My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  The door opened and James slipped in carrying the first aid kit.

  ‘There’s an ambulance on the way.’

  ‘What was that about an ambulance?’ Sarah asked from the other end of the line.

  Alan put his finger to his lips calling for James to stay quiet. ‘Err …No…’ he said there’s some kind of turbulence on the way. That’s probably what’s causing the loss of signal.’

  ‘So everything’s OK?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Absolutely,’ Alan reassured her, just as Hander keeled over and crashed into unconsciousness on the floor.

  ‘Bugger,’ James cried out, rushing over to Hander.

  ‘What was that?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Nothing. Well, James dropped a cup,’ Alan lied. ‘Look I’ve got to go now, speak later.’

  He ended the call, slipping the phone back into his pocket. ‘Is he OK?’

  James looked up from the floor, where he appeared to be rolling Hander into a ball. ‘He’s passed out. I’m trying to put him into the recovery position.’

  ‘Do you need a hand?’

  James got on his knees, rolling Hander over again. ‘Can you grab his feet and help me?’

  Alan took hold of Hander’s feet. ‘Now what?’

  The door opened and Alfie poked his head into the office. ‘Dudes…What are you doing with him?’

  ‘Trying to get him into the recovery position,’ James explained.

  Alfie nodded. ‘Oh, OK…Anyway, Julius has some new information. He’s going to brief us in the auditorium after the ad break.’

  ‘What about him?’ James nodded at Hander.

  ‘Just prop him up against the wall. The ambulance guys can collect him from here. We’ll put a post-it note on him.

  ‘Fair enough,’ Alan said. ‘Let’s go.

  *

  ‘…and he still maintains that he was doing the housework naked and accidently sat on a garden gnome.’

  Amy and Jayne collapsed into a fit of giggles as Rosie finished her story of another day in the x-ray department.

  Harry reached for the remaining piece of pizza. ‘Do you think we should go and watch the show now? It’s been on for a quarter of an hour.’

  ‘There’s no rush. Nothing ever happens in the first thirty minutes of these shows, it’s normally all chat,’ Rosie said and reached for glass of wine.

  Chapter 45

  Alan and James hurried through the theatre to the auditorium, joining Joy in the front row seats. She turned and smiled at them. ‘How’s Mr Hander?’

  ‘James left him in his office waiting for an ambulance.’

  Joy nodded. ‘That’s very sensible. This…’ she nodded at the stage, ‘is going to be interesting. Julius thinks he’s found something.’

  A call for silence from the stage prompted Marjorie to step in front of the camera.

  ‘Welcome back to Scared Stiff, I hope you’ve recovered after that eventful séance…’

  While Marjorie continued her dialogue to the camera, Alan looked along the row of seats to where Frankie leaned against the fire exit, waving back at him.

  Back on stage, Marjorie sat back in her chair and introduced Julius. ‘So, Julius tell us what you found.’

  Well as you know this theatre is unusual compared to other theatres in that it has no record of paranormal activity…’

  ‘Until recently,’ Marjorie interrupted.

  Julius nodded. ‘Exactly, until recently. So, we looked back at the theatre’s history and concluded the only possible cause of the haunting was a comedian who died in the theatre in the early eighties…’

  ‘Frankie Fortune,’ Marjorie said.

  ‘Yes, Frankie Fortune. Well as you saw, whoever contacted us denied all knowledge of Frankie Fortune but did leave us with a name…’

  Marjorie looked down at her notes. ‘Vincent?’

  Julius nodded. ‘Yes. Vincent. Known as Vinnie. As you can imagine, records relating to music hall acts can be scarce, but I did find a reference to an entertainer called Vinnie or Vincent Martinelli who played at the theatre in the early 1920s.’

  ‘And you think Vincent Martinelli could be our ghost?’

  ‘Possibly, yes.’

  ‘And what other information do you have about Vincent Martinelli?’ Marjorie asked.

  Julius shook his head. ‘Nothing.’

  Marjorie did a double take. ‘Sorry, I thought you had information to share with us.’

  ‘I did,’ Julius said. ‘I’m pretty sure that our ghost is Vincent Martinelli.’

  Marjorie flicked through her notes. ‘You’ve nothing else for us?’

  Julius shook his head. ‘I’m afraid not.’

  Off stage Chester mumbled, ‘Well that was a waste of time.’

  Marjorie cast her eye over her notes, looking for something to fill the hole in her schedule before introducing another commercial break.

  ‘Well that was an anti-climax,’ Joy said.

  Alan frowned. ‘I know that name.’

  James and Joy looked at him. ‘Vinnie?’ Joy asked.

  ‘Martinelli,’ Alan confirmed.

  ‘Where from?’ She asked.

  He turned to James. ‘You know that book they gave me when I left my job? A History of Music Hall and Variety. I’m sure I saw the name in there.’

  ‘That’s a terrible book, complete nonsense. I would take anything they say with a pinch of salt,’ Frankie grumbled as he sat down behind them.

  ‘Can you remember what it said?’ Joy asked.

  Alan shook his head. ‘I haven’t got that far yet.’

  ‘He means he only looks at the pictures,’ James said, causing Frankie to snort a laugh.

  ‘Is it possible you could go home and bring the book back?’ Joy asked.

  Alan smiled. ‘I’ve got a better idea than that…’

  *

  Jayne stepped out through the back door and re-joined her friends in the garden.

  ‘It’s an ad break,’ she said. ‘Something about stair lifts and walk in baths.’

  ‘We’ll have to try again in a minute,’ Amy replied. ‘Otherwise we’re going to miss the whole show.’

  ‘I don’t understand walk in baths,’ Harry mused. ‘Why doesn’t the water come out when you open the little door?’

  Jayne giggled as she sat back down.

  A barely audible muffled ringtone forced its way into the conversation.

  Amy and Jayne fished their phones out of their bags and checked. ‘It’s not us,’ Amy said.

  ‘It’s me,’ Rosie pulled her phone out of her pocket.

  ‘It’s Alan,’ she told the others. ‘Alan. Hi. How’s it going?’

  ‘It’s OK, can you do me a favour?’

  ‘Amy and Jayne say “Hi.” What do you want?’

  ‘Can you get that...?’

  ‘Harry says “hi” too. Sorry, what were you saying?’

  ‘Right, you know that book I got when I left work?’

  ‘The big dusty one?’

  ‘Yes, I think it’s called A History of Music Hall and Variety.’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘Can you go and get it?’

  Rosie frowned. ‘Why do you want it?’

  ‘Aren’t you watching the show?’

  ‘Oh, err…yes, of course we are,’ Rosie paused. ‘Where is this book?’

  ‘Look under the sofa.’

  Rosie placed her phone on the table and headed into the house. A minute later she returned with the book under arm.

  ‘OK, I’ve got it. What do you want?’

  Alan directed her to the index and to find the Martinelli reference and the relevant chapter.

  ‘OK – can you read it?’

  ‘Out loud?’

  Rosie heard him sigh. ‘No to yourself, we’ll try and guess what you’re saying.’

  ‘OK, no need to be rude.’

  ‘Sorry, I’m going to put you on speaker phone.’

  *

  Back in the theatre, Alan rolled his ey
es and put the phone on the edge of the stage. ‘OK,’ Rosie said. ‘It says that the Martinelli brothers; Vincent, Carlo and Leonardo were entertainers who played music halls and theatres across post war Europe. Are you getting this?’

  ‘Loud and clear,’ Alan confirmed.

  ‘Hi Rosie,’ Joy called out.

  ‘Oh, hi Joy. How are you?’

  Alan shook his head. ‘Can we get on with it please?’

  The phone emitted a loud sigh and Rosie continued. ‘Vincent was the oldest of the brothers and the driving force of the act. Stories suggest that he ruled with a fist of iron and had a red hot temper which made him a force to be reckoned with…’

  ‘Is there a connection to the theatre?’ Alan interrupted.

  ‘I’m coming to that,’ she snapped.

  ‘Tetchy,’ James whispered to Joy.

  ‘It says that the brothers last known performance was in 1923 at the Merton Empire Theatre in England. There is no record of them playing anywhere else after that.

  ‘What. Nothing?’ Alan asked.

  ‘Not officially.’ Rosie paused for a moment. ‘But it does say there was some suggestion that two of the brothers…Carlo and Leonardo were said to be performing in Italy in the mid-1920s.’

  ‘So, we have no idea what happened to the brothers between these dates?’ Joy said. ‘Rosie, is there anything else about them?’

  ‘It just says they were accomplished singers, dancers and comedians. And that Vinnie was a juggler.’

  ‘So, we have a mystery,’ Chester jumped down from the stage. ‘What happened to the brothers after they played here, and how did Vinnie’s ghost end up in the cellar downstairs?’

  ‘It’s not really a mystery, is it?’ Rosie said, grabbing everyone’s attention.

  ‘Sorry Rosie. What do you mean?’ Joy asked.

  ‘It’s actually pretty obvious if you think about it.’

  ‘Go on,’ Joy urged her.

  ‘So, ghosts haunt the place where they died?’ Rosie said.

  ‘Generally, yes,’ Chester confirmed.

  ‘It’s obvious that after they played their last night here, Vinnie died. Probably after a fight. Possibly, with his brothers, who then hid his body somewhere in the theatre, then went into hiding before finally reappearing back in Italy a few years later.’

  ‘That makes sense,’ Chester said and Joy nodded.

  ‘How did you work that out?’ Alan asked.

  The phone sighed again. ‘Vinnie was forceful and was known to have a bad temper. He was never seen after that night. Now his ghost - if you want to believe that kind of nonsense - is downstairs.’ She paused to take a breath. ‘If he had died of natural causes, there would be a record of it, and the brothers wouldn’t have had to disappear for a few years.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ Chester said.

  ‘I taught her everything she knows,’ Alan boasted.

  ‘Do you need me anymore?’ Rosie asked. ‘Or can I leave you to get on with playing Ghostbusters?’

  Rosie ended the call and put her phone on the table.

  ‘What was that all about?’ Amy asked.

  ‘They’re playing Ghostbusters.’

  *

  On the stage Marjorie and Chester were discussing the latest development. ‘We need to go back down and have another séance,’ Marjorie said. ‘Are you happy with that?’

  Chester nodded. ‘Absolutely. I’d like to try to make contact with the spirit. Find out what his story is.’

  Marjorie turned to the camera. ‘So, it’s back to the cellar for another séance after this commercial break…’

  *

  ‘Are you two ready to go back to the cellar?’ Joy asked Alan and James.

  ‘Are you sure it’s wise? After what happened to Hander?’ Alan asked.

  ‘I think it’ll be different this time,’ Chester told them. ‘We now know who he is. It ought to be easier to contact him. I genuinely think it’ll be safer now.’

  ‘I’m going to sit in for Mr Hander,’ Joy said. ‘Come on boys, this is cutting edge paranormal investigation. Don’t you want to be in on it?’

  ‘Not the cutting edge bit I don’t,’ Alan quipped causing James to laugh. ‘OK, then,’ he sighed. ‘We’ll do it.’

  ‘Great,’ Joy beamed at them. ‘Let’s go and get set up.’

  ‘Son, I’m not happy about this,’ Frankie said after Joy and Chester had left for the cellar.

  ‘Well hopefully Chester is right and this one will be a lot less stressful.’

  *

  While Alfie and Brett set their equipment back up, Alan and James helped put everything else back in place. The table was balanced back on bricks, the alphabet cards gathered up and placed round the edge, and the lights were repositioned and illuminated the entire cellar.

  Chester sat on one of the chairs and closed his eyes.

  ‘Is he alright?’ James asked.

  ‘He’s just getting in the zone,’ Alfie said. ‘He does that just before a séance. Like a boxer.’

  James struggled to see the similarity but nodded anyway. He moved over to Alan who was in conversation with Joy.

  ‘What do you think?’ Alan said to James.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘If we accept Rosie’s theory, then it’s possible Vinnie is buried down here,’ Joy explained.

  James nodded. ‘It makes sense ‘

  Chester stood up. ‘Everything alright?’

  ‘Do you really think it’s possible that Vinnie is buried down here?’ Alan asked.

  Chester looked around the cellar. ‘Yes. Yes I do. It would certainly make sense.’ He looked at the marking on the ground. ‘You don’t think he’s buried under there do you?’

  ‘We could always have a look,’ Alfie said.

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ Alan said. ‘You can’t go round digging up bodies. Isn’t there a law or something?’

  Joy pursed her lips. ‘We won’t move the body…’ She stopped and corrected herself. ‘The remains I mean. We’ll call the authorities and they can deal with it.’

  ‘That might explain his anger,’ Chester suggested. ‘He hasn’t been properly laid to rest. Maybe by excavating his remains and receiving a proper burial he can finally pass onto the other side.’

  Alfie turned to Joy. ‘What do you think boss? Shall we do it?’

  Joy looked down at the mark on the floor, running her hand over the crack. ‘You’re sure this will stop the haunting?’

  Chester nodded. ‘We’re paranormal investigators. We have to see if he’s under there.’

  ‘OK,’ Joy said. ‘Let’s do it. I’ll go back to the stage and get Marjorie to give it a bit of a build-up.’

  ‘Look what I’ve got,’ James said, brandishing a sledge hammer. ‘I found it over there in the corner.’ He pointed the sledge hammer at a gloomy corner of the cellar.

  Chester grinned. ‘It looks like we’re ready to go.’

  *

  Chester stood in the middle of the cellar with his eyes closed. ‘Vinnie,’ he called out. ‘We understand your pain and we’re here to help you finally get rest.’

  Alan rolled his eyes and sighed.

  ‘Are you there?’ Chester called out.

  ‘I am,’ Frankie appeared suddenly alongside Alan.

  ‘Jesus!’ Alan cried out, causing everyone to look in his direction. ‘Sorry…it’s the dust.’

  Chester shook his head and continued. ‘Are you there, Vinnie?’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Frankie asked.

  ‘Chester is going to dig Vinnie up.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘They think Vinnie is buried down there,’ Alan pointed at the ground under Chester. ‘So they’re going to dig him up.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really,’ Alan confirmed.

  Frankie frowned. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’

  ‘That’s what I told them.’

  ‘James,’ Chester called out. ‘Do you have the sledge hammer?�
�

  James passed the sledge hammer to Chester, who raised it over his shoulder and slammed it down onto the ground with a thud.

  Alan felt the thud from where he stood.

  Chester brought the sledge hammer down again and followed it up with another blow. A breeze blew through the cellar and the lights flickered.

  ‘Here we go again,’ Frankie said.

  Chester hit the ground again, the floor rumbled beneath their feet.

  James looked down at the mark on the ground which was now criss-crossed with cracks. The hammer hit it again, splintering the floor into several pieces. Chester dropped the hammer, crouching down. He brushed the surface with his hands, moving lumps of concrete and gravel away.

  James moved to stand next to Alan. ‘It’s getting colder,’ he shivered.

  ‘If there’s nothing down here, can we go home?’ Alan moaned. ‘If we’re quick we’ll make last orders at the Hoof.’

  Chester pulled a large lump of concrete away and threw it into the corner of the cellar. ‘I think…’ He scooped more dust and gravel away, peering closer. ‘Can someone move the lights closer?’ He asked.

  James dragged one of the lights over, tilting it slightly towards the ground.

  ‘I can see a skull,’ Chester announced. He looked up at the camera. ‘Ladies and gentlemen. I think we’ve found the last resting place of Vincent Martinelli.’

  Alan shivered. ‘Chester,’ he called out. ‘I think Vincent Martinelli has actually found us.’

  Chester looked up from his excavations. ‘What do you mean?’

  Alan nodded at the wall behind Chester. ‘He’s standing behind you.’

  Chapter 46

  Sarah swore silently as she jabbed the escape key on her laptop. A little wheel spun round the middle of the screen in open defiance. She was missing the show and to top it off it seemed like her laptop was mocking her.

  ‘This is ridiculous,’ she thought. ‘All I’ve seen is inane chatter and adverts.’

  Sarah sighed heavily, turning the laptop off, waited a few seconds then turned it back on again. She winced as she turned over, scooping up her phone off the bedside table.

  *

  ‘Is that him?’ James whispered.

  ‘Did you order a pizza?’ Alan hissed back.

  ‘No, why?’

  ‘Then it’s a good bet it’s actually him.’