“Sadie.” Grayson’s voice sent a shared of hope through me. I looked at him, not daring to say anything. He handed me my spare car key. “Probably give this to someone else to hold onto.”
And that was that. I closed my fingers around the cold metal, the teeth biting into my palm. That was that.
Chapter Seventeen
Staying off social media for the couple of days leading up to Christmas was easier than I expected.
Not picking up the phone and calling Grayson when I wanted to head out to breakfast Christmas Eve was excruciating.
Every single interview I’d had lined up with Hollywood costume designers had fallen through. One even told me if I wormed my way into the industry under a different name, I needed to remember what a close-knit community they were, and that they wouldn’t tolerate someone bullying them.
I was the one bullying. Right.
I hadn’t lost everything; not even close. I still had friends. My family. My channel. And it was Christmas—my favorite holiday of the year. My parents had gone on a cruise this year, but Chase and I would still have lunch at their house. He was cooking and he liked their kitchen better than his own.
And Anne would be there, the way she had been for almost as long as I could remember. Her home life had been dark and painful when she was a kid. Mom and Dad made sure she had an escape, including spending Christmas with us.
Jax and Grayson would be there too. I was ambivalent about seeing them again. Which was why I was laying on my bed, memorizing the patterns in my wallpaper and the way my holiday lights cast shadows, rather than getting ready for lunch.
“You still here?” Lyn called as she knocked.
I sat up. “Yeah. Come in.”
Lyn stepped into my room. She was wearing the empire waist blouse I’d made her, and a drug store Santa hat. We’d exchanged gifts last night. “I’m out of here. Do you need anything?” She was heading to her own family’s house for the rest of the day.
Answers. Direction. A way to make things right with Grayson and Jax. “I’m good.”
“Okay.” She didn’t sound convinced. “I left a tray of treats on the kitchen table for you to bring. Tell everyone I said Merry Christmas.”
I forced a smile. “Thank you. Tell Hollie and Alex the same.” I hadn’t made cookies to send her parents, but I did make sure she had a bottle of their favorite whiskey.
“I will.” Lyn hesitated. “Are you sure...”
I climbed from my bed. “I appreciate everything. Go. Have fun. I’ll see you tonight.”
She left and I needed to be on my way too. I should have gone half an hour ago.
My parent’s house was only fifteen minutes away. Ten minutes when the roads were this empty. Everyone else’s cars were in the driveway when I arrived. I steeled myself. Things had been awkward with Jax at these things, a few years ago when he and Chase started talking again. This wouldn’t be much different, and I could spend most of my time with Anne.
I didn’t want it to work that way, but if the situation was too tense, that was the plan.
“Hey.” Anne saw me the instant I stepped inside, and she joined me. “Chase was about to send out the search parties.”
“Sorry about that. I was... stuff.” Wow. Brilliant, me.
She took the bag of gifts from me that hung from one arm. “I’ll put these under the tree.”
I gave her a grateful smile, and retreated to the kitchen to stash the treats from Lyn.
Chase gave me a quick hug, and pointed me toward the dining room. Apparently I was late enough that it was time to eat.
I sat next to Anne, disappointment swelling inside when Grayson refused to make eye contact with me. Jax spared me a glance, but nothing more.
The food was incredible. Not that I was surprised. Chase managed to outdo himself every year. The conversation—or lack thereof—was excruciating. It was limited to Anne and Chase talking about the game Rinslet was pushing back, and everyone else occasionally asking someone to pass the salt or butter.
Grayson had barely finished eating when he pushed back from the table. “We need to get going. Thanks for a great dinner.”
“Whoa.” Chase’s exclamation was painfully loud compared to the silence it shattered. “What’s going on?”
Jax shrugged. “Nothing.”
Chase looked at me.
“Nothing.” Apparently. The guys hadn’t wanted Chase to know before. They sure as fuck wouldn’t be interested in filling him in now. Not that I wanted to either.
He looked at Anne. “Don’t suppose you know.”
“Nope.” I wouldn’t have him drag her into an argument that had nothing to do with her beyond being my confidant. “Nothing means nothing.”
“Except it’s not nothing,” Chase said. “Someone’s got an issue with someone, and I want to know who.”
“Why? Why is it any of your fucking business? Why has it ever been?” Jax’s retort was harsh.
The surprise on Chase’s face matched what I felt. “Because we’re all family. Aren’t we?” He said.
“I wouldn’t assume anything of the sort.” Grayson gripped the back of his chair, a visible tremor running through his hands.
His retort scraped across my already raw nerves. It was true, I’d turned down their offer to see where things went, but he hadn’t exactly been up front about his intentions when this entire hook-up thing started. “I don’t know why you expect anyone else not to make assumptions. Seems a bit hypocritical to me.”
“Someone seeing the world differently than you do isn’t hypocrisy, it’s reality,” Grayson fired back.
The way he twisted my words cranked my anger a notch higher. “And it’s also not my fault. Are you going to guilt me into changing my mind? Pull some sort of I was just being a nice guy bullshit?”
Grayson’s face shifted to that stony cold I was learning to dread, and he clenched his jaw.
“Nice guy...” Chase trailed off. “Did you... With one of them?”
“Both.” I bit off the word. “And Jax is right. Since when is it your business who I hook up with?”
“Don’t drag me into this after pushing us away.” Jax’s voice held a hash edge. “You’re not even fucking interested. After all that.”
“How does it feel?” My retort slipped out before my brain caught up.
Jax stared at me. Then again, everyone was staring at everyone. Poor Anne looked like she wanted to crawl under the table and hide.
“What are you talking about?” Jax asked.
The past I’d tried to pretend for so long was behind me, came rushing back. That frozen instance of, “Being led on. Having to find out from someone else that you convinced the girl in the tacky outfits that you liked her.” Repeating the words tasted foul. Reliving that moment when Chase told me that... The scars were fresher than I expected.
“You sound like you’re referencing a specific thing, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Confusion bled in Jax’s anger.
My hurt grew. “Of course you don’t remember. Chase overheard you, back in high school. It’s why he stopped talking to you for so many years?”
“Umm...”
“I stopped talking to him”—Jax cut Chase off—“because he told me not to date you and I told him it was none of his business who I went out with.”
The pretty story now didn’t change what happened then. “Because you were leading me on.”
“About that...” Chase worked his jaw.
“Because I was falling in love with you,” Jax shouted.
Wha... The bottom dropped out of my reality, and my insides pooled in my feet. “But Chase told me...”
“He wouldn’t back off.” Chase sounded sheepish. “So I made something up. I didn’t think you still remembered that.”
He didn’t— “Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?” Tears clogged my throat, but I wouldn’t break down here.
“It was a decade ago. You’re friends now, so I figured you were
over it,” Chase said.
Anne smacked him on the arm. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Jax was still staring at me. “I can’t believe you thought I’d say that about you.”
“Who was I supposed to believe?” The question wasn’t completely rhetorical. I no longer knew. “My brother or they guy he overheard talking shit about me? Besides, you apologized.”
“Because you were upset. I wanted you back, and I didn’t know what I’d done.”
Fuck. I didn’t even know which way was up right now.
“We’re gonna go.” Grayson’s knuckles were still curled and pale when he let go of the back of the chair.
Chase nodded. “I think that’s a good idea.”
“No one asked you what you thought. At all.” Anne rarely sounded so angry. “You’re the last person who should have ever had anything to say about this. Ever.”
“Except maybe me.” Because I had no idea what I thought or felt anymore. “You guys do whatever you want. I’m going home.” My brother had lied to me. I’d been hiding for years from an attraction I didn’t want to deny, and harboring a grudge in the process. And my heart felt like a gaping chasm was running through it.
Chapter Eighteen
I expected to cry on the way home, but the tears weren’t there. I was falling in love with you. At least the Jax voice in my head was saying something different than it had for years. My own brother said... I’d been mad at Chase for a lot of things, but this one had me seeing red. And Grayson was, apparently, a friendzone asshole.
It wasn’t true. Part of me recognized he was hurt, and struggling, like I was.
What was I supposed to do? Life had gone from just the right dash of chaotic, to completely fucked up in a few short weeks. I hated it. I was tired of not knowing where my future was, what I wanted, who I wanted to be with, or where I was going.
Lyn was still gone when I got home. She probably would be for a few more hours. I hoped her day was the polar opposite of mine. But the empty house felt like an expansion for my rambling thoughts.
I headed up to my room and closed the door, to see if confining everything would help.
It didn’t.
I sank into the chair in front of my computer, and screamed wordlessly until my breath ran out. Then I inhaled and started again.
It didn’t matter. My thoughts were still as much of a wreck as my life. I needed control. To do something, anything, that I had power over.
My phone buzzed. A text from Chase. I deleted it without reading it. I couldn’t deal with him right now. With what he’d done. It didn’t matter that it was so long ago. The discovery, the hurt, was fresh.
And I wouldn’t let myself think about Jax or Grayson. That was the path toward a swirling pool of insanity, because I had no answers.
I also refused to wallow and do nothing. Next year’s design schedule was open, in anticipation of me picking up and moving. Time to fix that. I’d create new, more unique than ever designs, and fuck being stonewalled by Hollywood, I’d find another avenue for my future. I’d redefine everything.
I grabbed my sketchpad and colored pencils, rolled my chair to the clear part of my desk, and started to sketch. This was a project I’d wanted to do for years, a custom piece of female armor, but it wasn’t work and it wasn’t pressing, so I’d put it off.
Today I poured everything into it. Notes about textures. Fabric. Shapes.
Anne texted me. You all right?
I sent her back a quick Yes. :) and kept my focus on my work.
Chase sent me another message, and then called. I ignored it all. The horror movie date with Grayson and Jax was presumably off. Assumptions let things go this far. What was one more?
I lost track of time as I spilled different angles and dozens of notes onto one page after another. Then I moved onto a male version. A rough sketch. I wanted to see them together. I turned to a fresh page, and let my pencils fly over the paper.
Who was I going to have model this for me? The picture in front of me blurred. I scrubbed away the tears with the back of my hand, and turned to a new page. Time for a different outfit. Something white. Maybe with gold accents. The faintest pink. Lace.
The rough outline of a wedding dress stared back at me. Forget worrying about two grooms, I didn’t even have one.
I ripped the page from my sketchpad, crumpled it up, and tossed it at the wall. It hit without a sound and dropped to the floor just as silently
“Sadie.” Lyn’s quiet voice yanked me from whatever I was stuck in.
I looked up to find her standing next to my desk, studying me with concern. I tried to grin, but it came out more like a grimace. “Hey. How was your Christmas?”
“A lot better than yours, from what Anne tells me. What can I do?”
“Nothing. What’s done is done.” I flipped back to the armor I’d started on. “I need some opinions about this.”
“Of course.” Lyn crossed the room, rather than looking at my sketchpad, and picked up the crumpled page I’d tossed away. She smoothed it out against her leg, then looked at me. “This is gorgeous.”
I clenched my jaw and tried to collect my thoughts. “That’s not what I’m working on.” My voice cracked.
Lyn returned to crouch next to me, to look me in the eye even as I stared at the carpet. “Tell me,” she said.
Talking about that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I showed her the armor. “What do you think of this?”
She took my sketchpad from me, set it on the desk, and tugged me to sit next to her on the edge of the bed. Without my distraction in front of me, the rest of the day was free to rush back in.
“What if I never get to wear one?” The question tumbled out without my permission. “It’s a stupid question. It’s not like I won’t date other guys.” Except that the thought made my stomach churn. “And yeah, I can make one any time, but what if I never get to wear one for the intended purpose?” It was only one piece of my plan for the future, but it had been the impetuous for so much else, and with my plans crumbling around me...
“What are we assuming is the intended purpose?”
I looked at her skeptically.
Lyn gave me a tiny smile. “Humor me. Answer the question.”
“Getting married. Obviously being someone’s wife isn’t going to define me, but a girl has her dreams.”
“Getting married is a lot of things to a lot of different people. For instance, I don’t see you as being someone who will be happy purchasing a license, and then letting a justice of the peace process you in the next room over. Where the only thing that says we’re married is signing your name on a piece of paper.”
That sounded horrible. So bad, it almost made me smile. “No. That’s not me.”
“You want an outdoor ceremony, on the lawn in the sunshine. You and your girls in gorgeous dresses. The guys in matching tuxes. Everyone’s friends and family watching you declare your love for each other. Celebrating a moment no one else will ever have, because your love is yours and unique.”
It was a painfully beautiful description, and it refractured my heart. My brain wanted to put either Jax or Grayson across from me, and at the same time, the either or of it all ached. “What if that’s not an option for me?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because three people can’t get married.” Saying it aloud released a cork on my fears. They had a shape now, which made them sound silly, and more terrifying all at the same time.
Lyn shook her head. “Not in the first scenario they can’t. The state’s not super flexible about that. But in the second, your dream wedding, why not?”
What about jealousy? And feeling left out? And everything that came with being a third wheel? “Because... It doesn’t work that way.” It was a weak answer, but it was all I had.
“Maybe not. But maybe it does.” Lyn hugged me. “Come downstairs. I’ll eat brownies if you will.”
Brownies weren’t a solution, but my thoughts were sp
inning in a different direction now. Looking at things from an angle I couldn’t see before, and chocolate sounded like a good way to help that along.
Chapter Nineteen
Talking to Lyn didn’t help me sort my thoughts so much as it lodged ideas in my head that I’d dismissed before. Which meant my brain was more of a mess than ever.
I was going to adjust my plan for the future. The work part of it.
But none of the plan stood alone. Thinking about my career goals led back to thoughts of love, and I couldn’t see anyone but Jax and Grayson in that picture. The same old argument was there—it couldn’t work. I couldn’t share and be happy. But now I couldn’t imagine it working any other way, with any other guy, either.
It was jumping the gun to even take the thought that far. They wanted to see where things went, I was planning the rest of my life around the idea. Then again, that was the only way to look at it. Sure, I didn’t plan on marrying every guy I dated, but the possibility was there for each one.
And with them...
I couldn’t linger in that corner.
Telling myself to stop thinking about Jax and Grayson was like ordering someone not to think about an elephant. Completely counterproductive. “When did this all start?” I asked my empty room.
With the sex was the easy answer. But they’d been thinking about it—about me in that way—before then, or Jax wouldn’t have made the proposal. I wouldn’t have accepted if the fantasies didn’t already exist.
With both of them, regardless of what I told myself.
“When did it all start to fall apart?” The walls weren’t going to give me answers, but asking the questions aloud helped me feel better. It dragged me out of my own head.
With the sex. Maybe. At the RinCon courtesy suites? That was when I started to put pieces together. Amid talk of hacking VR for porn, and turning costumes 3D with rendered assets. When I couldn’t ignore what was right in front of me any longer.
“Wait. What?” I rewound, and landed on my conversation with Chet. Our artists struggle to translate 2D into something with depth. “No...”
Looking For It (Three Player Co-op Book 1) Page 9
