by J. C. Allen
An unexpected sense of dread started to fill me as I looked back at Ella.
“What is it?”
She took my hand in both of hers as she looked into my eyes.
“I think… it would be best if I left. Just for a little while.”
No!
“No—”
“Simon, listen; if I’m gone, then the club is safe.”
Don’t give a fuck.
“Then I’ll go too,” I growled.
I gripped her tight with both my hands, as if it would stop her from moving away from me.
“You know your club is here, and your work. You can’t leave.”
“Well neither can you, you said you didn’t want to live on the run anymore. Ella, please. Don’t let your father dictate how you live your life anymore.”
Why, why, why does this have to be happening yet again?!?
“Simon…”
Fresh tears fell from her eyes. I held her close and cupped her face in my hand, tracing her tears away from her cheek.
“I just got you back. You and Michael…”
“You could have died tonight.”
I could have died many nights in this club. But I’m still here.
“But I didn’t. And I’m not going to. I promise.”
But Ella just shook her head, as if such a statement was meaningless.
“You can’t promise me that. You know you can’t.”
She bit her lips, as if to keep from kissing me or letting me kiss her.
“I’ll do it anyway. Just… don’t go.”
She pulled back. The sight of that, reminding me of so many other times that she had left, caused me to panic, saying the first thing that came to mind.
“You can’t take my son away from me. Not again. I’ll come after you until I get you both back.”
But the sudden shift in tone and the resolve didn’t do much.
“Once my father finds me, I can resolve everything. And it will be okay.”
She nodded to herself as if she was still convincing her own conscience of that fact. Now who’s the one making the promises that they can’t keep?!? She quickly moved forward, kissed my forehead, and then flew out the door.
For a moment, I just stared after her in shock, wishing that I wasn’t watching her go at all.
Then, before I even could think about it, I was up from the bed, undoing all the wires and shit attached to me. I ripped the IV out and drew blood, the machine beeping like mad, and my mom ran in a second later with another nurse.
“Anne, you can’t—”
“Just leave us alone for a minute! Simon, sit down. You can’t leave in this state.”
But not even Mom was going to stop me here.
“I have to go after her. I can’t let her go.”
I lifted my arm. The pain was, unfortunately, so blinding, I fell back onto the bed. I clutched my side and exhaled deeply, cursing under my breath.
“You’re no good to anyone in this state, lay down and rest.”
I stared at my Mom in shock. The way she looked at me was as if nothing was wrong, plugging the monitors back on and sticking them to my skin like they had just accidentally fallen out. Mom…
“I have to get a nurse to put this IV back in.”
I growled under my breath, still needing to get up and out of here as soon as possible. Ella was getting farther away with every breath I took, and it killed me.
And then a horrible thought occurred to me.
“What did you say to her?”
“What?”
My mom stared me right in the eye. It was a hard gaze I hadn’t seen in years, probably since the last time I did something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. But I was an adult now, and I wasn’t going to back off so easily.
“To Ella. You were talking to her for a while.”
She sighed.
“I didn’t say anything, Simon.”
“I just got her back. Her and Michael. Now she is leaving and taking him away from his family. Again. Only after she was talking to you, Mom. Don’t lie to me.”
She softened her gaze.
“I didn’t say anything, I promise. But she was concerned about you and the club and I only agreed that if she knew her father wasn’t going to hurt her, she shouldn’t be around the people he would.”
That’s not “I didn’t say anything!”
“Jesus Mom, what the hell did you say that for?”
I moved to stand up again, but she pushed me back down. She didn’t even need to since my ribs hurt so badly.
“I didn’t tell her to go, Simon. She came to that conclusion on her own.”
“Yeah, but she forgot about her uncle, who isn’t as formidable as her father. He would hurt her in an instant and now she is out there alone with my kid.”
Even Jaxson came in when he heard me yelling from outside.
“You don’t get it. When we talked to the sheriff he told us why her dad really left town. Her uncle wasn’t with them at that point. He wants to take over, and he can’t do that if Michael is out there and her dad is grooming him. It was never her dad that was after her, it’s him. No—now she’s gone before I could even tell her that.”
I cursed myself. I was trying to protect her and only made it worse. She wouldn’t have left if she knew that was the truth.
And here I was, in a hospital, my ribs probably fucked, and my body unable to do so much as raise a damn arm.
“Look man, she can’t have gotten far,” Jaxson said calmly. “And it won’t do anyone any good if you don’t get better. So just relax, and I’ll go find her.”
He nodded, glanced at Mom, and left.
“I’m sorry, Simon,” my mother said. “I wouldn’t have just let her go if I knew all that.”
Well, she is. Jaxson… you better find her.
I lay back on the bed, trusting Jaxson to find her. I would’ve do the same for him, if it were Isabelle. But they were simple; their fights involved a relationship threatened only by his conscience.
This wasn’t like that. Everything was against us, everything that I didn’t even have any control over. That was what made me go crazy.
I didn’t know what was going on in their minds, what they were actually capable of, despite Ella telling me.
I loved Ella so much it hurt. At times, I wished I could take us back to the day we met and stay there. It would have been better for us both.
But our love changed us; it brought us Michael and the little bit of happiness that we got to share. I could only hope that I hadn’t lost her for good. For real this time.
She couldn’t have gotten that far with Michael. I was praying that he got to her fast enough. The thought of her out there alone made me sick. I knew she can defend herself but she shouldn’t have to. And in any case, “defend herself” was a very loose term.
“You never wanted to know,” Mom said. “I know you didn’t like her coming back from the start.”
“Well I hadn’t known that was the reason she left. I didn’t know she… I’m glad that she is back. With Michael. So we can all come together as a family.”
I let out a sigh of resolution, my eyes closing of their own accord. The day had come to me all at once.
“Then you better hope that Jaxson gets to her fast enough.”
14
Rosella
It was the reminder of the email that my uncle sent me that brought me back to reality. It gave me the strength to let go of one of the things I loved most—my son’s father.
Of course, in the moment, it didn’t feel like a strength. It felt like, yet again, a reason for me to leave. By now, for worse, I was too good at leaving him out to dry—except now, I was doing because the threat wasn’t implied, it was real.
I had it in my head that if I just got to my father and told him to leave Simon alone, that could be that. My uncle would never listen to me, he was too crazy… but my father? Maybe he’d have a more open mind about everything.
It was a big
maybe. Perhaps too big of a maybe. Perhaps when it was all said and done, I would feel like a massive idiot.
But I would’ve felt like a bigger one if I’d stayed around, knowing that at a minimum, I was dragging Simon to his death and likely his brothers, his mother, and the Kinsmen MC as a whole. I couldn’t have that on my head; I couldn’t put that on theirs.
And so, after a painful but necessary conversation, I rushed to him without a thought, kissing his forehead and squeezing him in a hug as best I can, before I left in a hurry.
I didn’t think I’d ever forget the look on Simon’s face, when I told him I was leaving him and when I left him. That was the kind of thing that would haunt me forever.
Maybe the fact that he was injured and unable to chase me was why I did it that way. Maybe I was being a coward. OK, I am being a coward.
But still, I knew my uncle would try to come after me and, if not Simon, one of his brothers. I just had to be faster. I just had to hurry up.
Michael was a basket of questions, and I knew I would have to tell him. At the front door, far away from Simon, I crouched down to him. I forced a smile, but it didn’t work; I only cried more.
“Why are you crying mommy?” he wiped at my face and I grabbed his hands. I kissed his small hands in mine and made him look at me.
“I’m just a little sad, but it’s going to be okay.”
That was something of a white lie. I didn’t see how things were going to be OK. Maybe it was true in the generic sense—someday, yes, things would be fine.
But right now? After what I had done to Simon? After leaving him out to dry, again, out of some probably misplaced sense of safety concern?
No, things weren’t going to be OK. Things weren’t going to be fine just like that. But…
How the fuck was I supposed to tell that to my little boy?
“Why are we leaving again?”
I sighed. I supposed, once again, I wasn’t giving my son enough credit. He was smarter than he let on; he would know if I was lying about things being fine. I couldn’t play that game with him like I could have with others.
It was time to tell something of the truth.
“Because my dad, grandpa, he doesn’t like that we left him. So we have to go back. And Uncle Nic—”
“He is a bad man.”
I recoiled in shock. Michael knew a lot of things, but that? I didn’t think that that was something I had explicitly expressed to him. Was it something that he had overheard me say?
Or, perhaps more shockingly, was it something that he had just intuited on his own? He could be a smart cookie, but… that?
“What?”
“Mina told me all the time. Grace too. They didn’t want me to tell you but I knew you were only keeping it from me, because you thought I couldn’t handle it.”
I widened my eyes at his wisdom. I supposed something had gone right with him, and I hadn’t been as bad as I thought I was. Maybe, after all, I could be a half-decent mother for a boy like him.
I just wished this insight had come from something so life threatening.
“I know you can, bub. But… it doesn’t matter, because we have to go now so he doesn’t hurt anyone else.”
But Michael wasn’t going to let me off the hook so easily, and nor did I want him to, I suppose. Given that I was continuing to let him speak to me about this, maybe I didn’t want to just walk out like this.
“He hurt Simon? My dad.”
Your father. The man I’m taking you away from…
“Y-yes. He did. So, we have to go and see him and ask him to leave everyone here alone.”
Michael was handling this much better than I was, that was for sure. I didn’t think I could handle anything related to this right; one minute, I was leaving Simon, and the next, I was pissing off my uncle and my father. Nothing I could do was right.
God, sometimes it sucked being an adult.
“But they’re my family now too, aren’t they?”
I couldn’t fucking take it. I gave in when he said that, like a little baby; like the roles were almost reversed.
I sobbed and hugged him close so he didn’t see me cry more. He was also being a much stronger person than I was, and I wanted to draw on that.
“Yes they are. And we will be back soon when everything is okay.”
I hope that they do become OK. Because right now, Michael, I’m not sure if they will be. I hate to think it so, but…
“Okay.”
“Thank you,” I said, and it was certainly for a lot more than just him agreeing with what I had said.
I hugged him closer and got in our car. I drove home in tears the whole time, my little boy thankfully being silent and giving me the space I needed to get through my emotions. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure that was going to take a lot longer than just a single car ride home.
It was probably going to take days, if not weeks. It really wasn’t going to help matters that it would take some time to find a job in a different town or, if I chose to stay here, to find a different contractor. The more I thought about it, the more variables I realized entangled me into the Kinsmen family in some fashion.
Yeah, it was going to be a painful few weeks. And that was just to remove myself from the situation; God knows how long it would take me to actually feel better about myself.
I got to the house, noticing nothing out of place. It was a relief to see nothing was done by my uncle or father yet. I, unfortunately, could not be too sure, especially after what had happened to Simon. I half-expected to come home to vandalism on my wall, a door busted down, a family member waiting for me inside…
But nope. All seemed safe.
Then I heard the hard roar of a bike engine in the distance.
I stepped outside, knowing I couldn’t out drive them even if I tried. The only good part was that it wasn’t familial. It wasn’t the sound of my father’s or uncle’s bike—I could recognize those by now.
I knew Simon would send someone, but not this fast. I should have walked out faster, and now I had to face the possibility of something happening at my house. I didn’t think someone from the Kinsmen MC would cause an issue, but…
Well, they were prideful men. And when prideful men had something happen to them, they didn’t always react in the most positive manner. That went for Simon too, no matter how much we said we loved each other and how much we did for each other.
I held Michael’s hand tighter and he tugged at me.
The bright headlights drove right up to the porch, two sets of them. I recognized Jaxson as he killed the engine and got off his bike, and then Zeke followed close behind him. Great, two of them…
Jaxson held up his hand to him and he stayed back. I breathed heavily, shaking in the soles of my boots. I only had time to change and pack, my sweater trapping my nervous heat.
“Rosella, hear me out.”
Jaxson stomped up the porch, holding his hands up in defense. He glanced down at Michael, who only briefly spoke to him. Michael, a bit terrified, hid halfway behind my leg.
“Jaxson, I already talked to Simon—”
“You’re wrong.”
That was a bold move from Jaxson, but I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.
“Excuse me?”
I stepped in front of Michael, but his curiosity got the better of him as he craned his neck around me.
“First of all, please don’t try to run. Because I promised Simon I wouldn’t let you leave and by any means necessary, I’m keeping my word.”
I nod once and he exhaled.
“It isn’t your father that’s after you. It’s your uncle.”
“No,” I said. “It’s both of them.”
Jaxson made a face of disbelief. He glanced down at Michael and then back at Zeke, nodding him forward. He stopped in front of Michael.
“Hey, you ever seen a motorcycle up close before?” Zeke said.
Michael glanced up at me. I was extraordinarily hesitant to agree to this, if only
because it would look like I was going back on my word to myself.
But I trusted the Kinsmen, all of them, for better or for worse. I just hoped that if shit went down, Michael would be safe.
So I nodded him forward. He ran off with Zeke as Jaxson came closer.
“The sheriff went back years into your dad. When he came here, the opposition he got wasn’t from the south or the gangs down there. It was his brother Nic. So he left, took you with him.”
“He didn’t like the MC for denying him, that’s why when he found out about Simon, he took me away.”
“I know, that’s true. But there was still shit going on here when he left, before Nic followed him. Michael was about five or so, when a gang war broke out in San Marcos where you moved to.”
I blinked rapidly, nodding that I was starting to remember.
“That was Nic trying to get his attention. He wants his territory, and he almost had it.”
“But I left when—”
I stopped and thought hard. When I was discovered to try and leave, it wasn’t my father that threatened me, but… yeah, it was Uncle Nic. I was just still operating with the idea that he always did my dad’s bidding. I never asked questions.
I guess I should have.
“Your father hasn’t been seen leaving his estate, not for months at least. And he definitely hasn’t been traveling. That’s why when you told me at the club that your dad wouldn’t hurt you, I was confused, because I thought you knew.”
“It’s my uncle that is trying to find me…”
In the background, Michael laughed at something Zeke did. I wished he could stay that innocent all the time and wouldn’t have to deal with shit like this. I looked back to Jaxson, who eyed me with sadness.
“Yeah, and he definitely would hurt you. I’m guessing. And Michael. So if you were to be out there alone… wouldn’t recommend it.”
How… how had I never thought to ask such questions? How had I just let this assumption guide me this whole time? I’m so dumb.
“Thank you…” I murmured.
He stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t realized I had started crying so hard.
