Locked Out of Heaven

by Shirley Benton

  Locked

  out of

  Heaven

  This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, businesses, organisations and incidents portrayed in it are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons,

  living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Published 2020

  by Poolbeg Press Ltd.

  123 Grange Hill, Baldoyle,

  Dublin 13, Ireland

  Email: poolbeg@poolbeg.com

  © Shirley Benton 2020

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  © Poolbeg Press Ltd, 2019, copyright for editing, typesetting, layout, design, ebook.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 978178199-345-3 (Print on demand)

  ISBN 978178199-343-9 (Ebook)

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. The book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  www.poolbeg.com

  About the Author

  Shirley Benton is an Irish author. Three of her books, Looking for Leon, Can We Start Again? and Where is My Mind?, were also published by Poolbeg Press Limited. Locked Out of Heaven is Shirley’s fourth book. She lives in County Meath, Ireland.

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks to Poolbeg Press Limited for the opportunity to share this book with the world! Thanks are also due to my family and friends.

  Dedication

  To Bernie B.

  Prologue

  Wanted – Boomerangers!

  Are you in your thirties and living at home with your parents? Did you try to fly the nest but return to where you began? Are you a boomeranger?

  If so, we want to hear from you! Eire TV is currently inviting applications from members of the public to participate in our exciting new show, Diary of a Boomeranger. Fantastic remuneration opportunities for the right candidate. Email Eire TV for more details.

  Chapter 1

  Susie and Willie were on their last plate and cup respectively. By now, there wasn’t a thing left in the kitchen that they hadn’t broken apart from those.

  I shook my head. I knew people looked at me when we were out in public and wondered how I put up with them. I often tried to pretend they had nothing to do with me, moving away from them on the pavement and tutting loudly, but that just made me look as crazy as they were. The family resemblance was too strong for anyone to believe they weren’t actually related to me. Willie and I shared the same wild curly hair, while Susie and I had exactly the same wide brown eyes – bar a few decades of difference, of course.

  “Susie, put that down!” I roared. “What do you expect us to drink out of? Our shoes? As for you,” I said to Willie, “will you be the one who’ll be washing the floor we’ll have to eat off? No, of course you won’t. I’ll be the eejit doing it, just like I do everything else around here.”

  They ignored me. Just like they always did.

  “Do you have any idea how much it’s going to cost to replace all this stuff?”

  “He never leaves me alone,” Susie said in the sulky voice she always used when she was fighting with Willie. “Always at me . . .”

  “Stop it,” I said as Willie drew breath to fire back at Susie. “Don’t even think about . . .”

  I couldn’t even hear myself finish. Willie was off. He ranted, he raved, and he polished off his ranting and raving by firing the cup on the ground and stamping on it.

  There was silence when his little performance ended. Susie had run out of steam and Willie was starting to look sheepish. As for me, all I could do was shake my head at them again.

  “Of all the sets of parents in the world, why was I landed with you?”

  I stomped out of the house as Willie murmured, “Ah, Holly,” and, “Come back,” half-heartedly, with me only just stopping short of yelling at them that I didn’t ask to be born. I was thirty-six – thirty-fecking-six.

  How had this happened? How was this my life?

  Chapter 2

  Two weeks earlier

  It was raining when I pulled up outside my parents’ three-bedroomed terraced house. It’s always raining in Blackbeg, or that’s how it feels, anyway. I bundled three of my four kids out of the car and up the short, narrow path to the front door, glad that Hayley is living in town now and isn’t around for this. Susie’s permanently troubled face peered out of the gap in the grey net curtains, her expression darkening as we approached the front door. She and Willie weren’t expecting us at this time of night, or at any other time, either.

  It took the woman who wouldn’t allow me to call her Mum a while to open the door. I beseeched her with my eyes to say nothing right then, to ask no questions. Sarah takes in every word that’s said these days, as most five-year-olds do.

  Susie stepped sideways and flipped her hand into the space she’d just vacated. I seized on Susie’s grudging permission to enter and rushed into the hall.

  We established that we’d be staying the night without the matter being directly addressed. Willie quietly sorted out a room upstairs for the four of us and mentioned as he was passing through the sitting room that it was ready. When the kids were asleep, Susie’s interrogation started.

  “Whatever’s happened? It must be bad to make you come here.”

  Willie left the room.

  “I’ve left Terry for good, Susie.”

  “What do you mean, you’ve left Terry? You don’t get up and leave a man you’ve been married to for almost twenty years!”

  “I know you were very fond of him—”

  “Were? Have you killed him?”

  “No, much as I’d love to.”

  “What could possibly be so bad that you’d walk out on that man after all he’s given you?”

  “I can’t talk about it yet. It’s too soon.”

  “You’ve kids to think about, Holly. You have a responsibility to them, you know.”

  “That’s why I’m here, Susie. Will you help me or not?”

  Truthfully, I wouldn’t have ended up on my parents’ doorstep at all if I’d had my purse with me. I’d been driving to a hotel with the kids, unable to spend another second under the same roof as Terry, when I remembered I’d taken the purse out earlier in the day to retrieve my credit card to buy him some ridiculously expensive brand of hair-thickening shampoo – even though he’d ultimately be paying for it himself, seeing as he paid all of the family bills.

  My own hair was falling out in clumps since I’d had my son a few months ago, yet there was no way I’d spend so much on a shampoo. But Terry would. He was like that, and he’d like this present. I was so busy musing on what a waste of money it was that I forgot to put my purse back in my handbag, which was overflowing with receipts and soothers and required a shovel to wade through its contents. As a result, I hadn’t even noticed my purse was missing when I’d grabbed my handbag before leaving my husband. When Terry left a voicemail to say he‘d got home from work early and was wondering where I was, the possibility of going back for my purse was obliterated. And now, here I was in Blackbeg – the type of place you only went to if you had nowhere else to go.

  “Is this about another woman?” Susie asked after a long period of
silence – well, about thirty seconds, but long by Susie’s standards.

  I shrugged. I could hardly tell her the graphic details of what I’d witnessed with Terry and the blonde.

  “Holly! You can’t walk out on your marriage if he’s only slept with someone . . .”

  “If he’s only slept with someone? Are you serious?”

  “Ah, young people these days just march away as soon as there’s trouble. But you? I thought you were old enough to have a bit of sense. Do you not think men cheated on their wives years ago? People just put up or shut up.”

  “What are you saying – Willie cheated on you?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! Willie would never cheat on me – he’s not brave enough.”

  “But if he had been brave, would you have been okay about it?”

  “Certainly not! But I’d have at least tried to work it out instead of walking out on my marriage and uprooting my kids.”

  “And how do you know I haven’t tried to work it out with Terry?”

  “Because you, my dear girl, have been looking for an excuse to get away from that man since the day you got married. Hayley was the only thing that kept you together, then you had three other children and that’s stalled the ball on you leaving him – but it was always coming. It was just a matter of when.”

  “Don’t turn this around and make it into being my fault!”

  I shook my head. Coming here had been a big mistake, but what other options did I have?

  Oran started to cry. I took a bottle out of a warming bag.

  “I thought you were breastfeeding him?”

  “I stopped. It wasn’t working out.”

  “It wasn’t the only thing, by the looks of it. And what did Terry have to say about all this? He’d hardly let you go without a fight . . .”

  I dropped my gaze to the floor.

  “Holly, he does know you’ve left, doesn’t he?”

  “He should by now. I left a note on the mirror – he’ll be sure to find it there – just in case he called the police or anything stupid like that.”

  “So you’ve just done a runner without even giving him the chance to explain himself?”

  “There’s nothing to explain! Without getting into the details, I saw his betrayal myself!”

  “Hmm. I suppose he’ll be knocking on the door any minute, so.” Susie’s hand involuntarily jumped to her hair to smooth it down. She’d always cared far too much about what Terry thought.

  “The note said we were going to a hotel tonight.” I tried not to blush. It didn’t work.

  “I see. And really, this house is the very last place he’d expect to find you, let’s be honest.”

  I felt a row coming on.

  “Susie, I’m so tired. I can’t talk about Terry – or anything else – right now. I really need to go to bed if I’m to be any use to the kids tomorrow.”

  “Very convenient, Holly.”

  “Please, Mum, just leave it for now.”

  “Mum” shut her up, as I knew it would.

  “We’ll talk about this in the morning,” she said as she stood up to leave. “This isn’t over.”

  I knew that would be exactly Terry’s attitude, too.

  Chapter 3

  Susie had been right about Terry, of course. When he finally located me the next day, he was all geared up for a fight – his confidence bolstered by the fact that Susie was completely and utterly on his side from the minute he crossed the threshold.

  We’d been watching Telly Bingo when the doorbell rang. I was instantly fearful. Nobody ever came to visit us except by arranged appointment and Susie hadn’t mentioned that anybody would be calling round. The doorbell in our house usually meant something very bad had happened. Susie’s expression, however, was one of relief.

  “I’ll get it.” Susie was up and off before I could say anything.

  “Ah, Terry, it’s yourself! Come on in,” Susie said, not so much as a hint of recrimination in her voice. “Holly’s in here. Willie’s taken the children out to the playground and Oran’s asleep, but I’m sure you’ll see them all later.” She led him into the sitting room.

  Terry’s expression was indignant. As I’d expected.

  “Look who’s here!” Susie said. She looked as happy as a lotto winner on the news collecting their cheque.

  I looked away.

  “Terry, love, sit down there and I’ll make you a cup of tea,” Susie said as if there was absolutely nothing wrong at all.

  She even patted the space on the couch beside me in case there was any confusion on where Terry’s place was both in this house and in my life. Any minute now she’d be begging Terry to take me back and even offering to pay him compensation for the stress this whole sorry mess must have put him through.

  Terry sat down. I got up.

  “I don’t want you here.”

  “Holly, what the hell are you playing at?”

  “I could ask you the same question.”

  He stood up. “What’s got into you? You walk out on me, you take my children away and then you won’t even answer my calls.”

  “Oh, you’re concerned about your children all of a sudden, are you?”

  “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Get out of my parents’ home before I—”

  “Holly!” Susie walked into the room with a packet of digestives in her hand. “You have an obligation to sort out your marriage problems. Terry’s been forced to come here because you won’t see him—”

  “Don’t get involved, Susie.”

  “You won’t answer his calls—”

  “I said, don’t get involved! Please.”

  “And after how you treated him before you got married, you should be grateful he’s still running after you—”

  “Mum! For once in your life, keep your nose out of my personal life.”

  The room was shrouded in silence for several seconds afterwards.

  Susie shook her head sadly. “This is what I have to put up with, Terry. Is it any wonder I want you to take her back so that I can get her off my hands?”

  “Susie, listen—”

  “No, you listen, lady. This man here beside me,” she said, running her hands up and down the space to Terry’s left in the manner of a magician about to perform a great trick, “is a good man. A decent man. A hard-working man and God knows, a patient man. You’ll never meet the likes of him again and you’ll be a fool if you let him go. Whatever went on between you, he deserves a chance for airtime.”

  If she only knew. If she had any idea of who the man standing beside her really was, she’d die a thousand times over. I couldn’t be responsible for doing that to her, but I couldn’t stand here and let her make a fool of herself pouring praise on him either while he lapped it up. Even Paul Daniels couldn’t magic someone like Terry into a decent person. The only magician around here was Terry for tricking me so convincingly for nineteen years.

  “Okay.” I flicked my eyes at Terry. “Let’s go somewhere private to talk.”

  “Great!” Susie’s face lit up. “I’ll call round next door for . . . an ashtray.”

  The room was overflowing with ashtrays. Besides, Susie hated our next-door neighbours. God love her, she badly wanted me to get back with Terry.

  Terry wasn’t going to put my mother out of her own home.

  “No, no, we’ll go for a walk. It’s a nice dry evening.”

  I strode ahead of Terry as we made our way down the short driveway and along the street, as far away from the house as possible.

  “Holly, wait.”

  Terry reached my side. I swivelled on my heel and slapped him on the face with all of my might.

  “I saw what you did,” I spat.

  He slowly put a hand up to his face. “What exactly did you see?”

  So I told him. I told him everything – what I’d seen, when I’d seen it, how I’d come to see it. I gave him all the information I had, to spare myself the inevitable lies he’d use to wriggle
his way out of the situation.

  “Oh, God. Look, I had my reasons,” he eventually said when I’d purged myself of all facts and figures. “I don’t expect you to understand them, but—”

  “I’m not interested in hearing them.”

  “Holly, there are things going on that you don’t know about—”

  “Why? Because you’ve kept them from me?”

  “Yes, to protect you. Look, once I started this I couldn’t get out of it. I made a mistake. You once made one too, remember? The difference is that I forgave you.”

  “This is not about me.”

  “Do you actually think I wanted all this to happen? There have been so many problems with the pubs recently – our pubs and our livelihood. I’ve tried talking to you about it all but you didn’t want to know. You had too much going on with the kids and you just kept shutting me out.”

  “So what, you thought doing something like this would be the answer to all of your problems?”

  “It felt like the only thing I could do. It doesn’t mean anything, Holly. You know how crazy I am about you, always have been—”

  I held up a hand. “No. Your excuses or reasons or whatever they are don’t matter to me, Terry. There’s absolutely no way back from this.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! I make one mistake and that’s it? The last nineteen years suddenly mean nothing?”

  “What you’ve done is the ultimate betrayal. I wish to God I never had to see your face again.”

  Terry paced in front of me before coming over to stand beside me, running his fingers through his thinning hair.

  “Okay, I understand how upset you must be. You need space. We can talk once you’ve had a chance to calm down.”