My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  Frankie picked it up, stepping forward into the gloomy corner of the cellar.

  ‘You can come out now.’

  Vinnie stepped forward.

  ‘You took your time. I’ve been waiting ages,’ Frankie waited for a reaction. When none came, he gestured at the table. ‘Take a seat, we’ve got lots to talk about.’

  *

  Alan slumped in the chair in the site office, his feet up on the desk. The door down to the cellar had shut of its own accord several minutes earlier and remained jammed, despite Alan’s solitary attempt to reopen it. Reaching for his phone he dialled James’s number.

  *

  ‘Can you hear anything?’ Nigel asked.

  James drained his tea cup. ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like a phone ringing.’

  James patted his pockets, looking for his phone. He fetched it from his pocket and tapped the screen.

  ‘Mate, what’s happening?’ he asked.

  ‘I think he’s down there with Frankie. The door’s just shut. How’s it going with the exorcist?’

  ‘All good. Let me know when you’ve finished tidying up,’ James said and hung up.

  ‘What are you ta…?’ Alan stopped, realising that he was talking to a dead line.

  Alan leaned back in the chair and stared up at the ceiling. Deciding that he was of no use waiting for Frankie, he headed back to the auditorium to see what was happening.

  *

  ‘Have they finished tidying up yet?’ Nigel shouted at James.

  James put his hands out to quieten the exorcist. ‘No, they haven’t, and there’s no need to shout, it’s late.’

  Nigel banged on the table with the palm of his hand. ‘That’s loud,’ he banged the table again for emphasis. ‘I was just whispering,’ he said, dropping his voice to a whisper.

  James nodded. ‘Let’s keep it like that then.’

  Nigel looked around. ‘Tea!’ He shouted. ‘I want another cup of tea.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ James checked. ‘Haven’t you had enough?’

  Nigel looked at James. ‘I’ll get my own then. Do you want one?’

  James watched Nigel stand up and take two very wobbly steps. ‘Let me get them,’ he said, putting his hand on Nigel’s arm, steering him back to his seat.

  ‘Another two teas please,’ James asked, leaning against the counter.

  ‘Is that the special tea’s?’ She said with a wink.

  ‘Just normal tea thanks,’ James looked over his shoulder at Nigel who had started singing. ‘I think he’s had enough special tea.’

  *

  Frankie and Vinnie looked at each other across the table like poker players looking for signs of bluffing.

  ‘That’s a nasty knock to the head you’ve got there,’ Frankie said, pointing at the gaping wound on Vinnie’s head.

  Vinnie gently prodded it with his fingers and winced.

  Frankie shook his head. ‘You might want to put some ointment on that.’

  ‘You’re dead, aren’t you?’ Vinnie asked. ‘I could tell you were different to the others when I saw you here earlier.’

  ‘Different? How?’

  Vinnie flicked his hand dismissively. ‘Just different.’

  ‘I died here too, like you.’ Frankie looked around the cellar. ‘Our final performances.’

  ‘Then this is the encore.’

  Frankie smiled. ‘I’d have hoped for something better.’

  One of the lights fizzed and went out.

  ‘I need to find my brothers,’ Vinnie said.

  ‘Do you want to tell me about it?’ Frankie asked.

  *

  Alan sat on the sofa on the stage and watched Joy having a one way conversation on her phone, punctuated with nods and shaking of her head. A fairly pointless gesture he thought, for a telephone call.

  At the back of the auditorium, Alfie was filming Chester talking earnestly into the camera. Julius had been seconded as the sound engineer in Brett’s absence and was holding the mic over Chester.

  Joy dropped onto the sofa next to Alan. ‘Right, I’ve spoken to the TV Company. They’re going to continue broadcasting an old show and anything we can record from tonight will go out as a non-live show at a later date.’

  Alan nodded, unsure if he was supposed to say anything in response.

  ‘They’re going on about health and safety and how our risk assessment wasn’t thorough enough,’ she sighed. ‘I’m going to have fill in loads of forms about this.’

  ‘In triplicate, I would imagine,’ Alan said.

  ‘At least.’

  ‘That’s the trouble with evil spirits. They just don’t appreciate the level of bureaucracy required to chase them out of town.’

  Joy laughed and looked at her watch. ‘That exorcist should be here by now. I think I’ll go outside and wait for him.’

  ‘I’ll go,’ Alan offered. ‘You’re needed here more than I am.’

  ‘Thanks Alan. I’ll just give him a call to let him know you’re outside waiting for him.’

  He hurried out as Joy started tapping her phone.

  *

  Nigel stood on the table and bellowed at the theatre. ‘COME ON YOU BASTARDS!’

  James put head in his hands and groaned.

  ‘COME ON YOU DEAD TOSSERS!’

  ‘Can you ask your friend to get down from there and shut up?’ The woman called out from the catering lorry.

  ‘I really have tried…’

  ‘WANKERS.’

  ‘But he’s not listening.’

  She frowned. ‘Has he got that Tourette’s?’

  James shook his head. ‘No, he can’t take his drink. It was your bloody tea that did it.’

  ‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘He can’t stay up there. Get him down now.’

  James took a step closer and heard a phone ringing. More specifically he heard a tune which sounded uncannily like the Monster Mash. The sound was coming from Nigel’s Hogwarts satchel, so he slipped his hand in brought out a trembling phone.

  James looked at the screen. It said, Caller Unknown.

  ‘Don’t answer that.’

  James looked round to find Alan standing behind him.

  ‘It’s Joy. She wants to know where he is.’

  ‘Best that she doesn’t know,’ James mumbled and pushed the phone back into the satchel, where it rang twice more and then stopped.

  ‘Two things,’ Alan said. ‘Firstly, where’s the exorcist, and secondly, who’s that?’ He nodded at Nigel standing on the table, appearing to head butt an imaginary person.

  ‘That’s Nigel, the exorcist.’

  Alan nodded. ‘Oh, OK…And why is he on the table having a fit?’

  ‘I’ll have you and all your dead friends you BASTARDS!’ Nigel shouted at the theatre.

  ‘He’s drunk and trying to take on the world,’ James paused. ‘More specifically he’s trying to take on the afterlife.’

  ‘Did you do this, or was he drunk when he got here?’

  ‘Neither. He got himself drunk. The tea had whisky in it.’

  Alan considered asking another question but realised the answer was unlikely to help him understand things any more than he already did.

  ‘He can’t stay up there. Joy’s going to come out looking for him any minute now and if she sees him like this, she’ll get someone else.’

  ‘A locum exorcist?’

  ‘Yeah, a locum.’

  ‘What do you propose we do then?’

  Alan looked around, his eyes coming to rest on one of the vans. ‘I don’t suppose that van is actually open?’

  *

  James jumped out of the back of the van and Alan slammed the door shut. He pressed the button on the key fob, locking the doors.

  ‘OK, Nigel,’ James said softly through the back doors. ‘The spirits will be along soon. If you stay very quiet they’ll come past this van and you can jump out on them and do your stuff.’

  ‘OK James,’ Nigel whispered back. ‘Very quiet.’ Nigel exagg
erated putting a finger to his lips.

  Alan and James backed away from the van. James put the key on the counter of the catering truck. ‘Thanks for this,’ he said. ‘He’ll sleep it off and we can let him out in a couple of hours.’

  The catering lady smiled back at him and pocketed the key.

  ‘What are we going to do now?’ James asked.

  ‘Let’s give Frankie another thirty minutes and then go and find him.’

  James nodded. ‘Fancy a cup of tea?’

  *

  ‘It was always me and my brothers,’ Vinnie explained. ‘We toured all over. We were very popular.’

  ‘You were in charge?’ Frankie asked.

  Vinnie nodded. ‘I was the oldest.’

  ‘Were they happy with that?’

  Vinnie shrugged. ‘It’s how it was.’

  ‘So, what happened?’

  ‘We had been playing across England. Lots of shows through summer. There had been lots of arguments. Carlo wanted to leave. After a show here, in the summer, Carlo said this was to be his last show and he was leaving.’

  ‘Did he say why?’

  ‘He had met a girl. An English girl, and he wanted to stay here and get married. Obviously I reminded him of his loyalties and responsibilities…’

  Frankie chuckled. ‘I bet you did.’

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘I don’t imagine that young Carlo was happy about being told to give up the love of his life and carry on playing your stooge.’

  Vinnie nodded. ‘He was obsessed. I could see she wasn’t really in love with him, but he didn’t want to listen to me and we fought.’

  ‘Who did that?’ Frankie pointed at Vinnie’s head.

  ‘Leo. While I was trying to fight Carlo off Leo hit me from behind. I remember falling and hitting the ground. Then nothing.’

  ‘And now you’re back and you want revenge?’

  ‘I want to speak to them.’

  Frankie looked at Vinnie, unconvinced by what he’d heard. ‘So, you’re going on the rampage through here until you find them?’

  Vinnie shrugged. ‘What else is there? Find my brothers and restore my honour.’

  ‘You’ve been dead a long time, there’s no revenge, no honour.’

  Vinnie brought his fist down the table with a crash causing it to wobble. ‘No.’

  ‘Look. In a few minutes an exorcist is going to turn up here…’

  ‘An exorcist is coming here? Why?’

  ‘To get rid of you.’

  ‘Why? What have I done?’

  ‘You’ve hospitalised half a dozen people since you returned from the dead. You’re dangerous.’

  Vinnie huffed.

  ‘Exorcism isn’t nice. It’ll forcibly drive you out, kicking and screaming. There’s most likely going be projectile vomiting and I’m told by Alan that sometimes your head spins round.’

  ‘Right round?

  ‘That’s what he says.’

  Vinnie moved his damaged head from side to side. ‘Nasty.’

  ‘I know,’ Frankie nodded. ‘So, your choice is get out of here now, or wait for the exorcist to turn up with his holy water and Latin chanting.’

  Vinnie frowned. ‘Where would I go?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe you’ll find yourself drawn to someone. I was. Just enjoy being alive again.’

  ‘Maybe I could find my brothers.’

  ‘I told you, they’re dead,’ Frankie paused doing the maths in his head. ‘Probably dead and if not they’re too old to care.’

  ‘Maybe they’ve got children? Even grandchildren. Perhaps I could pay them a visit? Surprise them at a birthday party.’

  ‘That’s a good idea; homicidal ghost uncle Vinnie jumps out of the birthday cake before butchering the guests with a cake slice.’

  ‘No, no,’ Vinnie shook his head. ‘Nothing like that.’

  ‘Really?’ Frankie said unconvinced. ‘But at least it gives you a purpose,’ he stood ready to leave.

  ‘What’s your purpose?’ Why are you here?’

  Frankie paused by the door and turned around. ‘I don’t know to be honest. Maybe I don’t have one. Maybe I’m too stubborn to finally die.’

  Vinnie fixed Frankie with a stare and after a moment he asked. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Certainly not one I’m aware of,’ he pointed at Vinnie’s head. ‘You might want to get yourself a hat to cover up the… bit missing.’

  Not waiting for a response Frankie turned and headed up the stairs.

  *

  ‘Alan,’ Joy called out as he and James returned to the auditorium. ‘Is he here yet?

  Alan shook his head. ‘No sign of him.’ He turned to James. ‘Is there?’

  James shook his head. ‘Nothing. Have you used this exorcist before?’

  ‘Not this one, no.’

  ‘You’d better leave him a really bad online review,’ James suggested.

  ‘What are you going to do now?’ Alan asked before catching sight of Frankie entering the auditorium.

  ‘I’ll speak to Chester, see what he thinks.’

  Alan and James watched Joy jump off the stage and head in Chester’s direction, oblivious to passing Frankie, who cautiously made his way up the steps onto the stage.

  ‘Frankie’s here,’ Alan whispered to James.

  ‘Alright son?’ He asked stepping between Alan and James.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Not a lot actually. We had a nice chat and I left him down there. I explained what might happen if he stays and waits for the exorcist. I think that was enough to send him on his way.’

  ‘What’s he going to do?’

  ‘Well, he did mention something about looking up his brothers or their children and grandchildren. I think he is looking to take out his revenge on them.’

  ‘Sins of the father?’ Alan said.

  ‘If he decides to go, he never said for sure,’ Frankie paused for a moment. ‘Rosie was right you know.’

  Alan arched his brow. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘About Vinnie and his brothers, one of them killed him when he was arguing with the other.’

  Very perceptive girl that Rosie,’ Alan added.

  ‘Did he see Vinnie off the premises?’ James asked.

  ‘He doesn’t know,’ Alan told him. ‘He left him down in the cellar with the fight or flight option to think about.’

  Frankie stepped forward to the edge of the stage and wrinkled his nose.

  ‘Be careful,’ Alan said. ‘You’d better not get too close to the edge, a man of your age.’

  Frankie turned back to face them. ‘This place feels different. Less oppressive.’

  ‘You think he’s gone?’

  ‘Well, it definitely feels different.’

  ‘Joy and Chester are coming over,’ James said.

  ‘Boys,’ Joy said. ‘Chester is going to try to contact Vinnie again. He says that…’

  ‘I’ve lost all the sensation I previously had about this place. Like he’s no longer here,’ Chester interrupted.

  ‘So, no need for an exorcist then?’ James asked.

  ‘I’ll check the cellar before making that call,’ Chester told them. He nodded at Alfie. ‘Let’s go down to the cellar.’

  ‘Where’s the exorcist?’ Frankie asked as Chester, Alfie and Joy headed back to the cellar.

  ‘James got him pissed and locked him in the back of a van,’ Alan told him.

  Frankie nodded. ‘Good work big man.’

  Alan put his hand on James’s shoulder. ‘Frankie’s impressed with the way you dealt with the exorcist.’

  James smiled. ‘Thanks, Frankie.’

  *

  Alan sat on the edge of the stage with James and Frankie sitting either side of him.

  ‘If,’ Alan said. ‘And it’s only an if...’

  James frowned at him. ‘What?’

  ‘If Vinnie decided not to leave and he’s down there now on full psycho ghost mode, we are really going to need Nigel the exorcis
t to do his thing.’

  ‘Yeah,’ James said, and he and Frankie both nodded.

  ‘Well, at the moment he’s drunk senseless and locked in the back of a van.’

  ‘Ah,’ James said.

  ‘Yes, ah.’

  ‘Perhaps we should just go home now?’ Frankie suggested.

  Alan turned to James. ‘Frankie thinks we should go home, and I am minded to agree with him.’ He dropped onto the floor. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Too late,’ Frankie said. ‘She’s back.’

  Joy entered the auditorium through one of the side doors and headed towards them.

  ‘Hi Joy,’ Alan said casually. ‘How’s it going down there?’ He asked.

  ‘Chester says he can’t sense a presence down in the cellar - or anywhere else,’ she beamed. ‘He’s in the corridor now, looking for any kind of manifestation.’

  ‘Vinnie’s gone?’

  ‘It would appear so.’

  ‘So, you don’t need the exorcist?’ James asked.

  Joy shook her head. ‘Not now, and if he does finally turn up he’s not getting paid.’

  ‘So, what are you doing now?’ Alan asked in an effort to draw the conversation away from exorcists.

  ‘We’re going to finish here, do some recording so we can put together a special episode. Maybe they’ll let us put it out at Halloween.’

  They all looked towards the doors where Chester was talking into Alfie’s camera.

  ‘If you don’t need us anymore, we’ll make a move,’ Alan said. ‘We don’t want to get under your feet.’

  Joy gave Alan and James a hug. ‘I’m going to visit Sarah tomorrow and let her know what happened,’ she told them.

  ‘Let’s get out of here before she changes her mind,’ Frankie said and led them out of the theatre.

  *

  Alan, James and Frankie leaned against the hoarding, watching as the catering truck closed its shutters.

  Alan sighed. ‘I suppose we’ll never know if Chester was a fake or not.’

  ‘Fake,’ Frankie grumbled. ‘Complete fraudster.’

  ‘I’m still not sure,’ James said, unaware he was disagreeing with Frankie. ‘He did sense that Vinnie had gone.’

  Alan shook his head. ‘I could sense things were different, that’s not enough.’

  ‘Anyway,’ James said. ‘We should get Nigel out of the van before he sobers up.’

  Alan laughed. ‘I’ll get the keys.’

  James turned the key and twisted the handle. The doors at the back of the van opened silently revealing Nigel snoring softly, curled up on the floor with his head on his Hogwarts satchel.