by Emilia Finn
It’s not like we’ve completely outgrown that part of our relationship – we were told to quit arguing just yesterday. But now we have something else. Our friendship is something so much deeper, and comes with foundations deeply entrenched in respect and love.
Ben refuses to cross any of the Biggie-enforced lines, but I’m working on rectifying that.
I’m certain Ben has been given the talk by every male member of my life. You know the talk, where there is no touching, ever, or else he dies. Ben has never said so, but I know my family. I know the guys I grew up with.
I’m the oldest of all of my cousins. I was the first to throw the Roller world into chaos and force my uncles to look at women a little differently, which means I come equipped with an army of men who have no clue how not to be possessive and controlling.
But they lucked out, because instead of a steady stream of douchebag boyfriends looking to walk through my door, we get Ben. And Ben might legitimately be the most protective of them all. He’s controlling, but it’s a way for him to make sure those he loves are safe. He’s possessive, but only because people have been stolen from him before, and when they’re not in his sight, they get hurt.
By controlling everything and everyone around him, we remain safe.
It’s totally screwed up and crazy, but it works.
Except for the bit where he won’t make a move.
Sliding out of the truck and dropping to my feet, I glance down to his scuffed work boots and grin. “We’re hiking, and you’re wearing jeans and boots? Do you like chafing and blisters?”
He grins back and slams the door so hard that the truck sways. “I get neither. I’m not soft like you.”
“I’m not soft!” I slam a fist against his arm, but it glances off when he pivots and pulls me under his arm.
Ben is six and a half feet tall already. He’s twice my width, and stands a whole foot taller than me. He’s kind of perfect, as he makes me look up to speak to him.
He towers over me in protection, and he’s strong enough to bench press me. He’s the best best-friend a girl allergic to douchebags could have, and he somehow comes equipped with the ability to handle my crazy.
Lord knows I come fully equipped with the crazy, but somehow, and without complaints, he manages it.
Without saying so, we head toward the trail we’ve walked a billion times in the past. Through the thick forest, over fallen logs, and around the trees with trunks so thick you know they’ve been here for hundreds of years. They outdate me and Ben. They outdate our parents, and their parents before them. They help me put things into perspective, because really, a failed math test or a silly fight between friends doesn’t matter to those trees.
They help me remember that time will pass no matter how shitty my mood is, and that no matter the drama that is going on at school or the gym, it literally won’t matter tomorrow.
These trees have helped keep me sane through my adolescence.
But today, it’s not working.
Because tomorrow, I’m going away. This separation will exist, and for the first time ever, I don’t want time to continue on without me here.
“Hey.” Ben’s brows furrow with concern. “What’s got you sad?”
He knows me so well. He knows me better than Bean, or Biggie, or Mom, or any of my other uncles or cousins.
He wraps a strong arm around my shoulders, and pulls me so tight that my cheek smooshes against his chest. “Talk to me.”
“I’m going tomorrow.” I hate that my eyes itch with three simple words. “I don’t know how to handle this kind of change. It’s hurting my soul.”
“You’re gonna be good, though, right?” He releases me, but only to take my hand and help me over a fallen log. “You’re not going to become a statistic, are you? It’s so cliché.” He rolls his eyes. “Girl gets freedom, wears a pretty dress for the first time ever and straightens her hair, and bam! Everyone notices her and tries to get her to party. You don’t have to go to those parties, ya know?”
He’s trying to make me smile, but I can’t find it in my aching heart to muster the energy. “I don’t want to go away at all.” I draw my bottom lip between my teeth to stop the quiver. “I hate that I’m going. I wanna stay here with y–” I stop. Clear my throat. “Um… with my family.”
He nods and draws me back in close. My hair tickles my face and tugs because it’s stuck between us, but I don’t move away. Instead, I wrap my arms around his hips and trip every second step as we walk and my feet kick his.
“I don’t want you to go either,” he murmurs. “I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna do without you here.”
“It’s weird, right?” I look up and study the underside of his square jaw. He started shaving about a year and a half ago, so what used to be baby-bottom-smooth is now marked with freshly shaved hair follicles. I can see the black hairs begging to grow through. When he hugs me extra tight, I feel the sandpaper caress on my neck. It should annoy me, but those moments when he hugs me that tight, those are my favorite hugs. “We hate each other,” I continue. “Like, I literally don’t recall the point where I stopped hating you and instead decided to like you.”
He chuckles and leads us around a gentle bend. The whole track is down, a descent that leads to the most magical place on Earth – not Disneyland. “I don’t remember either. We were in a two-man war for the longest time. It was always Evie versus Ben. Good versus evil.” He grins. “I was the good, by the way.”
I scoff.
“But eventually,” he sighs, “we started hanging out because we liked it. I don’t know how it happened, but I can’t say I like it. You’re a shitty friend.”
I laugh and pull away when we have to jump from one boulder that is embedded in the forest floor to another.
“You’ll be okay, right?” He holds my hand and helps me back onto the moist forest floor. “You’ll be good? You’ll come home for the holidays and stuff?”
“I’ll come home as often as I’m allowed. I promise. There’s no way in hell you could keep me away from Christmas around here. It’s the best holiday.”
“Pancakes with ice-cream for breakfast.”
I nod. “That’s what I’m saying. Best holiday ever.”
“Did you know there are best friend rules?” His eyes meet mine. “There’s this membership code. Like, we can’t go without talking for two consecutive days, or membership lapses.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm. So if you don’t call me for two days in a row, I’ll take offense to that. Serious, manic rage type of offense.”
“I’ll call you every single day.”
He grins. “I think that’s best. Also, if you miss a single holiday, our friendship lapses into trial mode. So you get to miss one, but only with a medical certificate that was signed by the head of surgery and the president. If you can present proof of why you couldn’t make it, then we’ll be okay. But if you miss a holiday, and I’m left expecting you, we’re in big trouble.”
“So I won’t miss any holidays.”
“Swear?”
I nod and blink away the irritation in my eyes. “Swear.”
“And if you’re having trouble with your classes, it’s your obligation to call me. We can learn it together. But if you hire a tutor, especially of the male variety, where he may pose a risk to our friendship, shit will get hairy.” He lifts a hand when I meet his eyes. “These aren’t my rules. I’m just telling you what I read somewhere else.”
“No tutors, and no new male best friends.”
“Hard rule,” he presses.
The forest makes way for stones. Giant boulders lay scattered amongst the trees, almost like this is the site where a meteor hit Earth and shattered. Trees still stretch high above us, but the air turns colder and colder the further down we go, until finally, the sounds of running water help level my nerves.
“Ya know these rules go both ways, right?” I hold Ben’s hand, rather than wrap my body around his, since the rocks are
slippery. “Your membership will be frozen if you break the rules.”
“I don’t have homework. But I promise to learn whatever you have to learn.”
“What about chick best friends?” I meet his eyes. “I’m not gonna be okay with that. I’m the chick that changes whale migration patterns with my bad mood. Don’t test me.”
He flashes the most amazing smile and leads me around one final bend. “Swear on my life, I won’t make any female friends.”
“Not even Livi’s friends. Like, I know she’s your sister, and I know those girls are younger, but they’re not that young. They pant for you, Benjamin. You’re the big, strong, fighter big brother, and you’ve graduated now. You’re the proverbial bad boy every girl wants to annoy her daddy with. Don’t make me break their fucking arms.”
“No panting,” he agrees with a laugh. “You have my word.”
“You’re getting your first pro fight in December. Those aren’t girls, Ben. They’re women. What are you gonna do when the bimbos start rubbing themselves on you?”
He clutches my hand tight and leads me to the edge of the world. In reality, he leads me to the lip of a hot spring we found years ago and have bathed in on an almost weekly basis since. We’ve set up boobytraps and surveillance, because we want to know that we’re the only people who come here. In three years, no one has ever disturbed our space.
It’s ours. Our secret spot where we get to speak our truths and share secrets.
I suggested we come here today for a very special reason; because the water is magical. It contains minerals for healing, and powers for miracles.
“Ben?” I kick my shoes off with practiced moves and set them aside, and while he busily unlaces his boots, I study his large hands. Calloused, rough, working man hands. But his work is mostly in my gym, and not so much on a construction site or in a mine.
He was offered a full ride from my family; he’s one of our current contenders, so in exchange for eight hours a day, five days a week, my family pays him a living wage and earns fifteen percent of his winnings.
So far, he’s cost more than he’s earned, but Aunt Kit negotiated a televised fight for December, which means win, lose, or draw, he’ll make everyone money. It’ll be his first ever pro night, and it’ll kickstart his career.
“If the bimbos slide on me,” he sighs with faux frustration, “I’ll tell them to get off, or face the wrath of a female Kincaid. ‘Female’ and ‘Kincaid’ are enough to scare all the thirsty bitches away.”
There’s a teeny tiny part of my brain that insists I take offense to his statement, but it’s pure truth, so I smile and lean into his side the very second he sits down and rolls his jeans up. “Good answer. I will hitchhike from one side of the country to the other to strangle a bitch. You know I’ll do it. You know I don’t play.”
Chuckling, he nods and takes my hand when he drops his feet in the water beside mine. It’s warm and tingly on my skin… just like his finger as it strokes my palm. “I know you aren’t playing. Everyone that knows you knows you aren’t playing.”
I shrug and lean closer so I can smell the aftershave he wears after he showers at the gym. We’ve known so much about each other for so long, it’s physically painful for me to consider leaving tomorrow.
But if Mom says it’s happening… well, there’s only one person on this planet crazier than me, and it’s my dumb luck that she’s my mother. She rules our home with the iron fist of a woman who’s lived a hard life when it comes to men and work. She had no education, so she had nothing to fall back on when she found herself pregnant by an abusive jerk. She gave birth to me, but she had no escape route. She had nothing beyond her desperation to save me. She got out, and now she’s the mother of three daughters, and her oldest is old enough for college.
Guess who becomes the sacrificial lamb, the first to walk that line in front of her sisters?
Mom has never been unfair with her orders over the years, which means, no matter how much this forced separation makes my heart ache, I can’t say no.
I look to Ben and study his unmarked skin. Everyone in my world has a plethora of ink on their arms and chests. But Ben… nothing. Not a single mark.
“Hey, Sasquatch?”
“Mmm?” His eyes remain on the trees on the opposite side of the springs. The trees butt right up against the water, providing the most amazing backdrop for a girl’s unrequited love story from the ages of fourteen through to now.
“You’re eighteen now.”
His lips curl up into a grin. “That’s true. Thanks for noticing.”
I laugh and lean closer. I’m barely a millimeter from sitting on him, but if he minds, he doesn’t say anything. He never has. “Why haven’t you gotten any tattoos yet? You’ve been talking about it for years, but now that you’re old enough, you haven’t done it.”
He shrugs. “Ink costs money.”
I frown. “You have money. And you still live at home with Oz and your mom, so no bills.”
“I’m saving all my money.” Reaching out with a contemplative expression on his face, he picks a tiny flower and spins it between his fingers. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this about me, but I tend to live my life preparing for shit to go bad.” He chuckles when I make a ‘no way!’ face. “So I save my money and stay prepared for whatever happens.”
“And what’s gonna happen? Everything is calm now, right? Nothing bad has happened in…” I think back to last year and shake my head. “A while.”
“Well… you’re going away.” His large eyes meet mine and send an almost burning heat pulsing into my veins. He looks almost angry. “That’s kinda fucking with me.” My heart swells when he silently passes the little flower and studies my fingers as they wrap around the delicate stem. “I dunno. What if there’s an emergency where you are? Maybe I need to hop a flight and get to you. Can’t pay for last-minute flights with autographs and smiles.”
“Well… you probably could if you perfected that smolder you’ve been working on.”
He grins and does that thing he does. The smolder. His lips pull into a smirk, his brows come close, and his eyes continue to push heat into my chest. “I only smolder for you, Evelyn. It’s my superpower.”
Sure is. I let my eyes drop and focus on my lap. Which, in itself, is strange. I never look away first, and I definitely never back down from this guy. I know too much about him to ever let him intimidate me, but now that time is running out, I experience what it’s like to be shy for the first time since I was two.
“Hey.” Observant, he grabs my jaw and brings my eyes up. “You’re freaking me out. What was that?”
“What was what?” Though of course, I already know. “I didn’t do anything.”
“You look so sad.” His brows pull so tight that they almost touch. “Best friends forever, right? I’m sad you’re going. Like, I’m legit cut the fuck up inside, but we’re gonna be okay. I’m calling your ass every single day. If you try to ditch, I’ll use my saved pennies and track you down.”
“It’s just…” I swallow the lump in my throat and work on catching my breath before I make a dick of myself. “We’re family, right? Like, for real family. And I know we’ll still see each other on the holidays, and I know we’ll still talk all the time, but…” I blow out a heavy exhale. “I’m scared. I’ve spent almost every single day with you for years. Even when we hated each other, you were still there. And now I’m going to be on a stupid campus somewhere far away, learning about things I don’t want to learn about. And you’ll be here, living the dream we’ve worked so hard for. It’s just…” I let my eyes fall back to my lap. “It’s not fair.”
“Do you want me to quit the gym and come to school instead?” He draws my eyes back to meet his, and when he sees the tears in mine, his thumb comes along my cheek and swipes them away. “I can quit and be where you are.”
“But you can’t. You didn’t apply to colleges, for starters. Your savings won’t last long, and your fight career is here. You
coming with me isn’t the answer. The answer is that I don’t leave at all.”
“Evie?” He cups my face with two hands and swipes his thumbs over my cheeks. “You have to go. Your mom is right, right? You can’t do what she did. You can’t do what my mom did. You need to do this before you get to do the rest, even if it’s just a piece of paper you’ll never use. I’ll see you again in December, right? Christmas, plus my fight. Your friendship card will be yanked if you miss my first fight.”
“I love you, Ben.” My breath comes out on a gasp, but he makes no reaction, except a slow, lazy smile, and eyes that almost look… adoring.
“I love you too. Family, remember? I’m gonna be waiting right here, and in just three months, I’ll bring you back down here and we’ll swim.”
“Four years is a long time.”
“Don’t think about the four years yet.” He releases my face, only to pull me in and press my cheek to his chest. “We take it in small steps. Three months, then I get my best friend back. Then Easter. Then Fourth of July and Kit and Bobby’s anniversary. Then… I dunno. Something else. We’ll make a calendar of all the holidays, then we’ll count down.”
“Ben?” I’ve said his name a million times already, but every time his eyes come to mine, I chicken out. But not this time. Not anymore. Pulling my feet from the warm springs and imagining a magical current swirling in my blood, I bolster my bravery and turn so I sit on my knees. He’s still taller than me, but not by much. When I make myself comfortable, I rest my hands on his broad shoulders and pray he doesn’t feel them shake. “Um…” I pull a long breath and unapologetically let it out again so it feathers over his face. “Ya know how you’re my best friend?”
His heart pounds as fast as mine. Is it because he knows where I’m going with this? And if so, is it because he’s happy… or sad?
Instead of a verbal answer, he only nods and lets his eyes flicker between mine.
“And you know how you’re not allowed to make other chick friends? Because of the whale thing.”
He chuckles and gives another gentle nod.
