by E. M. Leya
Justice's cheeks went a bit red. "I've been busy, but I've missed you and your cooking." He hugged her gently. "I promise to be by more often."
I hadn't considered how being stuck in the house with me after he bit me had kept Justice from living his normal life. I hadn't even considered that he could be as stir crazy as I was being at home all of the time.
It made me think how selfish I'd been over the last few weeks. Tavish and Justice had all but put their lives on hold to help me get through all this. Justice especially had gone out of his way to get me through the first few weeks before Tavish got home. I'd be dead without them, of this I was sure. I wouldn't have lasted through the headaches and dreams, let alone the sexual need. I would have taken my own life if I'd had to go through it all alone.
Tavish frowned at me. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, wishing he couldn't sense or smell my emotions so easily. "Yeah, was just thinking. I'll tell you about it later."
"Then sit and eat. You're in for a treat. No one cooks like Corta does. You'll hate eating at home once you taste her food." Tavish pulled a chair out for me.
I sat down, enjoying the smells coming from the stove.
"You are always welcome here. You all know we cook enough every day for anyone who wants to eat." Corta set a plate down in front of me and another in front of Tavish.
"Thanks." I inhaled as I stared down at the plate of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and green beans. "This looks and smells amazing."
"Only the best for my wolves." Corta smiled as she set another plate in front of Justice.
I lost focus for a few minutes as I ate. It was delicious. It was Tavish's gentle touch that pulled my attention from my food. I glanced over at him and he smiled. "Are we not feeding you enough at home?"
I laughed. "No, you are, but I have to admit, it's not as good as this."
"Nothing is as good as Corta's cooking," Kurt said from across the table.
I hadn't even noticed he was there. I looked at him, then the man beside him. I remembered Josh from when I'd been held in the cells. When Kurt had given me a choice to either die or become wolf, it had been Josh who'd warned me about what changing into a wolf was like. He was the one who convinced me, that while it was a painful process, it would be better than dying. I gave him a smile. He'd been the only one I hadn't been scared of at the time. Like me, he used to be human, but unlike me, he wasn't given a choice. He was attacked and bitten by a wolf, and Kurt, who turned out to be his mate, helped him through things.
Josh smiled at me. "Hey, how you holding up?"
I shrugged, not sure how to voice everything I was feeling. So much was going on. So much had happened.
"Finish eating. When you're done, we'll go talk. These guys can have a beer and relax while we do." Josh nudged Kurt's arm with his.
"I don't want you leaving the pack house." Justice glanced at me. "You're not ready to be alone."
I felt like a child being reprimanded, but I wasn't about to argue. I was sure he could smell how unhappy I was with him still bossing me around.
"We'll head to one of the rooms and talk. Don't worry. He's not going to hurt anyone. If there is a problem, I can let Kurt know instantly." Josh tapped his forehead.
I was confused and my expression must have shown it.
"As mates, we can communicate mentally in a way. If I need Kurt, I just have to think about it and he'll feel my call. Beyond that, once you join the pack, you'll be linked to Kurt. Not as strong as I am as his mate, but enough you can send a mental alert if you ever need help," Josh explained.
I glanced at Tavish, then at Kurt, not sure I liked being linked to someone that way. Sure, it would be nice if I really was in trouble and needed help, but I didn't want someone feeling my emotions or inside my head all of the time. It was what I feared most. When this all started, I worried they would all have control of me, and this seemed like that was exactly what happened. After experiencing Kurt's power when he forced me to shift, I was all too aware of what kind of control he held. If I mated Tavish, would it be the same way? When did I get power over everyone?
I focused on my food, trying hard to put all this from my mind. Just being in the pack house was strange enough. There were so many people and scents to try and sort out. So far, no one seemed too upset I was there. I could sense some anger in the air, but it was faint. I figured some would hold me responsible for the past, even if I wasn't the one to hurt anyone.
"How's your food?" Tavish's hand pressed to my thigh.
"Delicious." I smiled. "Can Corta come live with us?"
Corta laughed. "No, but you are welcome here any time. There is always food available. If you give me notice, I even take requests."
I grinned. "I might have to reconsider and move in here."
Tavish growled softly.
I glanced over at him and saw the flare of his wolf in his eyes. He didn't like that idea at all. My wolf didn't either, but I couldn't let my wolf control my life and the things I did. I wasn't going to move, but I also wasn't going to be owned by anyone, no matter how much I wanted him.
Justice grinned. "It's good to see my brother worked up for a change. Mark's not making this mating easy for him."
I frowned.
"There's nothing wrong with that. This is all new for Mark. I'm patient and willing to wait until he sorts things out. The last thing I'm going to do is push him. Right now, he's got enough to handle trying to figure out all the new stuff that comes with being a wolf." Tavish gave my thigh a squeeze.
I loved how he always held my leg the way he was. It was comforting, but his words shocked me. I figured he'd be upset that I wasn't jumping up and down because we were mates. From everything I'd heard, it was something to celebrate and I'd done anything but welcome it. "Thanks." I gave him a smile.
"Have you gone hunting yet?" Josh asked.
"Several times." I sat back as I finished my dinner. "It was amazing. It's hard not to want to live that way all of the time."
Kurt narrowed his eyes.
"I know, I won't, but it's hard not to want that." I glanced at Tavish. "Even if we don't hunt and just run, it helps take some of the stress off my wolf and keep him calm."
"We're doing a group hunt next week if you two want to join us," Kurt offered.
"Thanks, we might join," Tavish told him.
"You want to get out of here for a bit and let them talk?" Josh asked me.
"Yes." I had a lot I wanted to talk about, and even though I didn't know Josh well, I trusted him to be honest with me and hopefully understand what I was going through. I pushed back my chair and followed him out of the room without a word to Tavish or Justice. It felt good to go on my own without either of them following me. "This place is huge."
"It is. We've got everything you could need here. There're rooms for those who need them, a medical clinic, food. Kurt makes sure no wolf is ever in need. He takes good care of the pack." Josh led me to a small room with a bed and a table in it. He shut the door. "We can talk in here without anyone bothering us."
'Thanks. I should be able to ask Tavish or Justice everything, but sometimes I feel like they expect so much from me." I sank down in a chair at the table.
"Yeah, they can be that way. I'm not sure if you've noticed. It's really obvious here at the pack house, but every wolf has a level of power. Kurt, being alpha is the strongest, then it goes down from there. From what I sense, you're somewhere in the middle."
I'd felt something like that, but didn't understand it all. "So there won't be someone stronger than Kurt here?"
"Not usually. There are some others who are strong enough to fight to take his place, but they choose not to. When we first met, there was a guy who fought Kurt for control, but Kurt won. I hear it doesn't happen often, especially in packs like ours who take care of everyone. People are happy to let Kurt lead and be in charge."
"What about the people who are weaker?" I asked.
"They get treated the same as all the rest,
but they know that in a fight they might not do well. You felt Kurt's power when he came over to your house, right?"
A shiver went through me as I remembered.
"That's the power I'm talking about. We all have it, but some more than others. In some packs, the ones you don't want to be part of, the stronger control the weaker. Here, we're all equal unless someone is causing problems and Kurt needs to use his power."
"Justice is stronger than me then?"
"Not so much. What gives Justice power over you is that he bit you. If you were just friends, you are about equal. Same with Tavish. I sense you guys are all about the same when it comes to your place in the pack."
"Then why do I feel like Tavish wants to control me?" I rubbed my hands down my arms.
Josh laughed. "It's that damn mating. It's not control he wants from you. Hell, he'd submit to you anytime just because you're his mate. You could get him to do anything for you if you wanted. The thing about being mated is the only thing you want is to make sure your mate is happy and safe. Right now, Tavish is worried about you. Being a new wolf isn't easy, and I'm sure he's scared you're going to run away. Once he sees that you're going to stick around, he'll calm down. You like him, don't you?"
"I don't know. It's so strange. I hardly know him, but I want him. In a way, I feel forced into this and that makes me fight it."
"When I was bitten, I had already formed an attraction to Kurt, so it was easier for me. By the time I shifted, we'd already formed somewhat of a relationship. It was just natural to accept us as mates and accept the feeling that was suddenly there. For you, I can imagine how shocking it was to wake up as a wolf and suddenly have feelings for someone you didn't really know."
I nodded. "He's a great guy, but to fall instantly in love with someone you don't even know? It feels wrong. I can't resist him. No matter what, I will try to make this work, but I won't give in to the mating ceremony until I'm sure I know him. He's a rock star. How is that going to fit into my life? I've been running from my life for so long, I don't know if I can settle down and just fall into marriage the way he wants me to."
"I can understand your feelings, but I will tell you that the mating is like nothing you can imagine. Once you do the ceremony, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. You'll be connected in ways that you could only imagine in some science fiction novel. And the sex…" Josh wagged his eyebrows.
I blushed. "We have no issues with sex, at least we didn't while I was starting to shift. We haven't been together since."
"So you haven't been together as mates?"
I shook my head, trying not to think about how we planned to do it when we got back home.
"You need to do it. It's amazing. You can feel his pleasure, at least once you do the ceremony you can. You can a little before, but after…" Josh shook his head. "It's like double the pleasure because you feel your own, but you also feel his. Everything is stronger."
"I just don't want them telling me what to do all of the time." I sighed.
"They won't. Justice has to be that way right now, and I bet, if you're honest with yourself, Tavish isn't pushing to control you in any way. If anything, he's bending over backward to make sure you're okay. I don't think it's possible for one mate to control another. It's so equal. Even though Kurt is our alpha, he never makes me feel less than him. If anything, I'm the one wolf who could hold power over him. Even without the mating ceremony, the feelings Tavish would have for you are so strong that hurting you in any way would kill him. His main concern in life right now is to protect and love you."
I thought about it. It was true. Tavish hadn't really ever tried to boss me around. That was always Justice. Tavish voiced concern, but that was all it really ever was, concern. He needed to make sure I was safe and that I didn't run. It wasn't the same as what Justice was doing. Tavish had never used that odd magic power against me. "This is all so confusing to me. I need time, but I feel guilty because Tavish wants more."
"Make him wait. He will. He does understand. He just grew up understanding about matings. He knows what the two of you are missing. He'll be okay. You take all the time you need. I know about your past. If you want to wait until you have a job, have your life together, then do it. But know that he's going to be there whenever you're ready," Josh told me.
"How do I get a job when they won't let me out of their sight?"
Josh laughed. "They will. I hated it too when I went through it, but they are right to keep an eye on you. Your wolf is strong. He could still take over if you aren't careful. It takes time to adjust, but once you do, there are a ton of jobs available you can do. We have resources all around town. Hell, who knows, you might decide not to work and just go on tour with Tavish."
"I'd feel like I was using him. Like I wasn't putting anything into our relationship."
"You're mates. It's all equal. Tavish already thinks of everything he has is yours as well. It was instant the moment he caught your scent. It's just how it works with wolves. Humans worry about material things, about who has what, but as wolves, we don't think that way. Your thinking will change in time. For those like Tavish, who were born wolf, they don't understand the human thinking, so it's hard to explain some of our feelings to them. I can try to help if you need me. I went through all this with Kurt."
"It's okay for now. Just overwhelming. I just feel trapped right now, and that is making things harder."
"It will change. They brought you here. That's a good start. Show them you aren't going to run or cause problems by shifting in public and they'll ease off. Tavish will always want to be with you, but that's just the mating. You'll both learn how to get used to the times you have to be apart. I'm betting, even being in here with me instead of out there with him is making you restless."
My eyes widened.
"I told you, it's the same for all mates. I feel the same way with Kurt. I've grown used to the feeling. Know how to handle it better, but I still hate being apart. Watch. When we get back, Kurt will practically wrap himself around me, smother me in his scent. He does it every time we spend any time apart. Tavish might do the same if he's not too nervous about you pushing him away."
I wanted Tavish to hold me. Josh was right. Being apart, even this short distance was hard. I felt it at home when we were just in separate rooms. "So I'm not losing my mind?"
"No, you're just retraining your mind to think in wolf terms instead of humans. The fact you fell in love in the middle of it just made things a bit harder."
"I don't love him," I argued.
Josh raised a brow. "He's your mate."
"That doesn't matter. I have to know someone well enough to love him. What we have is lust. He's hot and good in bed. That's all this is." I couldn't love him. It wasn't possible, was it? Then again, Tavish had told me he loved me. Was it that instant? That simple? No, I couldn't believe I could love someone without there being enough time to get to know each other well.
"You keep telling yourself that. I'll remind you of this conversation once you do the mating ceremony." Josh grinned. "Come on, let's get back. Kurt is calling for me."
"How do you know?"
Josh tapped his head. "You'll understand in time."
I stood and followed him out of the room. We found Tavish and Kurt sitting on a long couch. Just as Josh had said, Kurt pulled him onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him, kissing him hard. I glanced at Tavish, wondering if he wanted to do the same with me. His hands were fisted in his lap, and his wolf was evident in his eyes. I eased down beside him, allowing our legs to press against each other as I leaned against him.
I had a lot to think about, but I was feeling better about everything. I liked Josh and hoped I'd get to spend more time with him. Once I figured out this stuff with Tavish, maybe he and I could be friends.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Tavish
Things seemed calmer as I walked into the house with Justice and Mark. The night out at the pack house did us all good. We'd been cooped up at t
he house for so long, we all needed a few hours away.
Watching Mark, I tried to get a sense of what he was thinking, but his scent was faint and calm, which was also rare. Maybe the talk with Josh had done some good. Watching him interact with others at the pack house had been good, but it had also sent a wave of jealousy through me every time he talked to anyone else who was unmated. No matter how innocent the conversation, I hated that there was still the possibility that he could choose to be with someone else other than me. It was crazy to think that way. The mating bond, even without the ceremony was probably enough to keep him from seeking out anyone else, but until we did the ceremony, I wasn't able to relax.
"I'm off to bed. You two okay on your own?" Justice asked once we were inside.
"Yep." I glanced at Mark, hoping he still wanted to spend the night with me. If nothing else, I hoped to hold him in my arms as we slept like I had earlier when we'd napped. It was the only time my wolf was calm.
"Thanks for allowing me to get out," Mark called after Justice.
"Thanks for behaving. We'll do it again soon. If Tavish is up for it, you can go out with him anytime you want, but I don't want you going out alone yet. Make sure one of us is with you." Justice waved as he headed upstairs.
I grinned at Mark. "We can go get your license, do some shopping, and grab lunch out tomorrow if you want."
"I'd like that." Mark looked happier than I'd seen him since we met.
"So the talk with Josh helped?"
Mark shrugged as he sat down on the living room couch. "He told me a lot of the same things you guys have, but he understands my feelings better than you guys can since you've never been anything but shifters. It's hard still thinking in human terms when I'm not fully human anymore. It's a struggle to mesh the two sides of who I am together and change my way of thinking."
