Fine.
Spying on me?
Without my knowledge?
I wasn’t aware of my hand moving until I heard the loud slap of it connecting with his face and felt the sting tumbling through each digit.
“Okay.” He massaged the side of his chin, rolling his mouth around before glancing up at me. “I deserved that.”
I finally jerked free from his hold and made a fist. Left cross. Opposite side. My knuckles sang painfully at the impact but it felt damn good.
“God damn it.” He popped his jaw. I bared my teeth. Tanner smashed himself back into the sofa cushions and held his hands up. “No. Stop hitting me.”
Somehow, someway, I found my voice amidst broken glass and pulled it free despite how much it hurt to do so. What emerged was the barest whisper, but it was mine and it was pissed.
“I can't believe you were watching me.” I shook my head, disappointment warring with anger and making my heart hurt in ways I had thought myself beyond. “I can't believe you of all people would do this to me.”
Tanner blinked, obviously stunned by hearing me utter the longest sentences I had ever managed. His mouth opened. Closed. He raked his fingers through his hair again and again until it was an utter mess. “C’mon. Don't look at me like that.” Whatever look I was giving him stayed right where it was. His face flushed. He cursed under his breath, several times. “I knew you would be pissed but somebody needed to do it. It's not a big deal.”
Not a big deal.
Not. A. Big. Deal.
I knew I wasn't exactly open about what had happened to me, and he hadn't joined until a few years after the fire and ash, but I thought for sure he had at least picked up enough. Now, I realized I had been completely wrong about that assumption.
He had no idea.
No fucking idea at all what it was like to be treated as if I were a thing instead of a person. A pet instead of a grown woman fully capable of making her own decisions.
I was going to throw up and I was going to hurt him. I wasn't sure in what order those things were going to happen.
He opened his mouth and continued to prove he didn't know me like I thought he did. “Technically, Tone was the one who told me where-” I took a single step forward. “Fine. I ordered him to and I’m not sorry. If you’re waiting for an apology, you aren’t going to get one.”
“I’m not a child,” I snarled, feeling like my throat was bleeding from the talons inside of it, despite knowing the sensation was only in my head. A sensation made worse by how much the look in his eyes told me he wasn't hearing me. The same way no one had cared to hear my cries. My pleas. My desperation. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter.”
“You sure about that?” he hissed in a voice I had never heard from him. He stood in a rush, unsteady on his feet but in my face all the same. The smell of smoke and stale beer washed over me in conjunction with his hurtful words. A one two punch to leave me reeling. “Going home with that piece of shit was beyond dumb.” My shoulders rose at the insult lobbied at Carlos but I couldn’t think about it right then. “How am I supposed to trust you not go get into things over your head when you can't even see what's right in front of you?”
What? I didn't know what he meant. I didn't know why he was acting so angry with me in the first place. He was the one tearing the foundations of our friendship to bits, scattering them at our feet one word at a time.
He shook his head, something similar to disgust curled his lip. The foreign look on his face was another blow to my chest, making me rock back on my feet. I barely recognized the man standing in front of me.
“You still don't see it, do you?” Tanner looked down his nose, eyes frenzied. “How the fuck is that even possible after all this time?”
“See what?” I spat, sick of this train wreck in progress but unable to walk away before the inevitable collision. My pride wouldn't let me.
I don't run.
“Me,” he spat back, stepping forward and further invading my space. The alcohol on his breath burned my nose. Almost as badly as the lasers shooting from his eyes. “Since the day we met, I've been by your side and you still don't see me.”
For a second, hurt shone through then disappeared. My own rage waned in response, not caring how badly I needed it to endure the scowl I was sure I didn't deserve.
“All this time, Sly. All this fucking time spent trying to give you room to be you for as long as you needed. And after it all, you come down here and fuck Carlos?!”
I flinched, wanting to fold in half. My stomach turned over, bile rising in the back of my throat as my face paled. This was worse than him thinking he could tell me what to do. So much worse. I was sure my feet were still on the floor, but it didn't feel like it.
My stance was rigid, but my heart. God, my heart was in a tailspin I didn't think I could pull out of, headed for a fiery, explosive crash.
The things he was saying….
I met his hard stare head on, searching and praying for something in his face to tell me he was lying. I desperately looked for a sign to tell me he was experiencing a brief moment of insanity. Except there was nothing. The only lie I had swallowed unwittingly for years was our friendship.
Movies. Late night runs for ice cream. Taking care of each other when we were sick. I had told him about my parents. I had told him about much I missed when my mom-
No. Not now.
I wouldn’t disgrace their memory by having them be a part of this.
The only reason he’d been there was because he'd been waiting to sleep with me?
“Get out,” I told him, voice so calm I didn’t recognize it. There was an unnatural sort of placidness creeping over me. It was a precursor of the storm harnessing energy before it struck. I stared at his black boots, waiting for them to leave my field of view.
If he walked away, I could salvage this. He was going to regret every last word that had come out of his mouth, but he was like my brother and I loved him. At some point, I could forgive him. Even for this.
I let out a shuddering breath, trying to calm myself down. Trying to contain the rage boiling to the surface. He took a step back, then another. The feeling of sweet relief was just starting to introduce itself when the next blow came, punching me in the gut and yanking away the slim chance I could endure this.
His voice was that of a stranger, his tone cruel and rushed. “All it took was a pretty face and just like that, you forgot what they did to you? No wonder you never talk about it. Maybe the great fucking secret is that part of you-” He cut his own words off at the same moment my heart stuttered and nearly gave out.
I choked on my shocked gasp, covering my mouth as the backs of my eyes started burning. I staggered backwards, forgetting my pride. Forgetting everything but how to blink rapidly and gulp down the contents of my stomach trying to escape. In my haste to get away, I kicked the glass on the floor. When it shattered loudly, Tanner winced, face going ghost pale.
Regret crossed his features.
Too late.
Way too fucking late.
His mouth opened and I shook my head, feeling the first tear slip free and burn a path down my cheek. The truth had surfaced. There weren’t enough apologies and promises in the entire world capable of burying it again.
This was what he’d thought about me? All this time? That I enjoyed the revolving door of men who saw nothing but an object to treat however they wanted?
The TV couldn't hide the sound of me running to the kitchen sink and retching. It certainly couldn't keep me from feeling the acidic burn working its way into my throat, or the foul taste filling my mouth as everything in my stomach came back up right then and there. My nose stung even though I almost couldn't smell through the tears choking the life from my soul.
“Sly,” Tanner said carefully.
Like he was worried.
Like he cared.
Liar.
I wiped my mouth and turned to face him, not bothering to touch the hot trails of tears
running down my cheeks and dripping from my chin. Why should I? The only thing he cared about was between my legs.
He cursed, reaching for me like I was a wounded animal. Maybe I was. Except this time, it was his fault.
“Stop, you idiot.” Tone came around the corner, hand going to Tanner's shoulder and pressing down hard. I looked at him, unfeeling. There was sympathy in his dark eyes. It meant less than nothing to me.
If only the numbness could have lasted.
Tears fell freely, the chains around my soul creaking as a deep, familiar ache of torment pushed red rage back to the surface.
“Sly,” Tanner tried again. The other Sinner jerked him back a step. “I didn’t mean that. Swear to God, I didn’t. I just wanted to look out for you.”
Tone pulled him further away from me. “God damn it,” he growled. “Stop talking. You've done enough.”
My body was betraying me as much as they were, every tremble bringing me closer and closer to losing it completely. I couldn’t move for how badly my limbs were shaking. Couldn’t speak for the swollen lump in my throat refusing to be swallowed down. But they needed to leave, before the tide crashed down and washed me away.
I pointed an unsteady finger towards the door, staring blurrily at Tone. Tanner, I couldn’t look at. If I did, the blade was only going to keep cutting deeper. Impaling my guts one piercing stab at a time.
My eyes closed, and I silently welcomed the pulsing fury. I headed for the stairs, hearing the door close behind my so called family. I desperately needed an anchor, and the only one I could count on had a razor sharp edge. My knives found their way into my hands seemingly by themselves, and not a moment too soon.
I was breaking. The pieces of me only glued together to start with were losing their cohesiveness. One by one, they were dropping into a well and I couldn't hear them hit the bottom.
The only way I knew to stop the process was to break something else.
CHAPTER 12 - Carlos
There were too many fucking people in my office.
“Well this is just great, Carlos.” Erin threw her hands in the air, pacing back and forth in front of my desk. “All my hard work is going straight down the drain. You know that guy in the movie who takes a pill to be smarter? Yeah, you found the opposite pill. The one that makes you stupid.”
“Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth!” Manny called from his spot on the wall beside me, a green apple clutched in his huge fist. He took an obnoxiously crunchy bite of it before speaking with his mouth full. “What do you say, I?”
Three sets of eyes landed on Isaac, sitting in a chair by the window, and he glanced up from the reports he was flipping through. He blinked and nudged his glasses before shrugging. “Erin has a point. Dumb move, hermano.”
“Thank you!” She folded her hands in front of her and bowed at the waist towards Isaac.
Manny cursed under his breath, low enough I was the only one who heard it, and shifted on the wall.
Something clicked and their recent tension started making a lot more sense. I shot him a pointed look. Erin. Really?
He rolled his eyes, mouthing, “Later.”
Another time, I would’ve protested his blatant dismissal. Erin should’ve been firmly off limits. We’d established that years ago. Whatever had gone down was beyond stupid on his part.
Lucky for him, I had enough shit on my plate without adding Manny’s portion to it.
Erin turned back to me, cocking her hip. “What the hell were you thinking by just throwing it all on her at once? Have you ever heard of a little thing called moderation?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh. How many times were we going to cover this in one morning? “Are each of you deaf? Things went well. She’s willing to work with me, us.”
Manny shifted off the wall and sat down on the edge of my desk. “Then where is she?”
My mouth opened and snapped shut. I popped my jaw. I didn’t have an answer for him.
Where the hell is she?
We’d made more progress the night before than I’d thought to hope for. The idea we would be carrying on actual conversations this soon hadn’t crossed my mind, though I was grateful to be wrong.
Her voice was far and wide the most enjoyable thing I had ever heard. Husky with a slight rasp made twice as incredible simply because she was using it to speak to me.
Maybe I wasn’t the reason she was speaking again, and only my own arrogance was convincing me otherwise. But it sure as hell felt like I was. It filled me with chest puffing pride to help her take back something that should never have been stolen.
“You think she’s playing you?” Isaac asked casually.
My fist came down hard on the desk, paperclips and files jumping an inch before coming back down. “Come again?”
“He means she might not have bought what you were selling,” said Manny.
Isaac shrugged. “What if she was just playing along to see what you would admit to?”
“No.” I shook my head in denial. A seed of doubt tried to form and I burned it out at the root. “Don’t forget who we’re talking about. Games are beneath her. I know for a fact she would come straight for my throat if I gave her a reason to.”
I also couldn’t see her passing up the other info I’d promised, yet she was a no show once again. The uneasy ball of worry in my gut was turning into a boulder but I wasn’t sure what move to make.
Erin brushed her hair back over her shoulder, pinching her lip between her fingers. “Maybe she needed time to wrap her head around everything. It is a lot to take in.”
“You can say that again, baby,” said Manny.
Her attention shifted his way, scowl striking like lightning. “I'm not your baby.” She ran her hands over her hip hugging skirt. “You see any diaper lines under here?”
“I ain't seeing a whole lot of anything under there, tell ya the truth. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”
Erin flushed bright red then stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Manny roughly threw his apple in the trash and scrubbed a hand down his face, doing his best to ignore my dull stare.
“Ah,” said Isaac, looking between us. He shuffled his stack of papers in his lap, lining up the edges perfectly before sliding them into his briefcase and standing. “Now it makes sense. Way to go, Manuel. Way to fucking go. Please, excuse me while I try to clean up yet another one of your messes that could've been avoided if you could manage a zipper with more finesse than a toddler.”
He buttoned his suit coat and left, closing the door behind him and setting off on the path Erin had taken.
Silence lingered for a moment before I broke it.
“This is later,” I said. “You going to explain why, just once, you couldn’t keep your damn dick in your pants? There are thousands of women in this city who would gladly fight to be in your bed.” I shot him a pointed look because we both knew that wasn't an exaggeration. Women had fought each other because of him before. “You couldn’t have picked any of them? You couldn't have chosen a single one of them out there without going for Erin? Erin who works for us and has kept all our asses on track over the years?”
Manny sighed, crossing huge arms over his chest. “You don’t understand. One thing kind of led to another and-”
“Don’t even start with that shit.” Was he fucking serious right now? “I don’t care if you got home and she was on your bed wearing nothing but ribbons. You should’ve had sense enough to kick her out. I know you're unfamiliar with the concept, but it's called being responsible.”
“Jesus. Give it a rest. We fucked. Once. Won’t happen again.”
“I’m supposed to believe that? After the way you were staring at her ass barely five minutes ago?”
He flashed a grin, as if this was at all amusing. “Scout’s honor,” he promised.
We’ll see.
I decided to change the subject before I ended up trying to find another staircase to throw him over. Standin
g, I buttoned my suit jacket and adjusted my tie. “I need you to check in with Raze. Make sure he’s got his head in the game and remind him of what’s at stake. Let Isaac know I’m putting him in charge of my accounts for the rest of the day.”
Manny frowned. “Where are you going to be?”
“Where do you think?” I snapped. “My woman is MIA and it’s bothering the fuck out of me. I need to find her.”
“You sure that’s a good idea? Mama L’s is one thing, but in broad daylight? Narciso has just as many eyes around as we do. He might get suspicious if he sees you two together.”
“He doesn’t concern me.” My smile was cold. Cruel. “He’s been a mouse trapped in my maze since he handed over the reigns. Soon, we’ll put him out of his misery.”
***
“Wait here,” I told George as I stepped from the back of the car and onto the sidewalk in front of the lime green townhome.
The color was offensive to my eyes, almost as bad as the canary yellow and sky blue houses on either side. Every other house on this block had a similarly vivid paint job. They made me grateful for the sunglasses on my face.
It was somewhat ironic that the most fearsome individuals in the state owned property on a street that looked like someone had melted a crayon box and started pouring the contents out randomly.
For a moment, I debated what I was doing here. There was a chance she was avoiding me. Assuming that was true, showing up here and proving I knew where she was staying without her telling me certainly wasn't going to earn me any points. I couldn't leave though.
If facing her wrath was the only way to know she was okay, then my path was set.
I looked at the front door, unable to shake the lurking sense of something being wrong. Glancing up and down the street, I searched for some source of the discomfort. There was nothing. People were walking their dogs, pushing strollers, listening to music. The whole scene was peaceful.
So why were the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end?
I quickly went up the steps to the door and knocked rhythmically before waiting on a response. When none came, I pressed my ear close to the wood and listened. Nothing. Nerves tightened my shoulders. I knocked again and called out her name. Still nothing.
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