“Azaezal, go back to daddy. Go,” I say with a Pascal type flick of my wrist, hoping it will work because Alex really isn’t looking terribly friendly. He turns and licks my leg before barrelling out of the door at speed. I smile after him and picture the reunion with a sigh. Pascal might be an oddity but he has been a very decent man in his own eccentric way, and the fact is I can’t stop myself from feeling something close to love for him, regardless of his clear unadulterated perversions.
“What did he show you?” Alex says through gritted teeth as he scowls at me. I can feel my nose twitching as I try to work out what it was that Pascal did enlighten me to - power, force, anger, all encompassing control maybe.
“You, or at least something close to you, I think.” His quiet chuckle and softening face throw me as he gazes down at the floor again and shakes his head.
“You will never be ready for that, and I don’t want you to be. You shouldn’t have to feel my hatred or anger.” He’s damn right I shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t understand it.
“No, that’s why he’s offering himself to you and that’s why I’ve agreed to it.”
His head shoots up as bewildered blue eyes meet mine. Clear confusion flies across his face before he replaces it with another scowl of annoyance. I have no idea if it’s with himself or me.
“I don’t want you involved. He had no fucking right to draw you into this because it has nothing to do with you.”
I reel back into the seat at his tone and stifle the need to run from the room again. How could he try to exclude me from knowing this about him? Why would he even bother with any of it at all if he won’t show me all of him? My anger gets the better of me at his dismissal so I plant my feet again and stare down at him. If he loves me, he’s going to give me everything or it’s a no go as far as I’m concerned. Doesn’t he see that I have to show him how much I love him in my own way - at least try to give him something in return for all he’s given to me, to give him his peace?
“You don’t want me to love you, to cherish every part of you and show you how I feel about you regardless of your needs? You said I gave you peace. Don’t you want that anymore?”
“Christ, Elizabeth, you deserve more than witnessing that. You will be disgusted and rightly so. You are worth more than the demons that fuel me,” he replies as he pinches his brow. I can see his mind churning over as if he’s trying to decipher the code to breaking this stalemate. It could possibly be that he’s thinking about letting me go because he knows I won’t do this any other way.
“Well, tell me what you want to do then? Do you want to sneak off behind my back as and when you feel inclined and continue to hide this from me? Or do you think you can start being completely honest with me and just be what you are in the hope that I’ll love you for it?”
“I don’t know,” is his quiet response. It’s a little unsettling if I’m honest and I suddenly have no idea where his mind is at.
“I won’t accept something behind my back, you know that, don’t you? I told you I wanted to understand everything about you and I expect you to honour that. I won’t love you unless you give me everything,” I state firmly. He knows this. He promised me he would try and I expect him to man up and love me like he said he would. He fiddles with the knife again and stares at the floor as he presumably thinks of whatever it is he’s currently contemplating and my anxiety level climbs up another notch. He could finish this now. I could be pushing him too hard or something because we all know how fucking disturbed the man is when it comes to real emotions. I had hoped we’d gotten past it but now I gaze down at him, I’m wondering if he really has, if this depth of probing is just too much for him to cope with, let alone try to rectify.
“You left me.”
Okay, that pulled me back from my wandering thoughts. His eyes hit mine and I instantly see that little boy again, the worried one, the one who is struggling to understand any of this himself let alone explain it to me with any clarity. The need to lean forward and throw myself into his arms is so intense that I have to grip onto the one remaining chair arm to stop myself. I could so easily make this go away by just dropping down there and letting him guide us back to his version of okay, but it’s not enough. I need him to see that. I need him to open up again and fill me with honesty and love regardless of what I’ll see when he does.
“I didn’t leave you. I ran because you withheld something from me. You made me feel exposed and scared of who you are,” I reply, hoping he’s getting the message, hoping that he realises how much I need to be inside of his head so I can recognize every feeling he has before he knows them himself, because that’s what love is, isn’t it? Pure unadulterated honesty with each other, the ability to read minds and sense emotion without thought. His face continues to gaze at the floor until he eventually sucks in a long breath and blows out shakily.
“I’ve never been more afraid in my life. The thought of you leaving me is... I couldn’t breathe without you here. I couldn’t bear the thought of you running, and I…” He slowly reaches a hand forward and brushes my leg with his fingertips reverently. His touch is so gentle that I hardly feel it, as if he’s scared he’ll bruise me, but it’s everything I need from him. It’s perfect and tears begin to well at the thought of his panic. “You ran and I couldn’t fucking breathe.”
I’m on top of him before he has a chance to blink, running my fingers through his hair and reassuring myself that he’s okay, that we’re okay, that we can do this together and find a way to make this work. God knows if we actually can, but the thought that he’ll open up enough to let me in with him is overwhelming. His stunned blue eyes gaze back at me as the first small smile lifts the corners of his gorgeous mouth and his hands quietly find their way to my thighs. I draw my hands down his face and let them rest on his jaw, hoping that he’s with me, and hoping to Christ that I’ve got what it takes to endure whatever it is that I’m doing for him.
“I love you, Alex, but I need all of you regardless of how you think I’ll react. You have to trust me to love you enough. Not as someone beneath you but as someone who stands by your side and embraces everything you need,” I whisper as I place a small kiss on his lips. His arm wraps around my back as he pulls me fiercely towards him and instantly begins the devouring process that I was hoping for, the bond that will bring us back together and help us find our way through this. His sudden halting and pulling back from my mouth has me yearning for more as my body trembles above him, wanting so much to show him, touch him and feel him deep inside me where he belongs.
“I’m not sure how to do this. You’ll never understand, and I…” he says in shaky breaths as he stares straight into my soul and burns away any last remaining inch of doubt that we can make this work. Eyes so crystalline blue strip me of every other thought as I lean into him again to lay my lips across his with everything I have. I’ll take anything from him as long as he loves me, as long as he trusts me with his emotions and keeps us going forward.
“Just show me, Alex. Let me be part of it with you. Let me feel it all.”
I don’t get another word in because frantic hands are all over me, gripping on for dear life as he takes every last breath from me with his lips until neither of us have anything left to give with our tongues. Our frenzied attack is quickly becoming a desperate need to find each other again, cement our love and connect all the dots that bring us closer again, away from Pascal and back together, just the two of us, where we belong.
His hands find the back of my head while my fingers work his belt out of the loops so I can feel him as close as possible and satisfy this craving that is all consuming and fraught with need. With fingers fumbling and heaving panting as I try to rip the damn thing off him, he pushes my dress out of the way until I eventually grasp hold of his firm cock and lower myself onto him with a moan of pleasure. Every thought evaporates as he thrusts his hips up to intensify the feeling and pulls me down onto him. I’m almost instantly begging for faster and harder
but as his hands hold my hips still, I look up into his eyes and find every emotion I could ever want from him.
“Christ, I love you. Don’t ever run from me again. No matter what you see or feel, don’t run,” he says as he blows out a breath and tighten his fingers against my skin. Clearly trying to contain his movement as much as me, his soft eyes and warm heart sear through me as I rest my hands on his arms and grind down onto him. “I want this slow, baby. Just stay with me and take this slow.”
I smile back at him and nod as he moves me away from him then gently pulls me back to make his point very deliberately clear. So that’s what we do, right there on the office floor, to remind ourselves what this fucked up situation is really all about.
Love.
Chapter 26
Elizabeth
T rust. Honesty.
Staring down at my Italian bread dough with olives creation, I rip off another chunk to throw onto the baking sheets. I’ve been at it all morning, creating new stuff to try and take my mind off the fact that I still don’t know what was in that sodding envelope. It’s infuriating enough that I had absolutely no clue as to what my other half wanted out of his sex life, but now I can’t stop thinking about what else he’s hiding from me.
I’ve asked him repeatedly about that envelope and he always manages to shrug it off or change directions so masterfully that I’ve been unable to glean any information. Okay, so I’ve also been so all over the place about other things that I haven’t really tried that hard but it was delivered to me, and I do have a right to know, don’t I? I know he’s probably just trying to protect me from something but that’s not the point, and given my lack of understanding about his preferences, I’m now sure it’s got something to do with that. But I’ve seen it now, haven’t I? So he’s got no reason to hide it anymore, has he?
I want to know what’s in that envelope.
I haven’t seen him since Tuesday night and it’s now Thursday. He said he had to go to a meeting in Edinburgh of all sodding places yesterday, something to do with gas extraction and economic rejuvenation. What that’s got to do with his business I’m not sure but to be honest, I was thankful of the peace at home last night to try get my head around what happened.
After we made love on the office floor, he scooped me up and carried me all the way to the car, promising not to frighten me again, promising that he wouldn’t hide things from me again and that he’d give me everything if that’s what I really wanted. I wasn’t entirely sure at the time if I really did if I’m honest, and Pascal’s wink as we unfortunately passed him in the hall didn’t really help alleviate my nerves on the matter. Alex stiffened considerably and then gave one of his silent unnoticed nod things, and Pascal looked at the floor. I’m still not sure what any of that means. I should ask him really, given that I’m going to be in a room with the two of them again at some point. Not that it’ll be happening again anytime soon according to Alex because apparently I’m not ready. He’s possibly right, but it seems my inner slut is not in agreement with him in the slightest because my core is currently clenching even as I throw another dough ball onto the surface.
“Honey, James is here,” Belle shouts as Teresa rounds the corner with an empty basket from the front. I freeze mid throw and narrow my eyes at myself. I’ve called him in to ask him to come on board full time when we move to Defoe Point, which will more than likely be after Christmas but I haven’t spoken to Alex about it. He’s going to be pissed. I know he is, but James is the best person for the job and I have to think about the business.
“He’ll be okay about it eventually,” Teresa says softly as she rubs my arm, obviously reading my mind. She loads up some more croissants and heads back out. I smile after her and squash the guilt back down. I still feel like a cow about the Pascal situation.
“Hey, Beth, so what did you want to talk about?” James says as he walks in and jumps up on my very clean work surface. I glare over at him and wonder if he is the right person anymore. Of course he is.
“Hi, off the counters please.” He pouts at me and jumps down again. It’s cute. It always was but it’s ridiculous of a chef to get on surfaces. The fact that Alex and I messed about on the new one is neither here nor there. Besides, it was my work surface.
“Still being a nerd about cleanliness then?” Clearly not with the visions that are now racing through my head. I can’t stop my hands moving towards my throat and caressing the very spot that Alex rubbed himself into.
“Yes, and I’ll expect you to be if you say yes.” His very cute brow rises at me in anticipation.
“Yes to what exactly?”
“A full time position in the company. I need a secondary chef and I thought you’d be perfect if you’re interested.” His face lights up like a Christmas tree and then flattens again.
“I’m not being funny but how the hell do you expect two chefs to work in here full time?” he says as he scans the kitchen and stretches his arms wide. I giggle in response and reach for the brochure for the new building.
“I don’t. We’re moving after Christmas and I’m going to need all the help I can get.” I throw the paperwork at him and carry on with my dough. “Belle’s got a lot of new business and we’ll never manage it here so it’s time to expand.”
“Holy shit, that’s one mother of a building,” he exclaims as he scans the pictures. He hasn’t even seen the new interior yet. He’ll be in his own personal heaven when he does. “How the fuck did you manage this?”
“We got lucky.” It’s all I’ve got to give. I can’t even begin to tell him that Alex gave it to me, given his obvious dislike of the man. I’ve got to deal with Alex at some point as well so I really don’t want any more bad feeling in the mix.
“Really? Well that’s great, and yes I’d love to come on board with you. What’s the money?” Ah, James, professional as ever. Actually, he’d get on quite well with Alex if they gave each other ten minutes to talk pleasantly.
“Speak to Belle about all that. She’s got the contracts drawn up and everything’s ready to go so we just need a date when you could start,” I reply as I load the last of the baking sheets into the oven and try to think of a way to tell Alex about my decision. I must be frowning because James’ hand is suddenly on my shoulder and his face looks concerned.
“Are you okay, Beth? You do want this, right?”
“Yes, of course I do. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t. It’s just...”
I haven’t got a clue how to put this. How do you say to someone, “Alex thinks you want to fuck me and isn’t at all happy about it and I haven’t told him you’re going to be working for us so he’s probably going to have an explosion of some sort, and while we’re at it, he gave me the building so you’d better behave yourself around him and me.” Yeah, it’s really not that easy to say at all.
“He doesn’t know you’re asking me, does he?”
Do I have it written on my forehead or something?
“No,” I reply quietly as I stare at the oven and fiddle randomly with some buttons.
“Beth, you need to tell him. What happened between us was a while ago and he clearly doesn’t have anything to worry about so he needs to grow the fuck up. I don’t know the man but he seems to genuinely care for you so just stand your ground, and I promise I’ll only be a dick if he causes it, okay?” His soft chuckle makes me snigger in response. Why I couldn’t have fallen for someone as easy as him is beyond me.
Sod it, he’s right - my business, my decisions. I’ve had to put up with enough from him so he’ll just have to get over it. Besides, this dominant thing Pascal keeps pushing me toward seems to be working. I even feel like I’m turning into the man sometimes with the thoughts that cross my mind with regard to issues involving Alex, in a random novice type way anyway. Clearly I’ll never be as depraved as the man but he certainly knows what he’s doing around Alex so I might as well learn something from his rather interesting demeanour.
I still can’t picture it in its ent
irety but there’s no denying I’ve changed, or I am changing. Who it’s because of I’m no longer sure, but it definitely revolves around dealing with Mr. White and his preferences. I quite like this new version of myself. I feel empowered and enlightened, turned somehow into a more grown up version of my old self, stronger, more adamant in my wants somehow. Alex is just going to have to suck it up and act like a man who loves and trusts his woman.
“Okay,” I reply as go over to wash my hands. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, you’ve got the job then. Belle will sort out the rest.”
“Fuck me, that just made my day. Do you fancy lunch to celebrate?”
Should I? Sod it, yes I should. As he said, Alex hasn’t got anything to worry about so why shouldn’t I go out to lunch with my new chef? I smile across at him and take off my apron.
“Absolutely. Give me ten minutes to sort myself out and I’ll meet you in the front.”
~
Lunch is a small cafe up the road from our new building. I couldn’t stop myself from taking James along to have a quick look around. He was as much in awe as I was, still am actually. The workmen had just about finished and the last thing we saw as we left were some signs being erected in the car park to do with health and safety, which instantly made me think about new artwork for the building. I’d need to call our design agency to get a larger sign made up of the current signage we use at the shop, which I lovingly created a few years ago. I’d never known I could be arty but the design had flowed out of me at the time as if it had always been in there waiting.
James and I have been busily coming up with all sorts of ideas and new variations on the old menus so that we’ll be ready to go when we finally move in. There’s no denying we work very well together, his style perfectly accentuating mine. I’m sure it’s why we’ve done so well at some events. And of course every woman that he comes into contact with thinks he’s a super cutie, which helps enormously. Unfortunately, it’s probably also the reason Alex is so anti James, which is ridiculous because has the man actually looked at himself in the mirror at all lately?
Feeling White Page 58
