Well, so much for showering in my guest bath. Lying, pompous…
“AAAHHH!!! There’s a rodent in your shower. You probably have an infestation. Call someone!”
I don’t understand why he’s still running. A little mouse can’t get out of the bathtub.
Bianca runs down shortly after, but she’s put on a bathrobe and wrapped her hair in a towel.
Now that Eric is standing in the living room, dripping water on my wood floors, with multiple sets of eyes on him, he turns redder than Bianca’s hair.
Max is clearly enjoying this, as it’s exceeded our expectations for the prank. Now to get upstairs and dry off that poor little guy and give him some cheese. Diamond will take him back to the shop.
I hope he wasn’t hurt. The idea was for Bianca to see the mouse before she got in the tub and scream, causing Eric to show his uselessness with manly tasks, and Max to calmly step in and take care of the situation.
But no, not even close to what’s unfolding in this nuthouse.
Bianca yells, “Eric, you’re dripping all over the floor.”
I take this opportunity to sneak upstairs to grab the mouse.
I glance behind me and Mick is staring at Eric like he’s the craziest loon he’s ever seen, and Max is stifling his laughter.
I hear him say, “I’ll go up and help Sharon.”
“Don’t hurt him!” Bianca is frantic.
“Birdie, when have I ever hurt anything?”
Their voices trail off as I reach the bathroom.
“There you are, little guy. I’m sorry. Let’s get you dried off and we’ll get you some of the best cheese. I have some that’s imported from Italy.”
I am crouched down in front of the tub, holding him in a washcloth, when Max appears at the bathroom door, doubled over in laughter.
“This isn’t funny!” I hiss at him in a hushed tone and before I think about what I’m doing, I release one of my hands to smack his leg and the slippery critter jumps in the air, lands on the bath mat, and flies out the door, all in a split second.
We look at each other and simultaneously say, “Phoebe.”
My dog isn’t vicious, but no canine can resist chasing a smaller animal.
Max and I follow the mouse down the stairs, and find Phoebe barking at the couch, sticking her paws under it.
“Is that where he went?” I wait for someone to answer me.
Eric takes this opportunity to stop standing there like a frozen statue and run upstairs.
Bianca glares at him and says, “Thanks for your help, Prince Charming.”
I’m not sure if she’s teasing him or she’s really pissed. Perhaps a little of both.
I mean, her boyfriend was just standing naked in her living room in front of…never mind, his days have to be numbered now. Or maybe he’ll break up with her and realize this isn’t for him.
From the top of the stairs we hear Eric say, “You could have done something. You were in there first!”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m such a tough girl!”
Now Max is on the floor, peering under the couch, and I see we a have new problem.
“Bun-bun hide!”
Mick points under the couch. The bunny is under there, not the mouse.
“Mick ran and let Bun-Bun out of her cage in the midst of the chaos.” Bianca waves her arms around to emphasize the breakdown of all sanity that we’ve prompted with this foolish prank. If she only knew…
“Why do children do these things? I guess when all the adults are acting like nuts, it’s fun to join in.” I shake my head and look to Max for another plan. A less crazy one would be nice.
“Okay, I’m not going to try to grab her—I have a better idea. Also, we still have a mouse on the loose. And no, don’t call an exterminator. That’s ridiculous. The pest guy I know would laugh his ass off if he got a call for one mouse. Especially if he got here and saw there was at least one able-bodied man around.”
He glances upstairs and then back at Bianca. He then walks into the kitchen and comes back with a plate containing carrots, cheese and roast beef.
Eric comes down the stairs just in time to say, “Oh, I’m the idiot, and this guy’s going to sit down and have a snack?”
“Are you seriously a moron?” Max’s rhetorical question is met with silence, but I am wondering what he’s doing.
Oh wait, I know.
He kneels down and shows Phoebe the meat, which causes her to salivate. “Come on, Phoebe girl, let’s go in here and have some delicious meat.”
He holds the meat away from her face and leads her to the family room, tossing the meat in and quickly shutting the pocket door.
“Okay, next.” He lifts the couch just enough to tempt Bun-Bun with the carrot. Sure enough the little dope comes out with her nose twitching, and let’s Max feed her.
“Bun-Bun!”
“That was very naughty letting Bun-Bun out of her cage. She could have gotten hurt. Now let’s put her back.”
Max allows Mick to pet the bunny, while he places her back in the cage. Mick takes the carrot from his father and feeds it to the ravenous rabbit, through the slats.
“Now, where is that little…?”
We all begin looking around for the mouse. Even Bianca has unclenched…everything…and joined the search.
Eric looks as awkward and out of place as a…wet mouse in a bathtub.
“He was hiding behind the shower curtain in the tub. I guess to avoid the water. Poor little guy.” Bianca pouts.
“Yeah, miraculously he wasn’t even that wet when I found him.” I reassure her and feel a new surge of guilt.
I hate to keep dwelling on it, but this was such a bad idea. I should have known anything that Miss Big Boobs came up with would be a disaster. She’s not the brightest…
“Shh….” Max puts his finger to his lips and points to the drapes. A tiny little tail is sticking out. I almost get teary-eyed as I think of how the mouse is just like a child. The young ones never realize that they need to hide their whole bodies.
Max motions to me, and I grab the remaining food off his plate and kneel down slowly.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” Eric breaks the silence, and we all glare at him.
He’ll be lucky if I don’t poison his food.
“What do you think we should do, smash him with a hammer?” Bianca is riled up, and Max once again makes the shushing motion.
Although, this is going so well for him, and I can see he’s loving it. I think he’s standing taller than usual. After this, he could go rescue puppies and kittens from a burning building.
I place the cheese by the curtain and I see the second twitchy nose of the day appear. As he bites the cheese, Max grabs him by the tail. I quickly jump up and find the first thing I see that will hold him—one of Mick’s Lego tubs.
Now that he’s secure, we all sigh in relief. Just as I am wondering how Max is going to get the mouse out of here without being questioned about what he’s going to do with it, Eric says, “No, I don’t want to play with your damn bunny!”
In all the commotion we didn’t notice that Mick was bugging Eric, trying to get him to feed the carrot to Bun-Bun.
As if the gods were smiling upon my dastardly, (most likely) future son-in-law, Mick dissolves into tears.
And cut. Good work, everyone.
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
Bianca
To say that dinner was awkward yesterday would be a gross understatement, but it’s not easy to recover from running, naked and wet, wearing a shower curtain and rod, in front of your girlfriend’s mother and ex-boyfriend.
I sigh as I apply more gloss to my new client’s lips. I’ve been able to get a few more lately, but I want to work on building my portfolio, too. I asked Brandon if he has any connections with other bands, and he suggested I come on their weekend tour. Apparently they are opening for a popular all-girl band.
For obvious reasons, I declined that offer. However, he and Claire have been t
he only ones who have been the least bit on my side in the break-up, although I can see Claire has her doubts about Eric. Brandon said he thinks everyone is too hard on Eric, and Max is acting like a maniac.
It’s a sound assessment, except Eric has done some things to piss almost everyone off, including me.
I realize he has little to no experience with children or animals, but doesn’t he have any common sense or problem solving skills? And what man is that afraid of a mouse? Maybe when he was a little boy, he was bitten, or attacked by a herd of rodents.
However, this seems unlikely.
The worst part was yelling at my son. I’m not going to say that Max and I have never done that, but it’s different when someone else crosses that line, no matter how tense the situation.
I have a little break to get my thoughts sorted out since Eric is in New York all week. This will be a good test to see if I miss him or not.
I’m not one of those women who changes for a guy. I told him yesterday that I won’t be doing any more running, unless of course a small, furry thing scurries across my feet.
He seemed eager to accept my decision and change the subject.
It will be good to spend time this week focusing on myself. I’ve also been neglecting my friends. Maybe the girls would like to get together. At least I’m meeting Katie for lunch today.
And that damn bunny cage needs to be cleaned. Again.
AND as if I don’t have enough on my plate, I now am the proud owner of a mouse named Herbert. My mother named him after a character in one of Mick’s favorite books.
After the whole scene finally calmed down yesterday, Max said he would get rid of the mouse.
I immediately began to worry about what that meant, and if he was playing the animal-friendly protector solely for my benefit. He didn’t seem to have a plan or a good answer, but he agreed to get a cage while we kept Herbert in a box.
I don’t know what came over me, but in a split second I decided I wanted to keep him. Maybe because he was the first mouse to see me naked.
Eric didn’t make one peep about it, but I’m sure he’s thinking he needs to find a woman with less responsibilities…and annoying, small creatures.
So after all of that, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad to be at work today. And here’s the really astonishing part—Amy is back.
Apparently Jennifer threw a fit and Raven had to allow her to come back. Finding someone new was taking too long for our manager. I don’t know what she does all day, but she’s not cut out for working on her feet.
Or with customers. Or doing hair. Or any work of any kind, as far as I can see.
I’m beginning to wonder if sleeping with Eric got her where she is. Hmm, is that what he’s doing with…anyway, Amy has been keeping to herself and I think she’s learned her lesson.
“So you really thought you could get me fired?”
I spoke too soon. All morning she was quiet and docile, but now that she has gotten the chance to corner me alone, she’s pouncing.
“Amy, I’m going to lunch. I had nothing to do with it. Now get out of my way and let me get my purse.”
I’m not much taller than Amy, but definitely a stronger woman. She’s all baggy clothes and bones.
“Oh, so now you’re threatening me. You should go back to where you came from with your dirty tattoos and your whoring ways.”
I take a deep breath and begin counting. Unfortunately, I don’t think counting to ten is going to cut it. And before I get there, she will say something else to tip me over the—
“Sleeping with Eric got Jennifer where she is, so I suppose you’ll be the manager soon.”
Just as I unclench my fists and contemplate choking the life out of her, Jennifer appears out of nowhere.
Does everyone sit around in this place, hiding and waiting to attack? I feel like I work with a bunch of wild cats in the jungle.
“What did you say, you little bitch?”
Now Gloria has abandoned her client, and no one is up front except Stephanie, who is probably sleeping with her eyes open, doing her own nails and texting about how she hates all of us. I haven’t mentioned her much, because it’s almost like we have a mannequin for a salon assistant.
“What is going on back here? Ladies, stop it!” Gloria stands in the back hallway, trying to prevent our clients from witnessing this disgraceful scene.
I feel like I’m back at The Patterson House, except no one is even drunk!
Jennifer grabs Amy’s hair and starts yanking on it, and Amy pushes her back into the small kitchen counter.
Now Jennifer is jumping on Amy’s back, which topples her to the ground.
This is worse than fights on the playground in middle school. And yes, I was in a few, but a very few, and I was never the instigator.
Gloria and I look at each other, and in a split second, I decide how to handle this.
“I’m going to lunch.”
Max
Katie is a gem! She had lunch with Bianca today, and she told me that Eric is out of town. I don’t know if it was a planned business trip, or the jackass was running away his with tail…I mean shower rod…between his legs.
But either way, his stupidity is my opportunity.
That plot couldn’t have gone better yesterday. I just wanted to see what he would do. I expected her to call for help when she saw the mouse, and for him to fuck it up.
What he doesn’t even realize is that she’s wasn’t scared of the mouse, she just wanted to help it.
That’s why I planned to be there, in case Mickey was going to meet his untimely death because the suit guy turned into a rodent assassin.
But no. He transformed into a manic little girl, and Mickey, or should I say…Herbert, was rescued.
And not only that, I helped Bianca keep him. She didn’t know I had a cage in my van, but I did have to go back to the pet store to get gear for him.
Diamond’s weird friend from Hooters was a little suspicious when I didn’t return with his merchandise, but when I paid for the mouse, and bought food and other supplies, I guess he realized Herbert found a home.
Really I think he was only concerned about balancing his mouse inventory.
Since Katie has been such a helpful informant, and Sharon allows her home to be turned into a three ring circus on my behalf, I am taking her advice.
I am going to stop by the house right now…to talk to Bianca. Like a normal adult.
Sharon is out tonight. She finally joined one of those singles meetup groups, and there is some kind of happy hour thing.
Katie also told me Bianca had a horrible day at work—some kind of a cat fight between the manager and the one employee she doesn’t like. My little Birdie needs some comforting, and Eric isn’t around to do it.
Plus that asshole yelled at my kid! It took all of my strength not to beat the shit out of him.
But I controlled myself and Sharon assured me she would run interference for the rest of the day. Besides, Bianca looked so pissed, I think he was afraid of her.
I didn’t call first tonight, because if she’s in a bad mood, she probably won’t agree to see me.
But she needs me. I know it now. I could see it in her eyes as she watched me handle the situation, while Eric was being completely…pathetic.
He may not play video games or drink too much beer, but those are not the true measures of a man.
Okay, time to kill the philosophical bullshit. It’s game time.
Bianca
“Phoebe, what are you barking at?”
My mother can’t possibly be home already, although if there were weird, creepy men hitting on her…
Oh, son of a bitch. Not now!
I pick up the yapping dog and answer the door.
“Hello, Max.”
“Hey, sorry to barge in, but I wanted to see if you had a minute. Just to talk. Is your mom here?”
He peers beyond me, but he’s doing it in an oddly exaggerated way. As if he knows s
he’s not here. Just as I’m searching for an excuse to send him away, Mick comes flying into the entryway, yelling, “Dada, Heebie!”
I sigh and step back, motioning for Max to enter. I put Phoebe down and close the front door. She jumps on his leg, and then rolls on her back to collect her belly rubs.
All of my little beings are traitors.
“I know, Herbie’s a cute guy.” Max has one big, strong arm around his son and the other cradling Phoebe, as he tries to gain his balance and stand up.
I’ve noticed he hasn’t been shaving lately. I thought I liked Eric’s smooth skin, but sometimes it feels like I’m nuzzling my baby, instead of a grown man.
I invite Max in, and Mick is dragging him towards Herbert and Bun-Bun, in their respective cages, babbling incomprehensibly about their activities.
I go to the kitchen to grab Max a water, after he declines a beer. Really?
Mick finally settles down on the couch with Phoebe, and I select an episode of the How to Train Your Dragon cartoon series on Netflix.
This will keep him occupied, and he won’t hear a word we say. The sooner I let Max talk, the sooner he will leave.
Mick nestles into his favorite corner of the couch, and I sit next to him. Max pulls the side chair closer, even though he could fit next to me on the couch.
I’m glad he’s respecting my personal space, and not thinking it’s family snuggle time. It’s almost time for Mick to go to sleep, so this is perfect timing to wind him down anyway.
“Listen, I know you’ve found someone else, but I want you to know that Amber and I are just friends. I’m sorry I made it look like more. I was crazy jealous, but I didn’t use her. She feels the same way. Neither of us is ready for a new relationship.”
I shift in my seat and put my legs under my body, pulling back slightly. “Yeah, you didn’t seem that genuinely into each other, but you don’t owe me any explanation.”
“And I’m sorry for my behavior at the bar. Hell, I could apologize all night long. But that’s not what I want to be doing.”
I can’t believe I’m asking this question, but I know the answer. “What would you rather be doing?”
Accidental Makeovers Page 24
