by Nicole Dykes
I’m really fucking trying.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Reed, Erin, and little Emma lately. I want to be a good influence in her life and not just sad Uncle Garrett.
The doorbell rings, and I tug on a black t-shirt after climbing out of the shower that I needed to wake up after the long work day. I run a comb through my hair and walk down the hall, hoping it’s Reed and Erin arriving before Ash and Archer.
Yes, in my attempt at being a better person, I invited Archer along to our annual sadfest. I’ve only seen them a couple of times since Emma Paige was born, but it hasn’t been all that bad. It pisses me the fuck off to admit it, but Archer is a decent guy, and even though it kills me to see him touching and kissing Ashlyn, she really seems fucking happy.
I’m still working on the being happy about that thing.
Maybe I’ll get there.
Maybe I won’t.
I reach the door and see only Ashlyn standing there. I pull the door open, attempting a smile. “Where’s Archer?”
She shrugs her small shoulders. “He thought it would be better if tonight was just us four.”
Fuck, he really does care about her. There’s no fucking way I would have allowed her to go solo tonight. “Pretty perceptive dude.”
“Yup. He’s pretty good with all the grief stuff.” She slides her pink flip-flop over the pavement of the front porch nervously, and I smile when I read her white tank top. Pink lettering that says “Don’t be a jerk” with a heart around it.
“Yeah. He seems to be.” I nod to her shirt. “That message for me?”
She laughs and lifts her right shoulder, her left hand going in the pocket of her jean shorts. “Maybe.” She looks at the driveway, her car and mine are the only ones parked there. “Erin and Reed late?”
I nod my head. “Yeah, they do have a little human to take care of. I suppose I’ll let it slide.”
She chuckles. “Just this once.”
It feels really fucking good to be standing here, talking to her like this. “Come on in.”
I step out of the way, and she walks in, her eyes taking in the home that used to be hers. To me, it will always be her home. I haven’t changed a thing, and she smiles, a sense of relief coming across her pretty face. “Looks the same.”
“Yeah, you know me. Why change it if it’s sufficient.”
She laughs, but seems slightly panicked as she walks to the patio door. I know she wants to make sure I didn’t destroy it. I walk to stand behind her.
“It’s all the same.”
I watch her throat as she swallows with difficulty and then takes a deep breath. “I’m glad.”
We stay frozen in time as we both gaze out at the patio I spent so much time making for her and only her. We both jump when the doorbell rings.
“That must be Reed and Erin.” I state the obvious, but there’s something wrong with my voice. It comes out as a harsh whisper instead of with the confidence I want to portray.
She nods but doesn’t move.
“Ash.” I touch her shoulder, and she jolts back to life.
“Sorry.” She turns to me and takes in another deep breath, her chest rising and looking way too fucking perfect in her tank top.
I force my legs to work, and we walk together to the front door. I smile when I see them and open the door. “I thought you guys were getting a sitter.”
Reed just grins as Erin clings to the adorable baby in her arms. “Plans changed.”
Erin rolls her eyes and walks inside. “I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry, but I’m also not because look at this beautiful face.”
I laugh as Emma looks up at me and coos. I close the door behind them. “I’m glad she’s here. Personally, I think the conversation for tonight just improved.”
Reed agrees, handing me a bottle of wine, and we carry it to the kitchen. I actually prepared dinner for tonight and when we get to the kitchen, I check the chicken roasting in the oven.
“Look at you, all domestic and shit.”
I laugh and grab a water from the fridge, side-stepping the beer I normally would grab. “Yeah, I’ll teach ya if you want so you can stop being a burden on your beautiful wife.”
He chuckles and nods to the water in my hand. “You’ve changed, fucker. Where the hell is my booze-guzzling, lazy friend?”
“Fuck you.” I offer him his own bottle of water, and he takes it.
“Archer didn’t show?”
I shake my head and take a drink of water. “Nope.”
“They on the outs or something?”
“Nah.” They seem to be solid as ever. “He just thought that with the anniversary and shit, it should just be us.”
He grins and takes a drink, tipping the bottle to his lips. “Damn. There’s nothing to hate about the dude.”
I laugh, silently agreeing. “Thanks for trying.”
He punches my shoulder. “I really did.” Reed is a really fucking great friend, but he’s right. There’s nothing to hate about Archer. “You gonna be okay tonight?”
I nod my head, knowing he’s really saying, “don’t be a dick.” And I can’t blame him, considering my past behavior. “I’ve got it under control.”
“Good.”
When dinner is ready, we all go outside to the patio, and Erin lays Emma, who is fast asleep, in a travel bassinet by the table.
We pour wine and sparkling cider for Erin, and she raises her glass. “To Paige. We miss the hell out of you but know you’re having a kickass time in heaven, girl.”
We raises our glasses with her. My eyes land on Ashlyn, who raises her own toast. “Thanks for watching over us. Miss you every day.”
I look up at the sky, wondering if she’s really watching over us. “How has it been nine years?”
“It feels like just yesterday.” Reed says as we all drink and finish the toast.
“I hate my scar.” Ashlyn admits looking down at her side, even though her tank is currently covering the pink scar on her left side. I’ve seen it dozens of times, but the last time I saw it, it had faded considerably.
“Don’t.” My eyes meet hers. “It’s part of you.”
Reed smiles and points to the side of his head. “I wear mine proudly.” He had a pretty fucking bad concussion after the wreck. He hit his head hard and had to have stiches on the right side of his head.
“Your hair covers it, asshole,” I shoot back.
He laughs. “You’re damn right because I still have my hair.”
That makes us all laugh, remembering the conversation we had right before the crash. “There’s still time,” I add to fuck with him.
Erin rolls her eyes at us and grabs her fork to start to eat. “Damn, Garrett. I can’t believe you can cook now.”
“Don’t boost his ego too much,” Ashlyn teases.
After dinner, we sit, sipping wine and reminiscing, no tears are shed until Emma wakes up and has a full-on meltdown.
Erin picks her up to soothe her, but I offer to take her. “Let me try.”
She smiles, and Ashlyn looks skeptical as Erin hands her over. The kid stops right away, and Erin shakes her head, looking over at Ash. “I swear I’m gonna make him move in. I have no idea what it is, but she fucking loves him.”
Ashlyn smiles over at me, and I expect a smartass response, but she just grins as the infant settles back to sleep in my arms, and I take a seat next to Reed at the table.
“Come on, Ash. Let’s clear the table while the men tend to the baby.”
Ashlyn agrees, and they take the dishes into the kitchen while Reed and I gaze up the sky.
Paige, if you really are here. I’m really fucking trying.
Holy shit. Who the hell knew Garrett was good with babies?
That shit is just totally unfair. And hot. Why does it have to be so hot to watch him holding Emma Paige on his chest as he talks to Reed?
“Ash?”
Shit. Erin. Right. Pay attention.
She knows me way too well. She grins o
ver at me from the sink where she’s rinsing dishes. I grab a plate from her and load it into the dishwasher.
“How are things with Archer?”
Right. Archer. Your boyfriend, dumbass. Your sexy, sweet, talented, perfect boyfriend.
I place another plate into the dishwasher, pretending to be totally casual. “Great. Really great.”
And they are. My relationship with Archer is stable and healthy.
Until I’m around Garrett and he makes my heart thunder in my chest so fast I’m afraid it will leap right out of my throat.
There’s that.
“Right. So then, why are you staring at Garrett like he’s a snack?” My eyes meet hers after prying them off Garrett. When the hell did I start staring at him again? She doesn’t relent and puts further emphasis on her statement. “Like you want to fucking eat him.”
“I’m not.” I was. I so was.
She nods her head and rinses the dishes, being a good friend, trying to make excuses for me. “It’s the baby. It’s the ridiculously cute baby in his arms.”
She smiles, nudging my shoulder. I’m so thankful for her. I sigh as I look out the window again. “Emma is very cute. But it’s not that.” She turns to look at me, full of kindness and understanding. “I felt this way before you got here.”
His body behind me as I stared out at the oasis that he created for me and preserved even after I left sent an inexplicable thrilling shiver through my body, and I was transported right back in time. Here, where we made a home together.
She grabs a dish towel and dries her hands, taking mine and leading me to the kitchen table, urging me to sit down with her. She takes both my hands in hers and sighs softly. “You know I love you to death.” I nod. “And I say this only with love.” Shit. This is going to be brutal. “You have to figure your shit out. Because Archer is a good man who deserves better.” Yeah, that stings a little, and she squeezes my hand. “And you are the best of the best, but if you are in love with another man, he deserves to know.”
I swallow the sadness I feel and know she’s right, but I’ve never felt more confused in my life. Archer truly is a good man, and I care about him deeply. He’s perfect for me. He keeps me in a state of progressing, nudging me forward toward the career I want and the relationship I thought I wanted. And there is definitely a physical attraction. My boyfriend is fucking hot and damn good in bed.
So, why doesn’t it feel like he is setting my soul on fire by merely standing behind me? Saying nothing at all.
It’s not fair.
“It doesn’t matter, Erin. Garrett . . .” I pause and look up the ceiling. Lost. So hopelessly lost. “He will always love her. And if we were together, he would just wish I was her.”
The admission makes me sick. “No.” She drops my hands, throwing hers in the air. “Look, God forgive me for what I’m about to say.” She points a finger at me. “And I kind of hate you for making me say it.”
“What?” I stare at her in genuine confusion.
“He’s always loved you, too.” I open my mouth to argue, but she shakes her head sharply. “He asked you out first. Before Paige. It wasn’t a joke. He had a real thing for you. And God, we all could see it the whole damn time.”
I stare at her in horror. They all saw it? Even Paige? I swear I tried my damnedest to hide my crush on Garrett.
“Ash, he loved you. And you loved him. You guys didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing scandalous about it, but damn, you two had serious chemistry even back in the day.”
I shake my head, tears filling my eyes. “No. We loved Paige.”
“You did. We all did. And still do. And that’s why nothing ever happened between you two until after she was gone.” She squeezes my hand tightly, her eyes portraying only kindness. “And she is gone. And I firmly believe she’d want you guys to be happy.” She sighs again like she’s at war with herself. “She saw it too, Ash. The chemistry, the spark between you and Garrett. She saw it too.”
I’m in shock and barely manage the words. “Paige told you that?”
She nods sadly. “Right before the accident.”
“Was she angry? Did she hate me? Did she really think I would do anything like that to her? Or Garrett?” The questions fly out of my mouth, and Erin remains calm.
“No. She wasn’t mad.” I can tell Erin is struggling with how much to tell me. Paige is someone we all have a hard time talking about. The good memories are hard enough, let alone anything on the negative side. “She worried that maybe you two were the ones who were supposed to be together all along. That maybe she got in the way, but she didn’t think either of you would ever betray her. There was nothing sinister going on, Ashlyn. It was just so much damn love.”
I choke back angry tears. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“I don’t think she wanted to face it.” She smiles and pats my hand. “She wanted you to be happy. I promise you this, and I know it deep within my soul. She wanted only good things for you.”
“I am happy.”
“Okay. If you are, I’ll shut up. Maybe it’s purely a physical attraction with Garrett. But if it’s not, all three of you deserve the truth to come out and to actually move forward. Because if you’re with Archer, thinking about Garrett, then honey, you’ll remain frozen in time for the rest of your life.”
My eyes drift toward the patio. I watch Garrett in a conversation with Reed, an honest to God smile on his face.
And I know she’s right. I’m stuck in a limboish hell I’m afraid I’ll never escape.
“I’ll stop by next week and bring you food.” I holler after Erin as she, Reed, and Emma make their way to the car.
She waves, smiling as they put Emma’s car seat in the back and then drive off. Garrett closes the door and then heads to the kitchen to clean up the mess we made from the dessert Erin brought.
“I can’t believe she made an apple pie with a newborn.”
He chuckles and tosses a napkin in the trash. “Yeah. She’s something else, but I knew motherhood wouldn’t slow her down. She just added another gear.”
I smile and help him clean the kitchen, and then we move out to the patio. I kick my shoes off and sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my feet in the cool liquid, and Garrett surprises me by doing the same right next me.
“You really took to that baby.”
He chuckles, kicking at the water with his bare feet. “Why the fuck is everyone so surprised?”
I lean back on my palms, laughing. “I’m not sure. But I am.”
“Babies just like me. And Emma is fucking awesome.”
I smile and look out over the pool. “Yeah. She is. I’m so happy for them.” He nods, not saying anything but also leaning back on his hands, his arm muscles tightening as he does. “Paige would love this.”
“Yeah. She loved babies even in high school.”
“Yeah, she did.” I let my feet float on the water. “I’m glad you kept the pool clean.”
“Hired the same guy from last year. He does a decent job.”
I hate the small talk when so much is going through my head, but at the same time I’m terrified of my own thoughts. I can’t believe Paige had suspicions about Garrett and me.
“Nine years.” His voice makes me turn my eyes to look at his sad expression.
“Almost a full decade without Paige.”
He shakes his head, and I realize how close we’re sitting. “Do you think she would be okay with the man I became?”
The vulnerable question is surprising, and it takes me aback for a moment. “Yes.” I answer honestly. Asshole or not, he’s a good man. “I think about it too, though. Wonder if she is disappointed in my choices. She was always so organized.”
His hand brushes loose hair from my face, and I suck in a breath at the brief contact, before he uses his hand to brace his body against the rock. “She would be really fucking proud of you going back to school and following your dreams. She loved your movie.”
Our faces are
way too close to each other as I breathe my next question. “Do you think you guys would have had children by now?”
“I’m not sure.” He doesn’t move, his gaze far too intense, and it’s locked on me. “I thought I had it all figured out, but we were so damn young.”
“But you truly loved each other. Never doubt that.”
“I don’t.” We are way too close now, his voice enveloping me along with the consuming look in his eyes. “But I don’t know what would have come at us if she would have lived either.”
I nod, my eyes involuntarily closing as our mouths move toward each other in an unstoppable force.
One I felt pulling me since he opened the door this evening, but before his lips press to mine, I hear his voice and smell the sweet wine on his breath. “I can’t, Ash.”
My heart clenches, and I don’t want to open my eyes and move back into reality as I whisper, “Why?” against his lips.
I hear the anguish in his raspy voice. “Archer is a good man. I can’t fucking ruin the good thing you guys have going for one moment of weakness with me.”
A tear slides down my cheek, and I want to scream, my chest bursting with frustration as my forehead rests against his. “Why did you pick now to be decent?”
He laughs at that and tips my chin with his hand so I’m forced to look at him. “Fucking life, Ash. Timing is always off.”
I actually laugh with him at that as tears roll down my cheeks. He kisses my forehead and then wraps one arm around me. We turn and look out at the pool in what was once our backyard.
He’s truly let me go.
My hand is shaking as I knock on Archer’s front door, but I needed to come here after leaving Garrett’s.
Nothing really happened. It’s okay. Just breathe.
The pep talk is not helping.
Archer answers the door, shirtless and looking half-asleep.
Shit, is it that late? How long was I at Garrett’s?
“Were you asleep?”
He laughs and grabs my hand, yanking me playfully inside his home. “It’s after midnight, and I have to work tomorrow at five in the morning.”
