she’d thought she was nearly done. She should’ve packed tampons but she only brought the pads. That’s all she thought she would need.
She glances around the room but there’s no medicine cabinet, and the sink is a fancy pedestal one with no cupboard underneath. If she wants a tampon, she will have to ask. She hates asking Stef for anything.
She wipes one last time and stands up.
At their old apartment, the toilet used to clog regularly, and over the years she became an expert with the plunger. Wrestling with whatever came out of her, forcing it back down the pipes.
She holds her breath as she flushes, and she’s grateful when everything disappears.
The distant shrieks just barely reach her. Fern is always so excited to see Amelia and Isabelle. They’re her best friends, she says, even though the twins are seven and Fern isn’t even four yet.
Ruth turns on the tap, and a loud knock at the bathroom door makes her flinch and fling a spray of cold water onto the round mirror, which has been designed to resemble a ship’s porthole. The water streams down over her startled reflection and there’s another knock, louder this time.
“Hello?” she calls.
“It’s me,” says Stef. “Just making sure you didn’t fall in.”
Ruth turns off the faucet and dries her hands, then swipes the fluffy hand towel across the glass, but of course that just makes everything worse. She could hunt around for cleaning products but she doesn’t want to. Instead, she grabs a bottle of expensive-looking lotion and squeezes out a big glob. It’s pale yellow and smells like lemons, and she’s still rubbing it into her skin when she opens the door and smiles at her friend.
Stef smiles back and walks right in. “Do you love this place or what?”
She hustles Ruth back over to the sink and shoves until both of their faces are framed inside the decorative porthole.
Stef is also wearing a tank top, but hers fits much better than Ruth’s does. It clings to her curves where Ruth’s fabric sags or bunches up. It’s a nicer colour too. The light blue complements Stef’s light hair, while Ruth’s dark purple next to her dark brown hair just washes her out entirely.
She tries to stop comparing and focuses on the frame around them instead. It looks expensive, made of shiny brass and embellished with fake rivets and hinges.
“I like this thing.” Stef taps the glass. “It reminds me of that work cruise we took that time.”
Which one? thinks Ruth, and gue
sses, “When you and James got sick from the seafood salad at the buffet?” She remembers being a tiny bit glad when that happened, but then she felt guilty.
Stef nods grimly. “Goddamn clams in mayonnaise. What were we thinking?” Suddenly her eyes go wide with fear, and she claws at the mirror and yells, “Help us! We’re sinking!” And chuckles at her own joke.
“Ha ha.” Ruth takes a step backward. “I should get back to Fern.”
“Oh, she’s fine. Anyway, I have to give you the grand tour first.” Stef scowls at the streaks on the mirror. “Ugh, look at this, Sammy is such a slob. He always flosses his teeth right up close and then tries to smear off his disgusting plaque morsels with toilet paper. I’ll make him clean this later.” She surveys the rest of the bathroom and gives Ruth a knowing smirk. “Bitch always has the worst timing, doesn’t she?”
“What?” She follows Stef’s gaze to the trash bin, where she thought she’d buried all the evidence. But there is the lilac wrapper with its crumpled, white wing, resting on the very top of the pile. “Oh, right.”
She should’ve just bundled up everything in a wad of toilet paper and stuck it in her purse, because now Stef is going to say something like, You better not go swimming with that thing stuck to your crotch or the muskies will start circling! She can almost hear the words in the air already. The two of them have known each other for so long.
But all her friend says is, “You want a beer?”
STEF WALKS RUTH through every room in the cottage.
There’s a finished basement with two guest bedrooms, where Ruth and Fern will be sleeping. There’s also a bathroom downstairs, and a playroom with a giant TV in the centre of it. On the main floor is the kitchen, the adjoining living room with another big-screen TV, another bathroom down a short hall, and a big, screened porch and wraparound deck facing the water. On the top floor are two more bedrooms—one for Stef and Sammy and the other for the twins.
Ruth tries not to gape too much at how nice everything is, and nods politely but impatiently as her friend proudly points out the various features of each room and explains how the previous owners had been happy to give them most of the furniture and even left behind a bunch of toys for the twins—“They just wanted to get out of here, I guess. Lucky us!”
Worry Page 1
