I sink back in my chair, and sense rapid movement behind me.
Hopefully someone was just running to the bar for the newly announced shot special, and didn’t catch the end of that conversation.
Max
“Oh, Max if Bianca catches you here she’s going to have a fit.”
I’m sitting on Sharon’s sofa, petting the new bunny.
“Relax, I ducked out of pool after my match. I said Rob and I had an early job. Rob was eager to get back to Diamond, so I dropped him off. I thought I’d swing by here and see what you thought about...things. Come on, Sharon, you know I’m the son you never had.”
I’m hoping my cheesy smile wins her over.
Sharon puts her face in her hands and sighs. “You’re a piece of work. Yes, I agree that she’s moving too fast with this guy. Now of course I thought the same about you, until you just told me that Amber is a special agent.”
“I like her, but I’m still in love with Birdie. And Amber isn’t ready for a relationship. And she hates rock music and…anyway, we’re not compatible but she’s turning out to be a good friend. So whadaya say?”
“Do you really need more covert operatives? You have Katie telling you everywhere Bianca goes, and now you want me to…I don’t know, Max.”
“You don’t have to do anything. I don’t have all the details figured out yet, but it’s going to be hilarious.”
She stands up and reaches out to take Bun-Bun, and put her back in her cage.
“I’m sure you have yet another devious friend helping you…wait I know, Rob and the bimbo, right?”
“Sharon, that is not nice talk. Diamond is a lovely woman.” I smirk and continue. “Come on, I’m not asking you to lie. I just want Bianca to see what kind of guy she thinks she’s falling for. It’s good to put people in situations and see how they react. I’m helping Birdie make a good decision. Quicker. And I heard her with my own ears—she still has feelings for me and she’s worried about Mick. This guy is just a rebound.”
“Can’t you let her figure it out on her own, without trying to make her jealous or manipulate her? Or better yet, start doing some things to prove yourself worthy.”
“I have a realtor looking for houses, and I put the new bike up for sale. I’m being cooperative with her custody and visitation agreement. I’m giving her child support. What else can I do? She can’t see that I’ve changed if I can’t get any time alone with her. And I can’t do that if she’s with this guy.”
“Okay, I’ll do it. I’m not crazy about him, and I don’t think he’s good for her long term. But you should have known a knight in shining armor was going to come along if you kept screwing up, even if it’s all a façade.”
“Oh, my armor is going to gleam, Sharon. You’ll see.”
Sharon sends me on my way, but not before packing up some of her famous brownies.
I knew Mama Osbourne would be on my side. I also know the next batch of baked goods will be poisoned if I don’t make good on all my promises to be a better man for her daughter.
On the way back to my (Rob’s) shitty apartment, I call his bimbo. She’s one smart bimbo when it comes to getting what she wants, so the perfect addition to my spy team.
“I know exactly what we can do. You want to set up a situation where Eric will look bad and you will look good. It’s pretty simple. It’s not really deceptive, you’re just hurrying along the process. He is a douchebag—and you’re setting a douchebag trap.”
“No wonder my brother loves you.”
“He loves me? Really? He hasn’t said that yet. It feels like his mouth isn’t formed in such a way that those words could come out of it.”
She laughs, but I think Diamond actually does have a heart beneath her huge…
“But we’re not talking about me. You adore Bianca and she’s a lucky woman. Eric is hot, but in that drippy, too nice way. Bianca will get bored of him anyway. We’re doing him a favor by freeing him up to find someone boring like him.”
“So what do you propose? You’ve already pulled the ‘panties in the bed’ prank. Everyone knows about that one. Plus that one is really bad. I don’t want to make him look bad that way. I just want to set him up to be his natural, jerky self.”
“Yeah, I wish everyone would forget about that. It wasn’t my finest hour. But we don’t have access to his place, so that can’t work anyway. I know. There’s a guy at Hooters…a regular…he’s handsy, but I have control over him. He works at a pet shop…”
“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this one.”
Bianca
I stayed at the pool hall too late, and work was a long, dragged out hell. I forgot what it’s like to work with the public…all day long. At least when I worked in the tattoo shop we had cool customers and I worked with Zoe, Axl and other fun people.
With Amy gone, the salon is in chaos. Jennifer is pissed off all the time, and even Gloria is getting tense.
Raven stopped in today to tell us she’s working on a replacement, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she convinced Amy to come back. Gloria told me that everyone feels that Eric wrongly fired her.
That made my cheeks burn uncharacteristically because I think everyone now knows about our relationship.
I have Mick tonight, so Eric and I can’t see each other. Max insisted upon helping me out by picking Mick up from day care. He said he had a job close to Claire and Brandon’s house.
I think he just wants to see me again. And where does Amber fit into all of this? If he’s using her, then he hasn’t changed a bit. Actually, that would make him worse. Max has never done anything that sleazy.
I park on the street in front of our house, and see the Buczkowski Brothers van.
Hopefully he has a date and can’t stay long. I can see my mother inviting him to dinner. Everyone in our lives seems to want us back together.
Although Brandon did say he thought Eric was a good guy, and that everyone should mind their own business. And Claire was fairly objective, too. Rob and Diamond are obviously going to side with Max. And Zoe and Katie dread being in the middle.
If it wasn’t for Mick, I would ask Raven to open a salon in another state and let me run it.
As I open the front door, I am greeted by my wide-eyed boy, pointing his chubby finger toward the kitchen.
“Mama, budgy, budgy, budgy!” He makes crawling motions with his fingers. Shit, do we have…?
“Oh my God, they’re everywhere!” My mother is yelling, and I hear Max saying something.
“Sharon, I’ll spray the outside of the house. That’s the best defense. We should have done it weeks ago. I bought the stuff, but since I was asked to leave…oh hi, Bianca. There are ants crawling all over the kitchen.”
He’s not kidding. Phoebe’s food bowl is covered. Now I see there’s an ant marching formation that leads across the floor to the outside of the house.
“I can’t take it anymore, and now I can’t even rely on anyone to do the few man jobs you used to do.”
“Mom, why is spraying the house with ant repellent a man job?”
“It’s not really, but it’s nice to have a little help.”
Mick is crawling up my leg to escape the ‘budgies.’ I pick him up and he says, “Dada, bye-bye budgies!”
“I’ll make them go bye-bye, little man.”
Max rubs his son’s shoulder and I say, “I did see a couple of ants the other day, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“You did? So why didn’t you tell me? What did you do?” My mother’s eyes are wild. She absolutely hates bugs.
“Why didn’t you call me to come over?” Max is so smug now.
“I mentioned it to Eric, and he said he would call an exterminator for us. I guess they were backed up and he couldn’t get an appointment.”
“Well that’s super helpful of him. What a guy. Who did he call? You know that Pete at Pete’s Pest Control is my friend. Sharon, where’s the stuff I bought? In the shed?”
Mom nods and my throa
t tightens. Eric was trying to be helpful. Just because he didn’t stop everything and run to my rescue…or maybe he never called anyone. I should just do everything myself, but he seemed eager to help.
Sharon
Bianca snuck away while Max and I were strategizing on ‘Operation Ant Murder.’
Max could have sprayed the house before he was thrown out, if he hadn’t been parked on the couch killing zombies, and doing other stupid things.
But since I want my bugs killed now, I’m not going to mention that.
“Thanks for helping out. I saw ants the other day, too. It’s just as much my fault. I didn’t want to call you because I knew it would piss her off. And I should be doing these things myself anyway, but I got used to having a man around.”
I laugh and whisper, even though she’s in the house, and we’re outside. “The funny thing is—this isn’t even your plot. These situations will continue to arise naturally, and she’ll change her mind if Eric doesn’t step up. She’s independent like me, but we all like a little rescuing now and then.”
“I don’t think she’s changed her mind. She’s hiding from me.”
“That’s only because she’s too proud to thank you, and she doesn’t like her new man being criticized. You’ll see, she’ll come around.”
“Yeah, if he failed this little test, I can’t wait to see how he reacts to a bigger problem.”
Max’s evil grin makes me worry about how big the next problem is going to be.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
Bianca
“I don’t think I can afford a house, Raven.”
I motion to Zoe to sit still while I wrap up this call. I’m transforming her into a sexy mermaid, while talking to Raven on the phone.
Why not add moving and taking on an enormous responsibility to my list of major life changes? At this rate, I’ll be a resident of the psych ward. They’ll pump me full of drugs and I’ll be imagining the ants from the kitchen are crawling on me.
“You can! Your biggest obstacle is your length of employment, but you have a stable prior work history. And the best part is that we are offering financing on these houses. It’s not like you’d be applying to a bank.”
“Financing sounds scary. Don’t I need a down payment?”
“Nope. This is another one of my ventures. Daddy is helping me to offer no down payment loans to people who need them. So far most of the buyers are single moms and young couples. I think we also sold to one retired man. It will be a nice mix in the neighborhood, and plenty of kids for Mick to play with.”
She continues to sell me on her new neighborhood of small, but trendy starter homes.
“Once you see them, you’ll fall in love. They’re right outside the city in an up and coming area. You’ll still be near your mom, the salon and Max. And even closer to Mick’s day care.
“Why do I want to be close to Max?”
Zoe is now prancing around my mother’s catering kitchen, shaking her mermaid tail. Once I wrap up this call we need to hurry and finish her look, before my new photographer friend gets here.
“Oh, I figured because of the baby. More convenient.”
“How about Eric?”
“Sure, you’ll be close to him, too. So why don’t you come by tomorrow afternoon and take a look.”
“Okay. Eric and I are going out tomorrow night, but not until later. Send me the address.”
“Already done. I e-mailed the address and the floor plans. I’ll let the site manager know you’re coming.”
And just like that, she’s gone.
“What’s wrong?” Zoe stops her pretend mermaid swimming and frowns. “Is Raven trying to get you to buy an expensive house?”
I hold an eyeshadow brush in mid-air and bite my lip. “No, actually she’s trying to help me get a brand new, affordable house in a good neighborhood.”
“Wow, what a bitch.” She sticks her tongue out and laughs.
I wish she would sit still. This is what it would be like to do Mick’s makeup. However, with the exception of Halloween, I don’t think my son will want makeup…unless he starts wearing black eyeliner when Max’s rock star dream for him comes true.
“No, it’s a good offer. A little scary, but I’ll check it out. Maybe I’ll bring Mom with me tomorrow.”
“Not Eric? Isn’t he really smart with financial stuff?”
Max
Katie may be the most valuable member of my spy team. She told me Eric is taking Bianca to the Patterson House tomorrow night. I had no idea what that was, so I looked it up. It’s a fancy joint, but I’ve got a new suit. And so does Rob. Good thing we had to get all decked out to see our new commercial client.
When Birdie sees me in a suit, she will lose it. She’s not used to seeing me like that, and I saw her face when I showed up at the house all decked out.
That asshole wears a suit every day. On the hike, I overheard her saying that the hike was the first time she saw him in other clothes. And he looked like a dweeb in his khaki shorts and polo shirt.
My words, not hers.
Bianca does not belong with a polo shirt wearing, wine drinking douchebag.
Just to prove myself further, I am going to look at some houses tomorrow afternoon. My realtor turned me on to a community of what she called ‘cute starter homes’ with ‘flair.’
I’m not sure what flair is, but it sounds like something Bianca would like.
Bianca
“And this model has an open floor plan. I especially love the loft area upstairs. You could use it as a play area for your little one now, and turn it into a library later.”
Tina, the site manager, keeps feeding me these lines as we tour each of the model homes.
I do have to admit they’re all gorgeous. Small, but full of style. And it isn’t only the ‘smoke and mirrors’ of the professional decorating. The homes themselves are beautifully designed.
I stare up at the balcony and Tina interjects. “I know what you’re thinking. That banister isn’t child proof, but you can get a different banister option without the slats. Do you have any pets?”
I continue to stare and reply, “Just a bunny.”
While she yammers on about bunny safety, as if Bun-Bun might leap to her death after a carrot overdose, I am surprised by the first thing that has popped into my head.
I see Max’s drum set in the loft.
Max
This is exciting shit. If I had known looking at houses was fun, I would’ve done it years ago.
And I am so stoked to casually run into Bianca and Eric tonight. I may even have the brochure for this place in my jacket pocket, by accident of course.
My realtor, Mary Ellen, is showing me all of the models. They have a sales rep onsite, but since I’m working with a realtor she’s showing me around. I’m sure that’s so she gets her cut, but hey—everybody’s gotta make a living.
“Now this one is darling. All of the models have some kind of loft space. Wait until you see the master suite. It has a window seat and plenty of room for a king sized bed.”
I follow her up the staircase and arrive in the loft. It’s a good size space. I know exactly what could go here. This is going to be so cool.
“And as you can see, both of the secondary bedrooms are amply sized. You only have one little one, right?”
“Yep, but I am hoping to add to the family soon.”
“Oh, how nice. There aren’t too many men out there like you, Max.”
Now I know she’s shoveling the shit to make a buck, but I do believe she’s right. And Bianca will see that very soon.
I glance out in the backyard. “Do all of the lots have that much flat land?”
She joins me at the window in one of the back bedrooms.
“Yes, the lots are expansive. You could build a detached garage, or a big shed.”
Bianca is going to love my ideas.
Bianca
I am moving in two weeks. I don’t know how that happened. After we finished touring th
e houses, we sat down in Tina’s office and reviewed all of the pricing and floor plans again.
I am usually pretty decisive, but buying a house in a couple of hours is a record for impulsive behavior. I’ve taken longer to buy shoes.
I actually didn’t buy the house. I chose it, and now I have to go meet with Raven to review the specifics, but assuming the loan is approved, I am good to go.
I have just enough time to go home, change and meet Eric at the Patterson House.
I told him I had to do something with my mother after work. I didn’t want to tell him about the house yet. I haven’t made any decisions and I know he’ll try to give me advice, and it’s important to me to do this on my own.
Eric
There she is. She’s wearing the nose ring. I told her to put it back in. She stopped wearing it to the salon. She thinks it’s too ‘edgy’ for work.
She may be right, but I think it’s sexy, and I don’t want to control her.
Besides, it adds to that borderline trampy look of hers. But she’s also so pretty and polished. It’s a mind boggling melding of sleaze and refinement.
I do need to take her shopping, though. The dress she wore the night we went to the steakhouse was acceptable, but tonight she’s a little too conservative. I think she’s having difficulty perfecting her new look.
What she doesn’t understand is that she drives me wild, and I don’t want her to change. I just need her to tone it down a little bit in certain circles. Like work functions. And amp it up when we’re having fun.
This place is a little snooty for her, but I love to see the stares when she walks in a room with that unnatural flaming red mane, and that arm full of tattoos.
Bianca
“I am so happy to see you, I don’t care what we do all weekend. Well, that’s not true. I do hope after I do some domestic duty with you at the Earth Day festival, that I’ll get some reward.”
Accidental Makeovers Page 21
