Looking For It (Three Player Co-op Book 1)

by Allyson Lindt

  At least that was something I knew how to deal with. It was a hint to summon my emotional armor and close him off from anything I felt. But the wall I put up cracked. “Not every hookup ends in a relationship. I was having fun. I got the impression both of you were as well.”

  “So we’re back on that. Casual fun.” Jax spat the words out with frustration.

  Something we agreed on. “I feel like you’re not hearing me.”

  “That makes three of us,” Grayson said.

  “It’s not...” Frustration bubbled up in my chest and pricked the inside of my eyelids. “I’m trying to be clear and plain about this. I don’t expect that every guy I date is someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. That doesn’t make the time with them any less enjoyable.”

  “We’re already spending most of our lives together.” Jax took a seat, but not next to Grayson.

  That should be better. It didn’t give the impression of them standing against me. But now I was on trial, with them judging me because I wanted something different from my future than they saw. “Because we’re friends. I’m not planning on pledging my love—not the way you’re talking about—to Lyn or Anne either.”

  “But have you slept with them?” Jax asked.

  I glared. What the fuck kind of question was that?

  “You’re not even willing to consider this.” Grayson’s tone had shifted to an irritation that I never heard from him. “In that case, doesn’t that make us the fuck dolls? You had your fun, you got to be naughty, and now you’re done and move on?”

  Fuck dolls. Horrible phrase. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”

  “We’re trying to understand.” Grayson spoke through clenched teeth.

  “So am I. I don’t see why you think this is going to work when I’m telling you it’s not for me.”

  “What did you think was going to happen?” Jax’s question bled accusation. “Or didn’t you? Did you approach us like everything else in your life, diving in without thought, and enjoying what happens now, fuck the consequences?”

  The bitterness in his words felt like a slap, and I fumbled for a response. He saw me that way?

  Chapter Fifteen

  “This conversation is over.” Grayson crossed the room to the stand by the front door, and grabbed his keys. “I’ll take you home.”

  “Everyone wanted to talk. Let’s finish talking.” Jax didn’t move, including the glare he had fixed on me.

  “I agree.” I stared back with as much ice as I could muster. “I want to know what you meant.”

  Jax was on his feet now too. He stalked toward me, stopping with his nose inches from mine, anger flashing on his face. “You’re in your current place, staying with Lyn, because you let your lease run you. You’re heading off to Hollywood on a whim, without any thoughts of what you’re leaving behind—”

  “On a whim?” I was only a few decibels from shouting. “I think you mean pursuing my dream. You know, that thing I’ve worked toward for years. Growing my skills, building a fan base, and making connections. That whim? I’m not leaving anything behind, because my friends, the ones who don’t try to emotionally manipulate me into giving up something I love, will keep in touch.”

  Grayson sighed. “He didn’t mean—”

  “Oh. My. God.” I turned my frustration on him. “How often are you going to say that? Maybe if Jax doesn’t mean things, he should stop saying them.” Like calling me a girl in tacky outfits. The memory surged back on a rush of bile, and lodged in my throat. I swallowed it as best I could. “You’re right. It’s time for me to go.” If I kept talking, none of this would be salvageable. Maybe it wasn’t anyway.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” Grayson said, and reached for the door.

  I brushed past him. “Stay here. I’ll call someone.” Who tries to understand me.

  Was I as guilty of that as they were?

  I didn’t know. I did know it hurt when Grayson closed the door behind me, leaving me in the cold. Why couldn’t I just give them what they wanted?

  Because that wasn’t who I was. And now it had thrown up a huge divider between us.

  I could knock. Ask for a chance to make things right. But I’d said what I meant to. There may not be a right in this case. And it may have cost me good friends.

  I grabbed my phone to call for a ride, and found a message waiting from Anne. Did you make it home all right? Work’s over. Let me know if you need anything.

  Actually, I’m at the guys’ house. Can you come get me? It was a plain message that would raise a dozen questions. I’d answer them when she got here.

  Her reply buzzed through seconds later. Of course. On my way.

  I was sitting on the curb, trying to use the cold concrete to numb my thoughts as effectively as it was my ass, when Anne pulled up.

  “What happened?” She asked as soon as I slid into the car.

  Where to start? “Jax...”

  “I’m going to kick his ass.” Anne reached for the door.

  I grabbed her other arm. “Don’t. It’s not like that.”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  Yes. “I think I hurt them first. I don’t... I can’t even make sense of it to put it into words.”

  “That’s not like you.”

  “I know, right?” I sank down in my seat. “I think I fucked up, but I’m not sure. It felt right at the time. Now it just hurts.”

  Anne pulled onto the road. “At the time?”

  “All of fifteen minutes ago.” I tried to laugh. “Fuck. Maybe he’s right. Maybe. I am only capable of living in the moment.”

  “That’s not true. What do you need?”

  “I need... to not talk about it.” It hurt too much to even think about it, and my confusion muddied everything. “How did work go?”

  Anne tugged on her hair. “We pushed back the deadline. We’re not going to make it before the holiday.”

  She’d put way too many hours into their latest game, fighting to make it work amid setbacks and incompetence. Having the game pushed back had to be a slap in the face to Anne’s hard work.

  “I’m sorry.” I’d rather focus on her, and making her feel better. “Sounds like we both need an escape.”

  The corner of Anne’s mouth tugged up. “Shopping?”

  “The only place open this late is Walmart.”

  “Online.” The duh in her voice was playful.

  I liked that. “For board games?”

  “Craft supplies.”

  Inspiration sparked in my head. Perfect distraction. “Craft supplies to make board games.”

  “Who has to come up with the rules?” Anne’s voice was lighter.

  “Every game will be different. We’ll make the rules up... as we go.” And now Jax’s words were back, both back then and now. Taunting me for being awkward, impulsive, and not caring how my decisions impacted people.

  Anne glanced at me. “Lord of the Rings marathon.”

  Thank God for intuitive friends. “Don’t you have to work in the morning?”

  “We get the weekend off.”

  First time in two months. That had to feel good and frustrating at the same time. “Extended edition it is.”

  Anne’s place was a small house near downtown. A single floor, with two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. The brick exterior was deceptive of what was inside.

  She’d converted one of the rooms into a theater-slash-gaming room. Chase, Anne, and I had spent a weekend soundproofing the place after she bought it, so she could turn up the bass without bothering the neighbors.

  We settled into two recliners, a bowl of popcorn between us, and started Fellowship.

  Anne was asleep before they reached Rivendell. It was good to see her getting some rest.

  I wouldn’t be anytime soon. I turned down the volume, but left the movie playing while I made myself some coffee. We’d both seen it so many times that it didn’t matter what we missed.

  Hot drink in hand, I settled back i
nto my seat and tried to focus on the costumes. They were my favorite part of these films. So much incredible detail and hard work went into every piece. I loved studying them and working out the techniques that had been used.

  I couldn’t focus on it tonight, though. The fight with Grayson and Jax kept charging back into my thoughts.

  I wanted to see their perspective. Tried picturing myself with both of them. It already hurt to for them to take a position against me. Tonight was devouring me. How much worse would that be if we tried to be together romantically?

  What happened if I got closer to Grayson than Jax?

  My mind revolted on that thought too, because the notion of breaking them up shredded my heart.

  I didn’t see any solutions. Only an endless loop of questions.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “You want coffee?”

  Three of the sexiest words ever dragged me from sleep. I opened one eye to find Anne perched in the chair next to mine. She held out a mug with Ms. Pac Man on it.

  I forced myself the rest of the way to consciousness, and took the offering. Near-scalding liquid slid down my throat. “You really do love me.”

  “Always.”

  “What time is it?” Sunlight streamed through the cracks in the heavy curtains.

  “Almost noon,” Anne said. “You looked too cute sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you up, but Lyn texted—someone called in sick and she needs help with the Christmas rush.”

  Great excuse to immerse myself in socializing and ignore a problem I didn’t have an answer for. “I’m in. Wait. Why are you in?”

  Anne wasn’t as fond of people as I was. She stood with a shrug. “I’m not going to turn down a plea for help. And she said I can mostly stick to kitchen and barista duty.”

  “That’s fair.”

  I took a few more minutes to wake up, and we were on our way. A brief glance at my phone fractured my creeping good mood. A few missed calls, and an ass-ton of emails, none of them from Grayson or Jax. What did I expect, though?

  I apologized to Anne for tuning her out while I dialed into my voicemail.

  “Ms. Hughes, this is Gregory London, Esquire.” An unfamiliar man’s voice greeted me. “I represent Ms. G and her associates. You’ve failed to respond to our cease and desist, and have posted further inflammatory slander since. If you don’t comply with our request, there will be dire consequences.”

  Fuck. Could he do that? It had only been a day. They were calling me already? That didn’t seem right.

  I itched to delete the message, and pretend I hadn’t heard it. Instead, I saved it in case I needed it later.

  “Hi, Mercedes.” The next message started off more chipper. “I represent Mr. Watanabe’s office. Due to recent events, we’re no longer able to meet with you to discuss employment.”

  Bile rose in my throat, and that message got an instant delete. It was regarding one of the interviews I had lined up for costume designer. I had half a dozen others, though. One down wasn’t a big deal.

  Email was next. Make that three down, thanks to another two cancellations waiting for me. Why were all these people working on a Saturday. Couldn’t they wait until Monday, or maybe after Christmas, to band together to crush my dreams?

  Lyn’s cafe was packed, and that was nice to see. Not a lot of people gaming, but dozens were buying snacks and trinkets. If she could keep up even half this pace after the holidays, she’d be on track to recover more quickly, financially.

  I tried to throw myself into working the register and chatting up customers, but my smile was painted on, and I couldn’t keep my thoughts from straying toward Jax, Grayson, and my deteriorating future.

  When Grayson called, a spark of hope flashed inside. I was in the middle of helping a woman decide between the Minecraft and Pokémon bento box for her son, so I couldn’t answer. The instant I was free, I pulled up his message.

  “Hey.” His voice was flat. “Grabbed your car this morning. Tire’s fixed. Let me know when I can drop it off.” He had a spare key, the same way Anne did, for when I locked my own keys in the car.

  Guilt and gratitude churned inside. My flat was so far down on my list of concerns today, I’d almost forgotten about it. And he’d gone out of his way to make sure I was set, despite last night’s disagreement.

  Calling him back would have to wait, but I did send him a quick thank you text.

  The rest of the day passed without a response. I was painfully grateful when Lyn ushered out the last customer and locked the door behind them.

  She grabbed my arm, and pulled me back into the cafe kitchen. “Where were you today?” Her voice was kind as she ushered me into a chair.

  “Nowhere. Everywhere.” Still uncertain where to start.

  Anne joined us. “Something happened with Jax and Grayson last night.”

  I wasn’t upset with her for saying so. It was as good an opener as any.

  “I’m guessing this wasn’t the sexy kind of something.” Lyn moved around the kitchen as she spoke, pulling plates from one spot, and pastries from another. “You know if you don’t talk through it, you’re going to drive yourself nuts.” She knew me well.

  I picked at the cheese Danish she put in front of me, and at a loose thread of last night’s conversation. The story tumbled out in a rapid-fire mess of emotion. As I reached the end, the relief I wanted wasn’t there. “Was this my fault?” It seemed like it from an outside perspective.

  “You can’t change how you feel about the situation, just because they feel differently,” Anne said.

  Lyn tapped a nail on the edge of her plate. “I’m with her. If loving two people that way isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you.”

  Confirmation. Agreement. I still didn’t know if I was in the right.

  “This is making you miserable, though.” Anne was sympathetic.

  “It’s like one of you being mad at me. It sucks.” At least that was an easy emotion for me to zero in on. “Jax and I... that’s always been weird. But Grayson... I fucked things up because I fucked them. I want to go back to the way things were, but I’ll always be thinking about... them.”

  “You fantasize about them anyway.” Anne’s food sat untouched in front of her.

  In fact, except for the tiny flakes I’d taken from mine, none of us were eating. I took a big bite of the pastry. As the sugar hit my tongue, my stomach grumbled for me. Maybe I should have consumed something besides coffee between popcorn and now. In a few bites, my dessert was gone. My problems... not so much. “But now I have reality to compare it to.”

  “Unless the reality was bad, that makes the fantasies that much more vivid. Do you want to make things right with them, as friends?” Lyn slid me her Danish.

  I should have insisted she eat it. It wasn’t as though it was the last one in the kitchen, though. I consumed it more slowly. “No.” Maybe. I didn’t know.

  “Then there’s your answer.” Lyn made things sound simple.

  Anne shook her head. “It’s not that easy.”

  But it had to be. I needed to pick a direction and head that way. Not having a clear path of where to go next was adding mountains to my misery. “I need to call them. Or... head over there.” I didn’t want to do this over the phone, and I could pick up my car. I looked at Anne. “Drop me off?”

  “All right.” She pushed her plate to Lyn. “Eat this. No arguments. It will taste better than salad.”

  “What about you?” Lyn asked.

  Anne grinned. “I may have helped myself to a couple while I was back here today. I’m Danished out.”

  Despite my mood, that drew a laugh. I promised Lyn I’d let her know if I was going to be delayed, for whatever reason, texted Grayson to say I was heading over, and if they were there, I wanted to talk, and was on my way with Anne.

  She pulled up in front of their house, and squeezed my hand. “We’re here if you need anything.”

  “Thank you.” I already knew it, I’d do the same for her or Lyn, but hearing i
t was reassuring.

  I strode up the front walk with my back straight and my thoughts racing. My apology and request hovered on the tip of my tongue, rewriting themselves and infinite number of times with each step I took.

  The door opened before I knocked, and Grayson stepped aside to let me in, before closing it behind me.

  Jax stood a few feet away, in the living room, and Grayson stepped back to join them.

  The atmosphere was so heavy I could choke on it. Instead, I lingered in the entryway, back to the door. The cool steel pressed into my palms, giving me a place to focus.

  “I’m sorry for overreacting last night,” I said. That wasn’t so hard. Then again, it was the easiest thing I had to say. “I let the heat of the moment get to me.”

  Jax cleared his throat, staring at his feet. “I’m sorry too.” He looked up. “I was hurt, and I didn’t mean the things I said.”

  I dragged in a deep breath, to steady my thoughts more than anything. “I did. For the most part I meant all of it. I adore you both, but I’m not a two-guy girl. I can’t see myself sharing my love like that.” It hurt to say. I loved them the way I loved any of my friends, but romantically? I couldn’t do that.

  Grayson worked his jaw a few times, and I braced myself for Round Two of last night. “So now what?” He asked.

  Now I said the rest of what I came to, and hoped it didn’t cost me too much. “I want... Can we still be friends?”

  “Yes.” Jax’s answer was instant.

  So far so good.

  “Maybe eventually.” Grayson’s reply was a knife through my heart. “I need time, and I don’t know if we can ever go back to what we were.”

  Anger rose inside, fueled by hurt. “So you were only ever friends with me for the hope of more?” The instant the words passed my lips, and his face twisted to match what I felt inside, I wanted to rethink my approach.

  “No.” Grayson’s voice was stone. “But we both made assumptions, and some of those can’t be taken back. I can’t pretend I’m okay any more than you can step into a relationship that doesn’t feel right to you.”

  “All right.” I reached for the doorknob.