Locked Out of Heaven

by Shirley Benton

  “Susie’s upstairs resting – the hospital let her out earlier – and Willie has gone to the supermarket for Viscounts and other essentials. The kids are in bed and the guests have all left.”

  “How’s Susie?”

  “She’d be a lot better if she stopped neglecting herself. She’s wasting away, but I think that’s what she wants. This latest development will probably finish her off.”

  Damo winced. “I’m so sorry for my part in this. Terry started on me when I went outside for a smoke. I should have ignored him . . . I never meant to say anything.”

  “Were you . . . I mean, had you been . . .”

  “Drinking? No, Holly. The argument just ran away with me.”

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

  “I don’t blame you for asking.”

  “Damo, when did you find out about Terry supplying Ricky? Have you known about it all these years?”

  Damo looked at the ground and nodded.

  “I found out after the wedding. I didn’t know what to do with myself after you married him and I just knew there was something off about him. I got a bit obsessed about him, I suppose it’s fair to say. I did a few checks on him, but I couldn’t get anything concrete on him. Then eventually someone he’d pissed off in the past told me about Terry’s drug dealing but that he’d packed it in after a young lad had died after taking drugs Terry had supplied.

  “I tried to take him down, Holly, but I couldn’t get any evidence on him. It was too late. He’d stopped by then. The guy who told me about Terry’s misdemeanours refused to go on the record. There was nowhere I could take it.”

  “You could have brought it to me, Damo.”

  “And destroy your life? You were married to him and pregnant with Hayley. Why would you believe me, anyway? You chose him over me. It would have seemed like a pack of lies to get you back when I had no evidence to back up what I was saying. Then when I met you again a while ago, you’d left him. There was nothing for you to gain then by knowing.”

  “Did Sammy know?”

  “No.”

  I believed him. If she’d known, she’d have told me. And what would I have done then? Would I have left Terry when there was a baby on the way? Where would I have gone? I was so furious with Susie at that time for forcing me to marry Terry that we weren’t even speaking to each other. If I’d found out at eighteen years of age that the man my mother had forced me to marry had played a part in my brother’s death and now I was carrying that man’s baby, I honestly don’t know what I would have done.

  “I think you did the right thing, Damo,” I said eventually. “At least now I have enough life experience to deal with it. I might have wasted my life with the wrong person, but I wouldn’t have my four beautiful children if I hadn’t.”

  “I just wanted to apologise in person before I leave,” Damo said.

  “Oh?”

  “I’ve taken a leave of absence from work and I’m moving back to Offaly to live with my parents for a while. I told them what’s happening and they want to support me. I could do with having someone to keep tabs on me for a while, pathetic and all as that is.”

  “Do whatever it takes to beat this, Damo.”

  “This is probably an extreme measure, but hopefully it’ll help. Looks like I’m a boomeranger now, too!”

  “Well, let me give you a little advice. Boomeranger rule number one: do not go on a TV show!”

  Damo laughed. “I can’t see it happening, somehow. It’s not me.”

  “It wasn’t me, either.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  Luke’s face popped into my head.

  “Actually, I don’t. I’ve met some very nice people out of it. But never again!”

  And then something happened that I’d never have anticipated. Susie came downstairs and apologised to Damo. Damo accepted her apology with his characteristic humility and asked her if she’d like a cup of tea and a biscuit. He produced a packet of Viscounts while I went to the kitchen to put on the kettle. A few minutes later, they were chatting like old friends.

  When Damo stood up a half an hour later to leave, I could tell I wasn’t the only one who was sorry to see him go.

  “Keep in touch, Damo,” I said as he slowly walked down the driveway.

  He turned round and nodded, then continued walking. I was just about to close the front door, when he called me.

  “Holly? Don’t let Terry ruin your future. I hope you meet someone special again sometime and if you do, give them a chance.”

  I smiled. “You never know – I just might . . .”

  “Luke was trying to ring you,” Susie said when I went back inside.

  “Oh, right.” I grabbed my phone. “Thanks.”

  “Your ‘oh, right’ doesn’t fool me, lady. Is Luke the reason why Damo was looking so sorry for himself?”

  “No, no. It’s a long story – can we talk later?”

  I ran out into the hall to ring Luke back.

  “Well hello there,” I purred when Luke answered the phone. “How are you?”

  “Have you seen the Evening Bugle?” Luke said immediately.

  “No . . .”

  “Paul was fired yesterday, but the bastard has leaked the story to the papers. Look online.”

  I ran to the computer and looked up the Evening Bugle website. The front page of that day’s edition was emblazoned with the words: “Terry Kenyon supplied wife’s brother with killer drugs”.

  Chapter 59

  The phone was hopping. Bouncing.

  Although discomfiting, not alone because of who was calling but because I couldn’t afford a new phone if it vibrated off the table, it was easy to turn it off and pretend the journalists didn’t exist. That they and their tempting financial offers were only a figment of my imagination.

  It wasn’t quite so easy to deal with, though, when they started coming to the house.

  “You’re lowering the tone of the neighbourhood,” Susie told them before slamming the window in their faces.

  We managed a laugh at that, but it died off fairly fast.

  Susie pulled the curtains.

  “Terry thought he was so great, with his big fancy house. Heaven, indeed. Thank God he’ll be locked out of the real heaven when his time is up. Ricky’s safe from him up there.”

  “I thought you didn’t believe in God or heaven or any of that stuff?”

  “I have to believe in it all again now. If there’s no heaven, there’s no hell, and the only thing that’ll keep me going through whatever time I have left is the thought of that bastard burning for all eternity down below.” She looked out of the window again. “So what’s actually stopping you, Holly? I’ll tell these people to go away for the next year if I have to, but what’s holding you back?”

  “What?”

  “Sell the bastard up the river by talking about what he did to Ricky. He deserves it.”

  “What about the kids?”

  “After what Terry has done, I don’t think a few more newspaper articles could make things much worse for them. The younger kids would be completely oblivious, anyway. That man owes you, in every sense, and this is the way to get what you’re due.”

  “No. It wouldn’t be fair on Hayley to have her dad plastered all over the news.”

  “Hayley’s the one who changed my mind, actually. It’s what she wants you to do. Wait a minute . . .”

  Susie left the room to get Hayley. We’d had to tell her that her father had been dealing drugs after she overheard Susie and I discussing the situation. Realistically, we’d have had to tell her anyway, in case it all came out in the papers now that Terry was on the radar for this kind of activity. Hayley had been furious and was refusing to speak to Terry since. I felt so sorry for her to have been landed with this situation at such a young age, but as we’d all found out, life wasn’t kind sometimes.

  Susie returned with a sullen Hayley.

  “Tell her what you told me this morning.”

/>   “You should take the interviews, Mum. We need the money. You know we do. Dad’s already all over the newspapers – we all are, because of him and his lies. He’s been a complete arsehole and he deserves every bit of negative press he gets.”

  “Out of the mouths of babes,” Susie said.

  I stood up, walked to the front door and said the words that I knew needed to be said.

  Chapter 60

  First thing the next morning, I was woken by the feel of someone plopping onto my bed. I looked up.

  “Susie! I was expecting Sarah.”

  “I suppose I do weigh about the same as her.”

  “Is everything okay?” I said as I sat up.

  Susie wasn’t one for coming into my room and sitting on my bed.

  “I want to talk to you about . . . well, pretty much everything.”

  “Oh?” I looked at the clock – it was six thirty. “Is that why you’re in here at this hour?”

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “So I can’t, either?” I said, but I smiled to take the edge off my words. “Okay. Hit me with it.”

  “We need to start with Ricky.”

  “Okay,” I said nervously.

  Susie didn’t do these kinds of serious conversations. The last time we’d had one of these talks, my entire future had been affected.

  “After Ricky’s death, I did a lot of thinking. I did nothing but think. Not just about him, but about us, our family . . . you. When I examined our relationship, I didn’t like what I saw.”

  “In what respect?”

  “Every. I focused too much on Ricky. It wasn’t fair on any of you. Then I fell into such a slump after his death, and you and Cliff suffered hugely.”

  “We understood,” I said.

  “Whether you did or not, you lost me. And when I was ready to come back, it was too late. I’d lost the pair of you by then and I never got you back. Look at Cliff – he never comes home unless he absolutely has to. I suppose I messed up day one when I called him Cliff. He was always looking for an excuse to fall out with me permanently after a lifetime of being called Cliff Richards, but I really managed to finish the job off properly.

  “As for you, I think you had a bit more patience with me until I made you marry the wrong man. I was trying to overcompensate with you when you met Terry because I’d made such a mess of things with Ricky. I was determined not to let you do something that I thought would cause you damage in the long run. I got it all very wrong.”

  I summoned words that would make her feel better. As I opened my mouth to spill them out, she cut across me.

  “Admit it. You hated me for years over it, didn’t you?”

  I eventually shrugged.

  “Hated is a bit over the top. Resented would be more accurate. There were bouts of sticking my fingers up at pictures of you. Lengthy periods of seeing how many curses I could say about you without feeling like I was going to go to hell. Nothing too bad – you’re still my mother, after all.

  “Oh, and there was that time I bought a voodoo doll in my early twenties and a set of pins. I only used it once, but I was told it would have a lasting effect . . . sorry . . .”

  “So that’s what my perennially sore back is about. Okay, well there’s a mystery solved that I’d expected to take to my grave.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, I’m sorry. Very, very sorry.”

  “You did what you thought was right at the time, Mum. It’s too late now for regrets.”

  After waiting all these years for an apology from Susie, I didn’t quite know how to deal with it now that I had it. Thankfully, she had something else on her mind to talk about.

  “About Terry. I think we should report him to the guards for drug dealing, Holly. I know you’ll probably want to say nothing to protect the kids and ultimately it’s your decision, but I personally think we can’t let him do what he did to us to another family.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, Holly. I know Hayley might get some stick for it, but the others are young enough for it not to impact them.”

  “No, I mean about me probably not wanting to say anything. The only thing that’s been stopping me all this time is how much it’d kill you to find out what a rat Terry really is.”

  “Well, now I know and I’m still alive – for as long as this cancer lets me.”

  “If only I’d taken the CCTV tape with me when I left. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

  “Of course you weren’t. But, Holly, the guards will ask you why you didn’t report this as soon as you saw the CCTV. You need to be prepared for that.”

  “But how could I? It wasn’t that simple.”

  “I know that, you know that, but to an outsider, it might appear as if you were concealing his activities. Look, Holly, what’s done is done. You have no proof now of what Terry was doing. The best thing is for us is to put an anonymous call through to the guards so that they can monitor Terry’s activities from now on, both from where he lives and where he works. That way, he can’t hurt anyone else.

  “Feel free to tell Terry that we reported him if you want. Just remember that everything you did, you did to protect your family. You have nothing to feel bad about.”

  “I just hope Hayley doesn’t hate me for reporting her dad.”

  “Hayley’s furious at Terry. She’ll understand that this is the right thing to do.”

  We talked for another while until there was a knock on the door. Hayley came in, looking dishevelled.

  “Why are you two up so early yakking? I can’t sleep with the mumbling coming through the wall.”

  I told Hayley what we’d been discussing.

  “I guessed that was coming,” she said.

  “And how do you feel about it?”

  “Dad’s let me down. He’s let us all down. Do what you think needs to be done, Mum.”

  I felt so sorry for my eldest daughter. I could only hope that she’d be okay in time. Like her granny, she was made of strong stuff.

  “I was just saying to Susie, too, that I’m glad I told the journalists to get stuffed with their interviews. I’m not pimping myself or my life to make a quick buck any more, Hayley. One thing I’ve learned is that there are no quick fixes. There’s no way to get on in life except through sheer hard work. The likes of Kim Kardashian are few and far between. For every Kim, there’s thousands of others who get nowhere.”

  When Hayley didn’t contradict me, I decided to press on.

  “And you know what else? Just because you can avail of an opportunity doesn’t mean you should. It mightn’t be the right thing for you. I know it’s difficult, love. Young people these days are being seduced by a lifestyle that seems glamorous and easy, but things aren’t always as they seem.

  “It’s only the lucky few who really experience huge success through things like reality TV shows. And to be honest, I’d question whether they’re really lucky or not. There’s no substitute for hard work to learn to appreciate things and to help you grow as a person.”

  “While all of that’s true, and Hayley should bear it in mind when choosing a college course this year, I’d like to say something too, whenever you’re ready.”

  I nodded.

  Susie cleared her throat. “It may interest you to know that I’ve decided to take treatment.”

  Hayley squealed.

  “Gran, that’s the best news I’ve ever heard!”

  “Stop sounding so excited, Hayley. This isn’t like winning One Step in the Right Direction concert tickets. The treatment might not cure me. I’ll probably be as sick as a small hospital while I’m receiving it. Also, I’m sure I haven’t done myself any favours by leaving it this long after my diagnosis. But I can’t change what’s past. It’s the future I’m thinking about now.”

  “What changed your mind?” I asked.

  “Let’s just say I won’t let the bastards beat me. If I’m going down, it’ll be with a fight.”

  “In other words, my dad’s beha
viour,” Hayley said. “And it’s One Direction, by the way. But this is definitely a step in the right direction. You can’t kill a bad thing, Gran!”

  “Well, we’ll soon find out. But if it doesn’t work, we’ll all just have to accept this. It’s life – we live, we eventually die. Some die too soon. I’ve had a good run of things and was blessed with the most wonderful children and grandchildren anyone could ask for.” She got up slowly. “Speaking of which, I’m off now to ring Cliff.”

  “Susie, it’s only quarter to seven in the morning. You know Cliff isn’t a morning person.”

  “It’s never too early in the day to hear from your mother. And on that note, Holly, I think it’s high time you started calling me Mum again. What sort of a cheeky article calls her mother by her first name?”

  I could only roll my eyes as Susie left and Hayley dissolved into giggles.

  Chapter 61

  “No, Sarah,” I said. “Put that back. Haven’t I told you before that eating cooking chocolate turns your skin the colour of poo? Eat your yoghurty thing instead!”

  “Mum, there’s nothing in this!”

  Debbie ran across the kitchen towards me, a full Frube yoghurt in her hand. She squeezed it violently. The yoghurt flew out, projectile-style, all over my face. Debbie squealed with laughter.

  From the sitting room, I heard the sound of Oran crying as I wiped the yoghurt off my face with a grotty tea towel. Bottle time again. I tried to fight back the tiredness. I’d had a long week viewing places to rent, all of which were entirely unsuitable for us.

  The doorbell rang.

  “Holly, can you get that?” Susie barely looked up from her newspaper.

  “Seriously?” I threw a pointed look at Willie, who was sitting right beside her.

  Susie lazily picked up her cup of tea from the table and took a sip. “It’s probably not for us, anyway.”

  The doorbell rang again. I stomped out into the hall, sighing. I wasn’t expecting anyone, either. It was probably someone selling a line.

  “About time,” Cliff said when I answered the door.

  “Cliff! What are you doing here? Come in, quick, before you change your mind.”