Jax knelt on the mattress in front of me. The way he leaned in, propped up on one knee and arm, was odd. He teased my clit with the head of his cock, then he nudged my opening too. They couldn’t both... could they?
“It’s like the vibrator. Tell me to stop if it’s too much,” Jax said.
When he slid inside me, next to Grayson, the stretch drew a long groan from me.
“You okay?” Jax asked.
I nodded. It hurt, but in a good way. I was so slick and turned on, the stretch was delicious. They built to a slow rhythm, rather than the frantic, hard pounding I usually associated with sex. I slipped into pleasure tinged with pain, riding the high of both. When Grayson sought out my clit again, it was too much, but just right.
I melted into the pleasure of climax. Mine. Theirs. It all consumed me with ecstasy.
When they slowed to a stop, there was no subtle sliding out of me. My body contracted when each of them withdrew, but the phantom sensation remained.
Grayson held me tight, his heat spreading over me. Jax lay across from me, a silly smile on his lips as he brushed my hair away from my face.
This couldn’t last. Not with the kisses I’d seen them share. Not with how much they loved each other. But for now... God, it was incredible.
Chapter Thirteen
Amazing sex and a solid night’s sleep between two naked and gorgeous men didn’t change the fact that I needed answers.
I was the only one in bed when I woke up, but a faint shuffling sound drew my attention to the closet, where Jax was straightening his tie. He looked good—of course. I could get used to more mornings like this.
Another reason to have this conversation now. “Can we talk?”
He jumped, laughed lightly, then met my gaze in the full-length mirror on the back of the closet door. “Morning, gorgeous. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No. I don’t think so anyway.”
“It’s probably good you’re up.” He smoothed out his shirt and slacks and turned to face me. “I have to run into work early. Emergency of some sort. Grayson went to get coffee, but he’ll be back soon. He can take you home, or you can hang out here, or whatever you celebrity streamers do while the rest of us are chained to desks.”
I couldn’t hide my exasperation. “Jax.”
“Hmm?”
“Are you ignoring my question on purpose?”
He sighed and knelt on the mattress next to me. “No. Sort of, but I heard you.”
“Okay. Because I’m having a lot of fun with whatever this is between all of us, but I’m not sure how I feel about being your toy.” I swore he looked pained when I said toy.
“You’re not. I promise.” He leaned in and brushed his lips over mine. “We’d talk now if I had time. Don’t make any decisions until all of us can discuss this together.”
Agreeing meant not diving into the conversation with Grayson until Jax was free. But they should both be there, and I didn’t want to make Jax late for work. “All right.”
Then he was gone, and so was my immediate chance at closure and answers.
Until I could get that, I should go home. Dig into the backlash that waited after my big reveal last night.
Slipping into my dress this morning didn’t hold the same thrill as last night. Today the fabric felt like a stretchy sleight-of-hand trick rather than actual magic. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I took a seat at the kitchen table.
Grayson didn’t keep me waiting long. He looked at me with surprise when he stepped into the room, coffee in hand. “You all right?” he asked.
“I should get home. Take care of the fallout from yesterday.”
He gave me a cup, and kept one for himself. “You could do a lot of that here, if you wanted.”
“I can’t.” As much as I liked the idea of hanging out a little longer.
“Why not?”
A heavy sigh slipped out. “We all need to talk, and I’m not sure I can stay away from the topic until then.”
“I see. I’ll take you home, then.”
The ride to my place was quiet. I was desperate to talk about what was happening between us, and since I’d promised to wait, I couldn’t think of anything else Grayson and I had ever talked about before this point.
When we pulled up in front of Lyn’s house, Grayson handed me my phone.
I reached for the truck door handle.
“Sadie—”
I paused at the catch in his voice and looked at him.
Grayson worked his jaw. “I want to—” He shook head. “You’re right. We should all be here for this conversation.”
Now I was extra curious, but I was waiting. “Yeah. Talk to you soon.” I didn’t dare look back as I headed inside.
As I reached my room, I turned my phone on, and woke up my laptop. My notifications and unread emails were only in the hundreds. Not nearly as bad as it could have been.
I mentally rolled my eyes at myself.
“You back?” Lyn called.
“Yeah.”
She poked her head into my room. “Some guy dropped this off for you this morning. Everything all right?”
I grabbed the stapled papers from her. Cease and Desist was in a neat typeface across the top, next to my name and address. “It will be.” I gave her a tight smile.
“Okay. I have to get back to the shop, but holler down if you need anything.”
I scanned the C&D, and posted it online, along with a series of hashtags, including #we won’t be silenced
I couldn’t avoid the messages anymore, and I dug in. They fell into three main categories.
I’m so sorry you got scammed.
They got me too, thank you for speaking out.
And, You’re a fucking whore. Someone should rape you to death. You don’t deserve how good they tried to be to you.
Most days I loved the internet, but when the assholes came out...
I spent hours replying to the kind words, and blocking everyone who sent the cruel ones. It was early afternoon when it all weighed down my soul so much, I didn’t know if I could breathe.
I couldn’t face this onslaught this way. I recorded a quick video, thanking everyone for their support, and followed it up with a note that I would be off social media for the holidays. I’d planned on taking a break over Christmas anyway, and now seemed like a good time to put that plan into motion.
The air was too tight in here. The room too oppressive. I needed to get out of here, and clear my head.
I got in my car and drove. West seemed like a good direction today. Out past the mountains, toward the lake. Maybe beyond it. Maybe I’d go to Wendover and drop fifty bucks in the slot machines. Have a late lunch and a free drink or two.
I’d rather not be inside my own head right now. Talking to someone would help me sift through my thoughts. Anne was stuck in crunch time at work, Lyn was working the shop, and Grayson...
Well, that was the problem, wasn’t it?
He’d listened to me talk through breakups before. About whatever asshole I’d let crawl under my skin. He understood. Had his own stories to share. Was I about to become one of them? The girl who couldn’t accept a little fun when she had the chance?
I wasn’t getting anywhere with this. I cranked the radio to sing along at the top of my lungs. Belting out classic hair metal always made me feel better. As long as I skipped every single song about love and broken hearts.
A loud bang sounded over the music, and the steering wheel jerked from my hands.
Chapter Fourteen
I gripped the wheel harder and turned into the skid, trying to regain control. The car came to a crooked stop at the side of the road.
The entire thing only took a few seconds, but it shaved years off my life. I turned down the radio, only to be inundated by the sound of my pulse hammering in my ears.
I took several deep breaths to calm myself, then climbed from the car to see what had happened. My back right tire was a shredded mess of rubber that barely covered the rim.
>
Blow out. Wonderful. But this was something I could act on, and that was more comforting than it should be.
Spare was in the trunk. I knew how to change the tire. I’d be back on the road in twenty minutes.
And eighteen minutes later, as I lowered the jack with frozen fingers, I was feeling pretty smug.
Until the spare tire hit the pavement, and then dropped another few inches, the bottom looked like a rubber pancake. My spare was flat too.
“Fuuuuuuuck.” I let the day’s frustration fill my scream into the air. Then shouted again and again until my voice was hoarse and my lungs begged me to stop.
Okay, I could do this. No big deal. I probably couldn’t get an Uber out here in the middle of nowhere. Would the app even let me enter mile marker 38 on I-80?
I hated to call my friends while they were working, but I couldn’t afford tow truck fees if I had to get my tires replaced. I dialed Lyn first, then Anne, and wasn’t surprised to not get answers.
Chase picked up. “I’m heading into a client meeting. Can I call you back?”
“Yeah.” I’d find someone else.
“Sadie? What’s wrong?”
If I told him nothing he’d pry until he got an answer, and that would waste everyone’s time. “I got a flat, and my spare is flat too. But I’ve still got people to call. Don’t worry about it.”
“Where are you?” His hurried brush off had vanished behind concern.
I gave him the closest location I knew of. “But don’t miss your meeting for me.”
His conflicted growl almost made me smile. “Fine. But this won’t take long. Text me if you find anyone in the next fifteen minutes. If I don’t hear from you, assume I’m on my way.”
“All right. And thank you.”
Before I could make another call, my phone buzzed with a text from Chase. Help is on the way.
I hoped he didn’t ditch his clients for me. I settled back in my seat and pulled my coat tight around me. I was at least forty-five minutes away from any help, and while I had a full tank of gas, I wasn’t going to keep the engine running the whole time. I needed to strike a balance between not freezing, and not burning through my gas. Why had I grabbed the fingerless gloves instead of the full-blown fuzzy mittens?
Out here, away from most of the city lights, it seemed to get dark faster. It was kind of eerie, watching everything vanish into the creeping night.
Headlights flashed in my rear-view mirror, then pulled up behind me on the shoulder. Please let that be Chase, or a good Samaritan, and not some creepy creeper.
They didn’t turn their lights off, so I only saw a silhouette approaching. When Jax knocked on my window, I yelped. I was such a dork sometimes.
I grabbed my purse and keys and opened the door.
“You ordered one knight in shining armor?” He grasped my fingertips and helped me from the car.
“I definitely called for help. I didn’t expect...” Should I be flirty or plain? It didn’t matter now; I’d hesitated too long. “You.”
Jax gave a deep bow. “At your service. Your fingers are frozen.” He grabbed both of my hands and pressed them between his.
Heat seared through my icy skin, and I groaned in appreciation. I looked up to find Jax watching me with an unreadable look.
“I do love the sounds you make when you’re content or happy,” he said.
Thank God he couldn’t see the blush that raced over my skin. A sliver of fear attached to a memory crowded its way into my thoughts, and it took me a moment to decipher it. This wasn’t the Jax who I’d had a friendly relationship with over the last few years. This was the guy who led me on and broke my heart in high school.
But he wasn’t. He’d changed, and I’d seen that.
The knowledge didn’t stop a whisper of doubt from burrowing under my skin. “We should get going before we both freeze.”
“Yeah. Sure.” He shook his head. “We’ll get someone back out here in the morning to take care of your car. Grayson knows a guy.” Jax held his passenger door open for me until I was secure in my seat, then hurried around to slide into the driver’s side.
“Right. I’ll make arrangements in the morning.”
Jax pulled onto the freeway, and we headed toward Salt Lake. “May I bring you home again? Our place?” He asked. “For that conversation we all need to have?”
Right. The Conversation. That thing I’d been itching for since this morning, that suddenly loomed more terrifying than any monster. If we did this, how much of our relationship would I destroy?
Not as much as if I let things drag out. I’d hate myself and resent them if we let this go on and I got attached, before they cut me loose. “Yes.”
“That’s it. Just yes?” He glanced sideways at me.
“It’s not. I want to say a lot more. But if I start now, I won’t stop, and you were right that we should all be there.” We all needed to be on the same page, and saying what I had to was going to be hard enough once. I didn’t want to repeat myself.
“Yeah. Of course.”
Silence settled between us, complete with the faint sounds of his stereo providing the background music. Almost like a movie, except at this point in a film, we’d probably be hearing some heartbroken ballad by Adele, and not the Blink182 whispering through his speakers.
Basket Case by Green Day popped up next, and I turned up the volume. It was as appropriate a song as any for my mood. Neither one of us moved to turn the music back down for the rest of the drive. Not the most awkward hour-plus ever of my life, but probably in the top ten.
When we got back to their place, Grayson was waiting. The quick kiss they shared was the same one I’d seen hundreds of times, but tonight it was another reminder that part of their life was for them alone, and that wouldn’t change.
Grayson gave me a friendly smile. “I hope you didn’t freeze out there. Do you want hot chocolate? A blanket?”
His sweet consideration tightened the already-clenching fist around my heart. “I warmed up in Jax’s car.” Did that sound dirty? “Heated seats and all. Nothing else.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Grayson shrugged.
Jax gave a tight chuckle. “Sounds like us the entire way here.”
That was as good an opening as any. “Speaking of... Thank you for comi—” I my brain glitched on the unintentional innuendo “—picking me up. I’m super grateful. I’m also wondering... can we skip the small talk and get this over with?”
“That’s a good idea.” Grayson nodded at the couch.
I wasn’t ready to sit, and it looked like neither of them was either. Because all of us standing around was so much more comfortable. Not.
“It sounds like you have specific thoughts. You first,” Grayson said.
How was that fair? Then again, would anything they said make a difference? This was where I cut us off, even if they wanted to keep up the fun, and if I set the tone, I may save us all a bit of saying things we might regret. “You’re both wonderful—in bed and out of it—and this fling, whatever you’d like to call it, is amazing.”
Jax opened his mouth, and Grayson rested a hand on his arm.
Not a subtle or unique gesture, but it added more weight to my decision. “But it’s not going anywhere. I know that. The two of you are together, and I’m like the side dish. The longer we keep going, with the sex, the more likely one of us will get hurt when it ends.” Me, most likely, since that brief speech clawed at my throat.
Jax scowled. Had I stolen his thunder by dumping myself? I crossed my arms in front of my chest, feeling exposed in a decidedly non-delicious way.
“To us, it’s not a fling. Or casual fun. Or whatever you’re calling it today,” Grayson said.
What else could it be?
Jax moved closer to me, lightly grasped my fingers, and pulled my arms down. He didn’t let go of my hands as he met my gaze. “I’ve been attracted to you for a long time. Both of us have. We’re not using you. You’re not a side dish.” He so
unded sincere. But once, a long time ago, I’d fallen prey to his false adoration.
I pulled my hands away and shoved them in my pockets. “What about being discreet?”
“We didn’t plan that morning any more than you did,” Grayson said. “We’d talked about you before, we talk about you a lot, and what you are in our life is too important to toss away on casual fun.”
I was really starting to hate that phrase. “So we’re on the same page.” There was no relief in the realization.
“We’re really not.” Jax reached for me again, flexed his fingers, then dropped his hand. “We’re not telling you it’s over. We—Grayson and I—want to see where thing go with you. As in, dating. A relationship. The kind of thing we don’t keep a secret.”
“But the two of you are already dating.” I wasn’t dim. I understood polyamory, loving more than one person, but it wasn’t for me. I’d tumbled down that path mentally several times, trying out the weight, seeing if I could do what Jax and Grayson did by letting other people into their lives.
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to share my happily ever after. I wanted the one guy, the one dress, the one wedding... the one ring. That last one should have made me laugh at my own wit, but I was hung up on other things.
Grayson sank onto the edge of the couch. “We are. And we want to see where things go when you’re part of that.”
“Things don’t go anywhere. You’re already together.” I’d already said that once. I didn’t want to repeat myself. “It’s not like I’m going to pick one of you and break you up. I couldn’t if I wanted to, and that’s the last thing I want. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the sex and the attention, but I’m not... That’s not a long-term relationship kind of thing.”
“It’s absolutely something people do long term.” Grayson studied me with those dark eyes I normally wanted to fall into, but today made me turn away with uncertainty.
This wasn’t supposed to be so difficult. I expected pain, but not for them to argue with me. Why were they doing this? “Other people. Not me.”
“What did you think we were doing?” Jax’s scowl was back.
Looking For It (Three Player Co-op Book 1) Page 7
