_One of the Finest Pisantry (in custody, having had a shillelagh difference with a fellow-countryman)._ "Shure! Mayn't Oi see me frind aff b' the thrain, sorr?"]
_Lady_. "I was awfully sorry, professor, I was unable to come to your lecture last night. Were there many there?"
_The Professor_ (_Irish_). "Um--well--not so many as I expected. But I never thought there would be!"]
HOW TO MAKE AN IRISH STORY
Lay your scene principally in Galway, and let your chief charactersbe the officers of a regiment of Dragoons. Represent them as habitualdrunkards, as duellists, and as practical jokers; but take care toexclude from their tricks everything like wit. Introduce as frequentlyas possible, with the necessary variation only of time, place, andcircumstance, a tipsy brawl, with a table oversetting in the midst ofit, and a ragamuffin with a great stick in his hand, capering thereon.Do not omit to mention the bottles and glasses that whistle, duringthis performance, about his ears, nor the chairs and fire-irons whichare used by the surrounding combatants; and under the table fail notto place your comic character; for instance, your priest. Upset mailcoaches, and make horses run away with their riders continually: and becareful, having bribed some clever artist to prostitute his talents,to have all these intellectually humorous scenes illustrated, in thatyour readers may fully appreciate the only jokes they are likely tounderstand. Put "an affair of honour" into about every other chapter;and for the credit and renown of your country, you being an Irishman,exhibit it as conducted with the most insensate levity. Indeed, infurtherance of this object, depict your countrymen in general as a setof irrational, unfeeling, crazy blockheads; only, not having senseenough to be selfish, as lavish and prodigal in the extreme. Never mindyour plot, but string adventure upon adventure, without sequence orconnexion; just remembering to wind up with a marriage. For example,your hero may shoot some old gentleman through the head--or hat--andrun away with his niece, an heiress. Whenever you are at a loss forfun--that is, when you find it impracticable to tumble or knock oneanother down--throw yourself on your brogue, and introduce--"Arrah!now, honey, be aisy." "Long life to yer honour, sure, and didn't I?""Is it praties, ye mane?" "Sorrow a bit." "_Musha!_" "_Mavourneen!_"and the like phrases (having the interjectional ones printed initalics, that their point may be the more obvious), which you will findexcellent substitutes for wit. Your tale, thus prepared, take it tosome publisher, and let him serve it up monthly to the unintelligentportion of the public with puff sauce.
* * * * *
_Irish Manservant (who has been requested by a guest to procure him a bluebottle for fishing purposes--returning from his quest)._ "If ye plaze, sorr, would a green soda-water bottle be what ye're wantin'?"]
NEW AIR FOR ORANGE BANDS.--"Down, down, derry, down!"
* * * * *
WHO were the original bogtrotters? The _Fen_ians.
* * * * *
HIBERNIAN ORDER.--An Irish correspondent informs us that in Tipperarytumult is the order of the day.
* * * * *
ADVICE TO IRISH TENANTS.--Instead of taking "just a drain"--"Just taketo draining."
* * * * *
AN IRISH REASON FOR FIXITY OF TENURE.
MR. PUNCH, SIRR,--Why wouldn't you "fix" Irish _tinants_? Sure Irish_landlords_ is in a divil of a fix already.
Your constant reader, RORY O'MORE.
* * * * *
A DISCLOSURE which can only be made in words certainly "tending to abreach of the peace":--One Irishman disclosing his religion to another.
* * * * *
_Tourist (who has just given Pat a drink from his flask)._ "That's a drop of good whiskey--eh, Pat?"
_Pat._ "Faith, ye may well say that, sorr. Shure, it wint down my t'roat loike a torchlight procession!"]
MISPLACED MERRIMENT
_Irish Doctor (who was a great believer in a little "playful badinage")._ "Oh dear! oh dear! an' what a tarrible depressin' soight ye've gone an' made ov yersilf! What is ut now, is ut a '_tableau v[e]evant_' ye're playin' at, or what?"
[_Further attendance dispensed with._ ]
A FAILURE!
_Irish Contributor (at a "check")._ "By the powers--'wish I hadn't bought this thype-writer-r--'t cann't spell a bit!"]
_Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific but well-deserved kick)._ "Dud you mane thot?"
_Colonel McMurder._ "Yis, Oi _dud_, you thunderin' villain!"
_Editor._ "Oh, very well, thot's all _roight_. Oi t'ought it moight av been wan o' thim prac-ta-cle jokes!"]
_Irish Emigrant (emerging from the steerage, feebly)._ "Where's the sails? What is it makes the ship go along?"
_Fellow Passenger._ "This ain't no sailing ship. This is a steam ship, this is. Fifteen thousand horse-power."
_Irish Emigrant._ "Fifteen thousand horses! Think of that, now! And where's the _shtablin'_?"]
* * * * *
A NEW FORM OF D.T.--_The Irish Curate_ (_to the New Vicar_). "That poorman, sir, has always got a skeleton just in front of him that followshim about wherever he goes!"
* * * * *
FROM the _Cork Constitution_:--"The friends of a respectable youngwidow want to get her housekeeping in a respectable widower's family;understands her business." There seems a certain want of _finesse_ inthis latter statement.
* * * * *
THE IRISH BULL IN INDIA.--For sale.--Eleven elephants, male and female,priced low to effect speedy sale. Full particulars from Pat Doyle, No.11, Brooking Street, Rangoon. _Note._--Four of the above have beensold.--(From the _Rangoon Gazette_.)
* * * * *
CONFUSION OF IDEAS.--The man who said that he was so particular abouthis bacon that he never ventured on a rasher without first seeing thepig which had supplied it, must have been an Irishman.
* * * * *
THE WAX-CHANDLERS' PARADISE.--Wicklow county.
* * * * *
_Mr. O'Rorke (who has been quarrelling with a visitor)._ "Now, remember, Jane, the next time you let that man in you're to shut the door in his face!"]
_Policeman (examining broken window)._ "Begorra, but it's more sarious thin Oi thought it was. It's broke on _both sides_!"]
"PRIMA FACIE."--_Magistrate._ "The evidence shows that you threw a stone at this man."
_Mrs. O'Hooligan._ "Faith, then, the looks o' the baste shows better 'n that, yer honour. They shows I 'it 'im!"]
_During hot weather. Sudden shower of rain.--Irish Visitor._ "Ah, now this _is_ welcome! An hour's rain like this will do more good in five minutes than a week of it!"]
SCENE--_Cottage in West of Ireland during a rainstorm._
_Tourist._ "Why don't you mend those big holes in the roof?"
_Pat._ "Wud your honour have me go out an' mend it in all this rain?"
_Tourist._ "No. But you could do it when it is fine."
_Pat._ "Shure, your honour, there's no need to do it thin!"]
* * * * *
"NOT KILT, BUT SPACHELESS"--At Clonakilty Sessions the other day, thefollowing evidence was given:--
"Patrick Feen was examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... Gave defendant's brother a blow of his open hand and knocked him down for fun, and out of friendship. (_Laughter._)"
What a good-natured, open-handed friend Mr. Patrick Feen must be! JohnHegarty, the person assaulted, corroborated the account, and added--
"When he was knocked down, he stopped there. (_Laughter._)"
In fact, he "held the field," and "remained in possession of theground." Who will now say that
the old humour is dying out in Erin?
* * * * *
A CONSTANT DROPPING.--_Father Sullivan (watching Murphy of theBlazers, who has again come to grief at a wall)._ Bedad, he'll soonhave quarried a gap in ivery wall in Galway. He goes no faster thanDonovan's hearse, and he falls over ivery obsthacle he encounthers.
_Father O'Grady._ Faith, ye're right there. Murphy cavat lapidem non vised saypy cadendo!
* * * * *
"DE PROFUNDIS."--_Pat (after a sip)._ "An' which did ye put in first--the whisky or the wather?"
_Domestic._ "The whisky, av coorse."
_Pat._ "Ah thin maybe I'll be coming to 't bye-'n-bye!"]
LUCID!--_Irish Sergeant (to squad at judging-distance drill)._ "Now, ye'll pay the greates of attintion to the man at eight hundred yr-rds: becase, if ye can't see 'm, ye'll be deceived in his 'apparance!!"]
HIBERNIAN VERACITY.--_Paterfamilias (with his family in Ireland)._ "Have you any West India pickles waiter?"
_Paddy._ "We've not, sor."
_Paterfamilias._ "No hot pickles of any description?"
_Paddy._ "No; shure they're all cowld, sor."]
"IT IS SOMETIMES DANGEROUS TO INQUIRE"
_Old Poet_
_Inquisitive Tourist._ "And how do you find the crops this year, Murphy?"
_Murphy._ "How do I find the crops is it? Sure, your honour, 'tis by digging for 'em, any way!"]
* * * * *
MINERALOGICAL DISCOVERY BY AN IRISHMAN.--How to turn brass intogold:--"Marry an heiress."
* * * * *
THE WRONGS OF IRELAND
_Bloated Saxon._ "But surely, is it not the fact that of late years the number of absentees among the Irish landholders is not so large as----"
_Irish Guest._ "Oi big y'r par-r-d'n, sor! 'Give ye me wor-rd 'f honour-r me unhappee countree _swa-ar-rms_ with 'm 't th' pris'nt t-hime!!"]
* * * * *
ALL BLACKS ALL FORLORN.--_Irishman (on hearing of the high pricesoffered for tickets for a big football match)._ Sure, thin, everybody'll be after sellin' their tickets and it's nobody there at all there'll be!
* * * * *
_Nurse._ "Bridget, come here and see a French baby born in Dublin."
_Bridget._ "Poor little darlint! It's a great perplexity you'll be to yourself, I'm thinkin', when you begin shpeakin'!"]
"RELAPSE."--_Squire._ "Why, Pat, what are you doing, standing by the wall of the public-house? I thought you were a teetotaller!"
_Pat._ "Yes, yer honnor. I'm just listenin' to them impenitent boys drinking inside!"]
EXTRACTS FROM THE IRISH HUE AND CRY
Tony Gowan is advertised of having lost "a pig with a very long tail,and a black spot on the tip of its snout that curls up behind."
A cow is described as "very difficult to milk, and of no use to anyonebut the owner, with one horn much longer than the other."
John Hawkins is alluded to as having "a pair of quick grey eyes, withlittle or no whiskers, and a Roman nose, that has a great difficulty inlooking any one in the face."
Betsy Waterton is accused of having "absconded with a chest of drawersand a cock and hen, and has red hair and a broken tooth, none of whichare her own."
The manager of the savings' bank at Dunferry, near Goofowran, is spokenof in these terms: "He had on, when last seen, a pair of corduroytrousers with a tremendous squint rather the worse for wear, besidesan affected lisp, which he endeavours to conceal with a pair of goldspectacles."
* * * * *
_Mrs. O'Flannigan (to husband, who has had india-rubber heels to his boots)._ "Now you sound just like a policeman walking; for, bedad, I can't hear you at all, at all!"]
* * * * *
A burglar has his portrait taken in the following manner:--"He haslittle or no hair, but black eyes on a turned-up nose, which is dyedblack to conceal its greyness."
* * * * *
"THIS BOLDNESS BRINGS RELIEF."--_Massinger. Irish "Boy" (to benevolentOld Gentleman)._ "Maybe yer honour'll give a poor boy something. Sure,it's a dissolute orphin, and deaf and dumb, I am!"
_Absent-minded Old Gentleman (putting his hand in his pocket)._ "Poorfellow!"
* * * * *
A DUBLIN grocer advertises his butter thus:
Best Danish 1_s._ 2_d._ Best Creamery 1_s._ 3_d._ No Better 1_s._ 4_d._
* * * * *
MORE "REVENGE FOR THE UNION."--_Saxon Tourist (at Irish RailwayStation)._ "What time does the half-past eleven train start, Paddy?"
_Porter._ "At thrutty minutes to twilve--sharrup, sor!"
[_Tourist retires up, discomfited._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Malone._ "Why, Pat, what's that ye've got? Is it Moriarty that's insulted ye?"
_Pat._ "He has, begorrah! But he'll have to wait a week!"]
THE UNEMPLOYED QUESTION AGAIN
_The Rector._ "Now, my good man, if you go up to the harvest field, I am sure you will get work."
_Tramping Tim._ "Bedad, sor, it's not work I'm wantin', it's nourishment."]
* * * * *
"LUCUS A NON," &c.--_Visitor._ "How long has your master been away?"
_Irish Footman._ "Well, sorr, if he'd come home yistherday, he'd a'been gone a wake to-morrow but ev he doesn't return the day afther,shure he'll a' been away a fortnight next Thorsday"!!
* * * * *
ECONOMY OF LABOUR
_Young Softroe (who is trying to pick up bargains in polo ponies)._ "Nice pony, but seems inclined to rest that foreleg, don't you know."
_Irish Coper._ "And wasn't that phwat I was tellin' ye now! That's a little horse that's always got a leg to spare. Sure, isn't that the very wan he's restin' now against the time he'll be wantin' ut?"]
* * * * *
_Zoological Specialist (gazing at solitary sea-lion in the DublinZoo)._ Where's his mate?
_Irish Keeper._ He has no mate, sorr. We just fade him on fish.
* * * * *
A POINT TO THE GOOD.--SCENE--_Immediately after a Point-to-PointRace_--_Friend (to Rider of Winner)._ "By Jove, old chap, that was aclose race! Thought you were beaten just on the post."
_Rider_ (_Irish_). "Faith, me boy, that dimonstrates the advantage of abig horse; for, if ye saw the tail of him a thrifle behind, shure theother end of him was a wee bit in front?"
* * * * *
CONFESSION IN CONFUSION.--_Priest._ "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully,how often _do_ you go to chapel?"
_Pat._ "Will, now, shure, oi'll till yer riv'rince the trut'. Faix, Igo as often as I can avoid!"
* * * * *
_School Inspector (anxious to explain the nature of a falsehood)._ Now,supposing I brought you a canary, and told you it was blue, what wouldthat be?
_Student (with taste for natural history)._ Please, sir, a tomtit.
* * * * *
IRISH ITEM.--There have been floods in Cork. Cork, as usual, keptafloat notwithstanding.
* * * * *
ALLOPATHY.--_Paddy (he has brought a prescription to the chemist, who is carefully weighing a very minute portion of calomel)._ "Oi beg yer pardon, sor, but y'are mighty nare wid that mid'cine! And--(_coaxingly_)--I may tell ye--'tis for a poor motherliss child!!"]
"THE POSTMASTER ABROAD AGAIN"
_Pat (to clerk)._ "Surr! I sint tin shillings to me brother through the post, an' he tills me"--(_fuming_)--"he niver got 't!!"
_Clerk (calmly)._ "At what office did you get the order?"
_Pat._ "Shure, thin, it was to yoursilf I gave the money, an' be jabers I've got yer receipt for 't!" (_Produces money order in a fury._) "Look at that, now!!"]
INCORRIGIBLE!
_Irish Attorney (to his clerk, who has taken the blue ribbon, and has been "celebrating the event")._ "I'll not stand it, surr! Wid yer plidges! Instid o' takin' plidges ye're always breakin', ye'd better make no promises at-all-at-all--and kape 'em!!"]
THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE.--_The Principal (from the City, through the telephone, to the foreman at the "Works")._ "How do you get on, Pat?"
_Irish Foreman (in great awe of the instrument)._ "Very well, sir. The goods is sent off."
_The Principal (knowing Pat's failing)._ "What have you got to drink there?"
_Pat (startled)._ "Och! look at that now! It's me breath that done it!"]
"Age cannot wither--nor custom stale His infinite variety"!
_Paddy (to fellow-passenger)._ "Oi'm siventy years of age, and ivery wan o' my teeth as perfect as the day I was born, sor!"]
_Mr. Moriarty._ "Look here, Ada, how much longer, for goodness sake, are ye goin' to be dressin' yourself?"
_Voice from the heights._ "Only ten minutes, dear!"
_Mr. Moriarty._ "Well, all I can say is, if I've got to wait here ten minutes, I'll--I'll be off this blessed moment!"]
Mr. Punch's Irish Humour in Picture and Story Page 3
