My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  ‘I still like the concept,’ Frankie added.

  Alan grabbed another chair and opened it up.

  ‘That’s a massive table,’ Frankie groaned as he stood and stepped from the patio onto the lawn. He took a further step back as if he was trying to get the table into focus. ‘That’s a really really big table. Where did she get it from? Camelot?’

  Alan laughed. ‘I think it was a present from her parents when she moved in. I don’t think they’d measured the garden when they ordered it.’ He knocked on the table top. ‘It’s made from some rare wood.’

  Frankie thrust his hands into his pockets and stepped closer. ‘So who’s coming tonight? Aside from the knights of the round table.’

  Alan continued to unfold chairs. ‘James and Amy. Rosie’s sister Jayne, Harry and possibly his new girlfriend.’

  ‘Has anyone met the new girlfriend yet?’

  Alan shook his head. ‘He said he’s been waiting for the right moment.’

  Frankie chuckled to himself. ‘I bet she’s a dead ringer for Old Man Ernie. Is she called Elsie?’

  ‘We don’t know her name either,’ Alan said. ‘Poor woman. She’ll forever associate meeting us with getting Botulism.’

  Frankie dropped back into the chair with a grunt. ‘Anyway, don’t let me hold you up. I’ll just sit here and take in the sun.’

  ‘Not there you won’t,’ Alan said. ‘I need to open the table up and you’re in the way.’

  ‘Open the table up?’ Frankie repeated. ‘How big does this thing get?’

  ‘I have no idea. But I know Rosie wants it open, so that’s what I’m doing. Unless you can use your ghostly powers and open it for me you can sit over there and keep quiet.’

  Mumbling under his breath, Frankie shuffled further along the patio and sat in the chair furthest from the table. Ignoring him Alan took a grip on one end of the table and pulled.

  ‘Jesus!’ Alan yelled as the table refused to yield.

  ‘Alan!’ Rosie cried out, appearing at the back door. ‘What’s the matter? You’re making enough noise to wake the dead.’

  ‘He already has,’ Frankie called back.

  ‘It’s this monstrosity of a table,’ Alan said. ‘It won’t budge.’

  Rosie stepped into the garden and up to the table. ‘There’s a wheel here,’ she said, reaching under the table. ‘All you have to do is give it a couple of turns and it opens out automatically. Here, let me do it.’ Rosie turned the wheel and the table slowly separated across the middle. Alan watched as a large rectangle appeared from beneath the table and locked into the centre, increasing the length by a good three feet.

  ‘You weren’t trying to move it by brute force were you?’ She asked, laughing.

  Alan mumbled something under his breath and stepped off of the patio. He looked back at the table and realised that not only did it now take up the entire patio, but it overlapped the lawn by at least a foot.

  ‘It’s bigger than an aircraft carrier,’ Alan said. ‘Planes could take off from that.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Rosie snapped. ‘It’s perfect for tonight, we can all sit round it.’

  ‘Conversation will be difficult though.’ Frankie laughed. ‘That side of the table is in a different time zone.’

  *

  Two hours later Alan, Frankie and James stood in shade at the bottom of Rosie’s small garden.

  ‘It’s them, over there.’ Alan nodded to his left.

  ‘What about them?’ James asked, prising the top off of a bottle of beer.

  ‘That’s where Dawn and Joy live. They’re the ones stealing my mail.’

  James passed the bottle to Alan who nodded in thanks.

  ‘You still going on about that?’ James asked, opening a bottle for himself.

  ‘It’s alright for you,’ Alan protested. ‘You still get post. I’ve had nothing since….’

  ‘Hang on, let me have a look,’ Frankie said as he wandered over to the fence, stepped onto a flower pot and peered over the top.

  ‘What’s happening?’ James asked.

  ‘I’m not sure, mate. Frankie’s looking over next door’s fence.’

  ‘Why?’

  Alan shrugged.

  ‘You should have invited them tonight,’ James said. ‘You could have asked them outright if they are nicking your mail.’

  ‘Rosie asked them but they couldn’t make it. They’ve got other plans apparently.’

  ‘Maybe they’re spending the night reading through your junk mail,’ James mused.

  ‘I couldn’t see anything, at least not in the garden,’ Frankie said, as he returned to his friends.

  ‘What did you expect to see?’ Alan asked.

  ‘I don’t know. That’s the point. I was looking for clues.’

  ‘What? Like a big pile of envelopes with my name on?’

  ‘I’ve told you on numerous occasions, keep your eyes and ears open. You never know what you’ll see,’ Frankie said.

  ‘Did he see anything?’ James asked.

  ‘Of course not,’ Alan said. ‘Funnily enough they didn’t think to leave evidence in nice tidy piles for Sherlock Holmes here…’ he pointed at Frankie, ‘to find.’

  Frankie mumbled something under his breath. Alan took a long pull on his bottle, James decided that enough time had been wasted and headed off in the direction of food.

  *

  ‘Look at this table, its lovely.’ Amy said to James. ‘We should really get something like this.’

  ‘It’s Vietnamese teak. Harvested from a sustainable source,’ Rosie explained proudly.

  ‘Isn’t it a bit big?’ James said. ‘It covers the whole patio and some of the grass.’

  ‘Not at all,’ Rosie said defensively. ‘Anything smaller and you wouldn’t get the benefit.’

  ‘Oh I see,’ he replied, not seeing at all. He turned to the barbecue which had been squeezed in alongside the edge of the table and the fence.

  Jayne stood on guard over the smoking barbecue. She was wearing an apron and held a pair of tongs aloft as though trying to catch flies. Occasionally she would prod an anaemic looking sausage so that it rolled over and presented it’s slightly better cooked side.

  ‘OK Jayne, fill it up,’ James presented her with a plate.

  ‘Sorry James. Amy says that you’re only allowed one sausage,’ Jayne told him. ‘But there’s plenty of salad on the table.’

  ‘Don’t worry mate,’ Alan whispered in his ear. ‘You can have mine. If you hide them under the lettuce, she won’t suspect a thing.’

  ‘Cheers, mate,’ James said cheerily as he took the solitary sausage from Jayne and piled some lettuce on his plate. He wandered over to Amy to show her what a good boy he was before taking a seat.

  ‘When’s Harry getting here?’ Alan asked as he dropped into the chair next to James, surreptitiously sliding three sausages onto James’s plate.

  ‘Anytime soon I imagine,’ Rosie said. ‘He’s going to pick up his girlfriend first.’

  ‘What time do day centres close?’ James asked with a smirk.

  ‘James!’ Rosie snapped. ‘That’s not very nice.’

  ‘So no one’s met Harry’s mystery woman yet?’ Jayne asked as she placed a tray of suspicious looking chicken on the table.

  ‘No,’ Alan said. ‘But Harry seems to like her a lot. She’s probably one of those trendy old grannies you see on TV, all funky sunglasses and tracksuits. Probably DJ’s at a nightclub. Goes by the name of DJ Annie The Granny or something. I can’t see Harry falling for an old fuddy duddy.’

  ‘Listen,’ Amy said in a tone she normally reserved for her misbehaving pupils. ‘I want you two on your best behaviour,’ she glared between Alan and James. ‘Is that clear?’

  ‘Yes Miss,’ the friends replied in unison before giggling to themselves.

  ‘There is one thing,’ Alan said.

  ‘What’s that?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘We’d better save her the seat nearest the house.’

&nbs
p; ‘Why?’ Amy asked, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.

  ‘It’s a long way to this end of the table and at her age the walk could kill her.’ Alan quipped and James giggled again.

  ‘They’re like a pair of kids,’ Amy frowned at Rosie, who nodded sadly. Any further response was interrupted by the doorbell.

  ‘I’ll get the door,’ Rosie said excitedly. ‘You two,’ she pointed at Alan and James. ‘Not a word.’

  Alan mimed zipping his mouth shut while James nudged him in his side.

  ‘I’ll put a Vera Lynn CD on. It’ll make her feel at home,’ Alan grinned, receiving a stern glare from Amy in return.

  ‘Good evening everyone,’ Harry said, stepping into the garden with a big grin on his face.

  Alan waved at his friend, Amy gave him a big smile, Jayne told him it was good to see him and James nodded with a mouth full of sausage.

  Frankie shouted out, ‘Well, where is she then?’

  Almost as if Harry had heard him he said, ‘This is Katherine.’

  Stepping out from behind Harry, Katherine waved shyly. ‘I’m really pleased to meet you all, Harry has told me so much about you.’

  A wave of silence swept across the garden. Alan would swear later that even the birds in the trees stopped chirping.

  Kathrine stood framed by the kitchen door in a light blue summer dress that made her pale blue eyes pop. She nervously pulled at her long blonde ponytail as the silence engulfed the garden.

  Slowly she stepped out onto the patio, holding Harry’s hand.

  ‘OK, right then,’ let’s get you some food,’ Jayne said breaking the silence.

  ‘That’ll be lovely, thank you,’ Katherine smiled and walked over to the barbeque with Harry.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ Alan said. ‘She’s proper fit!’

  ‘Alan!’ Rosie shushed. ‘Not so loud, Harry will hear you.’

  ‘Good, he needs to know I’m impressed.’ Alan turned in his chair to stare at Katherine from behind.

  ‘Mate,’ James whispered in his ear. ‘She’s younger than us. ‘Sly old fox.’

  ‘Well I think it’s sweet,’ Amy said at last. Alan and James turned their attention back to the table. ‘What do you think, Rosie?’

  Rosie shrugged silently.

  Alan knew this shrug well. It meant she wasn’t happy, but didn’t want to say so. He reached over for some tomato sauce, and caught Frankie’s smirk.

  ‘Blimey,’ the ghost said. ‘Is she even legal?’

  Chapter 13

  Alan rose from his seat and smiled politely as Harry introduced Katherine.

  ‘I’m so pleased to meet you, Harry’s told me so much about you,’ she said.

  ‘All good I hope?’

  Katherine nodded, her blonde ponytail bobbing up and down. ‘Absolutely. He says he couldn’t have done it without you.’

  ‘Well I…’ Alan hesitated, momentarily thrown by the compliment.

  ‘So where did you two meet?’ James asked, appearing alongside them, holding a plate of sausages covered with several bits of lettuce.

  ‘This is James,’ Harry explained.

  ‘At a gig,’ Katherine told him and shot him a big smile.

  Rosie watched the scene unfold from the barbeque. Turning to Jayne and Amy she said, ‘Look at those two,’ she gestured towards Alan and James. ‘They’re lapping it up. Just because she’s young and pretty.’

  ‘She seems nice though,’ Jayne said, receiving a reproachful look from her sister.

  Oblivious to the conversation at the barbecue, Katherine explained how she and Harry had met. ‘I was at a club watching my friend’s act and Harry was there performing with Old Man Ernie,’ she placed her hand on Harry’s arm and smiled. ‘He really made me laugh. More than anyone else that night…’

  ‘More than your friend?’ Alan interrupted.

  ‘Absolutely. I saw Harry after the show and we had a drink.’

  ‘And the rest is history,’ Harry added.

  ‘Is your friend a comedian? Would I know them?’ Alan asked.

  ‘I’m not sure. Jessica. Jess. Jess Tilley. She has a guitar. Sings songs. She was the star of our university review and has done a few open mic nights.’

  ‘That’s how Alan started. An open mic night,’ James said.

  ‘Oh really…’

  ‘Mind your backs,’ Jayne warned them as she passed by carrying plates of burgers, sausages and bread.

  Alan and James parted as Jayne placed the plates on the table.

  ‘Take a seat, there’s more food on the way,’ she said. ‘And James, Amy said salad only.’

  James nodded to his plate of lettuce and sat down as Jayne wandered off. He poked Alan in the ribs and lifted the lettuce to reveal several sausages.

  ‘Good effort Mr Cook,’ Alan whispered quietly as he sat beside him.

  James glanced behind him, Amy was deep in conversation with Rosie. ‘I have to be careful. She has spies everywhere.’ As if to emphasise his point, Jayne returned to the table with a couple of plates of food.

  A cool breeze blew across the table, Alan and James exchanged looks while Harry and Katherine shivered.

  ‘Rosie is in a foul mood,’ Frankie said, sitting himself down in the empty chair alongside Alan. ‘Really bad. I haven’t seen her this angry since you forgot her birthday.’

  Alan turned and saw Rosie, stony faced, deep in conversation with Amy.

  He shrugged and turned back. ‘Can’t be anything I’ve done,’ he mumbled.

  ‘What’s that?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Oh. Sorry,’ Alan said with a start, as all heads turned toward him. ‘I just remembered I was supposed to be helping James stick to his diet and look,’ he gestured at James’s plate. ‘Sausages and burgers. I turn my back for one minute and you’re at the sausages and burgers.’

  ‘Way to throw me under the bus, mate,’ James said through a mouthful of sausage.

  ‘Why don’t you let me take this from you?’ Alan reached out to take hold of James’s plate.

  ‘Bugger off,’ James said, keeping hold of the plate. ‘It’s mine.’

  ‘Come on mate, you know it’s for your own good.’ Alan tugged again at the plate, James tried to hold on but the plate slipped from his grasp, several sausages falling to the grass.

  ‘Sorry mate,’ Alan held the plate out of James’s reach. ‘Let me take this back to Amy. I’m sure she can find you a nice carrot smoothie to fill you up.’

  James scowled at Alan as his plate was taken away.

  ‘Would you like some lettuce?’ Katherine asked, offering James the salad bowl. Alan and Harry laughed in unison.

  ‘What are you two up to?’ Amy asked, placing a couple of bottles of wine on the table.

  ‘There you go,’ Alan passed Amy James’s plate. ‘I’ve had to save James from himself.’

  Amy frowned at her husband. James shrugged and reached for one of the bottles of wine. Any further discussion about James’s failure to adhere to his diet was halted by the arrival of Rosie and Jayne, both carrying more plates of food.

  Rosie nudged Alan with her elbow. ‘Budge up.’

  Alan looked at Frankie, sitting in the space Rosie desired.

  ‘I’ll be off then,’ Frankie huffed before disappearing.

  Alan shuffled around the table allowing Rosie, Jayne and Amy to sit down.

  ‘This is a lovely table, Rosie,’ Katherine said. ‘It’s very difficult to find a table that comfortably sits this many.’

  ‘Thank you. It’s made from Vietnamese teak, harvested from a sustainable source,’ she replied while spooning salad onto her plate.

  ‘What does that even mean?’ James asked.

  ‘It means that after they cut down a tree, that had probably stood there for hundreds of years, they planted another one, which by the end of the century might be as high as five feet,’ Amy told him.

  ‘You cynic Mrs Cook,’ Alan laughed. ‘I hope that cynicism doesn’t rub off on your class.’

 
Amy glared at Alan, who grinned in return.

  ‘What age do you teach?’ Katherine asked.

  ‘Primary school children. Special needs.’

  ‘Oh, that is absolutely fantastic,’ Katherine gushed.

  ‘Katherine does voluntary work in a home for disadvantaged children a couple of evenings a week,’ Harry told them.

  ‘That’s very good of you,’ Amy said. ‘Some kids have it so hard.’

  Katherine beamed. ‘Absolutely. I do what I can, and it’s so rewarding.’

  ‘How’s Charlie?’ Rosie asked James, changing the subject.

  ‘He’s cool,’ James said, giving up on his attempt to make a salad sandwich. ’He’s a real character. So much personality.’ He took a pull on his bottle of beer. ‘Although he pooed himself silly just before we left.’

  Alan’s snort of laughter was in stark contrast to the silence around the table.

  ‘It was dreadful,’ James continued. ‘A right mess. I had to hose him down.’

  ‘It was your fault,’ Amy said.

  ‘How was it my fault?’ James asked indignantly.

  ‘You’ve been feeding him high fibre cereal all week.’

  Rosie looked at James. ‘Why?’

  ‘Part of James’s diet is a high fibre cereal each morning. But instead of eating it himself he’s been feeding it to Charlie after I leave for work. He thinks I didn’t know.’ Amy explained.

  ‘And today was payback day.’ Alan smirked.

  ‘How old is Charlie?’ Katherine asked.

  James shrugged. ‘We’re not sure. I bought him off the internet and they were a little vague about his age.’

  Katherine stared open mouthed at James before gathering herself to speak. ‘You bought him off the internet..?’ She repeated.

  James nodded. ‘Yeah. There’s quite a few sites that sell them. It was fairly straightforward. I found one I liked the look of, ordered him and he was delivered a few days later.’

  ‘We don’t think he’s any older than two,’ Amy said.

  ‘Who’s looking after him tonight?’ Katherine asked.

  ‘No one, he’s home alone,’ James replied.

  ‘Sorry James, but aren’t there laws about leaving two year olds alone in the house?’ Katherine asked.