My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  ‘I’m sorry? You stole a…what?’

  ‘A penguin sir. From the zoo. We dressed him up in a school uniform.’

  ‘I…’

  Harry was prevented from saying anything further by the sight of Stretton rushing on to the stage.

  ‘That’s OK, Billy, it’s all sorted now. You have nothing to worry about. There you go,’ Stretton half guided, half pushed Billy from the stage.

  ‘I don’t get it, is that a joke?’ Harry said.

  ‘It’s a long story, Harry,’ Stretton said. ‘Maybe I can tell you and Katherine over a cup of coffee in my office?’

  Chapter 15

  ‘You’re popular this morning.’

  Crozier glared at his secretary. He hated mornings and Alison knew this only too well. She had been his secretary for long enough to allow him to get in, look at his emails and work his way through the extra-large coffee he brought in every day. Then and only then would she attempt to engage him in conversation, work related or otherwise.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘The mayor’s office want you to report on the candidates for twinning,’ Alison said, her eyes scanning the screen in front of her. ‘I’ve sent you an email, it’s all in there.’

  Crozier rolled his eyes. ‘What, is that today?’

  ‘They did say as soon as possible. There’s a meeting about it at two.’

  Crozier muttered something under his breath and stormed off to his office. Alison sighed, scooped up a sheaf of papers from her desk and headed after him, slipping in through the door before it closed shut. Crozier scowled at her as she sat down and she gave him a warm smile in reply. She knew from experience that the linen summer dress she was wearing would attract his attention.

  ‘Can you give me a chance to at least drink this?’ Crozier tapped the large coffee on his desk. ‘You know I need to be fully awake to deal with all this twinning nonsense.’

  ‘Oh come on David, just get on with it. Make a recommendation to the Mayor’s office and you can leave it with them.’ She tapped her watch. ‘No more early morning calls chasing you up.’

  Crozier lifted the lid on his coffee and took a mouthful. ‘Go on then,’ he held out his hand and Alison passed him the papers. He ran his eyes over the first page. ‘Very nice, these are all towns in the South of France.’

  Alison smiled.

  He turned the page. ‘Very nice too for the Mayor’s all expenses paid jolly a couple of times a year. That would explain why there aren’t any other options.’

  Alison handed him several more sheets of paper stapled together.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘It’s a list of the developing countries and towns seeking a twin,’ she explained.

  Crozier skipped to the last of the pages, his smile widening as he read. ‘Should we have seen this? I’m sure it wasn’t part of the original pitch.’

  ‘Well…’ Alison smiled. ‘It wasn’t, but the Mayor’s office sent over a further copy of the proposal document this morning. In case you’d lost the original, and this was, it appears, mistakenly attached.’

  ‘What’s that?’ He pointed at the last entry on the last page.

  Alison frowned. ‘It looks like, Aanishu Aanishu.’

  ‘Bless you,’ he grinned, receiving a blank stare in response. ‘OK, what is it?’

  Alison leafed through her papers. ‘It says here that Aanishu Aanishu is fast becoming the world’s leading producer of sea shell jewellery. A feat made more impressive when you consider that it’s a land locked settlement.’

  ‘Where is it?’

  Another scan of the pages. ‘Doesn’t say.’

  ‘OK,’ Crozier typed the name into his PC and, as the results began to show he turned the screen so that Alison could also see.

  ‘Aanishu Aanishu is fast becoming the world’s leading producer of sea shell jewellery,’ she read.

  ‘We know that. What else does it say?’

  ‘It has an undetermined population on account of the fact that it was only discovered ten years ago.’ She read on. ‘It’s approximately three hundred square miles and….’

  ‘Where is it?’ Crozier interrupted.

  ‘I’m getting to that,’ Alison barked back at him. ‘South America.’ She reached across the desk and clicked the mouse, the page on the screen was replaced with a map. ‘It’s there,’ she said, touching the middle of the screen. ‘South of Brazil by the looks of it…’

  Crozier smiled. ‘Smack bang in the middle of South America.’

  Alison touched the mouse and another page of text opened up. ‘It’s mainly rain forest…’ she winced. ‘The humidity averages out at eighty percent throughout the year. That’s really unpleasant.’

  Crozier grinned. ‘Look at this bit.’ He tapped the screen with his pen. ‘Until five years ago they were cannibals.’

  Alison pulled a face. ‘Not really a holiday destination for the vegetarians then.’

  ‘No,’ Crozier laughed. ‘But an ideal place for us to twin with.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘Can you complete the report thing, tell the Mayor that the council should invite the country of ‘Aanishu Aanishu to twin with us.’

  Alison frowned. ‘Are you sure? How are you going to pitch it?’

  ‘I’m not going to. You can knock together the report and send it up to the Mayor’s office. Tell them it’s a fantastic opportunity to work with a developing nation and one of the leading exporters of sea shell jewellery.’

  Alison stared at him.

  ‘No need to mention the climate, but you could say its warm the whole year round.’ He laughed. ‘And best not mention the cannibalism. It might be considered a bit of a turn off in certain circles.’

  ‘What if the Mayor’s office find out?’

  Crozier shook his head. ‘Not going to happen is it? I doubt there’s an entry on trip advisor that says; I would have given this holiday 5 stars but my husband was eaten on the last day so I’m only giving it 4 stars.’

  Alison sat back in her chair and crossed her legs. ‘So, what happens at ten past two when the Mayor decides that he’s so interested in your proposal that he wants to call you up to discuss it. Or he thinks you’re being ridiculous and wants you up there for a dressing down?’

  ‘Can’t you just tell him I’m in a meeting?’

  Alison shook her head. ‘But you’re not are you? You’ve nothing in the diary for this afternoon.’

  Crozier started tapping at the screen on his mobile phone. ‘Not yet I haven’t.’ He lifted his phone to his ear and waited.

  ‘Who are you calling?’ Alison asked.

  Crozier held his hand out and gestured for her to wait.

  ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Is that Miss Gayle?’ He paused for a moment. ‘It’s David Crozier here, from the council. I’m fine thanks. I don’t know if you have anything on this afternoon but I was thinking of paying the theatre a surprise visit. See how things are going. Oh, you can. That’s great.’ He smiled triumphantly at Alison. ‘Shall we say about two? OK, see you then.’

  He touched the screen and put the phone on the desk. ‘If the Mayor’s office calls tell him I’m out on site visit all afternoon.’

  *

  Sarah had been surprised to hear from Crozier. From their previous meetings she had formed the impression that he had no real interest in the theatre project and was merely going through the motions. She was happy to be proved wrong and had wondered if he shared her suspicions that something wasn’t quite right. Whilst she would never warm to the man, she knew she needed all the help she could get.

  As she approached the theatre she could see Crozier leaning against the wall studying the contents of his phone. He looked up at her, smiled and slipped the phone into his pocket.

  ‘Sorry I’ve kept you waiting,’ Sarah felt the need to apologise even though she was five minutes early herself.

  Crozier nodded an acknowledgement. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door, but there’s no answer. There doesn’t appear to be anyone here.�
�

  Sarah sighed. ‘This happened last time I was here.’

  Crozier pushed on the door and it swung open. ‘Shall we go in and have a look around then?’

  Sarah gestured at the open doorway. ‘After you, Mr Crozier.’

  *

  ‘There’s still an absence of tools,’ Sarah pointed out as she followed Crozier through the polythene wrapped corridors.

  ‘Mr Hander..?’ Sarah called out.

  Crozier came to a stop in front of her and she narrowly avoided walking into the back of him. ‘Do you know what I think?’ He said turning round. ‘I think they’re moonlighting somewhere else. They turn up here in the morning and Hander ships them off somewhere else. He’s probably got a couple of other projects going on elsewhere.’

  ‘Really?’ Sarah was unconvinced. She knew some contractors were less than honest, but she didn’t feel Hander fell into that category. Even if she was wrong and Hander was messing them about, it didn’t explain the gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  ‘Oh yes, without a doubt,’ Crozier continued. ‘You’d be surprised how much of this kind of thing goes on. Let’s go to the foyer. That’s where the site office is.’

  Sarah followed Crozier to the end of the corridor where they turned left and stepped down three steps and into the foyer. They both stopped and stared at the scene before them.

  The model of the theatre that had stood on a table and taken pride of place on their last visit was now on the floor in several pieces. The table itself was on its side and the plans that had been displayed had been torn down leaving only their corners still pinned to the walls.

  ‘What the hell happened here?’ Sarah said stepping into the middle of the foyer.

  ‘Hander!’ Crozier called out

  Sarah walked to the large double doors of the foyer and gave them a tug. ‘They’re locked. No one got out that way.’

  ‘There’s a bloody great sheet of plywood the other side. Even if the doors were unlocked they weren’t getting out that way,’ Crozier pointed out. ‘Have you looked in the box office?’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘I’ll have a look.’ She stepped over fragments of the model theatre and tried the door of the box office. ‘It’s locked.’

  Crozier stepped alongside her and peered through the glass of the door.

  ‘It’s dark in there. I can’t really make anything out.’

  Sarah pushed her face against the glass trying to see anything inside the gloomy office. ‘I can’t see anything. What should we do?’ Sarah asked as they both stepped back from the door.

  ‘We should leave and deny any knowledge of ever having been here,’ Crozier said. ‘Otherwise we’ll have to fill in forms and waste even more time and eff…’

  The sound of a key turning in a lock and the door slowly creaking open interrupted Crozier’s retreat plan.

  Sarah and Crozier stared at the door as it opened. Hander peered out nervously, before opening the door wider.

  ‘What the hell’s been going on here?’ Crozier barked at him.

  ‘What are you doing locked in there?’ Sarah asked. ‘Is everything OK?’

  Hander chewed his lip. ‘Youths.’

  ‘Sorry?’ Sarah said.

  ‘There was a gang of youths, teenagers…’

  Crozier rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, we know what youths are. What about them?’

  ‘They rampaged through the theatre, smashing everything. We had to hide in here.’

  ‘Is Fingers in there too?’ Sarah asked.

  Hander nodded. ‘It’s OK Fingers, you can come out now. It’s only Sarah and Mr Crozier.’

  They all watched as Fingers emerged from behind a desk.

  ‘Have they gone?’ He asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Hander told him. ‘The youths have gone.’

  ‘Youths?’

  ‘Yes, the youths.’

  Fingers looked gormlessly back at his employer. ‘The youths...’ he repeated slowly.

  ‘Yes, the youths who rampaged through the theatre causing all this damage,’ Hander explained patiently. He turned to Sarah and Crozier. ‘I think he’s in shock. It’s clearly affected his memory.’

  ‘Do you want me to call the police?’ Sarah asked, taking her phone from her pocket. ‘The sooner it’s reported the more chance they have of catching them.’

  Hander put his hand on Sarah’s arm. ‘No, it’s OK, I’ll give them a call in a minute. We’ll just have a cup of tea and clear up a bit.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘To be honest I don’t think the police will be much use. We didn’t really get a good look at them.’

  Crozier frowned. ‘But you saw that they were youths?’

  ‘Oh, err, yes…I saw they were youths very briefly, just before we hid in the office.’

  Crozier frowned again. ‘How many…’

  ‘Why don’t we leave Mr Hander and Fingers to get this place in order and speak to the police,’ Sarah said interrupting him. ‘I imagine that we’re only getting in the way here.’

  Crozier took very little persuading and he and Sarah were soon heading back down the corridor and away from the scene of destruction.

  ‘What do you think?’ Sarah asked as they left the theatre, stepping into the bright sunlight.

  Crozier checked his watch. Ideally he would like to be away from the office for another couple of hours. ‘I think we should go for a coffee and talk about it.’

  *

  Sarah paid for two coffees and took them over to the table where Crozier sat fiddling with his phone.

  ‘Did you get a receipt?’ He asked as she placed a mug in front of him.

  She dug the till receipt out of her pocket and handed it over. ‘Yep, here.’

  ‘Great thanks,’ Crozier snatched the tiny docket and slipped it in to his pocket. ‘I’ll get this back on expenses.’

  Sarah frowned in annoyance. Instead of telling him he should have paid for the coffees, she said; ‘So what do you think?’

  Crozier sipped his coffee and winced. ‘I think that our Mr Hander is trying it on. He’s using cheap labour and under paying them. They got wind of it and trashed the place. That explains the lack of workmen, and it’s probably not the first time they’ve walked out either. Although this time they demonstrated their frustrations a little more violently.’

  Sarah smiled. ’Sounds like you’ve worked it all out.’

  He shrugged. ‘Builders, developers, and architects. They’re all at it.’

  ‘Planning officers?’ She teased.

  ‘I wouldn’t know,’ he smirked.

  Sarah scooped the froth from her coffee with a plastic spoon. ‘It makes sense. Your theory. What do you suggest we do?’

  ‘We visit again. Unannounced. If it still looks like nothing’s happened I’ll recommend that the contract is cancelled and we’ll get different builders in.’

  ‘Okay, let’s do it.’

  *

  Hander swept the pieces of the model onto a shovel and tipped them into the bin. ‘Not quite sure what we’re going to do, Fingers. It’s all falling apart.’

  ‘I can bring some Lego in and make another model.’

  Hander laughed. ‘I think we’re a bit beyond your Lego skills.’

  Fingers went back to his efforts to reattach the plans to the wall with strips of tape.

  ‘Tell me again. What exactly happened,’ Hander asked, leaning his broom against the wall.

  ‘Well,’ Fingers frowned deep in concentration. ‘I was in the cellar, clearing a load of rubbish from the far wall. I was stacking it by the stairs so I could bring it up here. I turned round ready to move another pile and the lights went out.’

  Fingers fell silent, waiting to be interrupted. Hander had never let him talk for this long before. He looked at his employer who nodded for him to continue. ‘Thing is, for a second before the lights went out I’m positive I saw a man standing just in front of me.’ He reached out indicating arm’s length. ‘Ugly brute, too. Just stand
ing there staring at me. Then the lights went out and I ran as fast as I could up the stairs, and into the office, where you were.’

  Hander nodded, recalling the moment. As soon as Fingers entered the office, the lights in the foyer had gone out, the office door slammed shut and all he and Fingers could hear was the sound of tables being turned over, plans being torn from the walls and general destruction. He looked over at the staircase leading down to the cellar and very slowly an idea began to form in his mind.

  Chapter 16

  Alan, James and Frankie stood and watched as Gary the barman swept the broken glass into a dustpan.

  Frankie thrust his hands into his pockets and sighed. ‘Do you know I think the sound of broken glass being cleared up is more embarrassing than breaking the window in the first place?’

  Alan pulled a face. ‘Sorry?’ He whispered.

  ‘Once you’ve broken the glass it’s happened. It’s in the past. Everyone turns round and stares. Someone will give you an ironic cheer and they go back to what they were doing before you interrupted them.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Well, with every sweep of Gary’s broom, the glass makes that tinkling sound. Everyone can hear it and naturally they all think of the big man there,’ he nodded to James, ‘trying to open a window and smashing it to pieces. Silly sod.’

  Alan nodded. ‘That’s a fair point.’

  James stepped back from supervising clearing-up duties. ‘What?’

  ‘Frankie was just saying that your shame will live forever.’

  ‘What?’ James looked from Alan to the space beside him, which he mistakenly assumed was where Frankie was standing.

  ‘OK, James.’ Gary the barman stepped between James and his friends. ‘If you need any more windows opened, do you mind awfully if you get one of the staff to do it, there’s a good lad.’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ James pleaded his case. ‘It was painted over and jammed shut, and it just fell apart when I tried to open it.’

  Ignoring him Gary turned to Alan. ‘You two can go and sit there now,’ he gestured at the table beneath the broken window. ‘You wanted it open, you can sit there.’