by Jess Bryant
She started to turn and leave the room but his voice stopped her in her tracks. It was softer now. Pleading instead of demanding.
“Don’t do this.”
She turned back, “Don’t try to stop me. It’s my body, and it’s my decision. And if you get in my way, I’ll hate you forever.”
His blue eyes seemed to be begging her, “You don’t need a tattoo to remember this trip if you’re really not going back to Nashville to marry Aaron. If this is who you really are, if this is the life you want, where you’re free to do and be whoever you want, you won’t need a tattoo to remember this time by.”
“I might not need it, but I want it, and that’s a good enough reason for me.” She met his gaze and admitted something she’d had no intention of putting into words. “It might not be a memento of who I was on this trip or in this moment but it will be a memory I get to keep forever of the first time I let myself want something that everyone else said was a mistake… even the person I wanted it with.”
Tyler gave no reaction to her words. He blinked and his jaw tightened again but he said nothing. Ashtyn wasn’t sure there was anything he could say in that moment, certainly nothing to change her mind. With a curt nod, she turned and walked out of the motel room, slamming the door behind her and walking bravely past the window and down the block before she broke into a full on run, needing to put as much distance as possible between herself and the man that had no idea he was breaking her heart.
Tears welled in her eyes but she pushed them away as she rounded the corner and forced herself to slow down and breathe. Tyler was an idiot but he was a man, so of course he didn’t understand. She was the true moron in this situation because somewhere along the way, she’d started to fall for him and she hadn’t even realized it until he pulled away from her and called her a mistake.
She tried to console herself with the knowledge that it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be love that she felt for him. She hadn’t known him long enough. She was merely infatuated and yeah, lust had played a big part in that.
He had been there for her when nobody else had. He had been the one to catch her when she fell. He’d put her back on her feet and told her to try again. Of course she would develop feelings for a man like that, a man so different from all the ones who had come before him in her life.
But to find out that he wasn’t different, that he was just like all the rest, that he still, after all they’d been through, believed she would run back home and beg Aaron to take her back and live the picture-perfect life that was expected of her hurt. It hurt far more than she’d expected it to. Which was when she’d realized it wasn’t just lust that she felt for the stupid man.
Without really thinking about it, she pulled the small cell phone she’d purchased out of the pocket of her jacket and dialed a number she hadn’t even realized she knew by heart. She’d been using payphones and hotel room phones and once or twice Tyler had even let her use his phone to call or text Kelsey and let her know how things were going and that she was still alive. She assumed that Kelsey was relating the information to both of her parents so that they wouldn’t worry but she’d been too scared to reach out to them herself. Now, as her mother’s voice came through the line, she wished she’d called earlier.
“Ashtyn? Baby, is that you?”
“Hi Mom.”
“Oh sweetheart.” Relief flooded the line and Ashtyn felt guilt twist knots in her belly. “I’ve been so worried.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry, I just…”
“Needed to get away.” Her mother finished for her when she trailed off. “I understand.”
“I know you do. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I should’ve known you would understand why I had to get away and you wouldn’t judge me for acting so… impulsively.”
Her mother was quiet for a second before her tone became more careful, “Are you okay, sweetheart? Has something happened? Is that why you’re calling now?”
“No. Yes. I mean…” Ashtyn sighed, looking up at the night sky with its millions of twinkling stars before shaking her head. “I mean, no. Nothing bad has happened. Not really. I’m fine. I just…”
“Ashtyn?” Her mother sounded worried when she trailed off again.
“I just needed to hear my mom’s voice.” She swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat.
“Oh baby, I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“I know. It’s weird to think that we’re thousands of miles apart but I feel closer to you right now than ever before. It’s almost like, I don’t know, maybe like I’m following in your footsteps? Getting out, getting away and taking this chance to figure out who I am without all the pressures of being Senator Echols’ daughter or everything that came with being Aaron’s other half has made me realize why you had to leave and why you stayed gone.” Ashtyn took a deep breath and blew it out, “I forgave you for leaving a long time ago, Mom. But I never really understood why you did what you did, until now.”
She could hear her mother’s sniffle on the other end of the line, “Oh baby, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you before all of this. I’m sorry that you felt so alone with these feelings, that I didn’t see you were suffocating just like I was.”
“I hid it well.” Ashtyn admitted.
“Better than I ever did.” Her mother managed a small, tear filled laugh.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too my sweet girl.”
“Are you still in Nashville?” Ashtyn asked hesitantly.
“Of course. I couldn’t leave with things the way they are.”
“Will you still be there when I get home?”
“Are you planning to come back home soon?” Her mother countered.
“We’ll be in Vegas soon. I’m sure Kelsey’s told you all that’s where we’re headed. I’ve been ticking items off my bucket list along the way but, we’re almost there and then… I guess we’ll turn around and come back.”
“We?” Her mother seized on the word. “So you’re still with the man you left Nashville with then?”
“Yes, we’re still together. He promised to take me to Vegas and he’s not the kind of man to back out of a promise like that.”
“Good. Good. I’m glad to hear that. And he’s taking good care of you?”
“He is. He’s very protective but he’s also…” she trailed off, unsure of how much to tell her mom.
“He’s also what, sweetheart?”
“He’s… annoying, frustrating, a total pain in the ass because he wants to be the boss and make decisions for me that aren’t his to make. He drives me crazy. He thinks I’m just some pretty princess that’s been kept in a castle and know nothing about the real world and I want to strangle him at least once a day.”
She would have sworn she could hear her mother smiling on the other end of the line, “But?”
“But…” Ashtyn blew out a rough breath, “He’s also kind and sweet and most of the time he seems to understand why I’m out here and what I want to get out of this trip. He’s a good man. A foolish, pig-headed man, but a good man nonetheless.”
There was the sound of that smile again, “You like him.”
“I do.” Ashtyn admitted though it hadn’t sounded like a question. “Most of the time anyways.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“No.” Ashtyn laughed a little. “Definitely not.”
“I see.”
“It’s just… he’s a good guy, like I said, and maybe if we’d met somewhere else, at some other time, things would be different but, we didn’t and it’s complicated.”
“Well, you’re a grown woman and you don’t need your mother’s advice but I’m going to give it to you anyway.”
“Mom.” Ashtyn groaned.
“Just listen to your heart, sweet girl. It’s all any of us can do.”
Ashtyn snorted, “Listening to my heart is what got me into this situation.”
“No, it’s what
got you out of a bad situation and gave you the chance to explore the world and yourself and any other opportunities that might come along for you. Remember that.”
Ashtyn’s throat felt tight again but she nodded even though her mother couldn’t see her, “Thanks Mom.”
“I love you, baby. Take care of yourself and if you need anything, call and I’ll be there on the next plane out.”
“I know. I love you too.” Ashtyn wiped at her cheek where a stray tear had fallen, “Bye Mom.”
She hung the phone up and put it back in her pocket. She stared all around her at the dark night on the edge of a city she’d never visited. She was alone but she could feel her mother’s warmth and acceptance wrapped around her like a hug. No matter what Ashtyn did, who she chose to be or where she chose to go, she knew she’d always have her mother’s support.
It wasn’t something she’d known she even needed but she had. Especially after the day with Tyler and the argument they’d just had. She’d told her mom it was complicated but in truth, she wasn’t entirely certain that it was.
They were two strangers whose paths had merged for a short time and in the end, they would go their separate ways no matter what her body or her heart might want. She wouldn’t press him for more than he was willing to give. They could be friends and see this trip out to its finale. And when she did go home, eventually, it would be with a permanent reminder not just of who she had been during this trip but also of who she had gotten to spend it with, the man that had helped her become the best possible version of herself.
She managed her first true smile of the day as she walked into the tattoo studio.
16
As the door slammed closed behind Ashtyn, Tyler felt like some sort of lifeline had been severed. He knew it didn’t make any sense. Still, it didn’t make it any less true that he’d gotten accustomed to spending every single moment of the day with her, of always being able to turn around and see her smile, or glare at him as the case may be. Watching her walk out of the motel room without him felt like she was walking out of his life and that disturbed him far more than was normal or reasonable for the short amount of time they’d spent together.
He wanted to go after her. He wanted to grab her by the arm, spin her around and pull her against him. He wanted to kiss her until she promised never to leave him but he couldn’t do any of that and he knew if he tried that she’d be just as likely to slap him as she was to kiss him in return.
It was one of the things he liked best about her.
So instead of following her, he picked up his shower bag and headed to the small motel bathroom to take a hot shower and try to come to his senses. It had been a hell of a day, one that he would love to put behind him, but it wasn’t over yet. Ashtyn was out there somewhere, alone in a new city in the dark and he wouldn’t be able to relax until she was back safely by his side, where she belonged.
Tyler cursed the thought as he turned the water on as hot as it would go and then shed his clothes and stepped under the steaming torrent. The pelting water hurt at first as his skin tried to adjust to the heat but it was nothing compared to the pain that clamped around his heart whenever he thought of Ashtyn and the way she’d looked at him just before she walked out the door.
She’d been angry with him all day. He knew that. She’d been quiet and distant and he’d thought it was for the best. But she hadn’t been angry when she left the motel. She’d seemed far more resigned than upset, as if he’d let her down, and damn if that didn’t fill him with a sense of failure like nothing he’d ever known.
He was used to letting people down. He never lived up to the standards Vaughn set for him. Hunter was always covering for him, in one way or another. He wasn’t the reliable St. James brother and everyone knew it. But damn if he didn’t want Ashtyn to know that she could rely on him, that he would have her back, that he would always be there for her and would do his best to make her happy.
He realized as he stood under the steaming water that Ashtyn was the one person in the world that he didn’t want to let down.
Only he already had because he’d lied. He’d lied about so many things either directly or through omission. He’d never told her why he’d been at the wedding or what he did for work. He certainly hadn’t come close to revealing that he was still working for her family, that he’d only agreed to take her to Las Vegas on this trip because it was his job. He couldn’t even begin to explain to her how his job, taking care of her, protecting her, was the reason he couldn’t be with her the way he wanted. He couldn’t put into words that wanting to protect her and be there for her and make her happy had nothing to do with the job at this point.
He liked her. He liked her and he’d hurt her. And he wasn’t sure she would ever forgive him but he knew that he had to at least try to make things right between them, otherwise it would eat him up from the inside out and destroy him.
He could ignore a lot of things. His mother preferring booze to the presence of her sons. His father’s inability to care about anyone’s happiness but his own. Vaughn’s never-ending demands that Tyler grow up and be more responsible. Hunter leaving him behind to build his own life with Millie and even Tatum’s tantrums about not being the center of everyone’s attention anymore. Tyler had always been able to tune them out and do his own thing but it was a shocking realization to him that he wouldn’t just be able to ignore Ashtyn’s hurt.
Her hurt was his hurt. Her pain was his pain. And he had to fix it.
Tyler washed his hair, rinsed off and then, finally, turned the hot water off and stepped out of the shower. He felt better than he had all day and he knew it was about more than just the refreshing shower. He knew what he had to do, namely get Ashtyn to talk to him and agree to be his friend again, and now that he had a plan to make things better between them, he felt lighter.
He shaved and brushed his teeth and then found a clean pair of clothes in his bag. Luckily the motel in Oklahoma City had been right next to a laundromat so he and Ashtyn had been able to do laundry and now the small pack of clothes they’d each brought with them were freshly clean instead of stale and dust-covered from their days and days on the road. He pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and was just shrugging back into his jacket when his cell phone buzzed on the bedside table where he’d left it to charge.
He took one look at the name on the screen and grinned as he picked up, “Tell me you’re just calling to say that you’re home and not to check up on me.”
Hunter’s laughter rolled down the line and Tyler’s grin widened. He and Hunter had always been the closest out of the siblings. They were the closest in age and had the same mother and father so they’d grown up with the same troubling sense of not belonging after their dad got back together with Vaughn’s mom and they had Tatum. Hunter understood him better than anyone and he had truly missed his big brother while he’d been away on his honeymoon for the past two weeks.
“Can’t a big brother do both?”
Tyler groaned, “Vaughn told you then?”
“The second he had me strapped into the passenger seat of his car at the airport.” Hunter chuckled.
“I don’t know why that should surprise me.”
“It shouldn’t.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine. Just think of it like I’m away on a job. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to hug you and Millie when you got back today though.”
“No worries. Hugs wouldn’t be a great idea right now anyway. Mills and I got so sunburned our last day out that we look like lobsters.”
Tyler laughed, “Sunburns? Seriously? And here I thought you two wouldn’t be able to keep your clothes on long enough to leave your cabana and enjoy the sun.”
“Not keeping our clothes is what led to the worst part of the sunburn if you catch my drift.”
“Ouch.” Tyler laughed.
“Tell me about it.”
“No, please god, do not tell me any more details about your honeymoon.” Tyler pleade
d playfully, “But on a more serious note, you sound happy. I’m happy for you. You should be enjoying a relaxing evening with your wife on your first night back home, not calling to check up on me.”
“Oh shut it. Millie’s in the tub soaking in some weird oatmeal bath that’s supposed to help with the sunburn and she said I wasn’t invited to join her so I have time to talk to my little brother. Tell me what I missed while we were away.”
“I’m sure Vaughn’s already told you what you missed.” Tyler grumbled.
“He told me the big wedding of the year didn’t happen. Said you absconded with the runaway bride and are on a road trip to Vegas with her while the ditched at the altar groom has gone into hiding at some ski lodge in the mountains and Isaac is stuck playing babysitter with him to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid.” Hunter snorted. “Sounds like I missed a hell of a lot.”
“You did.”
“How are you holding up? I can’t imagine playing chauffer to Princess Peach has been a bucket of fun for you even if you do get to ride your motorcycle halfway across the country. You always wanted to do that didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Tyler admitted through a clenched jaw, “But don’t call her that. Her name is Ashtyn.”
“Oh yeah?” Hunter’s tone went curious just that fast and Tyler sighed.
“Yeah. She’s uh… she’s not what I imagined, not anything like what her file says about her actually.”
“If I remember correctly her file painted her as the perfect politician’s daughter. Shy, quiet, reserved, not at all the type to run out on her wedding, hop on a motorcycle with a complete stranger and never look back so yeah, I’m sure you’re right.”
“She’s definitely not shy or quiet but it’s more than that. She’s smart and sarcastic and funny as hell. She’s got this bucket list of crazy things she wants to do in her life so we’ve been knocking some of them out along the way. We went rock climbing in Oklahoma City and man, Hunt. She’s fearless, determined too. She doesn’t back down from a challenge and…”
