by Emma Scott
My shoulders rounded, my stomach clenched.
You don’t get to cry. Not ever…
Chapter 34
Thea
I walked fast, keeping my head down to shield my crying eyes from passersby. With no plan or guide, I turned down one random street or another. They all looked the same now. The magic was seeping out of the city.
I glanced over my shoulder again and again, hoping Jimmy wasn’t following me. Praying he was.
I sagged against a wall, pain flooding me until I could hardly see or breathe. I cried inside-out, sobbing until my stomach ached.
A woman passing by put her hand on my shoulder. “Tough day, honey?”
I nodded and forced a smile, wanting to collapse into her arms. “I’ll be okay, thanks.”
She gave me a final pat and moved on. I wiped my eyes and breathed until the tightness in my stomach loosened.
“What do I do now?”
Go back to Jimmy.
I’d run from sheer terror, not knowing what to do but to get away from the terrible reality, now that Jimmy knew. It hadn’t felt real until he knew. My heart ached to be with him, but he’d make me go back to Blue Ridge. He promised to keep me safe. It was inked in my skin forever.
I can’t go back.
My soul recoiled at the idea of returning to that airless, vast desert that was as wide as eternity and as small as a pin. But death—real, or the death of the amnesia—awaited me and I had to choose one.
Not yet.
I wandered into Central Park and sat on a bench.
I sat for hours, remembering. I recalled my entire life. As far back as I could go and all the way up to the accident, where memory leap-frogged from sudden blackness into the murky nightmare of two years at Blue Ridge. It arrived at the moment I woke up and took me through every moment since, in all their clarity and joy.
How could I go back?
Several times, I tried to muster the energy to get up and see another little piece of New York, but I stayed on that bench until morning gave way to afternoon. My stomach growled. My bladder complained.
I found a Starbucks and bought a doughnut. I threw it away after three bites. I used the restroom, then wandered like a sleepwalker. The pure joy and happiness of being here with Jimmy had been a fleeting dream, and my life in amnesia was the merciless reality, waiting for me to wake up.
I wandered until I looked up to see the monolith that towered over me. Some internal compass brought me to the Empire State Building at twilight. The sun’s light was gold and turning to amber. The sky so blue it seemed like a piece of colored paper stretched above me.
I stepped inside the cool confines of the lobby and paid the admission to the Observation Deck. Along with a handful of tourists, I boarded an elevator that shot straight up to the eighty-sixth floor, making everyone’s ears pop. The doors opened on the deck and the city lay spread beneath me.
An overwhelming tide of grief washed over me. This view was supposed to be the culmination of my dream and it was crumbling to ash with every breath I took. Every beat of my heart. Seconds ticking down to an oblivion of my choosing.
I gripped the railing as I stepped out of the center of the building and went down to the ledge. A fence tipped with tall, menacing claws curved over the top to keep people from climbing up. Or jumping.
I pressed my face to the crisscrossing bars and stared out over Manhattan, shivering. It was cooler up here. Tears sprung to my eyes in frustration that I was too cold to have these last quiet moments in stillness. I had to keep moving.
I walked around the perimeter of the Observation Deck, arms crossed, hugging myself.
I rounded the corner and Jimmy was there.
He stood with his hands tucked into his jacket pockets, leaning against one curved corner of the deck and looking away from me. He was so ruggedly beautiful against the skyline, his eyes shadowed and his stubble dark. A strange warmth flooded through me and it took me a second to realize I was happy. Overjoyed. Brimming with it. Because of him.
I raised my fingers to make a pretend camera, and he looked over as I pressed the imaginary shutter.
I lowered my hands. “Hi.”
He stood up straight, pulled his hands from his pockets as I crossed the distance between us.
“What were you doing just now?” he asked.
“On The Office, Pam told her Jim to take mental pictures of the best moments,” I said, my voice already breaking. “Because everything goes by so fast.”
Wordlessly, Jim wrapped me in his arms and enveloped me in his strong arms. He kissed my forehead, then pressed his cheek to mine while I gripped the lapels of his jacket with both hands, my face buried in his neck, safe in the warm darkness there.
“How long have you been here?”
“All day,” he said gruffly.
“You’ve been waiting here for me all day?”
“I knew you’d come.”
He kissed my temple, my cheek, and my lips before pulling away. His eyes were bloodshot and shadowed, the threat of tears in their brown depths. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the bottle of Hazarin.
“This is yours,” he said, pressing it into my hand.
I stared at the bottle, then at him. “You won’t stop me from taking it?”
He shook his head, though it looked as if it cost him everything to do it. “It’s your choice.”
I smiled through my tears. “Not much of one, is it?”
“The fucking worst.”
My eyes spilled over. “I’m so grateful for the time we had. When I saw you up here, waiting for me… It hit me how happy I’ve been with you.”
“Me too, Thea,” he said. “The best time.”
I took his hand and put the bottle in his palm, curled his fingers around it. “I won’t give up.”
Jim made a sound deep in his chest and hauled me into his embrace. His sigh of relief expanded under my head and then turned into a ragged exhale.
“I hate this,” he said, muffled. “I hate that I’m relieved you have to go back to that hell.” He held me close, kissing my forehead, then his hands slipped to my cheeks, to hold my face. Tears shone in his eyes but he fought them back. “You’re so brave,” he whispered. “You’re so fucking brave.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I’m going to be with you every day. Every day, Thea.”
I shook my head. “I can’t think about that right now. Not yet. I took the medication this morning. We still have tonight, at least. Let me have that before…”
Before I go away again.
He nodded, his thumbs brushing the tears that streamed down my cheeks.
“What do you want to do? Anything you want. Name it.”
“I want to watch the sunset up here,” I said. “I want to eat Italian food at a place that’s dark and has little candles on the table. And I want you to sing for me. Will you do that?”
“Yeah, Thea,” he said, hoarse and raw. “I will.” He held up the pill bottle. “And these?”
I closed my eyes, inhaled deep. I breathed a prayer to those who came before me in Dr. Milton’s study. Those who suffered and died so that I could make the right choice.
Please let it be the right choice.
I opened my eyes. “Throw them away.”
Jimmy nodded and did as I asked, then came back to me. He slipped out of his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, then put his arms around me again, my back to his front, his chin resting on my shoulder. I held his arms and tried to capture the feel of him, his breath on my cheek and his strong body shielding me. Embedding his molecules into me. Indelible and unforgettable.
The sunset’s last rays spilled between New York’s buildings and the sky became bruised and beautiful.
I turned in Jimmy’s arms and let my eyes fall closed. Inhale. Exhale.
“I’m ready.”
Chapter 35
Thea
We went back to the hotel so I could shower and change
.
“What about Delia?” Jimmy asked.
“I can’t talk to her yet,” I said. “Would you mind calling her?”
“What do I tell her?”
“Tell her I took the meds today, but I won’t take any more. We’re going to have one more night here and head back tomorrow.”
“Anything else?”
“No,” I said. “Not yet.”
I had plenty to say to my sister, but tonight was for Jimmy and me.
I showered and pulled on the pretty white sundress I bought with Rita at the mall. It was wrinkled from being smashed in the bottom of my backpack, but I’d hung it up in the bathroom when we checked in so the steam from our showers could smooth it.
“What do you think?” I asked.
Jim sat at the foot of the bed, phone in hand. His heavy gaze swept over me. “You’re beautiful.”
“I bought it for you. I told Rita I wanted to put it on just so you could rip it off me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“She didn’t tell you? Good. She kept the girl code.”
Jimmy’s smile faded. I stood between his knees and brushed my fingers through his hair. “We have tonight,” I said. “So, let’s really have it, okay?”
He nodded, and I kissed him softly, then headed back to the bathroom mirror to finish getting ready. “You talked to my sister?”
“She wants you back now. Even offered to pay for a flight.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Thanks, but no thanks. She’ll see you soon enough.”
“Good answer.”
I put on a little mascara and perfume and brushed my hair until it fell in soft waves over my shoulders. Jimmy was darkly handsome in black.
“I’m in white, you’re in black,” I said. “Like yin and yang.”
“The brightest light…” Jimmy murmured, almost to himself. He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. I felt the grief in it. The goodbye.
Not yet.
“Come on,” I said, forcing a smile. “We have more New York-ing to do.”
We took a cab to an Italian bistro on the Upper East Side that was dark and had little candles on every table. The hostess seated us, and we opened the menus silently.
What does one order for their last meal?
For Jimmy’s sake, I bit back the bad joke. The reality of my situation was sinking into him too. His expression was that of a man in chronic pain but putting on a brave face.
“Hey,” I said, reaching across the table to take his hand. “Stay with me.”
His brows furrowed. “How are you so okay right now?”
“I don’t know, honestly,” I said. “I freaked out this morning. And I probably have more freaking out to do, but right now is what we have. I have you and I’m happy.”
“You deserve more than a few days,” he said, his teeth gritted. “It’s fucking… cruel.”
“These last few days have been the best of my life. I would’ve learned about the Hazarin side effects whether I stayed at Blue Ridge or not. And if I’d stayed, I’d be going back to prison with zero memory of the outside world. But I left. And now I have this time in New York with you to carry me through. I have something to hold on to.”
He nodded and did his best to carry on through dinner as if a huge mountain weren’t about to drop on my head. I felt its shadow over me—it was coming, and it was going to hurt. But tonight, I wouldn’t let the fear touch me.
After dinner, we strolled down Second Avenue and came to a bar with live music pouring out its open windows. A flyer on the window said it was open mic night.
“Let’s get a drink here and listen to some music,” I said. “And no, this isn’t me passive-aggressively hinting you should sing in front of all these people, I swear. That’s later in the hotel.”
As he gazed over the bar, Jimmy’s expression was unreadable. “You made me the better, stronger version of myself.” He nodded his chin at the crowd. “They should know that. You deserve for them to know that.”
“Are you serious?” I asked. “You’re going to sing in front of all those people?”
“Don’t cry yet,” he said. “Wait until I make a complete ass of myself.”
I laughed and wiped my eyes. “That’s not going to happen.”
“We’ll see.”
Jimmy put his name on the list and asked the guy if they had a house guitar he could borrow; his instrument was back at the hotel. The guy said they did, and we took a table near the side of the small stage. He nursed a beer, and I had a glass of red wine. Men and women got up and sang to the bar’s sound system or used their own instruments.
“Jim Whelan,” the MC announced finally. “Come on up.”
Jimmy drained the last of his beer and got to his feet.
“I’m more nervous than you are,” I said.
“Must be, since I’m not nervous at all,” he said. “This is what’s supposed to happen. Isn’t it?”
“Yes, I think so. All of it.”
He nodded and kissed me, then took the stage to a smattering of applause. The MC handed him a scratched up acoustic guitar. Jimmy looped the strap over his shoulder and adjusted the mic as if he’d done this a hundred times.
“Hey,” he said. “I’m Jim. This song is for Thea Hughes—she’s sitting right over there. She’s the reason I’m sitting here. She’s the reason for everything good in my life.”
My tears came again, and I blinked them away quickly, not wanting to miss a single second of my Jimmy onstage in front of a crowd of people. Commanding their attention, gripping it in the palm of his hand with his simple dignity and honesty.
“We’ve been in the city the past five days,” Jimmy said, “because it’s where Thea always wanted to be. And I’m honored to be here with her. Honored she chose me…” He stopped, cleared his throat, and looked directly to me. “Thank you for keeping me wild. I love you, Thea. I hope you had the time of your life.”
He strummed his guitar and began singing Green Day’s “Good Riddance, Time of Your Life.” My heart beat in my chest, filled with the love of a thousand lifetimes all crammed into one, all for Jimmy. Every single lyric written for us. This trip and what was coming after. To make the best of everything and not ask why because there was no why. Only now.
The room went absolutely silent and still. No one clinked a glass or so much as coughed while Jimmy’s low, rough voice accompanied his expert playing. He filled every lyric with the depth of our experiences, singing as if he’d written the song himself.
When the last note dissipated, the crowd seemed to be holding its breath. I held mine. Then the applause came, slow at first and growing louder. A few whistles pierced the air, and he smiled.
“Thanks,” he said into the mic, and turned to me, mouthing, Thank you.
He returned to the table, and I took his face in my hands and kissed him. We clung to each other and the audience cheered again. No doubt we looked to them like a happy couple in love with our whole lives ahead of us.
“Jimmy…” I whispered as he held me.
“I know.” He huffed a steadying breath. “But hey, you said if I sang for you, you’d be naked by the second verse.” He shook his head. “You’re not even remotely naked.”
A teary laugh burst out of me. “I see what you did there.”
“I’m just trying to get us out of here before I fucking fall apart,” he said. He took my hand and pressed it to his lips. “Let’s go.”
We grabbed a cab back to the hotel. In our room, Jimmy hung his jacket on the back of the chair and then I was in his arms. The city glittered outside the window, a thousand lights strewn over the darkness.
“Tonight was perfect,” I said between Jimmy’s deep kisses. “I can’t believe you sang in front of an audience like that.”
“I was singing for you.”
“You told me you loved me.”
He pulled away, his eyes beautifully dark and full. “I do. I’m in love with you, Thea, and have been f
or a long time… I just didn’t know what it was.” He stroked my cheek. “You don’t have to say it back. I don’t expect—”
“I know you don’t,” I said. “James Whelan, you don’t expect anything for yourself. You just give and give… I love you for that. I love you for everything. All of you. I’m so in love with you, Jimmy.”
He froze as my words sunk in. A muscle in his jaw ticked. He inhaled a shaky breath. Exhaled slowly.
“No one’s ever said that to you before, have they?” I asked.
He tilted his chin up. “No.”
They don’t know who they had, right in front of them.
He took my face in his hands. “Don’t cry for me, Thea,” he said gruffly. “It was supposed to be you who said it first.”
I stared, flooded by love for this man. “Yes,” I whispered. “That’s right. I love you.” I kissed his mouth and kept my lips on his. “I love you, Jimmy. I love you so much. My warrior who never stopped fighting for me.”
“I won’t,” he said. “I never will. I swear it.”
I heard the future in his voice—the inevitable time when I was going away again. Sitting right in front of him and yet not all there.
“Stay with me,” he said. He kissed me harder. “You’re mine. You’ll always be mine. I’ll take care of you. Keep you safe.”
I surrendered to him. To his mouth that captured mine, his tongue that swept through every corner. His gentle sucking pull taking me out of my thoughts and into him. Losing myself in his hands that roamed my skin and his body that pressed against me, hard and full of need.
We kissed until I had to come up for air, clinging to him as his mouth worked down my neck, biting softly. Memorizing me. Indulging in me and giving me everything at the same time because we had no way to know how much time I had left.
“Every inch of you,” he said, undoing the delicate little laces at the top of my dress. “I’m going to put my mouth on every last inch of you.”
