by Laura Ziepe
You’re way too skinny. I preferred you when you were bigger. Time to stop the dieting now. She would never get over how people felt they could tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing when it came to her weight. It was up to her, surely?
Not as pretty as you think.
Some comments stung. They really, really hurt and there were days when Emma felt like she’d had enough of it all. Couldn’t take another malicious remark. They got her down and made her feel rubbish about herself. Worthless and insecure. It didn’t matter how many nice and lovely comments she received, it was always the bad ones that stuck. It was always these ones that would whirl around her mind all day long and make her wonder if that person was actually right.
Emma was brought back to the present and turned to Frankie. ‘There’s pros and cons I guess. It’s not as easy as it seems sometimes. It takes over my life a bit.’
‘Still, you get free stuff as well as holidays though, don’t you? I know Charlie was chuffed when you both got sent all that sportswear recently. He was saying how he managed to convince the company to send him some too,’ he laughed. ‘Always manages to wrap people round his little finger, that one.’
Emma forced a laugh, but she felt a little rattled by the comment. She wasn’t aware that Charlie had persuaded the company to send him clothes too. He’d told her that they’d offered and she rarely checked her emails; she had always trusted everything that Charlie told her.
Frankie continued, oblivious to Emma’s troubled expression. ‘When people click your links and purchase the same outfits you wore, you get money for it, when essentially all you’ve had to do is post a photo. It’s pretty cool,’ Frankie reminded her. ‘And it’s far more interesting than a lot of people’s jobs.’
Emma nodded and smiled warmly at him. Frankie was always so upbeat and complimentary. They had always got on from the first day they’d met. Emma felt truly comfortable around Frankie as soon as they’d been introduced and could honestly say he was one of the nicest guys she knew. A great friend. He was a couple of years younger than Charlie, being twenty-eight, but he and Charlie were really close. She was pleased Frankie was going to be part of the ceremony; it wouldn’t have felt right without him being involved somehow. Especially seeing as he was such a great help and support with the wedding. Charlie often told Emma how much Frankie looked up to him. He was the closest cousin Charlie had, and Frankie had sadly lost his father to cancer when he was only twelve. Charlie thought he was the older male relative Frankie needed in his life, though he sometimes made unpleasant remarks about Frankie being like an annoying little brother, which Emma ignored.
‘So things didn’t work out with you and Marie then?’ Emma enquired in a gentle voice.
Frankie cleared his throat and shook his head. ‘Nah. I wasn’t ever really sure about her if you know what I mean?’ He paused for a moment. ‘She was a bit too materialistic for my liking. Always hinting for me to buy her some designer bag or another and telling me what her friends’ boyfriends were buying them. I felt like she wanted to be with me for all the wrong reasons. It was never a serious relationship and I called it a day. She was impressed that you were marrying my cousin,’ he let out a little laugh. ‘I think she follows you on Instagram and is one of your fans. Said something about a lovely bag you had or something once.’
Emma closed her eyes for a moment, feeling embarrassed. She struggled to hear people use the word ‘fans’ and always found herself feeling so awkward. ‘Oh god. Yes, sorry, maybe I’m to blame for some of the bags she likes,’ she chortled. ‘I always tag my bags in the photos I post. I get sent some for free, but my expensive designer ones I saved up for myself. Everyone is allowed a little treat from time to time, aren’t they? I’d never expect Charlie to fork out for them though; if I want anything I make sure I buy it myself. I’ve just always been like that.’
‘You’re a hard worker. Independent, and I admire you for that. I guess that’s where you and Marie were very different.’
‘She was very pretty,’ Emma recalled, thinking of her beautiful long red hair and bright blue eyes.
‘Yes, but looks aren’t enough, are they? When you like someone and have a real connection, you just know don’t you?’ His hazel eyes burned into hers and feeling the atmosphere shift slightly, Emma looked away quickly. She wasn’t even sure why.
It took her back to a time when Charlie disappeared on a night out. They were together in a group and Frankie had been there too. There had been a few other couples as well as some of Charlie’s single mates. They’d been drinking in a London bar and after a few hours, the other couples had left.
‘You don’t mind if me and the boys go on to a club, do you Em?’ Charlie had asked. His voice was slurring and Emma knew it was going to be difficult to reason with him. They were an hour and a half from home. Emma had to get up early the next morning to be bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding, which he was supposed to be accompanying her to. They hadn’t planned for a heavy night and Emma really didn’t like the thought of getting the train back all alone.
‘Charlie,’ she said in her sweetest, most placatory voice, ‘we need to be up early. Are you actually going to leave me to get back home all on my own? I don’t want to ruin your fun …’
‘Then don’t,’ Charlie had glared at her. ‘Come with us,’ he suggested.
He knew she wouldn’t. He was fully aware that she wasn’t going to go to a nightclub until the early hours when she had to get up early the next day to get to the wedding venue. She didn’t want to be tired and hungover. They’d been together for nearly a year and though Charlie had started out being the most attentive and considerate boyfriend in the world, he had slowly started to change as he became more comfortable in their relationship. Not for the good either.
‘It’s okay, I’m heading back,’ Frankie had butted in, overhearing the conversation. ‘I’ll come back with you, Em,’ he’d offered sweetly.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to go out with the others?’ Emma had repeatedly asked him before they’d left. ‘Please don’t come back just because of me. I’d hate for you to miss out.’
‘I really don’t fancy waking up with a hangover, honestly. I’m more than happy to go back. I’m using you as a bit of an excuse,’ he’d told her, ‘you’re actually doing me a favour.’
‘I can’t believe Charlie wanted to just leave me to get home on my own,’ Emma had tutted when they’d sat in the empty carriage on the train. ‘I really do wonder about him sometimes.’ They were already engaged. Emma wasn’t blind to Charlie’s faults, but she did love him, regardless. He had helped become the successful influencer she now was, and she would always be so thankful for that. At this stage in her life she couldn’t flit from one man to the next like she used to anyway. She needed to grow up and settle down if she ever wanted a family. She’d always told herself that her standards were too high. No man was perfect.
‘He wouldn’t have left you if you hadn’t had gone with him and I wasn’t coming back,’ Frankie said, but she could tell by his doubtful and concerned expression that he wasn’t actually sure about that. Emma hadn’t believed him either. ‘He’s a good guy, Emma. I know he can be a bit moody at times, and probably difficult to live with, but he really does love you,’ he told her seriously. ‘He’s lucky to have you and he knows that.’
Frankie had looked at her in such a way that made Emma felt slightly vulnerable and shy at that point, and she remembered looking out of the train window , unable to look him in the eye a moment longer. Frankie didn’t know the Charlie that Emma did, but she didn’t want to tell him that.
Emma blinked several times as the flashback disappeared, her eyes focusing on Charlie walking over holding the cocktail jug and pouring Emma another drink.
‘God, it’s sweltering in this heat, isn’t it?’ he said, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. ‘Can you put some suncream on my back, Em?’ he asked.
‘Sure,’ Emma replied, putting down her drink. ‘Having fun?
’ she asked him in a cheery voice.
‘I’m going to have a look at the food menu,’ Frankie said, walking off.
‘Yes, it’s great, isn’t it? I’m so glad we decided to get married here. It was a good choice,’ he pointed out. ‘Where you off for your hen night tonight?’
Emma rubbed cream into his hot skin. ‘I’m not entirely sure; Fran and Danni have arranged it all and made sure with Frankie that we won’t be bumping into each other.’
He turned around and kissed her. ‘Perfect. Can’t be meeting up on our last night of freedom, can we?’
‘Wow, when you say it like that it seems so hard to believe, doesn’t it?’ Emma replied, it suddenly dawning on her that she wasn’t going to be Emma Langford for much longer. In four days’ time she would be Emma Quinton.
‘Not long Emma and you’re all mine,’ Charlie remarked. It wasn’t said in a particularly jokey kind of way though and Emma was unsure what to say back to him.
Just like the bad comments on her Instagram feed that she focused on, it didn’t matter how nice Charlie could be at times, how lovely he looked in front of other people, Emma was nervous. After all, Charlie had another side to him that only she knew about. A side where he wasn’t the perfect, loving gentleman that he liked the rest of the world to believe him to be. That was the side of him that she couldn’t get out of her head.
Chapter 8
Kim
Kim was enjoying herself. She was actually having fun and even though she wasn’t certain if she was drunk yet, she knew she was definitely on her way. It was a foreign feeling. It felt good. What was it about the summer sun that made alcohol go straight to your head? It was either that or she really had turned into a lightweight like Holly often teased. This would hardly be surprising seeing as she never really drank any more. It was all about the kids, and having a few drinks, then getting woken up at the crack of dawn, or worse, in the middle of the night, just wasn’t worth it. The dry mouth, splitting headache and irritable mood she had after drinking was twice as bad when you had a teething baby and demanding toddler to take care of. It was bad enough in her child-free days; Kim never really did get away lightly. Not like Holly had always seemed to, waking up brightly and chatting away like there was no tomorrow.
‘How do you manage it?’ Kim recalled saying croakily one morning when they were on holiday after a heavy night out.
‘What?’ Holly asked, mystified, applying a full face of make-up. ‘How do I manage what?’ She looked stupefied.
‘To just act so full of energy and life,’ Kim had groaned. ‘You even look nice. I feel like death and I’m certain I look it too. You just don’t get hangovers like I do.’
Today though, she could drink until her heart was content. Sod it. Her only plans were looking at flowers and going on a hen do. It wouldn’t matter if Kim woke up with a hangover tomorrow. For the first time since booking her summer trip, Kim was actually relaxing and getting into the Vegas spirit. There were no children to wake her up the next day and if she wanted to stay in bed until four o’clock tomorrow, then so be it. Seeing the others show up had made her realize that she should be making an effort to get more involved. She didn’t want to be seen as the boring, sensible one of the group Who knew when or if she would ever get to visit Vegas again? Everyone seemed so free and excited; it reminded Kim of her younger years, when she, Holly and Emma used to go on girls’ holidays together. She needed to make the most of it before she went home and became ‘mum’ again. Being here in Vegas was only highlighting how much Kim had altered since having Mylo and Willow. Kim and Andy had only been married for six months when she accidently fell pregnant – they’d had so many other plans.
‘I want to travel,’ Kim had told him, wrapping her arms him and kissing him on the neck. ‘Come on Andy, let’s go everywhere. Australia, New Zealand, Bali; there’s so many places we need to see.’
‘What about work? What about money? I thought we were going to save to buy a house?’ Andy had questioned. They were currently living in a one-bedroom apartment, but the dream was to buy a house with a garden. Andy’s lips had been curving at the edges when he spoke, and Kim had known he liked the idea of going away and that she could have easily persuaded him. She could see the rebellious glint in his eye.
‘There will be others schools you can work at when you get back!’ Kim had told him energetically. ‘We will save after our trip. We should book some flights; the sooner we leave this cold weather the better. It will be the trip of a lifetime.’
Andy had kissed her on the lips. ‘The thought of some sun does sound good,’ he’d agreed dreamily. ‘Let me see what I can do.’
Kim had squealed in delight. But only a month or so after, not long after Holly announced she was having a baby, Kim’s period was late and she had started to feel nauseous. She’d put it down to drinking too much and late nights after work, but when the feeling wouldn’t shift, Kim began to worry.
It was a well-known fact that Kim could be negligent and unorganized and she knew she didn’t always manage to remember to take her pill every day. She’d always seemed to get away with it though. She never thought it would happen to her. Seeing the two blue lines appear when she took the test just to rule it out had made Kim feel even more sick. They didn’t want a baby at that point in their lives, and she felt an incredible sense of guilt and disappointment that she’d messed it all up. Such a simple mistake, with huge consequences. She pictured Andy’s uncomfortable expression when she’d told him the news.
‘How has this happened?’ he’d asked in disbelief, before pointing out, ‘you’re on the pill.’
Kim had clenched her teeth, wondering how to tell him she’d slipped up. It was her fault that their amazing travel plans were going to be ruined. She’d really hoped that Andy would be happy with the news. So they weren’t going to travel the world, but they were going to have their own little adventure! They were going to be parents! It made it all the more fun that Holly was pregnant too; their children would be friends. ‘I guess I missed one or two pills last month,’ she explained helplessly. ‘It’s easily done, Andy.’ She saw him throw his eyes upwards, as though it was so typical of her. She guessed it was really. It was only the month before that he’d commented how careless she was when she hadn’t paid a parking fine within the timeframe allocated and the price had doubled. ‘Say something then,’ she pleaded. ‘Are you angry?’
Andy had walked over to her slowly and took her in his arms. She rested her head on his chest. Her big, cuddly bear. ‘Of course I’m not angry,’ he said slowly. ‘Just shocked, that’s all. We’re not ready for this. It will be fine though,’ he exhaled. ‘Of course everything will be fine.’
As soon as she’d got over the shock, Kim had started to become excited about the prospect of being a mother. She’d beamed in amazement when she felt the first kicks, rushing to wherever Andy was in the house to let him feel it.
‘Isn’t that just the most incredible thing, Andy?’
He’d give a little nod, not quite sharing her enthusiasm. ‘Yeah. I’m not too sure I felt it though.’
Kim could have sworn Mylo deliberately stopped moving the moment Andy felt her stomach.
Andy did perk up about it towards the end of her pregnancy, but Kim always felt a sense of blame because if she’d remembered to take her pill, they would have had their baby when the time was right and he was ready. But who knew when the time would ever be right? They loved each other deeply and they were married, so what did it matter if it had happened earlier than planned?
Kim told herself that she was going to be the best mother there was. She wanted to breastfeed and smother her baby with love. She would be the one getting up when he or she cried. She was going to make sure that Andy didn’t need to worry about any of those things.
When Kim had experienced some sharp pains in her stomach one evening, she’d gone straight to the doctors the following morning. Her doctor hadn’t seemed alarmed in the slightest when Kim told hi
m she was still feeling the baby move, and he put it down to Braxton Hicks.
He’d smiled warmly at her, looking amused, as though it was sweet this little first-time mother was concerned about such an everyday, trivial thing like Braxton Hicks.
‘Just rest as much as you can before your baby gets here!’ he’d advised.
Andy had also been insistent that she put her feet up as much as possible but Kim just hadn’t been able to sit still. When she hadn’t been going up to London to work in her admin job, she was tidying and clearing things out. Just after that doctor’s appointment, they’d purchased a new cot. Andy had been in a rush to meet his friends and he left it in the boot of the car telling Kim he would get it out in the morning and put it together. But Kim had another idea: she wanted to attempt to make the cot as a surprise. She’d always been quite good at DIY. She actually enjoyed it. So she’d watched Andy drive away in the taxi and opened the car boot to get the cot out. It had been heavier than she thought, and she did remember thinking when she got it halfway up the stairs to their apartment that she probably shouldn’t have been carrying it so heavily pregnant. But she’d never wanted to feel like being pregnant was a big deal. She wasn’t ill after all.
When Kim had felt the water trickling down her leg as she carried it over the last step, she recalled the feeling of horror that pulsed through her: What have I done? She’d been thirty-three weeks’ pregnant. This was too early.
She could hardly breathe and steadied herself against the wall as she pushed their apartment door open, searching for her mobile to call the ambulance as well as Andy.
On the way to the hospital, Kim couldn’t help but blame herself for her premature labour. Had she been doing too much? She should never have attempted to carry that cot, and despite everyone telling her it hadn’t brought on the early labour, she had always felt tremendous guilt. She hadn’t listened. She wasn’t resting. Had she made this happen?
‘Will the baby be okay?’ She had tried to sound calm when she was introduced to the midwife on arrival at the hospital, but her voice wobbled out of control.
