by James Hunt
They distract as I try to find the answer!
I don't like tripping with non-trippers.
Maybe there should be a tax on it or something,
as far as I can tell I’m back into my video game on the stage.
Whaaaaaaaaat is going on in here?
Will you enjoy me?
What does that even mean?”
-Fingers Are Actors
02/07/08
james. Damnit. He is such an ass hole. Why can't he stop doing drugs for me? He used to do anything for me... I don't understand what I am doing wrong. Well first, I should probably explain why he is doing this, or, well... why he WAS doing this. The whole drug thing I mean. I guess I kinda fucked up... I met this guy while I was working at a pizza buffet... his name is Gary. He was so strange. I mean in a good way... he was VERY sarcastic. I couldn't tell if he was flirting with me or not, but I can't help it when I think someone is flirting with me. This is hard to admit, but... when someone pays attention to me, I feel weird... like in a good way... My sisters always got all the attention when I was growing up. Kerri was the pretty one, and Lisa was the cool one. I was just the band geek with no personality. So when someone cool shows an interest... I just can't help it. I know it’s kind of needy, but... whatever.... Gary was nice. He was bigger, and stronger than james, so that was nice too. I used to call him almost every night for a while. I'd ignore james' calls, even though Gary would tell me to answer it... see how sweet he was? james started to notice I wasn't paying much attention to him though. I mean yeah, I guess it would be hard not to notice, considering we used to txt each other every few minutes or so. I either had nothing better to do, or I was worried he would forget I still cared about him and he'd go and cheat on me or something. I was jealous of everything. I'm pretty sure he was the same way though. We were both just dumb high school kids who thought we knew what love was. We didn't. We used to fight all the time. He could be such an ass hole and say things he knew would hurt me. I said some dumb things too... but he can really hurt with what he says. He just has a way with his words. He was good at getting his way too. I don't know... but anyway... Gary and I. I would take him home from work sometimes, cuz he lost his license. I forget why... probably speeding or something. He was exciting. Unique. Deep.
[JUST FOR THE RECORD, I STRICTLY THOUGHT IT WAS A FRIENDSHIP UNTIL THAT WEEK AFTER THEY BROKE UP.]
And he was into ME!!! Then the day came when james and I were supposed to go to homecoming or some dance like that. We got into a big fight and he said not to even bother going over to his house... which I didn't mind, cuz I wanted to talk to Gary anyway. At this point james was so depressed, for some reason he moved his bed from his room into the middle of the living room. Right in front of his TV, surrounded by couches. There was no answer for it. He lived on his bed. You could see chip and ice cream stains among the gross stains he never washed off.
[That's weird, 'gross stains,' everything I think to say about it sounds sarcastic though.]
I wasn't really enjoying the sex anymore, I started to fake orgasms and I never called out his name anymore... I didn't feel the same about him anymore. I think he knew it. Maybe that’s why he was so depressed. He rented entire seasons of shows like Six Feet Under and watched them straight from the time he got home from school or work until he had to go back to school or work. He wasn't sleeping and it was starting to show. He lost all interest in his appearance and I'd show up at his house and he'd be lying around on his bed watching some stupid show in his work clothes from the night before. That would piss me off... why would I want to fuck someone who hasn't bathed or even changed after washing hours worth of stinky dishes??? I did it anyway... but it was just gross thinking about it. We'd become too accustomed to being with each other, to screwing, but it was more mechanical than anything. He would look into my eyes and I'd have to look away.
[That’s fucked up...]
It killed me... I could see him dying on the inside when I did it. We had been together for more than two years at this point, and I hated what he was becoming. He always begged me to come over to his house completely unannounced, but I never did... except this one time, when I was taking Gary home. I came to the door praying he wouldn't answer it in his boxers or something. He was so excited when he saw me, then he looked completely disgusted when he saw Gary standing behind me. He was polite to him, offered him some Mountain Dew and they talked about the weird gothic kids james sat with at lunch. Anyway... HOMECOMING! Heh... so james and I get into this huge fight and I don't talk to him all night and he calls me up and leaves a message saying that we really need to talk. I told Gary that he was probably going to break up with me, and I was kind of... excited... So was Gary.
[Not true…? I don’t even remember anymore...]
I was ready to try something different. Sure enough, he broke up with me. I did my best to pretend I cared more, but he knows me so well he probably could see through it all. He was really hurt. I really did care about him, I didn't want him to suffer... but I needed something different. He was just getting too depressing for me... I already have a hard enough time fighting off my own depression. Anyway... I went over to Gary's house a couple times and I tickled him and we ended up making out.
[That’s so fucked up to hear out loud…anyways…the first time she actually came over she came over with Meagan, and she was doing that…and Meagan called her a slut, I believe…then the second time she came alone…and she came to play guitar hero but we never did…just wrestled and tickled each other and made out. The way it was affecting her was weird for me. She was dry humping me. She wanted sex. We didn’t do it that night…after her building everything up, she decided she didn’t want to. The second “date” was too early, haha. I was completely fine with that. I thought it was fucked up (yet cool for me) in the first place.]
It was nice... weird, cuz it wasn't what I was used to at all, but nice. Then one time I went over there and Gary convinced me to drink a Sparks. Its great, an alcoholic energy drink. I drank half of it and I think I felt weird, cuz I was acting kinda weird, but that night I let him touch me.
[The first time she drank she drove us to work and was really excited about how awesome driving was feeling like that. Work was the best day of work ever. We screamed everything. There was this old man who stopped and happily yelled “Yay!!!” and then told us that he loved it every time we said it.]
It felt okay, cuz I think Gary really cared about me, and that was nice. I felt a little guilty though.
[The first time was THE night, the night james was hanging out with Daniel and ran out of the house to meet me for the first since he and Kristal had broken up. She was supposed to be staying with Kerri, so Kerri was covering for it. Kristal was really sexually aggressive and I think I just really sucked. She was my first intimate experience that was ever actually supposed to mean anything – I was actually sober. But it didn’t. Apparently, she just wanted to fuck… because she left me for james.]
Anyway, I mentioned this whole Sparks deal to james one time when he called me for no apparent reason other than to brag about something dumb that was supposed to make me jealous or something. He was livid. I loved it. He was jealous. If past experience with james has taught me anything, he would soon fight like hell to get me back or make a huge deal about it. Then Gary told me james had talked to him in school. It pissed me the hell off... Gary said he asked james if he was hung over or something, and apparently he was just looked strung out cuz he had eaten five Benadryls the night before. I was sooo pissed, why the fuck would he do that?! That is NOT like him at all! He was too smart to be doing drugs, damnit. I vaguely remember calling him up and bitching him out about becoming a druggy or something. Childish mind games, I know. This is so dumb... but anyway.... james was talking to Gary more and more. He apparently became friends with a lot of Gary's friends, including Daniel. One day when I was at work, he went to the skate park with Macaroni who gave him a sparks and he called me and left a message prete
nding to be really drunk and thanking me for telling him about Sparks. I WAS FURIOUS! Gary was at work with me and calmed me down, and we made fun of james the rest of the night. Gary's sister had just died from a hospital mistake... he seemed unphased by it... but more distant than usual. When we got off work this same night we sat out in the parking lot and talked, where he started crying and told me he loved me. He loved me. I felt so... something... that night, I went home with him... and we... well... you know... did it...
[FUCKIN'…what the fuck made me say that, you know?! FUCK!]
.................well this was a week after james broke up with me. I felt ok about it though. Gary said he loved me. That’s all that mattered. Its funny, both james and Gary have told me that that night was somehow revolutionary, calling it THE night. I guess it was the first night Daniel met Devon and, I don't know... some other weird stuff happened, it seems to only make sense when they're fucked up. But I don't care about all that. james and I became friends again. He promised he had nothing but good intentions, and simply wanted someone to talk to. That was okay with me. The next week or so, james threw a big party at his house. I got the invite after I already drank a bunch of Sparks with Gary, but I went for a few minutes anyway. It was weird, james had rearranged his entire house and was standing in the middle of this big group of people entertaining them and making them laugh as he drank a beer... I hated seeing him drink, it was sad, like something in him had died. Ari was there... I hated her. I know james had a thing for her at one point. She was laughing at his jokes. I felt sick all of a sudden and just sat there, hunched over the side of one of the sofas I had been fucked on soooo many times. Gary took me home after we had sex a couple times and he went back to the party. Gary said james was being weird and asked him if I was putting out.... A couple days after this I heard james had been drinking cough syrup with Gary's friends Daniel, Macaroni, and Ratzel. Whatever... at this point I didn't care what other stupid stuff he got himself into, Gary and I just made fun of all of them for doing stupid shit like that. One time james called me when he was tripping on that stuff... he was so open and excited about everything. He was so happy. It was weird. I hadn't heard him like that in a very long time. He just kept talking and talking, and it was about pleasant things... some of it I didn't understand, but it was nice to hear him so excited. Gary didn't like that we were talking again. So he kept close to him. To make sure he wasn't up to anything weird. I had told him stories about how james went completely nuts and messed with this kid I had a small crush on once. I told him james was crafty and manipulative. On this one morning after a night Gary, james and Daniel were drinking, I got a call from Gary, and he was obviously more messed up than just drunk – it was like five in the morning. I could hear james laughing oddly in the background. I figured out they had all robo tripped. I was irritated but I didn't really care too much. I mean, its just cough syrup after all, pretty innocent really. Gary told me he didn't want to, and even went as far as offering to go and buy them both an eight ounce each if they would stop trying to get him to do it. They had beaten him down though – I guess they are very convincing together. I wondered why james would even want to trip with Gary after everything he'd been through with me, but, whatever... it was kind of exciting having two boys “fighting” over me, but I really didn't want james to know I was sleeping with Gary. I know it was probably wrong to enjoy something like that, but I had never had attention like it before. So they finally got him to drink Robotussin with them and he just fell asleep while they fucked off. Then when they finally got him to wake up, about 3 hours before school started, and Gary realized he had math homework to do. He and james attempted to finish it, and it took them the whole three hours to complete five relatively simple math problems. I thought it was kinda funny, dumb, but funny, I guess. I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with how close Gary and james were becoming. They had once said that the robo stuff is kinda like truth serum, and that made me nervous. This went on for a really long time, he and james were constantly fighting for my attention, but I seemed to be gravitating more toward james again. I just couldn't see myself ending up with Gary, I mean, he is nice and very interesting, but I just didn't see it. I still pictured myself moving to Colorado with james for college. Then one day when james was tripping with Daniel he texted me an entire note I had written to him the day after we made love the first time.... it broke my heart. I felt like I made a horrible mistake and realized I had hurt him – us – really bad. He still didn't know Gary and I had been sleeping together, though. I told Gary that night at work he and I had to take a break. He was very upset. Apparently Gary called james up crying, and told him he had won.
[Did I say that? Fuck Me.]
Poor Gary... I never wanted to hurt him either. What happened next fucked everything up between all three of us. The next day james stayed home from school, again, tripping with Daniel, again, as some sort of 'victory trip' or something stupid. Gary left school early and headed over to james' house. He got there and, james must have been acting smug about the whole situation because Gary said, “Well, she told me that we need to take a break... I don't really know what that means, maybe just a break from the sex?” Then he told james not to freak out when he realized he didn't know.
[Okay here... I remember it was james, Daniel and I tripping for whatever reason. In the morning we were getting ready for school…or I think I was just going to drive Daniel to school or something…and we were just sitting there talking…and james was like, “well at least you guys didn’t have sex!” or something like that…and Daniel and I looked at each other and laughed…and I was like “actually…” and then james went crazy. We didn’t go to school because of it.]
I've wondered if Gary actually didn't know that james didn't know, but then james smiled and stared off into the distance and just passed out. Gary just sat there not really knowing what to do. Then james started convulsing and yelling random things, Gary and Daniel tried to get him to sit up and talk, but he freaked out and ran to his room where he collapsed on the floor and crawled to a wall and started smashing his head against it. He was yelling, “NO! NO! IT’S A LIE! SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME!” Apparently this went on for half an hour, until he crawled under the table in the kitchen, crying hysterically. Then just when Gary and Daniel were gonna call someone to help, he stood up and walked to his room, completely somber. He came back into the living room and he was holding a big piece of metal in his right hand. Gary said he thought james was going to try to kill him, but then he raised his left hand, which was holding a framed picture of james and I at prom. He smashed it to pieces, then took the picture out and set it on fire on the kitchen counter. He was pretty mad. Then the first conspiracy against me by james and Gary was planned and executed. I got a call from james later that night insisting I come over to his house.
[She and I were gonna go see a movie, remember? And I thought it would be awesome if she ditched me to go to james’ house. And she did. I was pissed.]
When I arrived at the house and walked in, Tech Romance by Her Space Holiday, a song I really liked at the time but can't listen to ever again, was playing and james looked very innocent. He held out his arms and held me close. I couldn't take it anymore, I started crying. “I have something I need to tell you,” I said in between sniffles. Just then, a noise from behind me. I spun around to find Gary coming out of the coat closet and he was screaming, “DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL HIM.” I started shaking all over. I couldn't focus on anything. I looked for an escape. There was none. I looked to james, and his innocence had disappeared and all I could see was twisted rage – a side of him I never thought possible. I'd awakened something terrible in him. I was scared. I'd never been this scared before in my life. Gary threw a bunch of drumsticks at me and squirted lubricant all over me. He also threw a few opened condoms at me. I needed out. They were screaming at me and I ran to the kitchen. I tried to run out the garage door but james grabbed my wrist, with force. I'd never seen jam
es physically forceful like this before. He held me there, and I will never forget what he said to me. “WHY? JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHY! I THINK I KNOW WHY! YOU GOT BORED OF ME, YOU JUST NEEDED A NEW COCK TO FUCK!” I didn't know what to do. I slapped him across the face as hard as I could. Something inside of both of us died right then and there. Gary just sat back and watched with a weird grin on his face. I shook james off and ran out the door. I could barely see where I was going, my vision so warped by tears. I drove home, and on the way I called Gary. They put me on speakerphone where james told me to drive into a tree when I asked them what I should do to make it better. I just wanted out. I'd never felt so low before. The rest of the day was a reply of those ten minutes, over and over. The next night I got a call from them, they were drunk... very drunk. They told me to sneak out of my house and they picked me up. I don't know why I went. I think I felt I deserved whatever they were going to do to me. They took me back to Gary's apartment, even though there was a huge party going on at james'. There they raped me... not literally... but the closest thing I'd ever experienced to it. They touched me all over... calling me awful names... but I deserved it... so I just sat there... I took it all... Then I had had enough and sat outside on the front step and cried and cried. james eventually came out and showed some sign of sympathy. He still told me I deserved much more, to which I could not object. Then Gary got tired of this, so he and james drove me home. On the way Gary mentioned to james how he had gotten me off just by dry humping and insisted I said that had never happened before. I remember saying it, but I told james it wasn't true. I lied. It was my only way out. Gary did not approve. Then I witnessed for the first time, the extent of Gary's rage. He screamed, “OH WHAT THE FUCK!” And slammed on the breaks. I can't handle people yelling 'fuck,' it gives me flashbacks to this night. We came to a screeching halt, right there in the middle of the highway. He yelled at me to get out. I pleaded with him to not make me walk home, and even looked to james for some kind of way out of this. He looked at me and I think he was just as shocked and scared for me as I was. I got out of the truck. And they drove off into the night. It was probably about two in the morning, if not later. I walked for an hour in the dark to my house, where I had to climb into my window alone and cry myself to sleep. I woke up to find a txt from james, which apologized for everything and said he hoped I had made it home okay. He said he'd never seen Gary that mad and was too scared to stop him from leaving me in the road, said he thought he was going to run me over. I didn't care about anything anymore, I just wanted james back... I blew it... I know I didn't deserve it, but I wanted – needed – to feel loved again. I didn't mean to hurt them. Well... long story short james was going behind Gary's back to talk to me, since they had made a pact to not talk to me anymore. When Gary found out he was furious. He punched james in the face and broke his front teeth in half when they were drunk. James cried like a girl and called Gary's mom and told her if she didn't pay for the dental bills that he would call the cops on him... They seriously act like little kids now, it's because of the cough syrup, I know it. But anyway, james forgave him, and Gary got over james's ridiculous way of handling the situation... cuz they robotripped together... of course. Then things just deteriorated from there and james got more and more into drugs, even though he had gotten me back. It wasn't about me anymore... Then he got new friends after Gary and Daniel stopped talking to him – when he shit himself at a party from bonging vodka and fucked me in Daniel's bed the next day – which were even worse than Daniel and Gary. He was doing drugs with Zach and Phil almost every day then. They called themselves the voices of their generation. Said he was going to be big someday. Called themselves 'Robotkids' or something retarded. I got so many promises he was going to stop only to find he was doing drugs behind my back. He would sometimes pretend he was that guy from Fear and Loathing, Johnny Depp's character, and it was really pathetic. He's going to end up a failure in life, or dead.
