_Tim._ "'Doed then it was! He was as long as an umbrella, and had a side on him like a shop shutter!"]
"GENERAL UTILITY."--(Scene--_Hotel Stables, North of Ireland_.) Captain. "Hullo, Pat! What the deuce are you doing to the old mare?"
_Pat_. "Well, you see, Capt'in, our old black hearse horse went lame yesterday that was wanted for Squire Doherty's funeral, so I'm paintin' up the ould grey for the service. You see her body won't show, by rason o' the housin's, and I'll have to wash her clane ag'in for Miss McGinnety's weddin' on the morrow!!"]
"EXCLUSIVE DEALING."--_Irish Landlord (boycotted)._ "Pat, my man, I'm in no end of a hurry. Put the pony to, and drive me to the station, and I'll give ye half a sovereign!"
_Pat (Nationalist, but needy)._ "Och shure, it's more than me loife is worth to be seen droiving _you_, yer honour. But"--_slily_--"if yer honour would jist droive _me_, maybe it's meself that moight venture it!"]
GENERALLY APPLICABLE.--(Scene--_Irish Land Court_). _Sub-Commissioner._ "Now, Murphy, have you effected any improvement in this farm?"
_Tenant._ "I have, yer honour! Iver since I got it I've been improvin' it. But, by jabers, it's that sort o' land, the more ye 'mprove 'it the worrse it gets!!"
[_Court reduces the rent 25 per cent.!_ ] ]
"A PLEASANT PROSPECT."--_Car-Driver (to new agent)._ "Begorra, the wondher is he wasn't shot long before--but, shure, they say, what's iverybody's business is nobody's business!"]
LIFE IN LEITRIM.--_Saxon Angler._ "Oh, but I can't try for a salmon. I haven't got a licence----"
_Native._ "Is it a licence ye want to kill a fish? Shure ye might kill a man or two about here an' nobody'd say a word t' ye!"]
_Gentleman (to Irish ostler, who has brought out their horses)._ "That's my horse."
_Ostler._ "Yes, sorr, Oi know that; but Oi didn't know which of the two was the other gintleman's, sorr!"]
"Bedad! I don't like him at all. He walks lame in his trot."]
_Irish Jarvey._ "Let me dhrive yer honour to Duneen Head."
_English Tourist._ "I have seen that, Pat. I went there two years ago."
_Irish Jarvey._ "Ah, yer honour, shure they 've added to the scenery since that toime!"]
ANOTHER IRISH OBSTRUCTION
_Colonel O'Funk._ "I say, my man, what's on the other side of that rail?"
_Pat._ "Nothing."
_Colonel O'Funk._ "Then, will you take it down, and I'll clear it?"]
ODD!--_The Colonel (stopping at Irish Inn)._ "Look here. What's the meaning of this?"
_Boots._ "Bedad! An' I've got just such another quare pair down below!"]
_The Rector (to Irish Plasterer)._ "That mortar must have been very bad." _Pat (with a grin)._ "Faix, ye cann't expict the likes o' good Roman cimint to stick to a Protestant church, sorr!!"]
THE SIGHTS OF DUBLIN
_Irish Car-Driver._ "Shure that's the Custom-House, sor; but it's only the rare av it you'll be seeing this side, sor--the front's behind!"]
A FAIR OFFER
_Athletic Barman._ "Now, if you don't take yourself off, I'll precious soon turn you out!"
_Pat (with a yell)._ "Tur-r-rn me out! Is it tur-r-rn me out! Thin, bedad! ccome outside, an' tur-r-rn me out!!"]
_Tourist._ "When does the next train start for Cork, porter?"
_Irish Porter._ "She's just gone, sorr!"]
THE NEW CHIMNEY
_Mike._ "Faith, Tim, ye haven't got ut sthraight at all. It lanes over to the roight!"
_Tim._ "Oh, ye're wrong. It's plumb ex-hact! It's myself that plumbed ut mosht careful. Indade, if ut has a fault, it lanes over an inch or tew to the left, when ye look at ut from behoind!!"]
Irish "as she is spoke." (shows Notice saying "Persons Trespassing here without permission will be prosecuted")]
DEGENERACY.--"Shure an your honour, it's things was mighty diffrunt in the ould days when the ginthry be's a cummin' to the parties! 'Tis as much as three pound I'd be takin' of a night! But _now_--why, divil a bit beyant a few coppers ever I sees at all! Mind you, this evenin' I puts a decoy half-crown on the plate myself, and bedad if they didn't take it ov me! But wait--I'll do them the next time--for begorra I'll have it glued to the plate!"]
SEASONED.--_Lady Tourist._ "Are the sheets well aired?"
_Irish Chambermaid._ "Troth, and they are, ma'am; for the sayson is three months begun, and they've been well used since!"]
HOW FATHER O'SHEE LAID IN HIS CHRISTMAS COALS
Young Patsy Molloy was as purty a boy As was ever of widdy the pride and the joy; And as for his ass, sorra crather could pass That beautiful baste, but for one fault, alas! When she felt she'd a load, you might kick and might goad, But divil a fut would she move on the road, Till you'd tickle her bones wid a handful of stones-- And _that_ hint she'd take, the desateful ould toad!
* * * * *
The Widdy, half dead with could, looked in the shed, But sorra the peat could she find; so she said, "Sure I'm clane out of few'l, and the could is that crew'l; Take the baste for a load of Wallsends, Pat, my jew'l!"
Pat with donkey cart talking to the Widdy]
* * * * *
Pat went, filled his cart, and for home made a start, But the baste wid her tantrums well-nigh bruk his heart For never a stip would she move, the ould rip! But she stood like a pig wid her legs wide apart. "Ochone! wirra-'sthrue! Arrah, what will I do?" Cried Pat, as he sat in a terrible stew.
Pat with loaded donkey cart, donkey being stubborn]
Then he called on the Saints, and he called on the d---- (I won't say the word--sure it wouldn't be civil!) When, as good luck would be, by strowls Father Shee, And he says, "My son Patsy! my son Pat!" says he, '"Sich language is really shocking to me. Sure, what is the matther?" "The matther!" says Pat "Now, saving your prisence, by this and by that! The murthering brute will not budge--not a fut."
Says the Priest, "Why not bate her?" Oh wasn't he cute! "Is it batin'?" says Pat. "By the Saint in my hat! 'Tisn't batin' she cares for--bad luck to the slut! Ochone and ochone! if I'd only a stone----!" "A stone!" says the Priest--ah thin, wasn't he artful?-- "A stone! Why, ye omadhaun, look at yer cartfull!"
Pat with loaded donkey cart talking to Priest]
"Thrue for you!" Pat sings out; "them's the jockeys'll do," And clutching two handsful with joyous "Hurroo," He let fly in haste at the back of his baste, That not likin' the taste, started off as if chased By the ould one himself, for a good rood or two. But Pat knew the thrick, and whenever she'd kick, Or stop in her canther, the coals would fall thick On her ribs and her back, till the road was asthrew Wid best Wallsends, and Patsy's poor baste black and blue!
* * * * *
Donkey galloping, cart now empty]
Ten minutes, and cute Father Shee you'd have seen, Wid his shovel and crate, and his purty colleen. And he says, "Colleen dhas, sure 'tis wicked to pass The good things that's sent, though they're brought by an ass.
Colleen with shovel and Priest]
D'ye see them black diamonds? It's elegant coal-- Shovel up every lump, if you vally your soul!"
* * * * *
As for Pat and the widdy--I will not be guessing What _he_ got--but I'll go bail 't wasn't a blessing!
Pat with donkey cart talking to the Widdy]
* * * * *
INDUCTIVE.--_Officer._ "How's this, Murphy? The sergeant complains that you called him names!"
_Private Murphy._ "Plaze, surr, I niver called him anny names at all. All I said was, 'Sergeant,' says I, 'some of us ought to be in a menagerie!!'"]
FROM ONE POINT OF VI
EW.--Scene--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their verdict except Irish juryman (who holds out)._ "Ah, thin, iliv'n more obstinit' men I nivir met in all me loife!!"]
AN IRISH INTRO-DUC-TION.--_Village Dame (addressing a brood of young ducks which she has just thrown into the pond for a first swim)._ "Ther' now, you be landed!"]
OUR MILITARY MAN[OE]UVRES.--_Irish Drill-Sergeant (to squad of militiamen)._ "Pr's'nt 'rrms!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"Hiv'ns! what a 'prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"]
IRISH ASSURANCE.--_The O'Mullygan (who has been assuring his life)._ "Hah! Another word, gintlemen! Oi hear a good deal about mercantile frauds and financial irrigularities, an' I've only this to say: if moy ixicutors have any bother in getting this paid, 'faith Oi'll ixterpate int-hirely the thin sitting board!--actuiry, sicretary, and ivery man jack iv ye! Make your mimorandum o' that, an' good day t'ye!!"]
AN IRISH "SEQUITUR."--_Traveller (they had already walked a mile from the station)._ "Hi, I say, porter, do you call this 'no way at all?' I thought Donnybrook Lodge was near the terminus."
_Pat_. "Faix, I cannt say, sor, I was a follerin' o' you gintlemen!!"]
* * * * *
THE WIND TO PLEASE THE PIGS.--Sow-sow west.
* * * * *
THE ROOT OF IRISH EVIL.--It used to be said that the Irish people wereunwise on relying on the potato. Their reliance on 'taturs was foolishenough, but still more foolish is their faith in agitators.
END OF THE VOLUME, blown from saxophone by Mr Punch, observed by Toby]
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
* * * * *
Transciber's Notes
Obvious typographical errors have been silently corrected.
Punctuation, particularly the use of " has been rationalised, othervariations in punctuation and spelling are as in the original.
Page 5 "##bulls" whisky, the beginning of the name is missing.
Page 88 "tableau v[e]evant". The letter between v and e is illegible.
Italics are shown thus _italic_.
Mr. Punch's Irish Humour in Picture and Story Page 5
