by J. C. Allen
Shit. That’s really not good.
“What are the options?”
His next words felt a little too ominous, like I was stepping into a world I wasn’t ready for.
“Illegal shit. I have to go.”
I didn’t text him back after that. I figured he could explain to me in person if he wanted to what was going on, and while I was kind of turning a blind eye, my eyes couldn’t be totally blind. Something was going to get through.
Fortunately, I was able to keep the conversation hidden from Riley, and I didn’t have to worry about her inquisition into subjects I myself wanted to avoid.
Shortly after, we arrived home. As the day went by, I was suddenly nervous to see Jaxson, as if it is our first date all over again. One, he was actually meeting my only friend here. And two, I didn’t want to see him so stressed out over doing illegal shit that it put him in a spot where he couldn’t have a dinner with me and Riley.
But then again, he was the one who had suggested—or, really, commanded it—in the first place.
After taking a quick nap, I came downstairs to see Riley wrapping up a phone call. It turned out she had decided to order in from the Italian place downtown.
“Guess the Riley special isn’t happening anymore, huh?” I said with a smirk.
“It’s not like he is coming for a home cooked meal,” she said, but she also said it with a smile.
The food came, and we already had wine and beer placed out. Still, I didn’t get an alert from him that he had arrived until half an hour after he was supposed to show up—suffice to say, it wasn’t the greatest first introduction ever. Riley gave me a look of disappointment, but I ignored her; there wasn’t anything I could do about it, anyways, and Jaxson would probably win over her anyways.
I put on my house slippers, which were fuzzy and made me look ridiculous. I stepped out in to the chilly air and found him on the bottom of the steps, just ahead leaning on his bike. I had barely seen him, but I could already tell something was a little off-kilter. He didn’t have his usual intensity in his eyes; it was as if the situation had beaten him down.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” I said, trying to keep my tone light. “Everything is ready upstairs.”
He didn’t say anything. Now I was beginning to feel nervous. I looked closer, and his expression was so pained it sent chills down my back from the inside. His lips were tight in a scowl, his brows so close they become one, and his eyes avoided me.
He had done many things that had bothered me or unsettled me, but his refusal to look at me was one that went far beyond anything he had done before. This… this was nearly disheartening.
“Jaxson?”
I stepped closer, up until my body hit his and I felt his heat. He tensed.
He actually tensed in front of me.
Suddenly, I began to have an awful feeling this went well beyond club stress.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said. Oh, no, Jaxson… “This isn’t the best idea, Isabelle. Us. Together.”
Jaxson…
I lost my breath. Standing in one place, I couldn’t find it in me to breathe. I reached out for him, but he winced when I gripped his arm. He gently moved it away, which was even more disheartening. This can’t be real…
“What? How can you say that?”
My voice was shaky, too small for me now. I forced myself not to cry and to stand up and face him.
But it fucking hurt.
“I tried to pretend that I could do this, but I can’t. I don’t want a girlfriend, someone to worry about all the time. Guys like me don’t have that.”
There was no way… there was no way… no fucking way that was true! The way he looked at me… there was no way that was true.
Something was fucking going on that he wasn’t saying. Something was being hidden that he could not express. Something…
Goddamnit!
“That’s bullshit. Look me in the eye and say that.”
Almost every man in that club had a girlfriend when I was inside. I wished I knew why he was lying and why he would hurt me like this. His eyes traveled up my body but instead of leaving heat, they left me cold. His eyes, when they met mine, were almost on the verge of tears.
There was, apparently, much to Jaxson I didn’t know. And, if he got his way, much I would never know.
“I can’t… I’m no good for you.”
This time the tears came from me, and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to stop them. I wanted him to see how much I cared.
“But—just today you were talking about how much you can’t wait to see me, how did you—”
He can either let the club go or save it by doing something illegal… something that they could get caught for.
I was still crying because I had foolishly thought that I could be almost as important as the club. I knew I couldn’t match it or beat it, but I never thought that I would get tossed aside. I figured that we’d try and stay together through the thick and the thin, through the good times and the bad, and that eventually, as I got more involved, I’d do what I could to help him improve the club.
Instead, it seemed he just wanted us to be done. Maybe he was doing it for reasons he thought were altruistic, but right now, it just smelled of utter bullshit.
“Jaxson, don’t do this… I was starting to think—I just thought we were stronger than this… we can, we can…”
“We are,”
His voice was so deep and pained that I couldn’t fathom how much pain he is in. Here he was breaking up with me, and I was still worried about him. Maybe this wasn’t healthy, or maybe I just…
Who cared? He was dumping me. That hurt, and I wasn’t going to have anyone tell me it was wrong to feel this much pain.
“I’m doing this because I love you, Isabelle.”
No, you’re not. If you loved me, we would be together still.
“And I don’t want to love you more than I love the club. Because I can’t choose you over it. I just can’t.”
Jaxson, what the fuck…
He turned to leave. I stopped him, bracing my hands against his chest. I felt his heart flying as my tears fell. Perhaps, after all, I was crazy for trying to keep this alive.
But I’d be damned if I didn’t at least put the effort in with my emotions this high.
“Jaxson, I love you too.”
He looked away as if that was the worst thing he could have heard.
“And I could never ask you to choose me over the club, I wouldn’t.”
“I know, but it wouldn’t stop me.”
Jaxson, please…
“Please just… take care of yourself.”
He leaned down to kiss my forehead, a lingering, painful, yet perfect kiss, before he dashed away and onto his bike, roaring off into the night sky.
And just like that, after everything we’d been through, after everything we had experienced, I was single, brokenhearted on the night when we were to have our first group dinner.
My tears fell fully then. With my head in my hands, I sobbed into the night sky, the creaking of wind my only company. It was like one second I had him, and the next he was gone. And for reasons that we were both aware of from before. What the hell had changed?
How could he tell me he loves me only to walk around and leave? How could he treat me like that? How… how…
I didn’t even get that much time with him. It was like I didn’t exist at all. I never met his mother, his brothers… I was never that important.
But he said he loves me…
Oh god, that hurt even more.
No.
What’s worse is that I love him too.
15
Jaxson
My mind had plunged to the depths of hell on the way over to her, trying to figure out how to break the news to her.
I had thought of just every scenario I could conceive of, and none made sense. None had been good enough. But I had to go through with it all the same.
Isabelle�
�� she was the light in my life. My everything. I knew that if I lost her, I wouldn’t be the same, and neither would she. She was too good a person for me to come and ruin her life.
But mine would be ruined if I didn’t save the club, either way. And if I kept her around, she was going to get her life ruined as well.
One run down to Mexico would be more than enough to pay off the debts and keep the place going for a few years. Only five club members would go, and I had even left my brothers out of it. But I couldn’t keep myself out of the fire—as club president, it’s what I had to do.
I knew the likelihood of me dying on this run was higher than anything I had ever done. The chance of my death was disturbingly high. But if it worked, the club would be saved, and no one would have to lose it.
I couldn’t lose the club and damage the legacy of my father, no matter how much it hurt. Similarly, I couldn’t go to jail and leave Isabelle.
So… only one thing made sense.
I even wanted to change my mind. I wanted to figure out that once it all went through, things would be fine. I’d come back, we’d date, get serious, get married, have kids, and on and on and on.
But when I saw her, I knew that I had to do it.
Isabelle was innocent, and kind, and beautiful. She changed my life in such a short amount of time.
And yet, I knew that what I was about to do was more or less permanent. I couldn’t go back, only forward, and that can’t include her. Women like her shouldn’t be with a man like me. A criminal, an outlaw. It had to be done.
When I spoke to her just outside her apartment, I felt a wave of tremendous guilt in me, to say nothing of the fact that she had prepared dinner for me and her roommate. Her roommate, Riley, would undoubtedly hate my guts and everything I stood for. Isabelle likely would too, even though the expression on her face was anything but that.
But to continue the charade and break up with her later would have just made things worse. I had to do it now.
When I spoke to her, I struggled to look at her in the eyes. I hadn’t expected this moment to be so damn painful—it was like getting stabbed in the heart in suicidal fashion, my own hand breaking me into pieces. She forced me to do it, and when I did, I almost broke. I almost took her back and apologized for it all.
But… no.
Everything was fine until she told me she loved me too, and that’s when my own emotions started to crack. Now I wanted her back; now I realized she would have been with me even if I went to prison; now I realized that perhaps I had made a mistake. Maybe I needed to change my mind.
Damn stubborn pride wouldn’t let me, though. I’d thought through this decision far too long and far too hard.
So, before I could change my mind, before I could consider what she said, before I could look foolish… I practically ran to my bike, gunned it, and headed back to the club shop for some sanity.
Along the way, I couldn’t help but feel I had made a serious mistake. I had never felt about a woman like I had felt about Isabelle… and I had just let her go like that? Was it that easy?
It had to be this way. You know what you need to do for the sake of the club. That requires personal sacrifice.
Still, it didn’t feel great when I finally did pull up to the compound for a drink or six. It just felt like I had made a decision on the basis of the worst-case scenario instead of what actually might happen.
The club was half empty when I walked in. Some guys were playing pool, and a few were sitting and drinking. Zeke was behind the bar where I left him and set me down scotch and a beer. He smiled when he first saw me, but that smile quickly faded as I got closer.
“Goddamn, you look rough.”
No shit, dummy. He leaned back on the table and crossed his arms. I ignored his expression, though I knew damn well Zeke wasn’t going to let me go without silence. I had spoken too much and said too much before for him to just let it slide.
“Yeah.”
A tense silence filled the club as all eyes seemed to settle on me, the unsettled president. They must have picked up how stressed and shitty I was feeling. After I looked around, they went back to what they were doing, but it was obvious that they were still keeping an eye on me.
“I’m surprised you agreed to this thing,” Zeke said with a grunt. “I mean, it’s the only way. But still.”
You just answered your own question, bucko.
“I know that,” I said with a bit more grouchiness than was probably necessary.
Zeke definitely looked on edge—he didn’t get scared of me easily, but he sure looked it now.
“Where are the others?”
I took a deep breath before I answered him.
“Home.”
“Why aren’t you back home? I thought you left for good.”
I shook my head. I only wished that I had left for good. I only wished that I had stayed where I had gone.
But no. I had left because I needed to. Because you’re a goddamn coward, that’s why.
“No. I went to see Isabelle.”
Zeke smiled at that, which made it even more painful.
“I like her, she seems great.”
I let out a long sigh.
“Hate to break it to you, Zeke, but I broke up with her.”
I downed my scotch in one run and already started on my beer to try and ignore Zeke’s questions. Unfortunately, that was a poor strategy.
“What the fuck for?”
The look on his face was not sympathetic. In fact, it seemed downright pissed off. I was not going to garner sympathy points from this brother.
“Too complicated.”
But I knew that was a bullshit answer. Zeke picked up on it immediately.
“How the fuck is it complicated?” he said. “You’re not the only one in here that has a girl, hell more of us are married than not. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I sighed. I knew I was fighting a losing battle—if I couldn’t believe in my own words, how the hell could I believe in them when spoken to Zeke?—but at this point, I had made my decision. There was no changing it.
“It’s different.”
No, it’s not.
“If shit goes down, I get the worst of it, as I should. And I don’t want to go off to prison and leave her waiting for me. She deserves better than that.”
He shook his head at me and frowned. Man, you were a fucking idiot and you know it. Good job, dumbass.
“That’s not the only reason, and you know it. I know it. Fuck. I can’t believe you did that, you moron. She must be really upset.”
“I know, simpleton, I was there,” I said, raising my voice. The last reason I had come here was for an argument over my actions—and now it seemed I was getting just that. “She… I thought it would be better, to tell you the truth. Because I love her, and I said that. But I didn’t expect her to say it back.”
Zeke just threw his arms up in exasperation. I only now noticed that the club had fully stopped their activity and laid their eyes fully back on me, but at this point, I didn’t give a shit. I deserved the shameful gazes.
“That’s even worse, man. Why would you—fuck, you really aren’t good at this.”
I raised my brows and just drank more beer. It wasn’t nearly as strong as I needed it to be. I wasn’t as strong as I needed to be.
“I loved her too much,” I said with a shrug, more out of deference to my pathetic weakness than the statement. “I’d choose her over this in a heartbeat and not think twice. But in five maybe ten years, I’d resent her for it. And it wouldn’t be her fault.”
I nearly punched Zeke when he started laughing, but I stopped myself when he made a point that I had ignored before.
“Who said you had to choose, man? Dad met Mom when she was in nursing school, it didn’t change her life. Isabelle would have been fine.”
He muttered a few more swears before he delivered the dagger.
“I don’t get you man, you’ve always been weird.”
; He glared at me, as if maybe doing so would change my answer.
But no.
“What’s done is done.”
A guy named Jack had been in the club for a while, doing illegal shit under my nose and thinking I wouldn’t notice. I needed his help now, but as soon as this was over, I was kicking him out. He didn’t know that and he didn’t need to.
What I did need from him, however, was a little assistance in keeping the club alive.
“We got lucky,” he said. “I’ve got a run coming up that we could use more help on, so I suggested the one coming up and they took the bait. I got the price up too.”
He grinned smugly. Jack was young, my age maybe, and had a mean look to him even more so than the rest of us. He had tattoos covering every inch of his body, even some on his face. His green eyes glinted at me as he waited for a response.
“How long?” I asked, trying my best to treat him friendly enough that he wouldn’t get suspicious, but not too friendly.
“Takes four hours to ride to the meeting point and that’s it, we don’t have to go all the way. Four other guys, like I said.”
I nodded and stood from the meeting table as I knock my knuckles against the wood. I felt his eyes following me as I moved around the room. As far as I was concerned, this was the best I could have asked for from the situation.
“Good. No tricks or complications?”
He shook his head. That didn’t mean we were in the clear, but it did mean that this particular run probably wouldn’t have as much danger as I had feared.
Which, of course, made it even more painful that I had dumped Isabelle.
“Nope, never had them before,” he explained. “Then again, it’s only been me, so I don’t know how five other guys might change that. But it’s only one run, so it should be fine.”
He shrugged like it was nothing.
I didn’t bother to fill him in on how it was far beyond “nothing.” If we fucked this up, the club went with it. We had a hell of a lot of things riding on the success of this very mission.
But, given that he was gone either way after this mission, I wasn’t about to tell him that. I just needed him to do his job.
