The Decameron, Volume II
Page 61
givesthem capons and money for medicines, and is cured without beingdelivered.--
When Elisa had ended her story, and all had given thanks to God that Hehad vouchsafed the young nun a happy escape from the fangs of her enviouscompanions, the queen bade Filostrato follow suit; and without expectinga second command, thus Filostrato began:--Fairest my ladies, the uncouthjudge from the Marches, of whom I told you yesterday, took from the tipof my tongue a story of Calandrino, which I was on the point ofnarrating: and as nought can be said of him without mightily enhancingour jollity, albeit not a little has already been said touching him andhis comrades, I will now give you the story which I had meant yesterdayto give you. Who they were, this Calandrino and the others that I am totell of in this story, has already been sufficiently explained;wherefore, without more ado, I say that one of Calandrino's aunts havingdied, leaving him two hundred pounds in petty cash, Calandrino gave outthat he was minded to purchase an estate, and, as if he had had tenthousand florins of gold to invest, engaged every broker in Florence totreat for him, the negotiation always falling through, as soon as theprice was named. Bruno and Buffalmacco, knowing what was afoot, told himagain and again that he had better give himself a jolly time with themthan go about buying earth as if he must needs make pellets;(1) but sofar were they from effecting their purpose, that they could not evenprevail upon him to give them a single meal. Whereat as one day theygrumbled, being joined by a comrade of theirs, one Nello, also a painter,they all three took counsel how they might wet their whistle atCalandrino's expense; and, their plan being soon concerted, the nextmorning Calandrino was scarce gone out, when Nello met him,saying:--"Good day, Calandrino:" whereto Calandrino replied:--"God givethee a good day and a good year." Nello then drew back a little, andlooked him steadily in the face, until:--"What seest thou to stare at?"quoth Calandrino. "Hadst thou no pain in the night?" returned Nello;"thou seemest not thyself to me." Which Calandrino no sooner heard, thanhe began to be disquieted, and:--"Alas! How sayst thou?" quoth he. "Whattak'st thou to be the matter with me?" "Why, as to that I have nothing tosay," returned Nello; "but thou seemest to be quite changed: perchance'tis not what I suppose;" and with that he left him.
Calandrino, anxious, though he could not in the least have said why, wenton; and soon Buffalmacco, who was not far off, and had observed him partfrom Nello, made up to him, and greeted him, asking him if he was not inpain. "I cannot say," replied Calandrino; "'twas but now that Nello toldme that I looked quite changed: can it be that there is aught the matterwith me?" "Aught?" quoth Buffalmacco, "ay, indeed, there might be atrifle the matter with thee. Thou look'st to be half dead, man."Calandrino now began to think he must have a fever. And then up cameBruno; and the first thing he said was:--"Why, Calandrino, how ill thoulook'st! thy appearance is that of a corpse. How dost thou feel?" To bethus accosted by all three left no doubt in Calandrino's mind that he wasill, and so:--"What shall I do?" quoth he, in a great fright. "Myadvice," replied Bruno, "is that thou go home and get thee to bed andcover thee well up, and send thy water to Master Simone, who, as thouknowest, is such a friend of ours. He will tell thee at once what thoumust do; and we will come to see thee, and will do aught that may beneedful." And Nello then joining them, they all three went home withCalandrino, who, now quite spent, went straight to his room, and said tohis wife:--"Come now, wrap me well up; I feel very ill." And so he laidhimself on the bed, and sent a maid with his water to Master Simone, whohad then his shop in the Mercato Vecchio, at the sign of the pumpkin.Whereupon quoth Bruno to his comrades:--"You will stay here with him, andI will go hear what the doctor has to say, and if need be, will bring himhither." "Prithee, do so, my friend," quoth Calandrino, "and bring meword how it is with me, for I feel as how I cannot say in my inside." SoBruno hied him to Master Simone, and before the maid arrived with thewater, told him what was afoot. The Master, thus primed, inspected thewater, and then said to the maid:--"Go tell Calandrino to keep himselfvery warm, and I will come at once, and let him know what is the matterwith him, and what he must do." With which message the maid was scarcereturned, when the Master and Bruno arrived, and the Master, havingseated himself beside Calandrino, felt his pulse, and by and by, in thepresence of his wife, said:--"Harkye, Calandrino, I speak to thee as afriend, and I tell thee that what is amiss with thee is just that thouart with child." Whereupon Calandrino cried out querulously:--"Woe's me!'Tis thy doing, Tessa, for that thou must needs be uppermost: I told theeplainly what would come of it," Whereat the lady, being not a littlemodest, coloured from brow to neck, and with downcast eyes, withdrew fromthe room, saying never a word by way of answer. Calandrino ran on in thesame plaintive strain:--"Alas! woe's me! What shall I do? How shall I bedelivered of this child? What passage can it find? Ah! I see only tooplainly that the lasciviousness of this wife of mine has been the deathof me: God make her as wretched as I would fain be happy! Were I as wellas I am not, I would get me up and thrash her, till I left not a wholebone in her body, albeit it does but serve me right for letting her getthe upper place; but if I do win through this, she shall never have itagain; verily she might pine to death for it, but she should not haveit."
Which to hear, Bruno and Buffalmacco and Nello were like to burst withsuppressed laughter, and Master Scimmione(2) laughed so frantically, thatall his teeth were ready to start from his jaws. However, at length, inanswer to Calandrino's appeals and entreaties for counsel andsuccour:--"Calandrino," quoth the Master, "thou mayst dismiss thy fears,for, God be praised, we were apprised of thy state in such good time thatwith but little trouble, in the course of a few days, I shall set theeright; but 'twill cost a little." "Woe's me," returned Calandrino, "be itso, Master, for the love of God: I have here two hundred pounds, withwhich I had thoughts of buying an estate: take them all, all, if you musthave all, so only I may escape being delivered, for I know not how Ishould manage it, seeing that women, albeit 'tis much easier for them, domake such a noise in the hour of their labour, that I misdoubt me, if Isuffered so, I should die before I was delivered." "Disquiet notthyself," said the doctor: "I will have a potion distilled for thee; ofrare virtue it is, and not a little palatable, and in the course of threedays 'twill purge thee of all, and leave thee in better fettle than afish; but thou wilt do well to be careful thereafter, and commit no suchindiscretions again. Now to make this potion we must have three pair ofgood fat capons, and, for divers other ingredients, thou wilt give one ofthy friends here five pounds in small change to purchase them, and thouwilt have everything sent to my shop, and so, please God, I will sendthee this distilled potion to-morrow morning, and thou wilt take a goodbeakerful each time." Whereupon:--"Be it as you bid, Master mine," quothCalandrino, and handing Bruno five pounds, and money enough to purchasethree pair of capons, he begged him, if it were not too much trouble, todo him the service to buy these things for him. So away went the doctor,and made a little decoction by way of draught, and sent it him. Brunobought the capons and all else that was needed to furnish forth thefeast, with which he and his comrades and the doctor regaled them.Calandrino drank of the decoction for three mornings, after which he hada visit from his friends and the doctor, who felt his pulse, andthen:--"Beyond a doubt, Calandrino," quoth he, "thou art cured, and sothou hast no more occasion to keep indoors, but needst have no fear to dowhatever thou hast a mind to." Much relieved, Calandrino got up, andresumed his accustomed way of life, and, wherever he found any one totalk to, was loud in praise of Master Simone for the excellent manner inwhich he had cured him, causing him in three days without the leastsuffering to be quit of his pregnancy. And Bruno and Buffalmacco andNello were not a little pleased with themselves that they had so cleverlygot the better of Calandrino's niggardliness, albeit Monna Tessa, who wasnot deceived, murmured not a little against her husband.
(1) I.e. bolts of clay for the cross-bow.
(2) I.e. great ape: with a play on Simone.
NOVEL IV.
--Cecco, son of Messer Fortarrigo, loses his all at play at Buonconvento,besides the money of Cecc
o, son of Messer Angiulieri; whom, running afterhim in his shirt and crying out that he has robbed him, he causes to betaken by peasants: he then puts on his clothes, mounts his palfrey, andleaves him to follow in his shirt.--
All the company laughed beyond measure to hear what Calandrino saidtouching his wife: but, when Filostrato had done, Neifile, being biddenby the queen, thus began:--Noble ladies, were it not more difficult formen to evince their good sense and virtue than their folly and theirvice, many would labour in vain to set bounds to their flow of words:whereof you have had a most