My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  ‘Come on Nigel, time to get up,’ James gently prodded him.

  Alan banged on the side of the van three times.

  ‘Easy mate,’ James said. ‘You’ll wake the dead if you’re not careful.’

  Nigel slowly opened his eyes, blinked a couple of times and pushed himself up on his elbows. ‘My head is killing me,’ he groaned. ‘What happened?’

  ‘You over did the special tea, don’t you remember?’

  Nigel ran his hand through his hair. ‘I think I’m supposed to be exorcising something,’ he muttered and swung his legs out of the van.

  ‘No need,’ Alan said. ‘It was a false alarm.’

  Nigel looked at James. ‘Was it?’

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid it was,’ James said. ‘It turns out it was a hoax.’

  ‘A hoax?’

  ‘Yeah, some students messing around.’

  Nigel sighed. ‘They warned me this could happen.’ He climbed unsteadily to his feet. ‘I’d better get off home. Thanks guys.’

  They watched him sway and stagger a few steps.

  ‘Do you think we should help him?’ James asked.

  Frankie laughed. ‘Well, you blew his chance of performing an exorcism, got him drunk and locked him in a van. You could say you owe him one.’

  ‘We probably should,’ Alan agreed. ‘What’s the time?’

  James checked his watch. ‘One thirty.’

  ‘Do you think there’ll be a lock in at the Hoof?’

  James smiled. ‘Mate, there’s always a lock in at the Hoof.’

  They looked at each other and laughed.

  ‘Nigel,’ James said as they caught up to the exorcist. ‘We thought as you’d had a wasted night we’d take you somewhere special to make up for it.’

  ‘Really fellas? That’s really good of you, anywhere nice?’

  Taking an arm each Alan and James steered Nigel onto the pavement and across the road and in the direction of the Cloven Hoof.

  Frankie laughed and started to cross the road, pausing for a moment, he looked over his shoulder and saw Vinnie standing some distance away. For a moment their eyes met. Frankie waved and set off after his friends.

  Chapter 49 – One Week Later.

  Rosie clattered up the hall in her heels as the doorbell chimed for the second time. She opened the door, slightly flustered.

  ‘Oh,’ she muttered at the man standing on her doorstep.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he apologised. ‘Were you expecting somebody else?’

  ‘Yes, sorry, I was actually,’ she said, took a deep breath and tried not to be put off by the handsome stranger who had knocked on her door. ‘Sorry,’ she said again. ‘Let me start over.’

  ‘Please do,’ he smiled.

  ‘I thought it was my sister. We’re supposed to be going out with friends for a meal. She’s picking me up.’

  ‘Sorry, I’m not your sister.’

  ‘No, no, I can see that…’

  ‘Anyway,’ he continued. ‘Does Alan Rose live here?’

  Rosie momentarily considered denying all knowledge of her boyfriend. ‘Yes, he does,’ she eventually conceded. ‘Why?’

  ‘I live down the road at number fifty-two. I’ve been receiving his post for the last six months.’ He handed her a small bundle of envelopes bound together with an elastic band. ‘I’ve been telling the Post Office for six months that they have the wrong address but they won’t do anything about it. I finally got fed up and decided to play detective.’

  Rosie smiled at him. ‘Detective?’

  ‘Well I live at fifty-two and you live at twenty-five…’

  ‘Alan moved in here six months ago, he must have forwarded his post to the wrong house number,’ she said. ‘What an idiot.’

  The man laughed. ‘Easy mistake to make.’

  ‘For an idiot,’ she mumbled.

  ‘OK, thank you. I’ll tell him to let the Post Office know.’ Rosie smiled once more and started to shut the door.

  ‘Excuse me,’ the man called out.

  Rosie pulled the door back. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Don’t you want all the post?’ He asked.

  She waved the bundle of envelopes. ‘Isn’t this it?’

  ‘That’s just today’s. The rest is here...’ He stepped to one side to reveal four full bulging mail sacks behind him. ‘I work away a lot so it just kind of built up.’

  Rosie looked in horror at the mail. ‘I am so sorry…He really is an idiot.’

  The man laughed again. ‘To be honest it’s mainly junk mail, he should just throw it away.’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I think after all the trouble you’ve been put to, the least he can do is look through every single letter.’

  Their laughter was cut short by a VW Polo pulling up outside and sounding its horn.

  ‘That’s my sister, Jayne,’ Rosie explained. ‘I’ve got to go now.’

  The man helped Rosie put the mail sacks in the hall and then turned to leave.

  ‘I’m Tony,’ he said.

  Rosie grinned. ‘Rosie.’

  ‘Who was that?’ Jayne asked as her sister closed the car door.

  ‘Just a neighbour,’ Rosie said. ‘Come on, put your foot down, we don’t want to be late.’

  *

  Sarah put her head in her hands and groaned. ‘How did you go to the wrong place?’

  Harry looked at Alan.

  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ he protested. ‘You gave me the wrong directions. That’s why we didn’t tell you before - we didn’t want you feeling guilty. It might have delayed your recovery.’

  Sarah frowned. ‘No, I know I gave you the right directions. You must have written it down wrong.’

  ‘Anyway,’ Alan said, changing the subject. ‘How long will you be all bandaged up for?’

  ‘I have to go back to the hospital in a couple of weeks. Hopefully they’ll take the cast off then.’

  Alan nodded. ‘You can’t rush these things,’ he said and went back to his curry.

  Alongside him Rosie asked Sarah something about a nurse she knew that had looked after Sarah. Alan didn’t bother listening to the answer, instead he turned to James and whispered. ‘Thank God she didn’t bring Giles.’

  It had been Harry’s idea. A meal to mark Sarah’s discharge from hospital. Everyone had been happy to go; Alan and Rosie, James and Amy, Jayne, Harry and of course Sarah.

  ‘Couldn’t Giles make it?’ Harry asked.

  Sarah shook her head. ‘No, he’s working tonight. He’s really disappointed not to be here though.’

  ‘I bet he is,’ Alan whispered to James who was more concerned with Amy reducing the size of the portion on his plate.

  ‘Not that much,’ James whined. ‘Leave me something.’

  Amy ignored him and continued to shovel food off his plate and onto hers. ‘You’re not going to get a beach body with portions that size,’ she teased.

  ‘I don’t want a beach body.’

  ‘To be fair Amy,’ Alan said. ‘He’s almost got a beach body.’

  James knocked his glass of beer against Alan’s. ‘Cheers mate.’

  Alan grinned. ‘Sorry, I meant he’s almost got a beached whale’s body.’

  Everyone except James laughed. James glared at his friend and decided to ignore Alan’s earlier suggestion not to mention Katherine so as not to wind Rosie up.

  James put his glass down, cleared his throat and in a voice loud enough to travel round the table said; ‘It’s a shame Katherine couldn’t make it.’

  Alan felt Rosie stiffen alongside him and made a mental note to kill his friend later.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Harry said. ‘Unfortunately she’s tied up tonight reading to blind children. She would have loved to be here though.’

  ‘Harry,’ Rosie said in such a tone that caused Alan to flinch.

  ‘Yes Rosie?’

  ‘I’m sorry Harry, but I’ve been bottling this up for a while now and I feel that I have to say something.’

  ‘What is it Rosi
e?’

  ‘We are your friends and we are all very concerned that Katherine is exploiting you. We’re concerned that she is only after you for your money.’

  ‘I see,’ Harry said quietly.

  Alan looked at Harry and said. ‘I don’t.’

  Harry looked round the table, took in all the concerned faces and burst into laughter.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘He’s cracked,’ Alan said and looked at James. ‘And it’s your fault.’

  ‘Thank you for being so concerned, and I really can see where you’re coming from. But you’re completely wrong. In fact, you’ve got it the wrong way around.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Katherine is the only daughter of a Lord…She’s a Lady. She’s from a very wealthy family,’ he said, noting Rosie’s open mouthed shocked expression and the fork full of chicken madras that dropped slowly into her lap.

  THE END