by Abbi Glines
She opened the passenger door and climbed inside. God help me, she had on a pair of tiny shorts and an even tinier top, giving me a peek at her belly button. The beach was a forty-five minute drive and she was going to make me crazy dressed like that.
“Good morning,” she said, smiling as she slid over beside me and straddled the stick shift. All worries of Sawyer fled my mind.
“Good morning, beautiful,” I replied and leaned over to kiss her. She immediately sighed and moved closer to me, running her fingers through my hair. It took all my self-control to pull back.
“Don’t you want to get out of here first?” I asked.
She pouted as if I’d just taken away her favorite toy and sat back, crossing her arms over her chest.
“How’re you feeling today,” I asked, pulling out onto the road. Her dimple winked at me. It took extreme will power to keep driving and not pull over so I could kiss that sweet spot.
“I’m fine . . . I mean, better than fine. I’m . . .” She paused and I glanced down to see her cheeks flush a pretty bright pink. I couldn’t keep from chuckling at the innocent blush on her face. Reaching down I gently pulled one of the small hands she was wringing nervously in her lap and threaded my fingers through hers while the first stirrings of possessiveness came over me.
“Are you sore?” I asked. I’d heard virgins were normally sore afterwards. However, Ashton had been the first virgin I’d ever been with.
She started to shake her head then her blush deepened. “Maybe a little.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied, feeling a tug of protectiveness rear up inside me to go with the healthy heaping of possessiveness. She was turning my insides into a crazy war zone.
She gazed up at me and smiled shyly. “I’m not.”
God, I loved her. She wrapped her arms around mine and laid her head on my shoulder. It was one of the few times I hated my stick shift. I’d prefer to remain just like this without having to move my arm.
“Tell me you put on sunblock,” I said, glancing down at her lightly tanned skin. The sun on the beach was intense for even the best tanner. She giggled and nodded her head. All was right with the world. Once I pulled out onto the highway headed south I tucked my hand between her thighs and enjoyed the ride.
Normally I don’t enjoy the tourist-covered beaches. But today was different. I didn’t mind the screaming kids flipping sand in my face as they scampered along the sand or the obnoxious sunburned northerners who feed the damn seagulls. Ashton made everything better.
The sun was scorching hot and although Ashton was content to bask in the heat I kept pulling her out into the waves with me. Watching her laugh and play as we dove into the oncoming waves made it feel as if our years apart had just disappeared. There was then and now. The lost time in between was erased. Being with her made me feel complete. She’d always been the one to hold me together when my world crumbled around me.
“OH MY GOD. THERE’S A JELLYFISH!” Her shriek was followed by a humorous attempt at running through the rough water toward the sandy beach. I bit back my laughter and followed her. I didn’t doubt there was a jellyfish. It was time for them, but seeing her wide eyes and panicked expression was just so cute it was funny.
Ashton
“I always knew you would be irresistible once you stopped acting like someone you’re not,” Beau whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me.
I was still panting from running through the crashing waves. I let out a breathless laugh and laid my head back against his hard chest.
“It isn’t easy hiding the bad girl inside me from the only person who knows she exists,” I replied. Beau’s arms tightened and his breath was on my neck as he rested his chin on my shoulder.
“No. I never saw a bad girl. You’re not bad, Ash. You’ve just been pretending to be someone else for so long. Just to make your parents happy and then Sawyer happy. The girl you really are is amazing. You’re kind yet you’ve got spunk. You’re brilliant but you never act superior. You’re careful yet you know how to have fun and you’re so incredibly sexy but you haven’t got a clue.”
It was hard to see myself the way he described me but hearing him say those things made me wish things were different. I hadn’t held back with him at all. When I was with Beau I didn’t pretend to be anything. I was just me. And instead of the bad girl he saw something desirable. I wanted the world to see me this way too but I knew only someone like Beau would find all my faults attractive qualities.
“I’m glad you see me that way. I’m not saying I agree but it makes me happy knowing you don’t see the flaws.”
Beau tensed behind me for a moment before his arms left me. I could feel his body shift away from me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, turning around to face him.
He just shook his head. I waited for him to speak and after a few minutes of silence he turned his head to study me.
“Why are you with Sawyer?”
This wasn’t a question I’d been prepared for. I shook my head. “What do you mean?”
He ran his hand through his hair, closing his eyes as if he were fighting to keep from saying whatever was on the tip of his tongue.
“You act like someone else with him. Someone you believe would appeal to him. A perfect good girl who follows all the rules. Yet you want to break rules, Ash. You aren’t a criminal, you just want to spread your wings a little and enjoy life. But you want him so much you’re willing to deny yourself freedom to be YOU, just so you can have him.” He stopped talking but kept his pleading gaze on me. I didn’t want to hear these things. They weren’t true. I was a good girl. I was the kind of a girl someone like Sawyer could love.
“I am good,” I managed to say through the tightness in my throat. I felt stupid saying the words when just last night I’d lost my virginity in the back of his pickup truck when I should’ve been home mourning my Grana’s death. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to force my thoughts of Grana away. I couldn’t think about that now. I wasn’t ready.
“I didn’t say you were bad. You’re good, Ash. Were you not listening to me? You have this warped sense of what good is. Wanting to sneak out with your boyfriend and wanting to know you’re desirable and wanted by your freaking boyfriend or leaving a damn buggy in a parking spot doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a human.”
Tears stung my eyes. I wanted to believe him. I’d lived with guilt for so long because I wanted to do the things I’d been told were wrong. But this was Beau Vincent. He drank too much and did things to girls in public places I’d never done in my life . . . until I’d started spending time with him. Mom had always told me Lucifer was beautiful.
“I’d thought the Ash I knew was completely gone. I mourned her for a long time. Then one day in the lunch room Haley kept coming up to Sawyer and flirting with him right in front of you as if you weren’t there. When she turned to walk away you tripped her. Sawyer didn’t see it, but I did.” A grin tugged on the corner of his mouth. “When she’d been splayed out there on the floor I saw the little smirk touch your lips before you bent down to help her up, apologizing profusely. Until that moment I’d thought you were lost. I realized my Ash was under all the polish and politeness somewhere. After that day I started watching you and enjoying the moments I got a glimpse of the real you slipping out while no one else was paying attention. It’s why I said the things to you I did. I wanted you to react to me. I wanted you to smart off at me. Those moments when you couldn’t take it anymore and snapped . . . I lived for those moments.”
“You were mean to me because you wanted me to smart off to you?” I asked.
He nodded his head then bent down to kiss the tip of my nose.
“You really like my ugly side don’t you, Beau?”
“Nothing about you is ugly. You’re just as beautiful inside as you are out, but you don’t see it. That’s what kills me. Sawyer’s my cousin and I’d do anything for him. But he’s insane for keeping you up on some damn pedestal. I want
the real you. The one that likes shimming out of a pair of shorts knowing you’re driving me wild. The one who runs through the woods to my truck, smiling like nothing else matters.” He cupped my face with his hand. “The real Ashton Gray is perfect and I’m crazy in love with her.”
My gut clenched. I had feelings for Beau. We shared a history together and now we had this summer, but love wasn’t supposed to factor into the equation. There was Sawyer standing between us.
Beau’s lips found mine and everything else fell away. I didn’t care about all the worries and arguments in the back of my head. I just wanted to be me. In his arms, I knew I could be.
Chapter 9
Everyone in the town somehow managed to pack themselves into the church in order to pay their respects to my Grana. I hadn’t been able to talk myself into going up and looking at her lying there all still and pale. They wouldn’t have done her make-up right. She was a make-up expert and always had herself fixed up pretty. I’d liked knowing I had the prettiest seventy-year-old Grana in the world. When Mom and Dad hadn’t wanted me to start wearing make-up yet, even after my begging and pleading with them, Grana spirited me off to stay the weekend with her so she could teach me the technique of ‘putting your face on’ as she called it.
Another tear trickled down my cheek and I reached up to catch it with the Kleenex someone had handed me earlier. So many times I’d stood on the third row with Grana while Dad preached. We’d write notes back and forth until Mom would cut her eyes over at us with a sharp warning glare. It always made us giggle. Grana would act like we were putting the paper away. In reality she’d just get sneakier. Grana was a lot like Beau in the fact she embraced the bad girl inside me. Thinking of Beau caused another lump to form in my throat. I was starting to depend on him so much. Sawyer would be home soon and everything would change.
Thinking about how I’d let my own selfish desires come in between Beau and Sawyer made the guilt in my stomach thicken. Beau made everything feel better. I craved him. And without question he gave in to me. He said he loved me. He wasn’t supposed to love me. I couldn’t come between Sawyer and Beau. Ending this was the only way to keep from hurting everyone.
“Hey.” Beau’s deep voice startled me and I lifted my head to find him standing in front of me. I hadn’t expected him to come tonight. Besides the fact he never stepped foot in the church except on Easter Sunday and Christmas Eve, I figured he would spend his night free of me with friends . . . or Nicole.
“Hi,” I replied in a hoarse whisper. “I didn’t expect you to . . .” I stopped myself from saying more.
He raised both blonde eyebrows then tilted his head slightly to the left as he frowned at me. I noticed his short blonde hair that normally had the messy sexy look was neatly brushed. My eyes drifted down over his broad shoulders and chest, taking in the pale blue button-up dress shirt I was positive he’d never worn until tonight. The shirt was tucked into a pair of tan slacks I’d also never seen him wear. When I lifted my eyes back up to meet his I smiled for the first time in hours, enjoying his obvious discomfort.
“You dressed up,” I said quietly, not wanting to attract attention to us. He shrugged and glanced around as if seeing how many more people noticed his attempt at cleaning up. When his eyes settled back on me he leaned closer.
“Have you gone up to see her?” His soft whisper caused tears to spring back into my eyes. I shook my head and took a deep breath to keep from breaking down and hurling myself into his arms for comfort in front of the whole town. His warm hand covered mine and he stepped closer to me as he laced our fingers through together. Confused, I quickly glanced around the church this time to see who was watching us.
“Come on, Ash. You’ll regret not going to see her one last time. You need to do this for closure. Trust me.” There was a sadness in his eyes as he stared down at me pleadingly. “I didn’t go see my dad. I regret that. Even to this day.”
His admission caused the ache in my chest to throb harder, not just for me and my loss but for the little boy who had lost so much. Somehow he needed me to do this. I let him gently pull me up the aisle toward the open casket holding the woman I’d always depended on to be there no matter what. We’d talked about my wedding and how she would fix my hair and make-up. We’d planned the colors of the bridesmaid dresses and the bouquets of flowers she would arrange. We’d talked about her making the christening gown for my children to wear the day they were dedicated in this church. So many plans were made. So many dreams were cast sitting on her front porch drinking sweet tea and eating sugar cookies.
The casket was a lovely marble white with pink lining. She would have loved it. She loved pink. The massive spray of white and pink roses that lay over the bottom half of the casket would have delighted her. Those rose bushes she babied and cooed over every spring and summer had been one of her life’s joys. I wanted to thank everyone who had sent her the large flower bouquets lining the church walls, especially the ones with roses.
A warm trickle fell from my chin and splashed against my hand. I reached up with my free hand and wiped at my face, but it was pointless. Tears were streaming down my cheeks now. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
“I won’t leave you but you need to go on up and say your goodbyes. I’ll stand right here behind you,” Beau whispered from beside me.
Since I’d walked into those familiar double doors tonight I’d had a tight knot in my chest, making it hard to breathe deeply. Now, as I stood here getting ready to say goodbye to the woman I loved so dearly, a peace settled over me. I released the tight grip I had on Beau’s hand and stepped forward.
She was smiling. I was glad she was smiling. She smiled a lot. They’d used her make-up. I’d know that color of ripe raspberry lipstick anywhere. The smell of roses was thick, reminding me even more of the afternoons we’d sat outside her house talking.
“They dressed you in your favorite dress,” I whispered as I stared down at her still body. “And they used your make-up. Although you do a better job putting it on. The eye shadow is a little too dark. Whoever put it on apparently doesn’t know about the less is more rule.”
It was odd talking to her like this. She would have chuckled at the make-up comment. We’d have concocted a scheme to give the morgue beauticians or whoever put make-up on the recently deceased a lesson in the art of ‘putting on your face’. The corners of my mouth lifted.
“Remember when we talked about how we hoped we got to hang around earth long enough to be at our own funerals? Well, in case you convinced God of this idea and you’re here somewhere listening,” I paused and swallowed the sob threatening to escape, “if you’re here . . . I love you. I miss you. I’m going to think of you every day, and all those plans we had, I’m going to keep them. Just promise you’ll be there. Promise you’ll convince the big guy to let you come back down to visit.”
This time a sob made it past my lips. I covered my mouth and dropped my head as the memories washed over me. Knowing this was the last time I’d ever see her again tore through my chest. A comforting arm wrapped around me and pulled me up against his hard chest. Beau didn’t say anything to comfort me. He just let me get this last goodbye out the only way I knew how. When the tears subsided and the ache in my chest seemed to ease I lifted my head to stare up at him.
“I’m a firm believer God doesn’t snatch you right up and haul you off to heaven. I think he lets you say your goodbyes. And your Grana wouldn’t have gone anywhere until she got this goodbye in.” I let out a small laugh and nodded. He was right of course. Even God couldn’t have moved her if she wasn’t ready.
“Bye, Grana,” I whispered one last time.
“You ready?” Beau asked, lacing his fingers through mine.
I turned and walked back down the aisle while nodding and speaking to others who were making their way to pay their condolences. Beau stood quietly and patiently beside me. I noticed several people flick their gaze curiously up at the town’s black sheep stationed beside me. Thi
s would be all over town before the night was over. Somehow that didn’t matter right now. Beau had been my friend since he’d pulled my hair on the playground and I in return grabbed his hand and twisted his arm behind his back. After the preschool teacher corrected us both and threatened to call our parents Beau had looked over at me and asked, “Want to sit by me and my cousin at lunch?”
They could all talk. Beau had come to my rescue when I needed it the most. He might not be the perfect citizen but Grana always said perfect was boring. She would love that I’d snubbed my nose at the gossiping betties at her funeral. I glanced back over my shoulder, smiling. She was here somewhere and I could almost hear her laughter as I walked out of the church holding Beau’s hand.
Beau
“I don’t know that they will ever recover from that,” I said as I held open my truck door and helped Ashton inside.
“What?” she asked, frowning down at me.
Did she really not know what I was referring to or was she trying to act like it was no big deal? Because it was a big deal. My showing up tonight was a step I’d taken knowing Sawyer would find out about it. I hadn’t cared about the repercussions. I just couldn’t stand the idea of Ashton having no one but people who had no idea what she was going through or feeling surround her. She had needed me.
“They’ll talk, Ash,” I said carefully, waiting to see if she’d just been so broken over her Grana that she hadn’t thought about the statement we had made walking out of the church together.
She shrugged her shoulders. “So. That’s what they do, Beau. They talk. They’ll get over it.”
