She knew it was a love without purpose, because Nico had been so careful on that score, so honest and sure of himself.
From the beginning he’d emphasised his determination that this wouldn’t be anything other than fun and light. Her stomach looped, her mind ran, because it was no longer light, and though it was fun, they’d gone through a trauma together, too. She’d opened herself up to him, and vice versa. Hadn’t he said as much when they’d eaten dinner at the restaurant in the caves? He told her things he never told another soul.
It was so complicated. She shook her head a little, her eyes trained on the ocean without seeing. It wasn’t complicated at all though. She loved him, and she knew she always would.
Nico reached for her side of the bed, reaching for Maddie, wanting her but not just in a sexual way. He wanted to hold her, to draw her body close to his, to bury his face in her hair, to kiss her until she was breathless and laughing.
Something pulled at his gut. Disappointment. That she was gone now, but more importantly, that she was leaving that afternoon.
He’d become so used to her. He liked spending time with her. She was easy and she was fascinating and she was addictive. When he’d first propositioned her with this summer fling, he hadn’t had any doubts about it. What could go wrong? They got on well, they were completely compatible, and he’d never once wanted more from a woman than a few nights.
So why was he fantasising about the idea of more, now? Why was he pushing out of bed and dragging jeans on, intent on finding her before he could even work out what he wanted to say?
Because she drove him wild, and in a way he completely welcomed.
Fall was coming. Life would have to go back to normal. But not just yet, surely? She was still sporting a bruise on her cheek. Her emotional injuries, though not visible, would still be just as apparent.
What he needed was a reprieve. A temporary reprieve to keep her in his life, just a little longer. Until he was ready – until they both were – to do what they’d agreed to right from the beginning.
Maddie was so engrossed in her own thoughts she didn’t hear him enter at first. Nico was almost behind her when she shifted, lifting her face to his. His hair was tousled, he wore no shirt. Just a pair of low slung jeans that showed the muscles of his torso and the bones of his hips so her mouth went dry for a whole other reason now. Dark hair arrowed towards his pants.
“It’s early.” He smiled. Was she imagining the way it didn’t reach his eyes? Was he feeling this too?
“I was up.” She turned back to the counter, opening the milk and pouring a glug into the tea. “Do you want a coffee?”
“I’ll make it.”
He moved behind her, reaching for a cup, placing it in the machine, and all the while she observed him surreptitiously, as though she could store up enough sightings of him to somehow get her through this.
“How did you sleep?” His voice was deep and sexy, coated in the desire that was so much a part of them.
“Yeah, fine.” It was a lie. All night she’d been conscious of the meaning of this day.
“Did you?”
She sipped her tea rather than answer.
“I’ve been thinking.” The coffee machine came to life, making a low noise in the background. “What if you don’t leave today?”
Everything inside Maddie froze to a halt. The world stopped spinning. The rain fell, but silently. There was nothing, just a void and her and Nico standing at its centre.
She stared at him, saw the way his face was held, waiting for her response. Waiting, and yet she found she couldn’t speak. It was everything she wanted. Everything she’d been silently hoping for, thinking about, wishing could happen.
Her smile was radiant and he returned it.
He expelled a soft breath. A sigh of relief? “I don’t have to go to the States yet. I could push it back by a week or so. What do you say?”
The world began to turn once more with an almost deafening screech. Or was that her blood rushing through her body? Her smile dropped, her heart felt like it had a stitch right in its centre.
“Do you mean you want me to stay for another week?”
He lifted his shoulders. “Yeah. Why not?”
There was something in his manner, something so casual and relaxed, that it sparked anger within her. Anger! At Nico! She couldn’t believe she could feel that towards him and yet she did. It burned through her, accelerated by the sheer tonnage of her disappointment.
“A week.”
He put a hand down and Dante loped towards him, nuzzling his fingers with the tip of his nose. “What do you say, boy? Do you think Maddie should stay here a little bit longer?”
“I’m not…” She swallowed, confusion flooding her. What did she want? More of Nico? Definitely. But another week? Was there any point delaying the inevitable? Was a week enough to stave off this deep hurt inside her chest?
Of course it wasn’t. And the fact he felt like it would be offended Maddie on every level. “And then what?” The words were hollow so his expression sobered, his eyes finding hers, trying to read her. But she didn’t want to be read, she wanted to be heard.
“What do you mean?”
“What do we do after that week?”
Silence.
A silence that filled her with pain, and the longer it stretched the worse it got because it should have been a simple answer. If he loved her, the answer was ‘we keep going, more of this’.
“What do you mean?” He moved closer, bracing a hand on either side of her body, trapping her within his arms, her back pressed to the kitchen bench. She lifted a hand to his chest, her fingers pressing to the naked skin there, marvelling at his warmth. But it was an appreciation eclipsed by sadness, because an end was near. Regardless of what he was trying to do now, they both knew it.
She swallowed; it felt as though her throat was lined with razor blades. There was such futility in this. She dropped her hand and focussed on his shoulder. “In one weeks’ time, will you feel differently? Do you think you’ll wake up happy to see me go?”
“Not happy,” he answered immediately, his frown pulling at the strings of her heart. “But more accepting.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
She laughed, a short, sharp sound of rejection. “That’s not an answer.”
“Fine. Why today?”
“Because it’s the day we agreed on.”
“Right. It’s an arbitrary line in the sand. A page on the calendar. So let’s choose another one. Seven more days here, with me,” he moved a little closer and despite the fact she could feel tension radiating from him, he lifted a hand and cupped her cheek so gently, his eyes hooked to hers, promising her pleasure that she understood would prolong this pain. “And seven more nights.” He dropped his forehead to hers, brushing their lips together.
How tempting it was! How lovely it would be to nod her head and surrender to him completely. After all, he was right. While she had to vacate La Villetta, that didn’t mean she had to leave Ondechiara. But knowing how she felt, there was danger in staying. Danger to her heart.
“I can’t.”
Something flashed in his features as he straightened, in order to be able to see her better.
“Why not?” And for a moment, the briefest moment, she saw Nico as he must be to the rest of the world. The hard-nosed businessman. Billionaire tycoon, responsible for one of the largest corporate entities in the world. A tremble made its way over her spine then through her central nervous system, but she held her ground. Maddie was done surrendering. She knew what she wanted and if Nico wasn’t offering it, then she had to leave.
“Because one week isn’t what I want.”
“Then what do you want, cara?”
A dream. More than he’d ever promised. She sucked in a breath, forcing herself to be brave. “I just want you.” A wistful smile shifted across her face, because as soon as she heard it, she knew it was impossible. “I just want all of you, for a
lways.”
Chapter 13
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”
He asked the question even when her expression told him everything. He felt like he was falling down a well, deep and dark. He felt like a child, unable to articulate anything so instead he relied on questions as a stalling technique. He felt like a coward for not even acknowledging her wants with the truth of his own.
But he couldn’t. He didn’t. He loved what they were doing and hell, he wanted more of Maddie too, but not for always. Just for now. Just this one summer – and a little bit extra.
“It means I’m in love with you.”
He cursed inwardly. She was about to cry and he couldn’t handle that. He wouldn’t be the reason for it. He’d wanted to make her happy, to help her heal, not fill her with a new layer of grief that she would leave Italy needing to recover from.
“Maddie…”
“I know.” She nodded urgently. “You don’t have to say it. You don’t love me.”
Her declaration was anathema to him. Never forget how much I love you, Niccolo. His mother’s parting words had stayed with him a long time, but love was easy to forget when it existed in a void. It was eleven months before he saw her again. Eleven months of longing and missing, needing and wanting, and never having. He’d cried, as a small boy, for a need to be in his mother’s arms.
Love was a powerful idea that didn’t, in his experience, translate to much in the real world. Just like any kind of future with Maddie was doomed.
They wanted different things.
She wanted children. Marriage. All of the happily ever after fictions he’d long ago come to despise. But he wanted to give her an answer that would make her smile. Christo, he wanted to give her everything.
“It’s okay,” she reached for his hands, moving them from her sides so she could step away from the bench. “I get it. It’s fine, really.”
“It’s not fine.” He grabbed her wrist, holding her still, looking down at their flesh – his dark and hers creamy – so something within him groaned to a halt. “I want to love you. I want to give you what you deserve but I can’t. I just…love isn’t… It’s not something I’ve ever wanted.” He winced at her look of hurt. “It’s not part of my equation. I just…don’t believe in it.”
“Don’t believe in it?” She seemed to have caught his habit of question repetition. “Love isn’t a belief. It’s a fact of life, an instinct that drives us all.”
It was the best evidence he could have sought for why this wouldn’t work. On this point, they were in fundamental disagreement. “It doesn’t drive me.”
Her tears fell unchecked now.
He closed his eyes in an effort to stem the guilt that rose within him. “It’s just the way I am, Maddie.”
Her eyes narrowed, and he felt a spark of irritation in her gaze. He was glad for that – he’d prefer anger to sadness any day, especially when that anger was directed at him. “No, it’s the way you’ve chosen to be.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, come on, Nico. I know you. You were wrenched out of your mother’s arms as a four-year-old kid. Of course you don’t know how the hell to love and be loved. Of course it’s safer to tell yourself you don’t want love because your only experience of love is being hurt by the one person on earth who should have been biologically programmed to always look after you.”
He was almost at the bottom of the well. It was dark. He was alone. He could barely breathe. Her words were pressing into him, making everything hurt.
“Stop.” He took a step back from her, the force of his reaction surprising them both. “Do not speak to me about my mother.” His accent was heavier when he was emotional.
“Why not? You don’t think I know a thing or two about that kind of abandonment? My mum was gone half my life. She cared more about every other kid on earth than she did me. I get it. It sucks. But you’re a grown man and you’re responsible for how you choose to live. Stop being afraid and let yourself feel this.”
He was resolutely silent, his expression like stone.
“Or are you actually saying she has nothing to do with this? Why a man like you would choose not to let himself care for another person?”
He groaned. “Christo, I do care for you, Maddie. Isn’t that enough?”
“I think you’re in love with me.” She threw the words at him like an accusation. “I think you love me just like I love you but you’re too damned scared to admit it.”
His eyes flashed with disbelief. She watched him, her heart breaking, her mind spinning, but somehow, for some reason, she couldn’t stop. “I think this whole month we’ve been falling in love with each other and the reason you’ve asked me to stay another week is because you hate the thought of my leaving. Because you don’t want to be away from me any more than I want to be away from you.”
He shook his head, refusing to acknowledge any truth within her words.
“What’s going to happen in a week?”
He was quiet, stony-faced.
“If I stay,” she pushed. “What then?’
“I don’t know.”
She rolled her eyes, unable to stop the derisive gesture. “That’s not enough.”
“I’m sorry.” The words were a growl. “I wish I could give you what you want, Maddie.” Her heart turned over because she’d wanted to fight with him, to inspire him to a temper, but Nico was incapable of reacting in anger. He was so different to anyone she’d ever known in that respect. Was it further proof of the tight grip he had on his heart, though? “I thought I was clear from the beginning. I believed you understood.”
“I know what you said.” The words were quiet. All the fight had left her. She could see she was on the losing side of the equation, yet that didn’t stop her from wanting to have this out. “But I also know that this month wasn’t what either of us expected. We were playing with fire from that very first time.”
“Si,” he agreed quietly. “But I refuse to let it burn out of hand.”
“Like it’s a choice?” She shook her head emphatically. “Maybe you’re right. If you truly think love is something you can choose to feel or not then we must be looking at this from totally different perspectives.”
He sucked in a breath, his chest moving visibly. His nostrils flared and his eyes bore into hers. When he spoke, his voice had a coldness to it that was the worst thing she’d ever heard. “I make you the same offer today that I made back then. I want to be with you, like this.”
“But just for another week,” she snapped.
He eyed her cautiously and finally nodded. “Si.”
Her stomach was in knots. It was so completely insufficient. “And nothing more?”
A slight hesitation that filled her with the most awful hope, because she knew it was without cause. “Nothing more.” His jaw clenched, a muscle throbbed at its base. “Stay because you want to be with me. But do not expect me to love you, cara. I’m just not built that way.”
She regretted it as soon as she’d left. Not leaving. She’d known she’d have to do that. But telling him she loved him. Marring their last morning together with a stupid argument. She regretted putting him in a position where he had to be honest with her about his feelings – or lack of them. Because it had tainted what they’d shared, so she no longer felt able to enjoy the memories. It was ruined. She’d ruined it, and now the pleasure that had erased so much pain brought its own hurts.
Autumn made it easier to grieve. In the long sunlit days of summer, she’d felt like a fraud carrying such a heavy heart. But with autumn and the cool change, the dark evenings, and finally, winter’s approach, she relished in her heart’s complementary mood. No matter the seasons though, the nights were unbearable. Nights were for dreams and her dreams had turned to nightmares.
She saw Nico in her mind and yet she could never reach him. He was there one minute, smiling at her, but when she held out a hand he disappeared. Sometimes, she dreamed he was the
re, kissing her awake and her eyes burst open with a start, hoping that he was there, that the lines between reality and fantasy would stay blurred. But it was always an illusion. False hope.
Pain became a part of her. So much pain she wondered how she’d ever felt anything before leaving Nico? What she’d endured with Michael – it was nothing compared to this. There was a piece of her missing, a huge piece of her, and she wasn’t sure if it would ever cease to feel that way. Could hurts that went this deep ever really heal?
“You’re looking pale, love.”
She blinked, drawing her attention from the soft falling snow beyond her father’s living room window to focus on Graeme Gray’s face. “What’s that, dad?”
“You’re looking pale. Are you feeling well?”
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat and forced what she thought might pass for a smile. “I’m fine.” Her eyes didn’t meet his. The lie was so obvious to her, but he shrugged and smiled, and the warmest rush of affection flooded her heart. Maybe this was the answer? Perhaps love – different kinds of love, but still love – needed to be felt to erase the pain?
Dressed in his old gown with slippers and a folded up newspaper under his arm, he looked so familiar, so dear, that her smile became more genuine.
“What do you say, dad? Shall I pour us a cider and we’ll watch Mr Bean?”
His eyes lit up. “That’s our Christmas eve tradition, isn’t it?”
“For this episode of the Montebellos at Christmas, the part of Gabe will be played by Nico.”
Nico scowled as he turned towards his cousin Luca, his perennially ‘devil may care’ disposition irritating in a way it never had been before. “What?”
“What gives, man? We’ve already got one brooding grump in the family. We don’t need another.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You think it’s not obvious?”
“What?”
“You haven’t come to dinner for months. You’re avoiding your family, and you’re only here now because Yaya called and told you how much it meant to her, but you’ve barely said two words to anyone. So what the hell is it?”
Just This One Summer: A billionaire forbidden love romance... (The Montebellos Book 2) Page 16
